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Trigger warning: This deals with the topic/mention of rape and heavy angst.

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"I'm eighteen now. Eighteen years old, Eiji, and it's still happening. Nothing's changed, while at the same time, everything else... it's just..."

Eiji, bless him, was still listening, still putting up with it yet again. He could escape from this repetition, yet he stayed. At some point he had taken Ash's hands into his and kept them there.

"Ten years. I just, I look back ten years and my life is completely different. I'm no longer a child, I'm no longer in Cape Cod, my brother is dead, there's just... There's nothing around me that's the same except this. It's like everyone and everything can change but me. Nothing's changed for me. It's like there's something really, truly, wrong with me."

They had so much to do, so much more pressing and important things to plan. Max was in danger, they had to get everything done in time. And yet here they were.

Useless.

"No, Ash," Eiji, of course, would say that. "There's definitely a lot of wrong in your life, but not you. Never you. You need to understand that. You deserve happiness just like any person."

"Then why does it keep happening?" Selfish, selfish, how could he demand an answer to such a thing from Eiji. "Why does it keep happening? I'm still acting in some way that attracts them, I'm still..."

Existing. Still breathing. With those scars etched so deep yet so fresh anyone could pick them and rip them open again, reminding Ash that his skin and mind hadn't harden into steel like he believed, that surviving through all that for so long had never strengthened him but really, truly, weakened and broken him.

Foxx's words echoed in his mind and Ash's whole body shuddered. More than the pain, it was the loss of control again, the possessiveness of someone else over him, those fucking words. He was used to this, he knew this, and yet the shudder of pure disgust shot through his body and Ash felt the physical urge to vomit.

"I'm still just a scared little boy. I'm still asking for it."

"Aslan!" Eiji snapped suddenly. In any other time, Ash might've been surprised, embarrassed or perhaps even amused by the treatment, the tone, sounding so much like a parent scolding. Or what he was aware parents would do - not like he'd know from experience. "You are far too smart for that. To say something so stupid like that."

Ash would sink lower on his spot if he could, just let his body crumble over itself from the weight of his bones and fall onto the bed and disappear into it, never wake up again. Would Eiji still think him smart if he knew his thoughts?

"Everyone's always told me that. It keeps happening, so they must be right somehow."

"No. You've just been forced around very, very bad people all your life. They are holding you like..." " Eiji seemed to struggle momentarely to find the words or expression in English to convey his meaning better. "They imprision you and force you to see only that. To reflect that. When you get out-"

"But I can't get out. " God, I want to. Please, take me away from me. Please, hold me and never let me go, Eiji. "This is my life and who I am. I just told you, literally, ten years back and-"

"Something like that does not mean it's who you are. It means you've survived. That you deserve something different."

He couldn't break down - they had too much to do yet. He couldn't break, but he already was.

"...I'm so tired."

"I know." And he did. He did. Eiji believed Ash. He saw Ash.

It wouldn't be the first time he'd cry in front of Eiji, certainly not the last, but he was too tired to even do that. Yet Eiji knew. He moved towards Ash, letting go of his hands and holding his whole body now, close, warm, safe. Again. Numbing the shudders. Ash let out a breath he didn't even realize had been choking him and felt his body giving out, sinking from the weight of his bones but now held, supported, by Eiji.

"...I'm so tired."

"I know. Please let me help you, okay? Please listen to what I tell you."

He wanted to. He really did.

"I know you have to finish this. And we will, together. And then we can go, and you'll see I am right. This is not who you are. When you come to Japan with me, you'll see."

If only he could.

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the end

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Author's Note: Hello. I'm still deep into in my artistic coma. It has been even less fun than it was last month. Also today is the 11th year mark of a certain fic I wrote, and guess what. Realized there's zero changes in stuff where there should be plenty.

Thanks for reading. Disclaimer at the end but obviously don't own anything in Banana Fish.

Named after the lyrics of Kevin Sherwood and Malukah's song 'Drowning', typed to Lord of the Lost's fantastic 'For They Know Not What They Do'