The second hand joined the minute hand at the top of the clock, and just like that, his last shift was over. He was done.
Detective Holland 'Dutch' Wagenbach looked down at the now clear desk he had used ever since he first set foot in the Barn, then around the main room of the old church turned station. A new shift of uniforms was beginning to filter in, and Dutch wasn't too familiar with them personally. Not that it mattered. He had already said his goodbyes to Danny, Tina, Julian, and everybody else he was sort of friendly with. Billings was already jogging towards the exit but had made the point of shaking Dutch's hand and wishing him the best before he did so.
Dutch looked up at the Captain's office, where the Captain was standing by the window with a cup of coffee in hand, likely getting ready for some long hours of paperwork and bureaucracy. He caught Dutch looking and raised the cup in a gesture of farewell, which Dutch returned with a nod of his head. The new Captain was a good man and had Dutch's respect, but he would never match up to his predecessor in Dutch's eyes.
The new Captain had been in charge for just over a year, taking over a few weeks after Claudette finally accepted her lupus was affecting her duties and she retired on medical grounds. Her physical decline was so swift she was soon effectively housebound, unable to enjoy the retirement she deserved. However, she still fought the disease long enough to get her affairs in order and see the 'Dutch Man' score another win when he nailed Lloyd Denton for the murder of his mother. Between that and Vic Mackey finally being exposed for what he truly was, she got the closure she was wanting before the end came.
The last time Dutch saw her alive he was able to make her smile. The rumour going about the station that ICE had effectively chained Mackey to a desk made her laugh, but she saved her final, most sincere smile for when he told her about himself and Ellen, and their big news.
The last thing she ever said to him was go and be happy…
At that very moment Dutch's phone buzzed with a message and he looked at the screen. Ellen was waiting outside.
Dutch had called the number on the card a few days after the lawyer left it under her coffee mug, despite Billings insisting that Bitch Dyke was both of those things and Dutch was wasting his time. She was happy to hear from him and they arranged a drink after they both finished work one night.
That drink after work led to a dinner date, then another one, then one that ended with Ellen inviting him back to her apartment, from where he didn't leave until the next morning. He was running late and was forced to wear his good suit to work. Still, he figured it was worth it to see Billings' look of disbelief when he realised Bitch Dyke was not the latter after all…
Dutch and Ellen's relationship blossomed as the months passed, to the point where she'd moved into his house, and he could honestly say hand on heart he had never been happier in his life. Then Ellen told him she was pregnant. He was going to be a dad. He ran the gauntlet of emotions at first, but then it turned out Dutch could even be happier than he first thought.
But then the nightmares started.
There was one where his son was yelling at him and he was trying to yell back, but his mouth wouldn't move. Then he would look in a mirror and see he was his own father. In the second dream, he was trying to run to Ellen and their baby but whenever he reached them, they would vanish, leaving him alone. The voice of Mackey would taunt him, asking him how it felt to never see his kid.
Then there was the one with the cat.
It always started exactly like the time when Dutch was trying to understand what William Faulks, the Cuddler Rapist, meant about killing a living being. He would pick up the cat and squeeze the animal's throat, staring into its eyes and feeling its claws scratch his chest until it stopped moving. Then he would blink. He would open his eyes, and instead of the cat, he would be holding Shane Vendrell's dead son by the throat, just as he was when they found him in the house that day. Eyes closed and toy truck in his little hands…
He told Ellen about the nightmare which led to a confession about the cat. She reacted with horror, and it was not like he could blame her. She moved out, but he gave her space. He just did his job and visited Claudette's grave, as even in death she was the only person he trusted to bear his soul and fears to.
Eventually, Ellen came back, and they talked the talk they needed to have. She was in full lawyer mode, and she asked all manner of questions about the nightmares, his thoughts and fears, and his actions. Dutch answered honestly, telling her things from his past he had ever only told a few select people, and how much she meant to him. The only question he didn't answer was if he could be both a dad and a detective in Farmington because he honestly didn't know the answer.
Ellen told him he would need to answer soon.
It boiled down to a few simple truths for Dutch. He knew he had an obsessive streak, and he knew he had a dark side that the job brought out at times. Every cop crossed that line to some degree, but some step over so far that it's impossible to step back over, and he was scared that one case could be so horrible that he would do anything to close it. He was scared he would end up distant to his child like his own Dad was with him. He was scared he would end up like Mackey, alone with no contact with his family because of his own selfish actions. And he was terrified that one bad day, or one bad decision, could send him on the downward spiral that eventually caused Vendrell to do what he did.
In the end, it was not a difficult decision to make.
It wasn't a big deal to take early retirement and a smaller pension. Claudette had made him one of the beneficiaries of her will, plus a couple of shrewd investments – not to mention his bachelor life was the job and not much else - meant the house was paid for with a little left in the bank. Ellen herself had become partner in her firm before she became pregnant, so she had a secure post to return to. The question was what Dutch Wagenbach was going to do now. Maybe he would work at a college or a training academy and lecture on the psychology of criminals. Maybe he could write a book. He could even be a stay-at-home Dad…
Dutch picked up his box of possessions and walked down the corridor to hand in his service gun and badge, then stepped through the station's doors for the last time. Ellen was waiting, her bump now very visible. Dutch placed his hand on it before he hugged her. It had taken some time to get back on an even keel, but they finally were.
Ellen kissed Dutch on the cheek then whispered if he was sure about giving up being a cop. He paused as he felt the baby kick.
And then he said yes.
He was sure.