(The camera opens up on a shot of a lake. The water is clear blue, there are islands in the distance, and a dock stretches out in front of the camera. Suddenly, a man pops up.)
Chris: Yo, we're coming at you live from Camp Wawanawkwa, somewhere in Muskoka, Ontario. I'm your host, Chris McLean, and I'm dropping season one of the hottest, new reality show on TV.
(The camera cuts to Chris walking along the length of the dock.)
Chris: Here's the deal: a whopping 104 contestants, the world-record holder, I might add, have signed up to spend their entire summer competing in five distinct areas. This is area one: a crummy, old summer camp. (The camera pans out to show Wawanawkwa in its entirety.)
(The camera cuts to Chris walking into the campfire pit.)
Chris: The contestants will be divided into four teams, and forced to compete in challenges against one another. The winners may receive a reward, while the losers will vote one of their own off the show for good. The last camper left standing will receive one million dollars! (A canoe full to the brim with cash is pushed into view.) Who will win the big prize? And who will bite the big one? Find out right here, right now, on Total… Drama… Ultimate!
Theme song.
Chris: (on the dock, looking through binoculars out into the lake) Our first contestants should be showing up at any moment! (cut to a boat making its way to the island) Right on cue. By the way, we told them they'd be staying at fancy hotels and luxurious resorts all summer, so if they seem a little ticked off, that's why.
(A nice-looking yacht pulls up to the dock, depositing five campers onto the show.)
Chris: Straight from a sleepy town in Oregon called Gravity Falls, here are Dipper, Mabel, Grunkle Stan, Soos, and Wendy!
Soos: (runs up to Chris, and shakes his hand furiously) Wow, your Chris McLean! I'm really into Canadian movies, so you're like my own personal hero.
Chris: Thank you, Soos. Nice to meet a fan from the states.
Wendy: (jerks a thumb at the camp) Um, is this where we're staying?
Chris: No, this is where you're staying. My crib is due west, with AC and cable.
Grunkle Stan: Aw, I was going to hit the spa to take care of my horrible back! (turns round, and lifts up his shirt, causing the rest of the campers to exclaim in disgust)
Chris: Put that away, man. There are children watching! Now, you will all move to the other end of the dock, while the rest of the campers arrive.
Mabel: (as the group makes their way to the other end) C'mon, guys, this could be fun! We've never been to summer camp, right, Dipper?
Chris: Our next contestants hail from the states as well, specifically Beach City. Please welcome the Crystal Gems! (No boat pulls up to the dock.) Let's try that again: here are the Crystal… (sighs) where are they?
(Suddenly, a bright pink portal appears in mid-air above the edge of the dock. Everyone stares mesmerized. An equally pink lion jumps out of the portal, carrying two teenagers on its back. Steven and Connie steps off of Lion, and walks up to Chris.)
Connie: Excuse me, sir, we are here for the competition.
Chris: (shakes himself out of his shock) And this is Steven and Connie! (whispers to Steven) Dude, when I said you can bring pets, I didn't think you meant a freaking lion!
Steven: What, Lion? He's perfectly tame.
Chris: (reaches out to touch Lion, only to get snapped at) Yeah, perfectly tame. (looks around) Hey, weren't there more in your group?
(Suddenly, four more figures jump out of the still open portal. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Bismuth lands on the dock, their weapons drawn, in epic poses.)
Garnet: We are the Crystal Gems!
(The foursome drop their poses, and looks to the shocked campers.)
Pearl: Hello, we're here for the… um, competition.
Peridot: Well, that was dramatic.
Greg: Tell me about it.
(Everyone looks back to the portal as Peridot, Lapis Lazuli, and Greg walks out. The portal dissipates soon after.)
Pearl: (to Garnet, as they move to the other end of the dock) I can't believe Steven talked us into this.
Steven: (walks up, and fist pumps Dipper) Hey, how's it going?
Mabel: (whispers to Dipper) Do you have anything in your journal about these guys.
Dipper: Let me check. (takes out the Journal from his suitcase, and flips through it)
Chris: Our next contestants are from the mystical land of Mewni! (long pause where no boat shows up) Dang it! Not again!
(Suddenly, a blade appears in mid-air. It slices a portal open in reality, and out steps Star and Marco.)
Chris: Star, Marco, welcome!
Marco: Um, this isn't a resort like on the brochure.
Star: Oooh, a summer camp like on human TV! This is going to be so much fun, Marco! (pulls him to the other end of the dock)
(Peridot, however, snatches Star's scissors.)
Peridot: What is this device? I've never seen the like before.
Pearl: (grabs the scissors) Well, whatever they are, they shouldn't be in the hands of a regular human.
Star: (snatches her scissors back) Hey, I'm not a human! I'm a Mewman, see? (points to her hearts on her cheeks)
Chris: All right, campers, let's settle down. (a boat identical to the one that carried the Mystery Shack gang appears) Finally, a regular boat.
(Lincoln Loud jumps down from the boat.)
Chris: Everyone this is Lincoln Loud, as well as his nine…
Lori: You literally stole my lip gloss!
Lola: I told you already that I don't have it!
(Fighting erupts on the yacht, resulting in a massive cloud of dust that eventually falls onto the dock.)
Lincoln: Guys, stop fighting for once! We're on national TV!
(The sisters all stop fighting, and look to the cameras. They immediately adopt innocent poses, followed by Lori stepping in front of the group.)
Lori: Hello, I'm Lori Loud. These are my eight sisters, and my dweeby younger brother.
Lincoln: Hey!
Lori: Oh, you know it's true. We're really glad you picked us to be on this reality show at this… er, resort?
Lola: Hey, what gives? I thought we'd be staying at a spa!
Lana: I think it looks awesome!
Luan: (makes a corny joke about the state of the camp, causing her siblings to groan)
Luna: Let's just get this over with, dudes.
(The Loud family walks to the other end of the dock.)
Star: (whispers to Marco) I had no idea families could get that big.
(A short pause follows.)
Lynn: Hey, where's the next campers?
Chris: (looking into the air with his binoculars) Oh, they're coming.
(Out of the sky, Lady Rainicorn descends towards the dock, depositing Finn, Jake, Princess Bubblegum, Marceline, the Ice King, and Lumpy Space Princess onto the dock.)
Jake: Thanks, Lady! (kisses her on the muzzle, before she flies off)
Lisa: All right, am I hallucinating now?
Chris: Everyone, these are our representatives from the Land of Ooo!
LSP: (takes out her phone) Melissa, the competition is taking place at a cruddy, old summer camp. It smells like dog butts here, and all the other people look lame.
Greg: (as the Ice King walks up to him) So, what kind of a name is the 'Ice King'?
Ice King: Well, it means I'm king of ice! Watch this. (He then swirls his hands in the air, causing a short snowstorm. He turns to Greg, only to find the rest of the campers are distracted by Jake showing off his shapeshifting powers.) Oh, c'mon!
Marceline: (floats over Luna) Hey, do you shred, human girl?
Luna: (blushing) Um, yeah. What about you?
Marceline: Of course. We should totally play together sometime.
Luna: Oh, of course.
(The next boat pulls up, depositing seven more weird characters; namely, Mordecai, Rigby, Benson, Pops, Skips, Muscle Man, and High-Five Ghost.)
Mordecai: Oh, yeah! I can't believe we're finally on national TV!
Rigby: Are you ready to win this thing, bro?
Benson: Ha-ha. The day you two slackers win this game, is the day I eat my underwear.
(The trio glares at each other, until Skips steps in between them.)
Skips: All right, you guys, that's enough.
Pops: I concur. This competition should be about meeting new friends, and having a jolly-good show!
Chris: You keep telling yourself that, Pops.
(The next boat pulls up, depositing Phineas, Ferb, Candace, Isabella, Baljeet, Buford, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, and Vanessa.)
Phineas: Wow, Ferb! I can't believe we're on national TV! (to Chris) Thanks so much for having us on the show, sir.
Ferb: (thumbs up)
Candace: And thank you for inviting me along! Now, Mom will see all the contraptions you built on TV, and you'll be finally busted!
Buford: (walks up, carrying Baljeet) Where can I put my nerd?
Doof: (laughs evilly) Prepare yourselves, foolish competitors, to feel the full brunt of my pure evil essence!
Vanessa: Aw, Dad, stop being weird! (walks off)
Doof: Wait, Vanessa, come back!
Chris: Our next competitors are…
Amethyst: (groans) How much more do we have to do?
Lisa: I concur. Plus, I don't think this wooden edifice can hold all 104 competitors.
Chris: (holding back laughter) Oh, I don't know. I think it can hold everyone. (Lisa raises an eyebrow.)
Chris: Our next competitors (the next boat pulls up) are members of the Simpson family from Springfield… what state was it again?
(Homer, Bart, and Lisa S step off the boat. Homer raises his hand to wave, when he steps on a bad plank. The plank swings up, and strikes him in the face.)
Homer: D'oh!
(The next boat pulls up, depositing Fry, Leela, and Bender.)
Chris: And these are our competitors from the far future!
Fry: Wow, it feels great to be back in the past again.
Leela: It's a lot less stupid than they show you in museums.
(Bender walks up to the rest of the campers, followed by Lisa L running up to him.)
Lisa: Wow, a real AI android! I must take a closer inspection of you.
Bender: Hey, bite my shiny, metal ass! (everyone who is not from an adult cartoon gasps) What? What I say?
(The next boat pulls up, depositing Peter, Stewie, and Brian.)
Chris: Welcome, Peter! How does it feel to be on the show?
Peter: Eh. I wanted to go on Survivor, but we couldn't afford it. So, Lois sent us to this Canadian show.
Chris: Well, I think that one would say that Canadian shows are just as good, if not better, than American shows.
Peter: (pauses, than laughs uncontrollably, followed by Chris glaring at him)
Stewie: What? This isn't a five-star spa resort! I was hoping to get a massage from a hot male masseuse.
Chris: (walks up to Brian) I know I said you guys can bring pets, but I didn't know you had a talking dog.
Brian: I'm not a pet. I'm a contestant.
Chris: Oh, of course you are, you good boy! (begins petting Brian, much to his chagrin)
(The next boat pulls up, and out comes Stan, Steve, and Roger, who is in a disguise, from American Dad!)
Roger: What the hell? This isn't the place the brochure said it was.
Chris: Sorry, Roger. This is is: Camp Wawanawkwa.
Roger: (drops his luggage dramatically) You will pay for this!
Chris: Sure.
Roger: (grabs Chris by the shirt) No, I mean: you… will… pay… for this. (Chris looks genuinely afraid as Roger lets go of him)
Steve: C'mon, Dad, this could be fun.
Stan: (looking forlorn) Aw, I could be torturing terrorists instead of this.
(The next boat pulls up, depositing the Belcher family.)
Chris: Here's the Belcher family!
Linda: All right, family bonding time!
Bob: Lin, do we really have to do this? I mean, the store's closed this whole time; we're losing a lot of our profits.
Linda: No, Bob, I've already decided that this will be a good time to spend some quality family time. (Bob sighs)
(Meanwhile, Louise looks every bit as against this as Bob.)
Tina: C'mon, Louise, this could be fun… probably.
Louise: It's bad enough Mom is making us do this all summer, but we're not even staying at an awesome hotel.
Gene: A summer camp could be fun; we can eat disgusting camp food, get bitten by black flies, get chased by grizzly bears…
Louise: Oh, this summer can't be over quicker.
(The next boat pulls up, depositing Hank Hill onto the dock.)
Chris: Hank Hill! Welcome to the island, man.
Hank: Um, thanks. I'm here for the competition. (holds out his hand)
Chris: Oh, no, I don't shake hands. (Hank walks off looking disappointed.)
(The next boat pulls up, and lets off Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Craig, and Tweak.)
Cartman: All right, you pussies. Prepare to lose to my awesome authoritah.
Kyle: Cartman, stop acting like a bleeping moron!
Cartman: Shut up, you bleeping Jew!
(Everyone stares shocked at the South Park kids.)
Hank: Who raised you kids?
Stan: C'mon, guys, you're embarrassing us on live TV.
Butters: Yeah, can't we all just be real friendly in this competition?
Craig: (to Tweak) As if Cartman's going to win this thing; unlike us, right, Tweak?
Tweak: What? You said we were only doing this for fun! Trying to win over all these people is too much pressure!
(Much like Star and Marco, the next contestants come from a portal; this one green and swirly. Rick and Morty step out of the portal.)
Rick: All right, Morty (burps), here's a normal bleeping reality show, just like you wanted.
Morty: Oh, c'mon, Rick. This could be fun; no monsters or vampires chasing us, or any bleep like that.
(They walk over to the other end, where Phineas eyes Rick's portal gun.)
Phineas: Hey, is that a portal gun?
Rick: Yeah, no bleep, sherlock.
(The next boat pulls up, and Samurai Jack gets out.)
Chris: Jack, welcome to the island!
Jack: Thank you, Mr. McLean, for allowing me to be in your competition.
Chris: Your welcome, dude!
Lincoln: Wow, a real live samurai!
(All the kids crowd around Jack.)
Stan S: Hm, they weren't that excited to see a real live CIA agent.
(The next boat pulls up, letting off three boys.)
Chris: Next up, we have Ed, Edd, n' Eddy!
Eddy: All right, where's that fat stack of cash!
Chris: Woah, Eddy, hold your horses. You have to actually win the competition before you get the cash.
(Eddy adopts a grumpy expression, as Double D walks up to Chris.)
Double D: Um, this place doesn't look very sanitary.
Ed: (holds his hand out to Chris) I like buttered toast!
Chris: Um, good for you.
(The next boat pulls up, and out hops five children, each brandishing weapons made of ordinary household items.)
Chris: Woah, woah! Can you, like, not point weapons at your fellow campers?
Numbuh 1: All right, it's clear. (The five kids put down their weapons, as Numbuh 1 walks up to Chris) Greetings, evil adult. We're here for your probably diabolical competition.
Chris: Oh, you must be those kids who think they're spies.
Numbuh 2: But we are spies…
Chris: Oh, of course you are, little buddy. Couple notes, though: when you guys filled out the application forms, you only put numbers one to five where your names should be.
Numbuh 1: That's because those are our codenames.
Numbuh 4: Yeah, and don't expect us to tell you what are real names are, cruddy adult.
Chris: …OK then.
(The spies walk over to the other end of the dock, where Mabel gasps at Numbuh 3.)
Mabel: Oh, I love your Rainbow Monkey suitcase.
Numbuh 3: Thanks! I love your comfy sweater.
(The next boat pulls up, and deposits Zim, Dib, and Gaz.)
Zim: Greetings, puny Earth beings! I, Zim, will win this competition, because he is the ultimate form of life! (laughs evilly)
(Everyone stares at Zim.)
Zim: I mean, I am one of you, Earthlings.
Dib: Can any of you see that this is clearly an alien? (Now, everyone stared at Dib.)
Gaz: (looks around at the camp and the other contestants, then goes back to playing her game console) Whatever.
(As Dib and Gaz make their way to the other end, Zim pulls on a leash. GIR is pulled out of the yacht, to stand next to Zim.)
Zim: Thank you for allowing my, er, pet to come along.
Chris: No problem, dude, and I see our next contestants are on their way.
(At the shoreline, bubbles erupt from the water. Suddenly, a submarine wheels onto the beach, letting out SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward.)
Squidward: I can't believe you numbskulls talked me into doing this.
SpongeBob: Oh, c'mon, best friend. This could be really fun!
Patrick: Yeah, it'll be really… (leans over to SpongeBob) where is here, again.
Chris: Guys, the rest of the contestants are on the dock!
(As the Bikini Bottom players make their way to the dock, the next boat pulls up, letting off a single competitor.)
Chris: Everyone, this is Courage the Cowardly Dog!
Courage: Hey!
Chris: Oh, you know it's true.
Courage: Oh, I know.
(The next boat pulls up, and five teens jump out, striking dramatic poses on the dock.)
Chris: Welcome, Teen…
Robin: Yes, we are the Teen Titans! Please, hold your applause.
(Literal crickets chirp.)
Starfire: Oh, this'll be so much of the fun.
Beast Boy: You said it, Star!
Cyborg: Yeah, we're going to dominate this competition!
Chris: Let's find out, shall we? (motions them over to the other end of the dock)
(Much like the SpongeBob contestants, the next contestants came from underwater. A stream of bubbles moves towards the dock, and a colorful RV rises from the water.)
Uncle Grandpa: (from the driver's seat) Good morning!
(Uncle Grandpa, Mr. Gus, and Pizza Steve get out of the RV, before it sinks back under the water.)
Pizza Steve: Greetings, other competitors. Or should I say, losers. Prepare to lose to the awesomeness that is Pizza Steve! (Mr. Gus groans, and pinches the bridge of his nose.)
Rick: Hello, Uncle Grandpa.
Morty: Rick, do you, like, know each other?
Uncle Grandpa: You could say we have met.
(The next boat pulls up, depositing Griz, Panda, and Ice Bear.)
Chris: Our next contestants are walking, talking bears! That's arguably not the strangest thing I've seen all day.
(The three bears huddle up as soon as they are on the dock.)
Griz: Ok, you guys. This is our big chance to get as much friends as we possibly can.
Panda: Oh, and also to find my dream girl.
Ice Bear: Ice Bear will spend money on ninja equipment.
(The next contestants arrive through another unorthodox manner. A bubble floats down from the sky, containing Wander and Sylvia. It pops as soon as it hits the dock.)
Wander: Wow, this new planet looks so welcoming!
Sylvia: (looks at the crummy state of the camp) Yeah, welcoming. You took the words right out of my mouth, Wander.
(Finally, the last boat pulls up to the dock, letting Milo Murphy onto the dock.)
Chris: And our final contestant is Milo!
(As Milo is walking forward, suddenly a shark jumps up from the water, and takes a huge bit out of the dock where Milo was once standing. Everyone gasps.)
Milo: Wow, considering my luck, that was practically tame.
Isabella: You mean, you knew that was going to happen?
Milo: Yeah, I've got kind of this bad luck.
(Everyone takes an involuntary step away from Milo.)
Chris: OK, now that we're all here, let's get a photo for the promos.
(All the campers begins to smile and pose, as Chris gets up on the boat with a camera.)
Chris: OK, one… two… three…
(The dock proceeds to collapse, depositing everyone into the water.)
(Chris laughs uncontrollably, before realizing that Lisa L, Bubblegum, and Rick are on the boat with him.)
Chris: Hey, you were supposed to be on the dock.
Lisa: Oh, please. It was blatantly obvious what you were trying to do. We'll be at the campsite. (walks off, leaving Chris to glare)
(The camera cuts to the campfire pit, where all the campers are assembled. Most of them are still soaking wet from the impromptu swim in the lake.)
Chris: (at the podium) Welcome to Camp Wawanawkwa, one of your new homes for the whole summer. You all know the rules: you will be divided into four teams of twenty-six. You will then compete in challenges against one another, and the big losers of each one will have to vote someone off the show for good. The last camper left standing will receive everlasting fame for outliving 104 contestants, and one million dollars!
(Grunkle Stan and Eddy's eyes lit up with dollar signs.)
Chris: So, let's get you divided into teams, shall we? If I call your name, please head into a group. Lisa Simpson, Jake, Muscle Man, Skips, Courage, Brian, Luna, Marco, Steven, Amethyst, Baljeet, Craig, Beast Boy, Soos, Leela, Bismuth, Luan, Lola, Bob, Connie, Numbuh 2, Pearl, Candace, Bender, Peridot, and Robin.
(The campers group up, followed by Chris throwing them a tarp with a gopher on it.)
Chris: From now on, you will be known as the Screaming Gophers!
Peridot: Um, what's a gopher?
Beast Boy: All right, I'm a Gopher! (turns into a gopher)
Craig: Really, a gopher? That's the best you can come up with?
Soos: People usually say that I look like a human gopher, so this kind of fits.
Chris: Team number two will consist of: Steve, Cyborg, Patrick, Rick, Pizza Steve, Lana, Dib, Ed, Tweak, Eddy, Mabel, Fry, Marceline, Wendy, Louise, Garnet, Raven, Benson, Peter, Kyle, Lori, Star, Kenny, Cartman, Mr. Gus, and Zim. You will be known as: the Killer Bass!
Lana: Killer Bass? That sounds awesome!
Eddy: It sounds kind of lame to me.
Ed: Cheer up, Eddy! We are now cute, little fishies.
Pizza Steve: I concur. There's no way that Pizza Steve is a fish.
Chris: Sorry, no team swaps. The next team will be: Pops, Lisa Loud, Isabella, Greg, Ferb, Buford, Lincoln, Grunkle Stan, Vanessa, Rigby, Lapis, Starfire, Gene, Squidward, Lynn, Numbuh 5, Stan Marsh, Milo, Homer, Lumpy Space Princess, Sylvia, Mordecai, Gaz, Leni, Uncle Grandpa, and Roger. You will be known as the Flying Loons!
Leni: Loon? Isn't that a word for a crazy person?
Ferb: Actually, a loon is a type of bird, indigenous to… (sees Leni's vacant expression) Never mind.
Chris: And finally: Jack, Linda, SpongeBob, Numbuh 3, Hank, Stewie, Bubblegum, Butters, Wander, Stan Smith, Dipper, Double D, Numbuh 1, Numbuh 4, Ice King, Bart, Lucy, Morty, Phineas, Finn, Panda, Griz, Doofenshmirtz, High Five Ghost, Tina, and Ice Bear! You will be known as the Ferocious Boars!
Chris: Now that we've got you divided up, let's show you your living arrangements.
(The camera cuts to outside the four cabins.)
Chris: Each team's names will be displayed over the doors to their respective cabins. Boys get one side, and girls get another. There's a communal bathroom across the way, as well as a…
Confessional (Chris): An outhouse confessional! You can come in here to vent your feelings to the viewing audience, away from prying ears here on the island.
(Cut to outside the confessional, where Chris steps out.)
Chris: So, who wants to give it a go?
Confessional (Lisa S): OK, so I'm going to use the prize money to raise awareness to save the polar bears (takes out poster of a crying polar bear)
Confessional (Luan): (makes a corny joke about the outhouse's smell)
Confessional (Peridot): Oh, so this is like my old tape recorder. I let Steven talk me into doing this because he promised it would be like Camp Pining Hearts. So far, it looks like it's true.
Confessional (Steve): My Mom is making me, my Dad, and my, uh, cousin compete in this competition for family bonding reasons. I've accepted it, but my Dad… not so much.
Confessional (Patrick): (Asleep, and snoring loudly)
Confessional (Lana): (looks down the toilet) This looks the plumbing could use some work.
Confessional (Dib): Zim is up to something by signing up for this silly competition, and I'm going to find out what!
Confessional (Peter): (pauses, then farts loudly) Ha-ha-ha.
Confessional (Kyle): Ugh, now I've got to spend the whole summer on Cartman's team.
Confessional (Kenny): (muffled words)
Confessional (Lincoln): While the cash prize is good and all, I mainly entered this show to finally earn the respect of my sisters.
Confessional (Lynn): I'm ready to take my team to victory!
Confessional (Numbuh 5): Numbuh 5 thinks all this nonsense is a waste of time. She's only here because Numbuh 1's convinced that an evil adult conspiracy is behind it all.
Confessional (Linda): Aw, poot. I hoped this could be a good bonding experience for all of us, but we're all on different teams.
Confessional (Doof): Despite what you may think, I didn't sign up for this to conquer the Tri-State Area. I'm actually trying to spend some quality time with my daughter.
Confessional (Tina): I signed up to meet cute boys, whether it be here or in the audience. (blows a kiss)
(The camera cuts to outside the Gopher cabin. Bismuth wals across the porch, and rips up a section of the wood floor.)
Bismuth: Is every Earth structure made of this highly-flammable substance?
(Pan left to show Marco looking out of the boys' side window. He rolls his eyes, then goes back to unpacking his stuff, when a water balloon hits him in the back of the head.)
Marco: Hey, what gives?
Muscle Man: That was prank number one of this summer. Don't worry; there's more to come. (Laughs)
(Meanwhile, Brian, who has chosen a bunk bed with Courage, begins lighting up a cigarette.)
Courage: Are you smoking?
Brian: There's no rule against it.
(Suddenly, the doors to the cabin fly open, revealing Robin.)
Robin: All right, men. We are in dire need of a leader for this team. Naturally, I'll nominate myself. That means you guys have to do whatever I say, when I say it. You losers got that? (Silence) Good. (Walks out of the cabin.)
Craig: Man, what an bleephole.
Beast Boy: Oh, that's just Robin. You'll get used to him.
Numbuh 2: Really?
Beast Boy: Nope. Now, who wants to dare me to eat whatever I find under my mattress?
Bob: This is going to be a long summer.
(The camera pans over to the Bass cabin, where Garnet is standing still on the porch, as the rest of the women head inside.)
Raven: Uh, aren't you going to unpack?
Garnet: Gems have no need for material possessions, nor sleep.
Star: Oookay.
(At the boys' side, Cartman and Eddy put their suitcases on the same bed.)
Eddy: Hey, I was here first, fatty.
Cartman: I'm big boned, bleepwad!
Benson: All right, break it up! If we start out fighting like this, we'll never win challenges. Now, just share the bunk, or else. (Walks off, leaving the two boys to glare at each other)
(Cuts to the Loon cabin, where all the team members are standing outside the cabin on the porch. Both the boys and the girls simultaneously open the doors to both sides, revealing the interior in all its musty glory.)
Squidward: This is it? I'd rather sleep inside the Krusty Krab!
Lisa L: (hurrying inside the girls' side, dousing the floor with chemicals) Must disinfect; who knows who was here before us.
Lapis: (sighs, and leans against the railing)
Starfire: Aren't you coming into the cabin?
Lapis: No need. (sprouts water-wings, flies up to the roof, and sets a sleeping bag down)
Gene: (as the boys enter their side) So, what's the Krusty Krab?
Squidward: Only the most disgusting restaurant in all of Bikini Bottom.
Gene: Hm, sounds like my dad's shop.
Finn: Hey, there's a problem, guys. There're not enough beds.
Milo: Don't worry, I came prepared. (pulls out a sleeping bag from his backpack)
(Finally, we cut to the Boars' cabin. At the girls' side, Lina, Tina, and Bubblegum are looking around their cabin.)
Linda: Well, looks like we're the only four girls on our team. I know we'll be competing against each other later, but for now, let's be friends. (puts her hand out, followed by Bubblegum and Tina doing the same) Hey, where's the other girl?
Lucy: (sticks her head out from a nearby vent) I'm right here.
Bubblegum: Don't you want a bed to sleep on?
Lucy: I prefer the vents.
Linda: Yeesh. (walks out onto the porch, where Hank is currently at)
Ice Bear: (walks out of the boys' side) Ice Bear is calling lawyer.
Linda: (to Hank) So, it's Hank, right? I'm Linda; looks like we'll be on the same team.
Hank: (holds up hands) Um, I'm a married man. (runs off)
Linda: What?
(Suddenly, an ear-piercing scream shatters the camp. It belongs to Lori, who is looking into the communal bathroom.)
Lori: Like, what literally is this? (Everyone comes to the bathroom, and exclaims in disgust. Stewie even pukes.)
Lana: (looks the least disgusted) A couple of plumbing jobs should fix this up right away.
(The loudspeaker whines, and a voice filters through the camp.)
Chef: If you guys want some grub, then head to the mess hall pronto! If you're not there in fifteen minutes, then you don't eat!
(Cut to inside the mess hall, where all the campers are lined up for lunch.)
Chef: Here's the deal! I serve it three times a day, and you will eat it three times a day. So get your plate, get your food, and sit your butts down now!
Candace: (first in line, receives something that looks like sloppy joes) Is this what constitutes as food nowadays?
Chef: What was that, pencil neck? I didn't hear you!
Candace: (salutes) Nothing, sir!
(Cut to Numbuh 4 leaning over to High Five Ghost, and whispering something while snickering.)
Chef: What was that orange sweatshirt? I didn't hear you!
(Numbuh 4 is about to answer with a sneer on his face, when HFG slaps a hand to his mouth.)
HFG: He didn't say anything!
(Cut to Homer sitting down to eat his food. He tries a bite, only to spit it out. He tries another, and spits it out again. The camera pans over to Leela at another table continually getting spat on, before she stands up, and kicks Homer in the groin.)
Chris: (steps into the mess hall) Hey, campers! How's the food? (grumbles of dissent) That's great! Your first challenge will begin in fifteen minutes, so be prepared. (walks out, unaware that Bart has flung a meat wad at him with his spoon; the wad hits the door, causing Bart to snap his fingers)
(Excited whispering erupts.)
Panda: What do you think they're going to make us do?
Doofenshmirtz: It's our first challenge. They're not going to make us, like, jump off a cliff or something.
(Cut to all the campers on top of the highest cliff on the island.)
Stan Marsh: Aw, bleep.
Teams
Screaming Gophers: Lisa Simpson, Jake, Muscle Man, Skips, Courage, Brian, Luna, Marco, Steven, Amethyst, Baljeet, Craig, Beast Boy, Soos, Leela, Bismuth, Luan, Lola, Bob, Connie, Numbuh 2, Pearl, Candace, Bender, Peridot, and Robin
Killer Bass: Steve, Cyborg, Patrick, Rick, Pizza Steve, Lana, Dib, Ed, Tweak, Eddy, Mabel, Fry, Marceline, Wendy, Louise, Garnet, Raven, Benson, Peter, Kyle, Lori, Star, Kenny, Cartman, Mr. Gus, and Zim
Flying Loons: Pops, Lisa Loud, Isabella, Greg, Ferb, Buford, Lincoln, Grunkle Stan, Vanessa, Rigby, lynn, Starfire, Gene, Squidward, Lynn, Numbuh 5, Stan Marsh, Milo, Homer, Lumpy Space Princess, Sylvia, Mordecai, Gaz, Leni, Uncle Grandpa, and Roger
Ferocious Boars: Jack, Linda, SpongeBob, Numbuh 3, Hank, Stewie, Bubblegum, Butters, Wander, Stan Smith, Dipper, Double D, Numbuh 1, Numbuh 4, Ice King, Bart, Lucy, Morty, Phineas, Finn, Panda, Griz, Doofenshmirtz, High Five Ghost, Tina, and Ice Bear
Eliminated: 0
Number of Contestants: 104