Three Jokers in the Pandemic 2
Jared Leto's Joker had recently received his second dose of the Covid-19 vaccination. He was now feeling the after effects. To put it succinctly, it fucking sucked.
For three days and three nights he'd locked himself inside his room as the pain wracked him all over from his dick to his iconic Damaged tattoo, being bedridden and unable to do much of anything. His cries of agony, so loud they cancelled noise-cancelling headphones, quite irritated his two roommates Heath Ledger's Joker and Joaquin Phoenix's Jokers.
"Good thing Jack ain't around to hear this otherwise we'd really be in hell." Ledger Joker pointed out.
"Yeah. Wonder what happened to that anti-vaxx weirdo. We haven't seen him since, what was it, Christmas?" Phoenix Joker wondered. Jack Nicholson's Joker, as the eldest of the bunch, had proven the most susceptible to the lethal cocktail of Fox News and Facebook. He had since gotten into QAnon and had been among the mob of insurrectionists that had stormed the Capitol.
He would have been arrested by the FBI if his old buddy Michael Keaton's Batman had not found and killed him first like the good ol days.
"AAAAAAAAA!" Suddenly, Leto Joker burst out of his room like a sentient sack of wet moldy rags. The other Jokers' eyes widened in shock, their jaws dropping. It seems those vaccine side-effects had really done a number on Jared!
"Holy shit, Jared, but you don't look like shit for once!" Ledger Joker was in awe.
"Whuh… whuh… you mean?" Leto Joker wondered before he whipped out his phone and set the camera to selfie mode. He saw what the other Jokers saw.
"No… no… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Leto Joker fell to his knees in a performance that would put Hayden Christensen/James Earl Jones to shame.
His hair had grown out and his tats were all gone – the very ink had been burned out of the skin by the vaccine. In his delirious vaccine haze he had not realized that he had dressed not in one of his usual pimpsta outfits but now was in a post-apocalyptic Jihadist riot cop outfit. Damaged was but a memory now. Jared Leto Joker was no longer the Joker of the Suicide Squad but now the Joker of Zack Snyder's Justice League and it was all thanks to the Coronavirus Vaccine.
(If someone from DC and Warner Bros is reading this, please #ReleaseTheAyerCut)
"Why are you being such a girl about this?" Ledger Joker asked as he sipped some apple juice.
"I LOOK LIKE YOU TWO SCHMUCKS NOW!" Leto Joker cried. "DAVID AYER GAVE ME A SPECIAL JOKER LOOK! NOW I'M JUST-"
"Finally passable for a Clown Prince, that's what." Ledger Joker said coldly as he spat in his apple juice and splashed the rest of it in Leto Joker's face to calm him. "Having a pus-filled boil on your dick-tip is special too, but you don't see peeps with pus-filled boils on their dick-tips crying when they lose 'em."
"Hey, man, ease off him. He's going through a tough time. He needs a safe space." Phoenix Joker said.
"Uh-uh, no special snowflake treatment for this fucker." Ledger Joker laughed.
"Fuck you Heath!" Leto Joker began crying and started turning.
"Where you off to, Pussy Boy?" Ledger Joker continued to egg him on.
"TO GET TACO BELL, YOU PILLCHUGGING FUCK!" Leto Joker sobbed as he ran out of the apartment. "AT LEAST LIVE MAS DON'T HATE ME!"
"Oh, go ahead and bring up how my actor died! Ya dildobert!" Ledger Joker hissed. "Well, better to be dead than Jared Leto!"
"You done talking shit or are we gonna have to find new appointments? Clock's tickin!" Phoenix Joker was not amused.
"You really sure you wanna do this? You just saw what the second jab did to Jared." Ledger Joker pointed out. "What if it does the opposite to us? It improved Jared, sure, but what if it turns us into 'Damaged' tools like he used to be?"
"Heath, we can't be the bitches of the C-Virus forever. That's just a gamble we gotta take. For our sake, and the future's."
"You got a point there." Ledger Joker sighed. "But if I wake up tomorrow and find out Damaged tats have replaced my scars, I am so seppukuing myself."
Phoenix Joker nodded. "Understandable, man, understandable."
While the two beloved Jokers were out getting their vaccine shots, Leto Joker returned home with a big bag of Taco Bell and a large cup of Baja Blast to boot.
"Man oh mang am I glad potatoes are back. But sheeee-eeeeeet, where the fucks my Mexican Pizza at?"
(Author's Note: If anybody from Taco Bell is reading this you don't actually have to bring back Mexican Pizza, I never had it so I don't care as long as potatoes are here to stay. I got mine, so fuck you bitches)
"I still feel like shit from Coronavirus Vaccine." He sighed thinking out loud as he ate for starters some Nacho Doritos Locos Tacos and Crunchwrap Supreme. "Too shitty to play any video games, goddamn."
He then looked to a big shelf stacked with physical media, the number one red flag of old folks unable to get with the times. Although he hated to admit it, Leto Joker was starting to feel like he was just starting to finally grow outta video games. Where he used to be able to binge entire days away with a controller in hand, now he could only bother for like maybe an hour or just half even before bedtime. For once, his backlog was finally getting smaller. He'd gone through two summers of Steam sales without buying anything.
Or maybe he was just in a mode of perma-salt over being unable to get a PS5 and that was seeping into all aspects of his gamer life.
(Even Jokers, criminal masterminds they are, have had trouble getting a PS5)
But movies still had some magic for him.
"But hey, I can still cheer myself up with some classic flicks. Startin' with my all-time favorite, THE BOONDOCK SAINTS BITCHES!" Leto Joker hooted as he snatched the blu-ray off the shelf and shoved it into the PS4.
Leto Joker helped himself liberally to Spicy Potato Soft Tacos and Cheesy Gordita Crunch as he settled in to let the good times roll. But as the movie began to play, it immediately became clear to Leto Joker that something was off.
It was the same old same old Boondock Saints as it had always been, the film whose poster had proudly adorned his dorm room wall in college. The same old shit he'd been quoting since high school until his friends and enemies had all gathered up to put out his teeth to shut him up.
So why wasn't he having the same old good time he always had when watching The Boondock Saints?
"Hey… is it just the vaccine talking or did this movie always suck this bad? Some of dis movie-makin's downright clownin'." Leto Joker suddenly realized aloud. "This script ain't as funny or clever as I remember… sheeee-it man, there's more wit to be found in Batman and friggin Robin."
(If anybody from DC or Warner Bros is reading this, please #ReleaseTheSchumacherCut of Batman Forever!)
"Nothing about this film really holds up except for Willem Dafoe. God bless him, he's really given this written wack more than it deserves." Leto Joker checked his stash to make sure he wasn't really high and talking out of his ass. To his horror his supply of blunts and edibles hadn't been touched today. With the exception of vaccine side-effects he was completely stone cold lucid.
Leto Joker hit pause on the movie and slumped forward, gripped by dread and disbelief. Before he knew what he was doing he had ejected the Boondock Saints disc and was shooting it to pieces. He keeled onto the floor and weeped for doors had opened and other doors had closed forever. Then he took a big bite out of a Beefy Potato-Rito and washed it down with Baja Blast to ease his nerves.
And tried not to think about how truly alone he was.
"Well, at least Taco Bell's still good. But why… why do I have a sudden hankerin' to watch Seven Samurai insteada this crap?" Leto Joker never watched that kinda serious cinephile crap, even though he'd already seen the cowboy version, the Pixar version, even the cheap Hong Kong version. He had just decided Kurosawa was a boring pretentious hack without ever watching a single movie, except for that time he fell asleep before Rashomon in Intro to Film back in college. "My god… has the vaccine… GIVEN ME TASTE?"
Leto Joker shrugged. The vaccine had already altered him so much. Might as well seen it all the way through, so he went on HBO Max – the shittiest streaming service holding the greatest content hostage.
Seriously, those fucks at HBO Max can't even get a pause button to work sometimes.
As Seven Samurai began, Leto Joker stood against the wall absolutely silent and motionless. His mind blanked as imagery and sound washed over him to no reaction whatsoever.
He thought he might turn to nothingness.
Jared Leto's Joker was nowhere in sight when the other Jokers got back from their vaccinations. The movie was still playing. On the wall where he had stood there was the vague black outline of a nondescript shape. The Two Jokers gaped at it, thinking that maybe if they looked away and then looked back Jared Leto's Joker would be there but there was just the black. As they kept looking the blackness crumbled to dust and blew away.
"Hey look, free Taco Bell!" Ledger Joker without commenting on what they had just seen and picked up some uneaten chalupas. He then scarfed them down.
"Dude, I can't believe you eat that crap. It ain't even real meat and cheese, man!" Phoenix Joker shook his head.
"Just the gamer in me, bro. Fuel up or shut up, bee-yotch!" With a big smile (made bigger by the scars that you know or don't know how he got), Ledger Joker wolfed down all the Taco Bell in sight. "Man, how the fuck is only heroin illegal when they sellin' this on every corner too?"
"Hey Heath, you wonder where Jared went?"
"Nah." The two Jokers were seated around the kitchen table the next morning. Having breakfast.
"What if he's dead? Like he turned into nothingness and just blew away?"
"Eh, tough nuts yo. Jus' like for the Indians." Phoenix Joker kinda cringed, as he remembered that deep in his heart Ledger Joker still wished he could say things like it was the Internet 15 years ago and not seem cringe cause peeps back when were all cringe without realizing it.
"'Sides, Joaquin, we both know that deep down Jared-boy was draggin' our image down. I got no clue why Batfleck never ripped his head off and ate his soul." Ledger Joker insisted. "Worry 'bout your own vaxx side effects instead."
"Y'know… I am feelin' so damn tired. Just wanna lay in bed forever." Phoenix Joker rubbed his head. The morning coffee was doing nohting.
"Get fucked, you actually feelin' shit?" Ledger Joker hooted. "Bro, I feel as fresh as a strawberry patch in the spring."
Ledger Joker flexed. "In fact, not even my arm's as sore as it was after the first dose. Second shot's even worse my ass."
"You lucky bastard." Phoenix Joker moaned. A headache was coming on.
"Guess that's just what happens when I am the Mr. Perfection of Jokers."
"Mark might have something to say about that."
Upon hearing that, the normally cool and in-control Ledger Joker flew off the handle or however that phrase went. He pounded his fists on the table and flung dishes against the walls, waved his arms around like a maniac while he hopped up and down. I think I stole this bit from a Will Ferrell movie or some shit.
"FUCK MARK! HE'S A FUCKIN' OVERHYPED CARTOON PROPPED UP BY NOTHIN' BUT AGIN' 90S KIDS NOSTALGIA! I AM THE BEST JOKER! I AAAAAAAM!" Ledger Joker raged suddenly, like Mark Wahlberg when he sees black or Vietnamese people.
"Dude, you do realize you're getting to the age where people can say the same shit about your Joker too? Overhyped film propped up by nothin' but agin' 00s kids nostalgia?" Phoenix Joker pointed out.
"Like hell. What Joker has been put out since then that stacks up to me?" Ledger Joker sneered. "Jared? Or that freak from Gotham? Don't make me laugh. And you – you're just here because Todd Phillips couldn't get his Scorsese fan-film greenlit without the power of IP. I am the last real Joker."
Ledger Joker continued to self-fellate what he supposed were his grand achievements.
"I TRICKED PEOPLE INTO THINKING CHRISTIAN BALE'S A GOOD ACTOR – NOT JUST SOME ONE-EXPRESSION HACK WHO THINKS GETTIN' FAT OR ANOREXIC IS ACTING - BY MERE ASSOCIATION WITH ME!" Ledger Joker screamed. "People ain't jumpin' on Will Smith's dick cause-a Jared and Suicide Squad, now are they? And let's talk about you, Joaquin – people ain't thinkin' Robert De Niro's a good actor thanks to you are they?"
"But Robert De Niro is a-"
"ALL ROBERT DE NIRO ACTS IN IS GANGSTER MOVIES FOR MARTIN SCORSESE, WHO ONLY MAKES GANGSTER MOVIES. NOT LIKE MARVEL AND DC WHO MAKE MOVIES WITH VARIETY!" Ledger Joker screamed and flipped over the table like a little bitch before storming to his room and slamming the door, then locking it.
"Jesus Christ." Phoenix Joker patted his chest, which had gotten heavy all of a sudden, and took some deep breaths. This vaccine was giving him a hard time again, no beating around the bush, but sometimes you had to take a few kicks in the dick for the good of the whole damn constitution.
Taking the vaccine and its side-effects are like going into the final boss of Yakuza 4 without taking all those kicks in the dick in side content to unlock the bulletproof armor – the road there may suck but in the end what are the first eight circles of hell compared to the ninth?
Meanwhile Ledger Joker was trying to calm down by watching that new Smash video. He was very anxious because all his fan requests had been turned into Mii costumes, but with one slot left, he was sure at least one of his last four requests had a shot of making it in.
At his side were Hot Pockets and Monster Energy Drink.
He looked at the list of his wanted fighters that he had personally mailed to Nintendo Japan headquarters every month since Smash Ultimate had been announced.
On it included Persona 3 Protagonist (a real Persona Game Not that Casual Sell-Out Persona 5 Filth he had written as an addendum), Assassin's Creed Guy, Fall Out Boy, Travis Touchdown, Monster Hunter, and Geno. They had all become Mii Costumes. Remaining on his list were Dante, Lloyd from Tales of Symphonia, Shantae from the old school Game Boy Color, and Knee-Arrow Meme Guy from the good old days.
Ledger Joker was sure at least one of them would become a real Smash Fighter.
On the screen was Sakurai, the Smash Guy.
"This is Kazuya from Tekken. Isn't he cool?" Sakurai said. "Aren't you glad I spent the penultimate Fighter Slot on him?"
"Hell no!" Ledger Joker bitched. "Tekken sucks! Button mashing casual scum franchise of the 3D fighters! Only losers who find Virtua Fighter too hardcore and DoA too horny like Tekken!"
"And because you nerds just won't shut up about so and so for Smash, I hope this makes you happy: your eagerly desired fan-favorites are our next Mii Fighter Costumes!" Sakurai said and with a snap of fingers Ledger Joker saw flashing before him Dante, Lloyd, Shantae, and that guy from the milked dried cow of western RPG games. "Be careful what you wish for, luh-luh-losers!"
"What." Ledger Joker went blank and slack and the first of the five stages began to unfold.
"But don't worry, I promise that everyone will love our final Smash fighter!" Sakurai said. "It's gonna be awesome! Awesome, like a Fire Emblem character. WITH. A. SWORD!"
Sakurai beamed and flashed two thumbs-ups. "I love Fire Emblem! Fire Emblem makes my dick as big and hard as a gaijin's"
"All my requested fighters have been turned into fucking Mii costumes! EVERY LAST ONE! While fucking Steve from Minecraft gets to be a real character? AND WHO THE FUCK IS BYLETH? I STILL DON'T' KNOW." Ledger Joker looked at his list again. All but one. And his final requested Smash fighters were Waluigi, Niko Bellic, Shadow the Hedgehog, Sora, and the best for last…
"Me! Sakurai's gonna turn me into a fucking Mii! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ledger Joker cried like Vader at the end of Episode III.
He shot the screen of his monitor out in a rage. He crammed Hot Pockets into his mouth, let stray sauce and melted cheese dribble down his cheese as he bathed himself in fluid from the Green Monster cans. The Monster blinded his eyes like his rage blinded what remained of his sanity. "NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!
Ledger Joker stormed back into the kitchen, where Jared Leto's Joker had returned and was gabbing it with Phoenix Joker at the kitchen table while he brushed his steeth. It turned out that contrary to what everyone wants, he isn't dead. Yet.
"And all I'm saying is, Kathryn Bigelow was a far more interesting filmmaker when she was making genre flicks with just the right touch of art instead of serious Oscar-bait crap. The only thing hurting after The Hurt Locker was me for sittin' through that nonsense!"
"Whatever you say, Jared. Dude, you're getting toothpaste everywhere." Phoenix Joker sipped some coffee.
"Gettin' toothpaste everywhere is nothin' compared to gettin' bad movies everywhere. Y'know, I ain't against filmmakers tryin' out some new brushes, but sometimes you really are just good for the one thing. I mean, how the fuck did we as a society decide it was OK for the guys who directed shit like Austin Powers or Anchorman to make a Fox News or Dick Cheney movie?"
"Bitch, forget movies! What the fuck are you doing here, Jared?" Ledger Joker demanded. "I thought you died or something!"
"No, just complications from eating way too much Taco Bell at once. Shits like drugs, y'know. Too much of a good thing can kill you."
"Uh..." Phoenix Joker chimed in. "What was up with that weird black shit then? Even Taco Bell doesn't do that, I've seen our toilet one too many times to know the extent of its horrors."
"Eh. The vaccine just made me shed my excess bad taste. The vaccine's changed me for the better, guys. Vaccines rule."
"Then where the hell were you?"
"I was out all night, sucking dick. And eatin' a bit of pussy, too. Cause y'know, I'm a bad guy. Good guys don't do that, apparently."
"I always knew you were a faggot, Jared! But what made ya finally admit it?" Ledger Joker scoffed.
"Cash, what else? Bro, I gotta collect them Criterions!"
"What the fuck are you still buying movies for? You get bonked on the head and forget what year it is?" Ledger Joker giggled like a hyena. "Criterion's a fucking scam, yo. Nobody but nerds cares about that shit like 4K restorations and fluff special features. Get with the times and get streaming, fucking retard! Movies are shit compared to games and anime, man! Except for those Marvel movies, they're grrrrr-reat!"
"Laugh at me at all ya want, but when the big telecom and streaming bubble bursts, you're gonna wish ya stocked up on the discs like I did. Now if you excuse me…" Leto Joker opened one of the kitchen cabinets and pulled out an AR-15. "…I gotta go see James Cameron and get him to stop working on FOUR FUCKING AVATAR SEQUELS for ONE SECOND so he can remaster and rerelease True Lies in 4K UHD."
"True Lies is kinda problematic, yo. Do we really need to be dredging up Hollywood's Islamophobic past now? It ain't like their present is much better." Phoenix Joker pointed out.
"SHUT UP, SOCIAL JUSTICE DICKHEAD!" The other two Jokers yelled back at him. Leto Joker pounced on Phoenix Joker, grabbed him by the hair, and began decking him in the gut. "TRUE LIES IS A FUCKING CLASSIC AND THAT SMURFUCKER JAMES CAMERON DIDN'T EVEN SIGN OFF ON ONE. LOUSY. BLU-RAY!"
"Ok, enough about gay movies! Get your bags and guns! We're going to Japan!" Ledger Joker ripped Leto Joker after he began the process of busting up Phoenix Joker's nose. He separated the other Jokers then he began packing a suitcase.
"What the fuck we need to go to Japan for? Don't you realize there's still a um global pandemic goin' on?" Leto Joker asked.
"I gotta get Sakurai before he gets me! And you two are gonna help me!"
"No way fag." Leto Joker retorted as he took some breath pints out of a drawer and pocketed them. "I got more important things to do. I'm gonna go to the Criterion Collection headquarters and start sucking dick until they release the classic Hong Kong action cinema of John Woo in a nifty fucking boxset."
"Fuck off then. That Hong Kong phooey-shootey crap can't hold a candle to the portals into spectacle of Avengers Endgame anyhow." Ledger Joker sneered. "Those Marvel movies are the best thing to ever happen to moviemaking, cept for Cap'n Marvel. And Black Widow. And Black Panther. Those are the bad ones."
"Fucking philistine!" Leto Joker ignored him and went out to pursue his own destiny.
"What about you, Joaquin? Don't let me down, bro!"
Phoenix Joker shrugged apologetically.
"Sorry, Heath, but I can't. My social justice group is gonna like can me if I go to Japan. Japan is pretty problematic, they say. I haven't even had sushi in years cause I'm skatin' on thin ice as it is. Besides, you shouldn't really be playing Super Smash Bros. It's problematic... y'know. It encourages problematic behavior... y'know. And how come Ganondorf is the only person of dark color in it? And he's evil too... feels like Sakurai tryin' to say all dark people are baddies, y'know? Whites and Asians aren't the only game characters who deserve heroic representation... y'know."
"Oh fuck you too! I didn't even need your SJW-brainwormed help anyways! Fake Ass Joker Fuckass!" Ledger Joker stormed out.
Phoenix Joker stared at the unfinished remains of his breakfast, dipped his finger in the coffee to see if it was going cold.
"I need better roommates, Jesus."
On the next Three Jokers in the Pandemic:
Heath Ledger's Joker puts aside his differences and teams up with an old foe to GET SAKURAI! It turns out he's not the only gamer still salty about Byleth and Steve from Minecraft!
Jared Leto's Joker goes Hollywood and learns about THE FRANCHISE POTENTIAL OF DUNE
Joaquin Phoenix's Joker is given a mission by Special Guest Star President Joe Biden!