This is an absolute crack drabble that my muse insisted on after discording with shipmates. Thanks to thepirateandhisson (for her mental slip that gave birth to it) and elizabeethan (for making me aware there was an audience for my crazy).

Rating is for language and implied sex only.

"Emma, no," Killian deadpanned, his discarded boxer briefs clutched in his fist like a shield.

"Come on," she begged, smiling coyly as she rolled from her back to her stomach on the bed, kicking her legs playfully back and forth. "Just do it."

"Absolutely not, Swan."

And no amount of her long, nude legs were going to convince him otherwise.

"It's just us," she pointed out, motioning to the empty bedroom. "What are you worried about?"

"I know what this is – this is that peer pressure I've heard you warn Henry about," Killian said, narrowing his eyes and stepping nimbly into his underwear, "and I'm not about to fall for it."

"This is not – you doing it isn't going to hurt anyone, Killian. I just thought that if it were possible for anyone to do, it would be you with that..." she gestured to the bulge between his legs that he'd only just hidden away. "...well, you know."

"Know what?"

"It's massive, babe, your cock. And Ruby swears it's the funniest thing – "

"Just what exactly," Killian growled, "is the funniest – "

"Not you," Emma stammered, cringing at her word choice. "Not you. Ruby does not know anything about sex life, I swear. Gross. I meant that the thing is funny."

"I do not want to think about Ruby after we've just made love, Swan," Killian sighed, rubbing his temple and turning back to face her. "If I do this, will you swear to never bring it up again?"

"I swear," she promised, doing her level best to keep a straight face.

"And I'll expect something in return, of course."

"I would expect nothing less from my pirate," she grinned. "So...you're gonna do it?"

"Aye," he sighed pulling his briefs back down and kicking them onto the floor. "Now, explain this helicopter again, Swan, because I won't be doing it twice."

"I love you so much," Emma beamed, and then she raised her hand between them and made a simple motion with her wrist, spinning it around in a circle. "So you just hold on, I guess, and kind of do that."

"This isn't some…is this a normal thing women in this world ask their men to perform?" Killian asked, eyebrows leaping up and his finger scratching at the back of his ear as he tried to delay the inevitable.

"No, definitely not. Besides, you're the first guy I've seen that's actually big enough to do it. No one else really holds a candle to you, babe."

Killian scratched a little more urgently, his cheeks flushing straight up to the tips of his ears. Emma often praised his size, but in this context it all seemed rather silly.

"Alright then, love, and remember," he growled, his tone darkening. "Never again."

"Pinky promise," Emma smiled, crooking her finger and waving it in the air between them.

"I haven't a clue what that gesture means, but I've only agreed to do the helicopter one," Killian insisted, giving her the most serious look he could manage as she bit her lip and smirked.

Glancing once more around the empty bedroom, he took himself in hand, eyes rolling up to the ceiling to prevent any further embarrassment that looking at his wife might bring.

For the first time in his life, his hand wrapped around his cock brought no pleasure, but knowing his Swan would only relent once it was done, he gripped it firmly and swiveled his hips in a way he hoped might bring about the desired effect.

When it didn't, he very quickly rotated his wrist, watching with abject horror as his cock swung in a wide circle, the sensation just as displeasing as having agreed to do it in the first place.

Emma's peal of laughter erupted from the bed a few feet away, her cheeks red and eyes shining with tears.

"Bloody hell," he grumbled, unhanding himself and scrambling for his briefs.

"Killian," she gasped, rolling off the bed and taking his wrist and hand in hers, "Killian, please, I'm sorry — it's just...it's funny, but it's supposed to be. God, I've wondered what that would look like ever since Ruby mentioned it."

"I've no idea just where that she-wolf saw such a thing, and I'm quite certain I don't want to," Killian warned, abandoning his embarrassment in favor of relishing the laughter he'd pulled from his love. He drew Emma tightly into his embrace (now that was a pleasant sensation), "but your heart's desire, Swan, that's all I want."

"Oh no, babe, I think after that big performance, we get to move on to your heart's desire," Emma purred, backing up towards the bed and tugging her husband along. "I think you mentioned something about some uncharted territory the other night?"

"Oh, aye," Killian growled, his eyes flashing as he clawed at his underwear once more, following Emma onto the bed as she turned onto her hands and knees. "I'm very desirous of that plunder indeed, Swan."

"Well, come on then, Captain," Emma called, smirking over her shoulder, "plunder me."

And whatever it was that had his wife so fascinated with helicopters and their strange machinations, it was worth it.