The debris of space was gently scraping my body on my way down from Vader's betrayal. My heart, or at least the gaping hole that was filled with a heart before being ablated by Force Lightning, doesn't know what to feel. For any Force wielder, feelings are a terrain laden with mystery. But gast, did I solve it! How else does one deceive a galaxy? Doesn't one think that if I could blast my powers at all my enemies to solve everything, would I need to go through the bullshit of making a goddamn WAR MOON?! Talking to that many INSOLENT NITWITS while being a senator?! I would've skipped that load of cokcamaney buffonery 12 parsecs ago! Don't judge me there, I am old!
Ugh, the tiredness of rage is getting to my feeble, useless body. Perhaps exercising the mind wasn't the true key to my success. I mean, here I am, able to conjure lightning and harm people in ways only heard of in legends, yet I was defeated by the most minimal amount of upper body strength. I couldn't even put up a fair bit of struggle against Vader when he grabbled my sagging flesh. Wait…..No…...NO!
Vader had found out how to use his feelings as well! No wonder Anakin was such a prodigious young killer. Harnessing his love for his son, using every bit of it to curtail the will of the Dark Side to overthrow his master, quite literally, down a reactor shaft. Why didn't I foresee such a revelation?! A manipulator such as I, not thinking that the one thing separating Vader from a magical space automaton would lead to my demise. Damn you feelings, damn you Love, damn it to all! Clones were so much easier to manipulate. Creative? HA! Found creative ways of being absolutely fucking useless is more like it!
Instead…..I shall think of how it would be had I exercised. At least I'm still in control there. Ah yes, glorious abs of imagination. Using my new found musculature to overpower Vader and throw HIM down that godforsaken shaft. How do you like that, you melodramatic bucket of bolts!
That's right, Vader was a robot, not a human. So...that must mean…. I led to my own demise….. by giving him those buff cybernetics.
AH PALPATINE! YOU GENIUS OLD CROCK! I KNEW I WAS TOO SMART TO BE DEFEATED BY MY UNDERLINGS. I WAS JUST TOO GOOD FOR MY OWN PLANS!
AGHHH….. What….is this place. Looks like a moon. Well, if I had a spine, I'm for certain it doesn't look like one anymore. I remember when mine used to be as straight as a lightsaber. Now, I lay here, defeated by my own genius on a drifting moon in forgotten space. With only the Force as my solace, I shall use it to repair this traipsing flesh I once called a body. Maybe add in some abs and quads along the way. Try throwing the NEW Palpatine down a reactor shaft now why don't you?! I shall assure you that my quads were never skipped over during my recreation. For one must never skip Leg Day.
Alright, time to get started on turning a new, healthier, leaf!
Wait, what is this, a mirage peering at me in my vulnerability? Wait, it's taking shape! Short, wrinkly, seems like most of my detractors in the senate so far. If not the short, the wrinkly part definitely. At least it doesn't have horns that make it impossible to walk through every door like Mas Amedda. Always walking with him and Chagrians alike, waiting for what seemed like eons for their infuriating horns to slip through the door so I could start manipulating them.
Wait….Green with wrinkles! By the Force, there's only around like three or so guys I've pissed off with that description! But only one of those was powerful enough to conjure up this type of obscene bullshittery!
"Yoda?! What infernal forces allowed you to be here right now?! Not my beloved Force which is going to grant me my mighty strength once more!"
"Alive you still are?!" yelled Yoda through space. They said they can't hear you in space, but I don't think they were taking the fucking ghosts of your mortal enemies into consideration!
"Force Ghost, I have become! Eternal I am! Forgotten the Sith shall always be! Dead old fuck you should be!", said Yoda. I wasn't quite sure what sort of Jedi mind trick this was, but I knew that as long as I had my one collapsed lung, my greatest weapon was still operable to slay Yoda. You see, I cannot touch him, but my words shall tear his green little heart out! If there is still a heart in the old bastard.
"Yoda, I don't know how a wrinkly swamp booger such as yourself has achieved such a state. But I shall tell you, the Jedi are never eternal. The Sith shall always stand, seeping into the minds of those tantalized by the Dark Side. Also….everyone knows that the Jedi had the most idiotic moments in history! Remember how Obi-wan jumped through a window to stop a moving droid without doing anything to actually stop it?! Remember when Anakin tried to love while he was a Jedi, he became the most prominent creep in the galaxy and ended up choking his wife in an obvious BDSM trip gone wrong?! The Jedi shall be remembered for being absolutely moronic! I'm sure the Jedi will get a real kick out of my new body once I come back and build an army like the galaxy has never seen! Another article for their wall of momentous failures!"
Yes! I seem to have broken through Yoda's straight face, I see the rage building in him! Flowing through him! I have retained my most precious gift, my mind! However, I shall never use another apprentice's help. I shall only make another me, only... more physically imposing and scary looking. A real sinister joke….Gasp
Yes, that will be his name! Sinister Joke! Snoke! And he shall have a menacing title too! Something like… SUPREME LEADER! That will put a twist in those Jedi's kyber crystals!
Or maybe something else. I'll... workshop that one.
"Yoda, you say I should be dead, but I shall tell you. Death was a concept invented by inferior beings. Therefore, since Jedi are inferior beings, death was also invented by the Jedi. QED. It is a silly concept for those whose brains have been poisoned by unbelievable amounts of Dagobah swamp water! I shall use the Force to revive myself into a form that shall spread fear into the galaxy's heart!"
Um...well, this is going much slower... than I had hoped.
Yoda smirks as Palpatine's wobbly woos entertain him greatly. "A long time this will take! A great Force user, you are not!"
"Shut up you moldy mongrel! At least I had the power to survive such a fall, you died of what, old age?! Hah! How pitiful of a green bastard do you have to be to end like that!"
"Wait and see, we shall!", Yoda says as he whisks away to wherever the hell he came from. Now, back to the important work. ABS!
*Decades of Woobly Woos Later*
"Ah yes! My body is complete! Now time to take a rest on my throne as my true power blossoms!"
But then I was suddenly awoken by what appears to be a group of cardboard cutouts that have somehow acquired some sort of life, albeit seemingly meaningless.
"Ehh...WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU!"
"Why hello Palpatine, I'm Rey," said the rather bland seeming one.
"What are you doing here?! How are you wielding a lightsaber as well as you are?! Most importantly, how did a child such as yourself find me?! I wasn't asleep so long that some young, spoiled brat such as yourself was gifted the Force and the strength to beat my new incredible physique." I then take a second to flex my mythic musculature at the feeble youngsters.
"Please….never do that again. Looks like I'm not gonna feel that bad for killing you after all… Grandpa!
"What?! WHAT?! DAMMNIT, HAS MY GENIUS BEGUN TO SPREAD THROUGH MY BLOODLINE?! SHALL MY GENIUS YET AGAIN DEFEAT ME WITH THIS GIFTED BRAT! NO I SAY! N….
She….she struck me. I…. I can't….not again. I really need to stop making such good apprentices. However….
HAHA MY GENIUS TRIUMPHS ONCE AGAIN!
*Croak*
*For real this time*
*Probably*
(*For now*)