After they'd stopped running, Jed had taken stock, of those who had made it out, those who hadn't, what they had left, what they had lost, and it all became…too much. Everyone was looking to him, to lead, now more than ever, and Jed had just…walked away. So, here he sat, alone, looking out over the fires smoldering in the valley. He smelled the smoke drifting around him and his hands clenched tightly into fists. How could he have been so careless, so stupid? He'd let himself get too comfortable, when he knew damn well the dangers of letting down your guard. He'd lost his focus, on revenge, on the fight, on keeping everyone safe. He'd started to think about other things. Toni's face flashed into his mind. Smiling softly at him on the bridge, unlocking something warm and fragile in his chest. Grimacing in pure panic as she was running for her life, screaming.

Jed gave his head a sharp shake, trying to force his mind to clear, but his thoughts continued to tumble over and over .They scattered to places he didn't want to go, to his first deployment. What a cluster fuck that had been. Fresh out of bootcamp, but still drowning in grief, Jed had, once again, lost his focus. Came close to getting his whole platoon killed. Now, it was happening again. Jed's already tight shoulders hunched in tighter, and his stomach, a constant knot of anxiety and dread these days, twisted even harder.

Sometimes, in his darkest moments, Jed wished it was his brain that fucking North Korean bastard had blasted a bullet into. At least then, these kids would've had a fighting chance, with his Dad. Jed shuddered as Dad's image forced its way into his mind. Tom Eckert, strong, loyal, dependable, a real leader. The polar opposite of Jed, the fucked-up, coward of a son who was only good for following orders, not giving them. Shit! Jed viciously rubbed the heels of his hands into his burning eyes, not wanting to remember, but he couldn't stop it. Couldn't stop seeing their bodies, all of them, lying still in the desert, crumpled in front of their cabin, crushed under the weight of the truck, broken in the mine, spread bloody on the pavement, smashed against the windshield. Each one, another life he couldn't save.

Cutting through the swirl of his thoughts, Jed heard a twig snap, picked up the sounds of someone approaching, already closer than they should have been able to get unnoticed (There's that loss of focus again Eckert…a dark voice inside his head sneered), and he tensed, his rifle at the ready. Whoever it was, their pace was slow, almost hesitant, not trying to tread light. One of the kids then, Jed thought and relaxed minutely. Christ, he hoped it wasn't Matty coming to look at him with eyes full of accusation and disappointment, reminding Jed of all the ways he had failed him. Jed couldn't handle that right now.

When the footfalls drew next to him, Jed swiveled his head and looked up to see not Matty, but Toni standing there, her hands stuffed into the pockets of her jacket, her cheek and forehead smudged with ash.

"Hey," she said, her soft voice sounding loud in the silence. Jed looked her over once, a slight nod his only acknowledgement, then turned his gaze back to the flickering lights in the valley. Talking with Matty might have been bad, but Toni wasn't much better. The conversation with her on the bridge, right before everything went to hell (Leaning in for a kiss, you sly dog, does she know the things you've done), had started something that Jed didn't have the time or energy to finish.

Toni quietly sat down beside him, laying her side arm next to her. It wasn't like Jed to wander off on his own. He normally hovered close to the group, a constant watchful presence. She found it comforting in a way. Something had to be wrong for him to be out of their sight for more than a couple minutes and Toni had volunteered to check on him. But now that she was sitting next to him, Toni felt the weight of everything, days upon days of hypervigilance, loss, taking its toll. She could understand why Jed had wanted to be alone. They sat together in heavy silence, both staring into the distance, not really seeing anything.

After a while, Toni shook herself, rubbing her hands on her jean clad thighs to warm them. This wasn't what she had come out here for. She had come to check on Jed, so she had to get him to talk to her which was easier said than done. Gently, she nudged him with her shoulder. He gave no reaction. It was an admittedly feeble attempt to recapture some of what they'd had on the bridge, where his eyes had been clear, his attention focused on her. Toni played the moment over again in her mind. She'd been this close to getting what she had wanted after years of waiting…hoping…longing. She could still feel the warmth of Jed's breath against her lips, before…well just before. She hoped she wasn't being too transparent, but Jed seemed too preoccupied with his own brooding to call her on it.

Toni's thoughts paused, something was off. This was same Jed who'd harped and harped on them about always being aware of their surroundings, always staying alert, focused. But he hadn't noticed her approach until she was practically by his side. Toni's brow furrowed and she started to worry that he might be worse off than any of them had thought. She knew Jed felt responsible for all of them, especially his brother, felt he had to keep them safe. The attack had been a fresh trauma to the Wolverines .Everyone else was leaning on each other, drawing what comfort they could from the group, but Jed had just walked off by himself.

The new, older Jed had the 'strong and stoic' thing down to a science and he had only become more intense as the invasion had unfolded. The carefree boy, with a twinkle in his eyes and a ready laugh, who had made Toni fall for him, hard, was long gone. When Toni had seen him sitting hunched on the cold ground, hoodie pulled protectively over his head, she couldn't help but remember another boy, broken, shutting down and shutting everyone out, standing alone at his mother's funeral. Toni knew that kid was still inside Jed, still hurting. She'd seen it when she'd first approached him at the bar and promptly stuck her foot in her mouth.

Toni sighed, refocusing her thoughts, now she was the one getting lost in her brooding. She turned and really looked at Jed, saw how tense he was holding himself, the deep lines of worry across his brow, the dark circles under his eyes. Toni gave his shoulder another soft nudge with hers.

"Jed. You should try and get some sleep," she offered quietly.

"I'm okay." He muttered still not looking at her.(Really, you're going to straight-up lie to her now, that's great Eckert, you're such a piece of work).How could he explain himself, explain what went wrong? Jed didn't know, but Toni deserved something from him, they all did. "You know this was…this was bound to happen, sooner or later." He'd known, (You should've been better, should've been smarter).

"Yeah," Toni sighed in reply. "I've been talking with the rest of the group, Jed…" she started, and then hesitated, searching for the right words, her gaze sweeping out over the valley. She missed Jed closing his eyes and bracing himself, preparing for what she was going to say next, the listing of his failures. "They're starting to question everything."

Jed's head slumped forward in defeat. Who the hell put you in charge anyway? Jed heard that jerk-off Pete echoing in his head. Now everyone else was thinking it too. And who could blame them? Toni's voice filtered back in as she continued, but Jed wasn't really listening anymore.

"Nobody's saying they want to quit, but…"Toni's words failed her and she trailed off.

"Yeah," Jed breathed out, "makes sense. Finally seeing what a fuck-up they got stuck with. Of course, they'd want to get the fuck out of dodge. "Jed's words caught Toni by surprise and not just because he said them with such venom. No one had so much as breathed a word against Jed after that traitor Pete left the group. He had to know they all believed in him, trusted him implicitly. Toni knew Jed was a big reason, maybe the biggest reason, they were still going, still alive. Jed had to know that too…didn't he?

Toni opened her mouth to speak, but Jed barreled on. "I mean, two more people are dead because of me, my mistakes. And it's only going to get worse. "He shook his head in disgust. "You'd think that three fucking tours would have burned this shit out of me. Taught me how to stop fucking up, be better, be smarter, stop losing people. I don't know why you're even still here! "Toni's mouth snapped shut. Jed's voice was shaking, rising and it was like he couldn't stop himself. She'd never seen him this visibly upset and she wasn't sure how to react. He was spiraling out of control and it scarred her. "First Mom, then Dad, all the others, and I can't stop it. I can't stop any of it! "Jed's eyes were wild and his breathing ragged. "I just keep fucking up! Getting the people I care about killed! Next, it'll be Matty, or you, or…or…"

Toni's heart was caught in a vice and she couldn't listen to anymore. She wasn't sure what, but she had to do something. Without over thinking it, she reached out, pulling Jed towards her, her hands on either side of his face, sealing her mouth over his firmly. Jed made a soft, hurt sound against her lips and froze. She could feel dampness under her palms and the stubble of Jed's beard against her chin .At first, the kiss was just to stop his words, but as she pressed harder against his chapped lips, Toni realized she was also finishing what they had started on the bridge. At last, she was kissing Jed Eckert, albeit not in the most romantic of ways. A shiver ran through her body all the same.

Toni kissed Jed again, more gently, changing the angle, but still received no response. Doubt began creeping into her mind. Maybe she'd misread the situation, misread him, and perhaps she'd just made everything much, much worse. Slowly, Toni pulled back, their lips parting with a soft sound. Her now shaking hands slipped down, pushing the hood of his jacket back. Toni held her breath, and waited, her face still inches from his, a knot twisting in her belly.

Jed slowly opened his eyes and looked at her like he'd only now noticed she was here, with him. His breathing was unsteady, but Toni thought, maybe that was just from his outburst earlier. She felt the faint tremoring of his body, held rigid with tension. Long seconds passed and Jed remained frozen, until Toni could only drop her eyes, guessing she had her answer. She pulled her hands away from him and readied herself to stand when Jed's expression quickly hardened. Suddenly, he surged forward, his hands shooting up to grab Toni and pull her into a harsh kiss of his own.

TBC

Author's Note: Title from The Heart of the Matter written by Henley, Campbell and Souther.