Countdown

A Ryan/Espo fanfiction

With less than three minutes until the bomb goes off, what has he left to lose? (Set during S3 Ep17 "Countdown")

:-:

The station was eerily quiet, all the employees not called out to locate the black van were crowded together in one room listening to dispatch calls. Ever since Agent Fallon cracked the marines for the location of the bomb, everyone was holding their breath. The countdown had begun.

Some cops were praying, some making phone calls to loved ones, but like the majority, Ryan and Esposito just stood in silence. Over the radio they heard the van was on Broadway, spotted by a helicopter. Beckett and Castle were taking that route, right? Would they make it?

Ryan sent a pale glance across at Esposito who was stood next to him against the back wall. His partner reached his hand out and clasped Ryan's shoulder with an attempt at a reassuring smile.

"We've found the bomb." Beckett's voice came across the radio. Ryan started to sigh in relief, a smile creeping over his lips. But the van wasn't on Broadway. Esposito's hand slipped down Ryan's arm and clasped at the other man's fingers. Bomb squad was three minutes out.

"That's about two minutes too late."

There was a momentary dead silence and then someone started to cry. There was chatter on the radio – could Fallon tell them how to diffuse the bomb in time?

Esposito didn't wait to find out. Precious seconds had passed. He secured his hold on Ryan's fingers and dragged him out of the door and across the threshold of the break room. Thirty seconds gone already.

Before Ryan could question what was happening, Esposito had raised his other hand to Ryan's face and pulled him in until their lips touched – feather light at first, frightened, and then with more force as the seconds fell away.

Ryan clutched Esposito's hand and let himself be kissed. He thought time must have stood still because no one had died, and he still hadn't heard the bomb.

Then there were shouts from the other room that awoke their senses and they stepped apart hurriedly; hands recoiling as if from a burn.

Esposito tried to smile, carefully avoiding eye contact, but settled instead for clapping his friend on the shoulder and hastily vacating the room to join the celebration.

Ryan just stood stock still, his lips still damp, his hand still warm. He had known for a while, maybe always, how Esposito felt about him. But they never talked about it. Esposito had never tried anything. And Ryan had been grateful for that, because now everything had changed and everything was ruined.

:-:

Esposito was kicking himself. What had he been thinking? Well, he'd been thinking they were all going to die and what did he have to lose?

Everything as it turned out. When Ryan had returned to his desk he hadn't even raised his head to Esposito, instead burying it in paperwork. Esposito just collapsed back heavily into the chair behind him, watching the movements of Ryan's back and feeling sick to his stomach. Then Jenny rang and Ryan started to smile and Esposito had to get out of there.

Obviously Ryan was delighted to talk to Jenny. She was his fiancée for goodness sake. He'd be over the moon to have survived to see her again.

He stood at the bathroom mirror and splashed water across his face, it might wake him up. Might wash away the memory.

Lanie. He should call Lanie. He met his eyes in the glass and fought back tears. He washed his face again and then selected her number on his phone. It was a few moments before his hand was steady enough to call.

Her voice was familiar and reassuring and he found himself easily recalling to her the case and the bomb threat and finally Castle's heroics. He never mentioned Ryan. She was extremely understanding about why he couldn't tell her before, no doubt a benefit of working with the police, and she said she'd be over there in a shot if he needed her but she did have plans with friends…?

He laughed it off, she should go out. They'd catch up tomorrow. He hung up and felt hollow, like a cliché. He had always imagined kissing Ryan as this hot and steamy passionate affair, maybe a stake out one night and they couldn't keep their hands off each other. Or a drunken make out on the second hand couch. But not this. Stone cold sober and Esposito practically forcing himself on the other detective.

No wonder Ryan was avoiding him. He must feel disgusted, violated even. He'd probably file sexual harassment charges tomorrow morning.

No. Not Ryan. Ryan wouldn't do that to him.

Maybe Esposito could just act like nothing had happened. Go on as normal and pretend he hadn't ruined the best friendship he had ever had. If they didn't talk about it then the kiss didn't exist. He prayed it would work. He couldn't lose Ryan; friendship was better than nothing at all.

At this point Castle stuck his head round the door to say he was ordering take out and did Espo want to join them? Grateful for the distraction from his own thoughts, Esposito accepted.

:-:

It was several hours later and Esposito thought maybe his plan was working. They were all grouped around the conference table drinking beer, swapping stories, and doing everything they could to jokingly dampen Castle's ego. Esposito could have sworn Ryan actually smiled at him at one point. But then it was time to clear up and go home and somehow he and Ryan wound up sharing the elevator on the way down.

That's when the awkward silence returned. Esposito's heartbeat seemed to be the only sound and it filled the tiny space. With a mouth like cotton wool and legs like jelly, he finally found his voice.

"Bet it'll be nice to see Jenny when you get in?" Casual. No need to read into it. Just one bro asking about another's girl. Ryan seemed to grasp gratefully at the topic.

"She's still out of town. Not a bad thing, I could sleep for a week!"

"Yeah, me too" Esposito agreed as smoothly as he could. He wasn't going to think about Ryan all alone in his bed, his lips wet from Esposito kisses.

Mercifully the doors opened at this point and Esposito practically sprinted out of the elevator, throwing a "see you" over his shoulder as he headed for his car. His footsteps echoed across the underground parking lot, bouncing off the walls and back to Ryan.

Ryan exited slowly. He'd forgotten Esposito had given him a lift that morning and he had no ride to go home. He decided to walk. The steady rhythm of this feet coupled with the familiar route gave his mind opportunity to wander.

If Esposito didn't want to talk about the kiss that was fine by him. It might take a while but things would eventually return to normal, Ryan would make sure of it. He'd bring Esposito a coffee tomorrow morning and show him there were no hard feelings.

And it was only because they thought they were going to die, Ryan knew that too. Esposito would have never kissed him otherwise and never would again. And they would be friends. And all would be right in the world.

But although that bomb had never gone off, something was slowly exploding inside of Ryan. Something he didn't know he had built in the first place. And now it was counting down.

:-:

Things did go back to normal. Almost. They got on with the job in hand.

Esposito was careful never to stand too close to Ryan, never to let a hand on the shoulder linger, never to make eye contact longer than necessary. Once comfortable silences were now filled with mindless chatter – the weather, the news, sports games – or entirely case related. It had been three months and neither had dropped by the other's apartment for a beer or a videogame. Which was a bittersweet relief to Esposito who, while missing the company in the evenings, didn't quite trust himself to be alone with Ryan just yet outside a cop car.

He called things off with Lanie. She'd been hurt but he had surprised himself by coming clean about the whole thing. Everything from the end-of-the-word- kiss to the crush he had had on Ryan for years. And she had cried, and he had cried. And she had forgiven him.

Ryan never asked him why they had broken up. He guessed Ryan knew.

He might not be acting on them, but he couldn't ignore his feelings any longer. Consciously he could barely remember the moment he'd kissed the other man, hardly recall the taste or the feel. It had happened so quickly and he still felt so ashamed. But at night his dreams were haunted by the memory, reliving the moment over and over and taking it further until the fantasies infringed on his waking life; he started to imagine scenarios where he was saving Ryan from bullets or bad guys and Ryan was grateful in the heat of the moment. Lustfully grateful.

Esposito felt he was walking a tightrope of sanity, teetering too close to the edge, ready to fall any second. One wrong move and he'd lose Ryan forever. So with a balancing beam of camaraderie tight in his grip, Esposito did the best to move on with his life.

The case they were working right now was a particularly tricky one; a homicide of a politician connected with the New York Mob Bosses. Four days in and they were getting nowhere, the result of which, the two detectives had been sent out to re-canvass the area. After six hours on their feet, they decided to call it a night.

"I think we've earned a drink" Ryan commented as they left the final building for the day.

"Damn straight" Esposito agreed, but he was surprised. Was Ryan offering to spend time with him outside work?

"There's a good place two blocks from here," Ryan added, "First round's on me."

They started walking, soon falling into the casual beat of a copper from early uniform days. They talked the case, then, as Ryan brought beers over to the free booth in the corner of the bar, switched to sports and recent and upcoming games. They were still safe subjects but this, this is better thought Esposito, falling into their comfortable companionship of previous times.

He watched Ryan as he talked animatedly. He was the kind of guy who always accompanied his stories with more and more hand gestures the more he drank. Esposito sipped his beer, tried to nod and um and ah in all the right places, and sat fascinated by the movement of Ryan's lips.

Then Ryan stopped abruptly and Esposito realised he had been staring.

After a few moments Ryan's voice spoke again, this time soft and quiet and directed into his glass.

"Jenny left me."

Esposito was dumbfounded, "Bro, when? What happened?"

"Two weeks ago." Ryan's swilled his beer and still didn't look up.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Esposito inquired softly, placing a hand on Ryan's forearm as it rested on the table. He tried to ignore how his pulse hastened at the touch. Ryan just shrugged.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Why? You already know what happened."

And suddenly Esposito did know, the realisation falling into the pit of his stomach like concrete. Somehow Jenny had found out about the kiss and thought Ryan had cheated on her. This, this misery written all over Ryan's face, was something he had caused: this was all his fault.

He went to remove his hand from Ryan's arm, almost recoiling in disgust at himself, when Ryan reached over and placed his hand cautiously on top of Esposito's.

"She thinks I'm in love with someone else."

:-:

Ryan had never planned to say any of this out loud. He figured a night out with his best mate would be the right cure for a broken engagement. Plus he had missed this, the friendly banter, the hanging out, the feel of Esposito's reassuring arm around his shoulder.

He had felt Jenny pulling away from him those last couple of weeks and hadn't known why, until they had started a blazing row over dishes of all things and the truth came out. She thought he was sleeping with Esposito.

"You say his name in your sleep!" She had hurled at him alongside various dishware, "You can't even bear to touch me!" And while this was news to Ryan, he realised she had a point. He hadn't kissed her in weeks - every time he thought about kissing he remembered the break room and the feel of Esposito's hands on his skin.

And he had just stood there open mouthed as she accused him and totally forgot to deny it.

Because that bomb inside his belly was near detonation and when she left he could finally hear it ticking.

Esposito had been his partner for years, his best friend, practically soul mates. And that single kiss had flipped a switch in Ryan he didn't even know existed. He had seen a different side to their relationship and now he wanted more.

But he feared he was too late. He had very obviously not reciprocated the feelings Esposito had shared with them that day and as a result he couldn't know if Esposito would ever chance them again.

:-:

The bar was getting noisier and more crowded, but all Esposito could notice was the warm hand on top of his; the feel of Ryan's skin for the first time in months.

But it was hitting home what Ryan had told him – he had broken up with Jenny because he was in love with someone else. Esposito wondered sadly who the lucky lady was as he slowly pulled his hand out from beneath Ryan's fingers. He knew he should stay, be supportive, be inquisitive as the best mate, but he was suffocating. Give him five minutes. Five minutes and he would come back and play the role of Esposito: professional partner and friend. Just give him five minutes.

He reached into his pocket for his cell and feigned a quick glance at the screen.

"I've gotta take this," He lied, apologetically, "I'll be five minutes." He slid from the booth, sidestepped the other patrons and walked furtively out of the door.

Ryan watched him depart, his heart in pieces on the floor at his feet. He was relieved he hadn't gone all out and told Esposito how he felt if this was the way he was reacting. Ryan wasn't fooled for a minute; he knew Esposito had faked the excuse to get away from him. Ryan had obviously been reading all the signs wrong. True, it had been Esposito who had made the first move, but when Ryan thought about it his partner had acted pretty distant ever since. Maybe that crush he'd had on Ryan had dissipated with an actual kiss. That must be it. Esposito had kissed him because he thought it was his last chance to do so and he had been disappointed.

Ryan was going to cry. He knew it. But not here. He'd go home and let it all out and tomorrow he would go back to just being a friend and never asking for anything more. But he couldn't leave without saying goodbye. So he waited.

He kept his fingers busy by turning his glass round and round against his palms and he kept his mind busy by practicing all the Spanish he knew over and over in his head. But eventually that reminded him too much of Esposito and he had to stop.

Speaking of Esposito, shouldn't he have come back by now? Maybe he'd done a runner. But no, his jacket lay in the booth next to Ryan, and even through the sweaty, alcohol scents of the packed bar, Ryan could have sworn he could smell Esposito in the fabric even at this distance.

After ten minutes he couldn't take it any longer and made the decision to call it a night. He gathered Esposito's jacket in his arms and carried it outside with him; he would say goodbye there. Make it short and sweet. I'm just tired, I'll feel better for a good night's sleep.

But Esposito wasn't outside. Ryan couldn't spot him around the corner or across the street. Surely he hadn't gone home without a word? No matter how Esposito may feel about him, he would still be polite.

Ryan decided to try calling his cell. As he held his phone to his ear he wondered what he was going to say, but that was a question he didn't have to worry about for long. As the ringing started he heard, quite close at hand, the chirp of a ringtone. The one Esposito used.

Ryan walked to the edge of the pavement and looked down at the street - fallen haphazardly on the asphalt was Esposito's cell phone.

:-:

Ryan had been back at the station two hours, everyone on the mob case had been called back in and Beckett was painstakingly going over with Ryan everything he and Esposito had done that day, every one he had spoken to; any possible lead.

It was generally assumed by this point that Esposito had been kidnapped, or worse, for his work on the Mob case. Someone they had spoken to when canvassing that day must have been affiliated with the crime. The Captain figured they had taken Esposito to find out what the police knew, or as a warning to other cops to back down. The question wasn't only which Family had committed the original murder, but where they might be keeping Esposito.

If he was still alive.

The thought kept going round and round in Ryan's head. If he hadn't blurted out his stupid feelings he and Esposito might be eating take out right now, watching a game. Instead, Esposito had left the bar alone and someone had taken him.

He read through his notes again and again until they just felt like a jumble of letters spinning round behind his eyes, but then…

One of the witnesses, a security guard at the courthouse, said he had seen the politician leave at eight pm the day he was killed, but in an earlier statement the same guard had claimed to be at home by seven. It wasn't much, but maybe enough for a lead.

Ryan stood in the observation room as Beckett and Castle interviewed the guard. Ryan could tell just by the stance of the suspect that he was scared and not of the police. He bit anxiously into the back of his thumb as he watched Beckett slowly get through. She promised the man police protection, a deal, if he gave up the name of the Family behind the politician's murder, and a location they may keep a hostage.

It took another hour before the security guard caved and told them. His daughter was sick and he needed the money for treatment. The Family had promised him more than enough to cover expenses if he did one job – killed the man running for office. They had provided the gun and opportunity. All he had to do was pull the trigger.

But he didn't know where they might be holding Esposito.

Ryan was beyond tears now, his worry had eaten him from the inside out and he was holding it together through caffeine and sheer determination. This would not be another dead end. They had the name of the Family. They could pull people in for questioning, they could start knocking on doors.

He felt deafened by the ticking of the bomb in his abdomen, feeling it expand to his torso.

:-:

Esposito was sat in the middle of a hard stone floor, his hands and ankles tied, his face and body swollen with bruises. He was cold, thirsty and tired, but not stupid enough to let on to any of these things. Even after a beating, he hadn't told the men anything - let them figure out for themselves what the cops knew. Though he did warn them they were in the shit now and it was just a matter of time before the joint would be crawling with police and they would spend the rest of their life behind bars.

They had left him to experience all his bruises in full, promising to come back and finish the job if Esposito hadn't changed his mind by then. Maybe a couple of broken ribs would help persuade him. They vanished into the small office at the entrance of the warehouse; a large window handy to keep tabs on him.

Trying to ignore the pain in his torso, Esposito wished he had something to lean on and rest his body. He was not going to give in and lie down no matter how much better it might feel. He wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing him in such a vulnerable position.

How long had he been there? He didn't know, hours certainly. He kept thinking about Ryan left sitting alone in the bar. Did he even know Esposito was missing? Or did he just figure his partner had abandoned him and headed home? Ryan probably thought he had hurt Esposito's feelings talking about the girl he was in love with. Probably thought Esposito couldn't handle it. But he would have, he just needed time. He couldn't lose Ryan, not again. If he ever got out of this he would be the model best friend; there for Ryan no matter what.

If he ever got out of this.

He was pulled away from his musings by a commotion behind him. He spun to watch as the two men in the office came rushing through the door, sending a torrent of bullets in their wake. But they weren't quick enough. One man was hit with a fatal projectile to the head and the other caught one in the shoulder, causing him to fall back on the floor beside Esposito. The detective reached his bound hands around the guy's neck and threatened to choke him.

"Drop it." He said through gritted teeth and pain, and the man reluctantly let his gun fall from his fingers onto the floor.

During which time the full force of the NYPD cannoned into the room, Ryan at the head.

"You took your time." Esposito quipped to the other detective as Beckett came over and relieved him of his hostage, snapping on handcuffs and radioing for a paramedic. But before he could say anything else, Ryan was on the floor beside him, gathering his battered body into his arms and looking deep into his eyes.

:-:

The instant Ryan spotted Esposito across the warehouse floor his heart leapt, catching on the bomb Ryan had kept ticking inside for weeks now. As he crossed the space towards Esposito it was like the final countdown had begun –

Five. He holstered his gun.

Four. He sprinted the last few steps left between them.

Three. He fell down on the floor beside his partner.

Two. He grabbed Esposito round the shoulders and pulled him in close.

One. He cupped Esposito's swollen cheek in one hand and leant in.

And with that final touch the bomb inside Ryan exploded as he pulled Esposito towards him until their lips met. He felt Esposito smile into the kiss and Ryan laughed against his mouth.

"Really?" Esposito asked as they broke apart, "Here?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time" Ryan joked.

"So all that talk about falling in love…that was?"

"You. I think I'm in love with you."

"Good." Esposito added as he heard the sirens form the paramedics' arrival. "Just checking."

Ryan blushed with a smile and kissed him again.