Twas but a normal day in the Gryffindor common rooms. The famous – or infamous, depending on who you ask – trio was in their fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and life most certainly could have been better. But alas, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were forced to make the best out of the circumstances presented to them, so, for the one evening, the children opted to forget about murderous Dark Lords, burning, prophetic-vision-giving scars, evil, pink, toady defense instructors, and distrustful classmates… and professors… and ministries… and, well, everyones. For the time being, the children agreed to be just that, children, and play a game of Wizarding Chess while taking turns drawing candies from a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. Ron was, of course, very much in the lead, having taken out six of Harry's chess pieces to his two, and as the two played, Hermione regaled them with tales of wonderous, legendary wizards of the likes of Merlin. Naturally, Dumbledore was on the list, and Hermione very soon reached the story of his defeat of Grindelwald.
"And then he picked up his wand– Oh! By the way, did you know that Dumbledore actually has many middle names? I read it in History of Wizarding Greats, but I can't remember all of them. I believe it was Percival Wolfric Brian… something… Ugh! I should know this!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Oh yeah," replied Harry absentmindedly, focusing on his next move in the chess match. "They said his full name during my hearing. I think it was Albanericus Percival Wolfric Brian Kettling Polliwog Ganders Bristlewood Fertinger Twigs Gerble Peverell Dumbledore, or something like that."
Finally looking up at Hermione, Harry saw her nod thoughtfully, seemingly satisfied with his answer. "That sounds about right," she said. "Although it is surprising that he is related to the Peverells, like you, Harry. I read about them, you know– "
"Wait," Ron interrupted. "Hold on, you're telling me that you find nothing wrong with that? Nothing at all?"
Turning back to Ron, Harry was met with his friend's baffled and gaping expression. Harry tilted his head in confusion. "Wrong? What would be wrong with it? Your turn, by the way," He inquired, motioning at the chess board.
"Blimey, mate, everything's wrong with it! Why the hell would someone's name be that long and– and weird?" Feeling concerned for their redhaired friend's sanity, Harry and Hermione glanced at each out of the corner of their eyes as Ron's voice steadily grew more and more hysterical. "I can't be the only one who sees how strange this is!"
"Ron," Hermione said gently, as if speaking to a lost child. "Are you sure you're feeling alright?"
Harry nodded in agreement with Hermione's question. "Yeah, mate. I know Dumbledore's name is a bit longer than most, and some of his middle names are a bit stranger than muggles', but I don't see why it's so surprising when you grew up in the wizarding community. Plus, our names weren't that shocking to you, right?"
"A bit?!" Ron cried out in despair before the rest of Harry's statement caught up with him. "Wait, what do you mean 'your names'? Harry James Potter and Hermione Jean Granger, isn't it?" he shakily questioned, already knowing he was going to regret asking.
Hermione rolled her eyes exasperatedly. "Well yes, that's part of it, but obviously there's more. I mean, whose name would actually be that short and– and boring! You genuinely don't know our names? After five years of friendship?" She huffed in displeasure, clearly miffed at her friend's ignorance, and continued, without even waiting for an answer. "I'm Hermionearnold Jean Peters Louise Grace Elizabeth Marie Victoria Anne Catherine Granger, and Harry's Harrison James William Darragh Jupiter Charles Peverell Edward Lorcan Christopher Potter. Honestly, Ronald, did you think Harry and Hermione were our full names, or something?"
Ron slammed his hands down on the table and silently glared at the two for all of five seconds before bursting out in anger. "I don't believe you! You're trolling me – you have to be!"
"Ron," Harry sighed, rubbing his fingers over his eyes. "Sit down and finish the game, will you? We have to start our Divination essay soon, remember? I don't know what's going on with you, but I think you just need to leave it. You're probably just tired or something, alright?"
Neville, unfortunately for him, chose that exact moment to walk into the common rooms, halting Ron, who had just opened his mouth to retaliate. "Hey Harry, Hermione, Ron!" He said with a bright grin. Although Neville was still shy and had low self-esteem, his time in the DA had slowly been improving his confidence and ability to hold a conversation with his housemates and peers. Ron, however, pounced at the opportunity of a third-party perspective and immediately began questioning the poor boy.
"Neville! You're with me, right? What's Harry's name?" He looked at the teen expectantly, clearly hoping for a confirmation that he wasn't going insane, or worse, already dead and in hell (although he figured if the latter was true, there should probably be spid– oh, Merlin, no).
Neville, who was rightfully perplexed, answered, "err, Harry?" Scratching his head with a nervous smile.
"No!" Ron growled, facepalming in frustration. "His full name, I mean!"
"Oh, that's, uh, let me think… Harrison James William Darragh Jupiter Charl– "
"NO! BLOODY HELL, WHAT IS GOING ON?!" Ron griped his hair in his fingers and tugged for a few seconds before stopping, walking toward the nearest wall, and banging his head.
"Ron! For Merlin's sake, stop it already!" Hermione yelled at him. At this point, the group had garnered a crowd of onlookers drawn in by the entertaining drama going down in the 'Golden Trio'. The Weasley twins, as usual, passed around popcorn and drinks to the Gryffindors as they witnessed their weekly amusing show.
"Please let me wake up from this nightmare," Ron grumbled in despair as he continued to bash his head against the wall, no one attempting to stop him for fear of catching whatever he had and losing their sanity as well.
"Hey, Ron?" Harry called out. "Checkmate," he grinned proudly at winning his first chess match again the red-head.
This was, evidently the final straw, as Ron screamed, "AARRRGGGHHHHHH!" and stormed out of the room, glaring at everyone in his path.
A few moments later, the watching audience, realizing the drama was over, sighed in disappointment and returned to their tasks. Neville glanced over at Harry and Hermione, raising an eyebrow in surprise, a contemplative expression on his face. "What's his problem?" The boy asked.
Harry and Hermione caught each other's eye and shrugged. "Who knows?"