If magic was real, then monsters were too. Amanda had read this line in one of Jesse's books and for some reason, it had stayed with her. In a weird and messed-up way, it reminded her of herself. She'd been the one who'd suppressed old memories, fragments of her past, behavior she'd displayed, character traits she'd inherited. She'd made herself believe that becoming a mother had completely changed her, but who was she kidding? Of course, she couldn't change who she was or the way she was hardcoded at birth. The magic of being a mother and the magic of the love she felt for Carisi couldn't chase away the monsters that were buried deep inside of her.

'You've been the grownup for a while now, Amanda Rollins,' Dominick had told her the previous year. Was that even true? She'd most definitely played the part of grownup but inside of her, she felt anything but.

'Hey, Manda?'

She hadn't realized that Dominick had been talking to her from the kitchen table, which was stacked with court documents and files. 'Sorry, what did you say?'

He raised a brow, but whether he thought anything of it or not, he didn't mention a thing. 'I asked you what you want for dinner tonight?'

She pulled a hand through her hair and thought about the question for a second. Dinner was the last thing on her mind right now. 'Why don't we just order a pizza? You know, take it easy, watch a movie with the girls, finish the cupcakes Jesse has been decorating at school…'

'Uh, yeah sure, why not?' A moment of silence stretched between them and she felt his eyes burning a hole in her head. 'You sure you okay, honey, you seem… a little bit off these days?'

'Me? Yeah, no, I'm fine, really. Just still a little bit of vertigo with all the changes lately,' she added and sent him a half-smile which she hoped was convincing enough. It clearly wasn't and his inspecting gaze was something she just couldn't handle right now. Quickly she made her way towards the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Her breathing fastened and pearls of sweat gathered on her forehead. When she looked in the mirror, she noticed how all the blood seemed to have drained from her face. She didn't have a panic attack since she was sixteen, and this was clearly what it was.

The running cold water on her wrists helped her calm down a little but couldn't stop the panicked thoughts that ran through her mind.

She couldn't do it. She simply couldn't keep up playing the role of a good mother. Couldn't keep up playing the role of a loving and reliable partner. Something would happen that would trigger her inner monsters. There was no doubt that she would fall into the same pitfalls and make the same mistakes as she had made countless times before. She would disappoint her co-workers, delude Dominick and fail her girls. Things would go back to the way they were before. This is what the voice in her head was telling her and she believed it.

Looking up into the mirror again, she noticed the monsters staring at her from behind her eyes, ready to strike. It wasn't a question of whether she could, but rather for how long she could keep up this charade. What it would take for her to fall back into her old habits, to make the same old, unforgivable mistakes she wouldn't be able to fix.

She had no idea how long she'd been in the bathroom but at some point, it's Dominick who came to check on her. 'Amanda, you okay in there?'

Taking a deep breath, she whimpered a small 'yeah, I'm fine.' Slightly surprised by the wetness she felt on her cheeks, she used the back of her hand to wipe away the tears and when that didn't suffice, she splashed some water into her face.

Right at that moment, she heard the door open and quickly grabbed one of the towels that was hanging from the radiator to dry her face.

He'd found her eyes via the mirror and they looked at each other for what felt like an eternity.

She knew she wasn't doing a great job at hiding her emotions but she simply couldn't avert her gaze. His eyes had captured her.

It took him two steps to reach her and she was startled a little when he wrapped his arms around her waist, his eyes never leaving hers via the reflection of the mirror.

She'd never felt so vulnerable around anybody and at the same time, she'd never felt any safer than with him. 'Dominick?'

'Hmm?' he whispered in her hair.

'I'm scared.' It came out without much thought, it just did.

He gently turned her around and lifted her chin with his finger. 'I know,' he began, 'but there's no need. I'm not going anywhere.'

She shook her head. 'I know and it's not that. It's…' before fully breaking down, she swallowed back the lump that had formed in her throat. 'I'm convinced that I'm going to mess up again.'

'Mess up, how?'

'Just everything. Work, your trust in me, my life. Everything. I'm just not made for eternal happiness, I always do something that screws it all up again. And I don't want you or the girls to be the victims of that.'

'Oh 'Manda… I… That's not going to happen. You're not going to screw up anything.' He looked at her with worry and his eyes and with a glimpse of confusement.

She appreciated how he tried to comfort her, but she knew better. 'You don't know that. It's the way I am, it always brings me in trouble.'

He placed both of his hands on her cheeks and kissed her on the forehead. 'I do know, because I know you. And all the strength and goodness that is in you. I've seen you grow and transform and become the most beautiful and honorable woman I know. We are not our past. You are not your past. You mean the world to your girls and I know you'd do anything for them. As you'd do for me.'

She wanted to interrupt, but he put a finger on her lips.

'No, please let me finish and listen to me carefully. Because you, Amanda Rollins, move mountains if it comes to the people you love and care about and I couldn't be more proud to call you my partner. I trust you with my life. You are the love of my life and nothing will change that.'

The tears started flowing again and she leaned her head against his chest.

'You're not alone. I'm here. I'll always be here,' he whispered in her ear before pulling her closer to him.

Her legs almost gave in upon hearing his words that were so sincere and heartfelt. The voice in the back of her mind that had been on the forefront for the past days slowly dimmed in and almost disappeared completely. Maybe the magic and monsters could coexist in her life, as long as she had the right people in her little bubble to keep her grounded. As long as there was enough magic in her life to keep the monsters at bay. Maybe. Just maybe that was enough.