Rigby's POV

I've always had the ability to easily leave aside things that torment me. Like not being smart enough, or smart at all...

Or not having the capability to make anyone proud, not even my own family. I love my brother Don, but I cant help myself from feeling so envious of him; he is just everything I've never been able to be, and dad saying so all the time didn't help me at all.

And for everyone else? It doesn't matter If I ever make it and graduate from high school, I'll always be the useless slacker. And who could blame them? It's just the truth.

The more I look back, more memories pop out where it was me the one who started the problem. I could try to control myself of course, but then I wouldn't be me anymore.

And that's the problem really, I shouldn't be me at all, and I can't ignore this facts much longer.

It's like I can't win no matter what, and lately I just don't want to keep going into this endless mess that I'm building myself. It's hard to admit it but I just don't want to fight for my life anymore.

And contrary to most of my decisions, this one isn't impulsive, I've thought this through. No one would get hurt if I just die all of sudden.

I know, Mordecai would be really sad for a while, but let's be honest, it would be the best thing that could ever happen to him. No one holding him back from living his best life, working on art as he's always wanted to, and finally not having someone that messes up every single thing that comes into his way. He's gonna be fine and he'll see it sooner or later, I mean, he does know I literally robbed his future once before.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. It doesn't matter if I spend several hours a day laughing with the park crew (specially with Mordecai), in the end I end up remembering who I am and how I can't do anything right. Not even effort seems to change anything, It's like I wasn't made for anything at all except for creating trouble, and lately those thoughts are so heavy that I don't have the humor for anything. It's just getting harder and harder, and I feel like Mordecai is starting to notice that I'm not feeling okay.

Mordecai changes position on his bed and makes a noise but remains asleep. I'm quickly back in the present, all this time staring at the ceiling. I look at the clock. 5 AM. I'd normally be worried, sleeping late would mean that I'd be tired tomorrow, but it's Saturday, I can stay a bit longer in bed.

I close my eyes, exhaustion finally hits and as soon as I blink, the room changes completely. Now there's sunlight, Mordecai isn't on his bed anymore and I have to get up knowing it's a new day.

I go down the stairs, everyone is already having breakfast at the kitchen.

"So, you and Rigby have been acting different lately. Did you really forgive him for stealing your future?" Muscleman asks.

"I mean, he didn't steal my future, I'm here, right?" Mordecai answers peacefully.

"Yeah, but you could have gone to college, art school, followed your dreams man."

"I'd rather not think about it." He keeps eating his cereal probably feeling tense now. "It's not like I haven't enjoyed these years anyway."

I walk in trying to break the tension but everyone stares at me silently. They'll never forget what I did now, wish they wouldn't forget the good things I've done either, but it is what it is.

"Morning, Rigby." Mordecai finally says.

"Morning, uh, everyone." I walk right past them and leave the house walking nowhere in particular, just wanting to get lost in some place at the park. Life has just been different since we came back from that crazy adventure.

"Dude." Mordecai followed me, of course he did.

"Oh, hey." I look up to him trying to stay calmed.

"What's wrong?" He asks with a concerned look.

"You know what's wrong." I reply coldly. "Look, it doesn't matter how sorry I am, I'll never be able to change what happened, and no one will ever be able to fully forgive me."

"Rigby, it's okay. I am okay with what happened, we've already been through this."

I'm unable to say a word, I just stare at him until it turns awkward. I don't believe that.

"Dude, come back. You're always so sad and serious all the time now... I miss you."

Those words hurt like hell, I miss not being self conscious too. "I'm really sorry, Mordecai."

"It's okay. We'll figure it out, I honestly don't know what my life would be without you at this point."

I smile a bit and forget for a second that I don't deserve this, he's being so nice to me after everything. "Really?"

"Really." He smiles back at me.

The thought of having to say goodbye to him is painful.

"Thanks... I'll just- I'll just take a day for myself if that's okay."

"S-sure, if that's what you need."

I nod. "See you, man."

"See you later, Rigby."

Maybe I will, maybe I won't. All I know is that I can't stand to be around anyone else today.

-

Hours go by, walking around the streets is not clearing my mind but surely hurting my feet. All this time and I'm still convinced that I'm finally done, I want to make everything stop, at least for me.

It's the same feeling I got when Mordecai found about it all and told me I wasn't his friend... if it wasn't because the ship was low on gas, I would have died right there willingly. I was being impulsive, my emotions were intense and suddenly I had no future anymore, but it felt so okay to just let go of life.

And right now I'm not running on emotions and I do have a future, but I'm still in love with the idea of letting go of everything. It doesn't feel like the easy way, it feels like the only way.

Cars pass by so quickly, it would be so easy to just run into them and say goodbye. Sounds painful though, plus I could get someone in trouble... I don't want to do that for my last action ever.

I look up to the buildings, not a nice way to go either to be honest, maybe I'm looking at this in the wrong way. Or maybe I should go back to the park, I really want it to be the last place I see before leaving this world, but I also don't want anyone else to see the scene.

I hear someone cough and it catches my attention, ah, the drugstore.

The drugstore.

Such a typical way to go, sleeping pills. I always thought it was just so stupid to die like that, but I feel like I haven't even finished the thought when I'm already paying for pills and some water.

I guess it's done, I made my decision.

I walk back to the park but stay away from the house, I don't want anyone knowing that I'm already here. I'm so thankful this place is so huge.

I sit next to a tree and stay in there remembering everything that made life great and bad, I'm just 23 but I've had plenty of experiences already. I look at the park and for the first time I pay attention to the very nice sight, to the fresh air and how great it is ending it all right here.

I should probably leave a message, another typical thing to do when you wanna commit suicide. No letters tho, I'll leave my phone without any password and if they're curious enough, they'll find my note in there.

I start typing and it's like it starts writing itself.

"Hey Mordecai, If you ever get to read this, I'm sorry, I know what I did is terrible. To be honest it feels like I've been apologizing my entire life, but it's in my nature to mess things up, so I had to do it one last time so it could all meet an end.

I just did it because I know you will all be fine, maybe you can't see it now, but not having someone like me holding you back will help you to finally grow and be who you wanna be.

As for the rest, I'm not a big impact in their lives anyway, all I did was get us into trouble, so they'll be fine too.

Thanks for all the good times we spent together, for being my brother, and most importantly, for supporting me no matter how of a piece of shit I was.

You made my life a good life, but reviving what I did to you in college really opened my eyes and showed me who I really am, and I don't think people like me deserve another chance.

Once again I'm sorry, I hope you the best, and I even though we never say these things, I love you. Keep chasing your dreams and don't you dare giving up too, Mordecai.

-Rigby"

Tears roll down my eyes, I can't believe I'm saying goodbye to my best friend. It's like my mind started playing a movie where I can just see both of us having great times together, all those crazy adventures... They are over, it's all really over.

But there's no time to lose, it's already getting late and I don't want anyone finding me before I'm really gone. I pull out the pills and the water out from the bag. I'm scared as fuck, my hands are shaking and my heart is beating as fast as it can. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, I let the pills go in. I'm not even thinking right now, just swallowing a good amount and drinking.

After I'm done my mind keeps replaying my life, I remember how I met Mordecai, growing up in the shadow of my brother, being constantly compared and insulted by my father, ruining college for Mordecai, getting this job, every single crazy thing we've done till now. The park members were my real family, I can see it now.

Everything starts feeling like shit. My stomach starts aching like crazy, my head is spinning, but my entire body is losing mobilization.

To be honest, I thought it would feel less painful, but it is what it is. I close my eyes and let those pills finish the job.

-

Everything's dark, I can notice my breathing and everything feels so heavy. I try to open my eyes but it's too bright, I fight to open them and, as soon as I achieve it, the weight of what just happened hits me.

I failed.

As I always do.