WARNING!

This ficlet contains dark humour, violence, torture, and death.

If this is not for you, please move on.

Otherwise, enjoy.

Lazarus' scream was muffled as a pair of pliers were held against another one of his teeth before it was suddenly tugged.

"You know," a voice sighed as the pliers slipped once more, "This would be so much easier if I hadn't cut out your tongue first."

With a huff, Raven stood up and dropped the tool on the small trolley beside her, ignoring the clatter it – along with what teeth she had managed to pull from Lazarus' gob – made as she eyed the bound man before her.

He was already missing a foot and half his fingers, and the assassin was quietly surprised the man could still scream.

"Maybe force is needed?" she mused out loud as she created a small black hole in front of her and withdrew a rubber mallet.

The moment Lazarus' eyes landed on the Raven's newest weapon of choice, they widened in fear.

"Now, will it be the right, or the left?" she muttered as she tilted her head from side to side, wondering which to start with. Though she startled, jumping when a part of her coat-slash-wings started to vibrate.

"What the hell!" she exclaimed before patting herself down and rummaging around in one of her many hidden pockets. "Where in the Nine Realms did you come from?" she questioned as she eyed the mobile device that was still ringing.

The assassin glanced at her current 'guest' before shrugging and answered the mobile. Whoever was calling could deal with the screams she knew were going to come.

"Hello?"

"Raven, it's me, Martha."

"Martha, I'm a little busy," the platinum blonde stated as she shifted her grip on the mallet, rolling her eyes as Lazarus started trying to scream for help – even though he was missing his tongue.

"Lazarus?" The woman on the other end asked, her tone surprised, "Thought you had already sorted him out."

Raven sighed, her eyes drifted to the bloody teeth that were scattered around the trolley beside her. "I got distracted by his teeth," she admitted, "D'you know he flossed three times a day?"

"No, I didn't," Martha replied.

"Neither did I," the blonde stated before asking, "So, what do you need?" as she swung the mallet and struck the right side of Lazarus' jaw, causing the man to let out a half muffled, half gurgled scream... along with four teeth to fall out.

"I need to know who had more number ones. Beetles or Elvis?"

Martha got straight to the point, something that the assassin rather liked about the younger woman. Though her question had Raven frowning as she switched the phone over to her other hand, "What am I, some kind of Google or something?"

"No," Martha snipped sarcastically, "He's currently out of commission. And besides, he didn't know if the results would include the remix."

"Ah, gotcha," the assassin hummed as she swung the mallet again, this time it collided with the left side of Lazarus' face and causing six teeth to fall out.

Raven blinked in surprise.

"Huh... Left is best," she muttered.

"What?"

"Hitting the left side of his jaw dropped six teeth, whereas on the right only dropped four."

"Huh, good to know," the woman replied, though she sounded rather distracted.

"Anyways, it's Elvis," the assassin finally answered as she placed the mallet onto the trolly next to the pliers.

"Awesome. Thanks, Raven," Martha said.

"No worries. Oh, and can you tell the Doctor that he owes me twenty quid," Raven said before hanging up.

Placing the phone back into her pocket, Raven grinned as she turned back to Lazarus.

"Now, I can start on the ears," she told the man as another black hole appeared.

With a satisfied smile, Raven leaned back in her seat as she eyed the glass container that was sitting on a small, wooden table in front of her.

"Perfect," the assassin murmured as she picked the container up and rattled the contents inside around, watching the jar closely as she did so.

She almost dropped in when her coat-slash-wings started to vibrate once more, and Raven cursed as she quickly dug into her pockets in search of her blasted mobile.

Looking between the ringing mobile in one hand and the glass container in the other, the assassin took a deep, fortifying breath.

Answering the call, Raven smiled.

"Sorry, the person you are trying to reach is dead. Please leave a message and try ag-"

"Oh, thank Rassilon. Raven, where are you?" the Doctor's voice cut her off, and Raven blinked as she looked at the view in front of her.

Various limbs that belonged to Lazarus were strewn all over her room, and – Is that blood on the ceiling? The man's head sat on the table before her; eyes, ears, nose, tongue, and teeth all missing.

"Err... on Earth," Raven told the Time Lord as she ran a bloody hand through her white hair; leaving a pinkish-red streak through it.

"Oh, good. That's good," the Doctor muttered before he suddenly asked, "Could you possibly bring me a large pepperoni pizza, an iced latte, two dozen eggs, and a banana?"

Raven quirked an eyebrow.

"Sure. When are you?"

"1969."

"So," Raven begun, drawing at the word as she glanced down at her blood-covered clothes, "Is this like an 'I need to clean up' type of errand?"

"I made a timey wimey device that makes eggs explode when in range," was all the Time Lord said.

Raven spared one last glance to the jar of teeth that was in her hand before she placed it back onto the small table.

"I'll be right there," she said before disappearing into the ground.

1969

"Doc! Got your stuff!" Raven called as she walked into the flat they were staying at. "You better not have lied about that timey wimey device!" she added.

"In here!" the Time Lord called, "But leave the eggs outside."

Raven – who had actually brought the entire town out of its supply of eggs and had left them in a safe location – entered the room with a grin.

"Oh, blessed hell!" Martha exclaimed as she grabbed the pizza and iced latte from the platinum blonde's hands. "Food here sucks!"

The assassin chuckled as she pulled a banana out from her coat-slash-wings. "Guess this is yours, Doc," she said as she tossed the man the banana.

The Doctor caught it easily with one hand, his other holding a small contraption.

"Wanna have some fun?" he asked with a grin.

"I may have started an egg shortage," Raven replied with a grin of her own.

"Wicked!" the Doctor exclaimed as they quickly left the flat, leaving a very happy Martha behind with her pizza and coffee.