IF IT'S TUESDAY, YOU MUST BE CHRISSY
Pulling himself out of his dream, Jack Tripper reluctantly opened his eyes. For a few moments he tried to hang on to the dream, but then it dissipated like a tiny cloud of vapor.
Time to wake up, anyway. Hopefully, he'll have time for a sweet morning cuddle with his sweet golden-haired wife.
He turned toward her. "Good morning, Chri-"
The words froze on his lips.
He stared. Then gave his eyes a vigorous rub. Then stared again. Nothing had changed.
"What the hell! Janet!"
She opened her eyes. For a moment, she stared back at him, then burst out laughing. " 'What the hell, Janet'? Now, there's a novel way of saying good morning. You are nothing if not original, my love."
"But... but..." he stammered. "I mean, Janet?! Where's Chrissy?"
"Hopefully, at home with her husband. Much as I love Chrissy, I am not sure I want her in our bedroom first thing in the morning." She looked at him with mild concern. "Jack, what's going on? You are being even weirder than usual."
He shook his head vigorously, trying to jump-start his brain. "I am sorry, sweet girl. I didn't mean to cuss at you. I don't know what came over me."
"Bad dream, perhaps? Normally you can't think straight after you've had one of those."
"Yeah, that's what it was!" He sighed with relief. "I wouldn't say bad, though. More like confusing."
"Did you again drink before going to bed? We talked about this, Jack! You always have the silliest dreams after you've been drinking. Well, what was it this time? Don't tell me you were dreaming of sleeping with some other girl." She laughed, then grew sober. "Wait a minute. Why did you ask for Chrissy right after you woke up?"
"Chrissy? Did I ask for Chrissy? I really don't know. Is that what I did?"
"Okay, Jack Tripper, what's going on? Don't tell me you are still fantasizing about Chrissy. I thought you were over that years ago."
"I am over it! I am not fantasizing about anybody! Why would I?"
"You tell me. Okay now, wake all the way up and get moving. We both have places to go, in case you are confused about that, too."
Jack rubbed his face with both hands. "Wait a minute, Janet… It's all coming back to me now! Oh my goodness... I think I dreamed Chrissy and I were married. Sorry, sweet girl! I have no idea why!"
"Well, don't look at me. Wishful thinking, perhaps?"
"No! How could you say that?" he protested hotly. "I swear, I never even – Don't you know how dreams are? Sometimes you see the weirdest – "
"Jack, relax!" She chuckled and touched his face gently. "I am kidding! You don't think I'd be jealous over a stupid dream, do you?"
"I guess not... I mean, of course not! Dreams are stupid."
"Just curious... Was I in that dream? What was I up to while you were enjoying wedded bliss with my best friend?"
"Hang on..." He thought hard. "That's right! You were there! Only you were married to some other guy."
"How interesting! Was he cute? Never mind that. I already have one cute guy to deal with." She turned over and straddled him. "Come to think of it, we do have a little time."
…
Pulling himself out of his dream, Jack Tripper reluctantly opened his eyes. For a few moments he tried to hang on to the dream, but then it dissipated like a tiny cloud of vapor.
Not again! He'd had the strangest dreams second night in a row. It was messing with his brain, even though Janet didn't seem to be too concerned. Well, let's see what she says now.
"You awake, sweet g-" He turned towards her, only to see long golden hair on the pillow next to him.
"Oh no. Chrissy!" he wailed before he could check himself.
"What do you mean, oh no Chrissy?" She didn't sound too pleased. "That's a fine way to say good morning to your wife!"
"Wife? Chrissy, wait… Are you saying we are… married?"
"What kind of question is that?" exclaimed Chrissy indignantly. "Why would I be in bed with you if we weren't married? What kind of girl do you – Wait a minute!" She stopped abruptly and frowned. "That was a weird thing to say. You should know whether we are married or not, shouldn't you, Jack? Oh no." She felt his forehead. "Are you feeling okay, honey? You must be sick or something! At least, you don't seem to have a fever, thank God."
"I am fine, sweetie." He was still trying to process this development. "Chrissy, honey... Do you know where Janet is?"
"Janet? Jack, don't you remember anything? Janet's at home, in New York. Where else would she be? Although it figures. If you can't even remember whether we are married, then what can you remember?"
"Hang on, honey. New York? New York?"
"Yes, New York! Where she and Philip moved right after their wedding. Jack, you are scaring me. How many fingers am I holding up?"
"One. Right in the middle."
"What?!" Shocked, Chrissy glanced at her hand. "Oh no, you are right... See? You got me so upset I didn't even realize I was doing that! But at least we know you can count to one, even if you aren't making any sense about anything else."
"So far, so good," muttered Jack. He wasn't feeling too relieved in his mind.
"My poor darling!" Chrissy stroked his cheek affectionately. "You just stay in bed and relax. I'll go make you a nice cup of tea and then call Daddy and ask him to pray for you."
...
Pulling himself out of his dream, Jack Tripper reluctantly opened his eyes. For a few moments he tried to hang on to the dream, but then it dissipated like a tiny cloud of vapor.
He lay staring at the ceiling, afraid to turn his head.
His mind worked feverishly. Where was he on the rotation? He needed to be prepared. It was only too easy to get mixed up.
Finally, he nerved himself to look.
He was alone in bed. The bed was a twin. He lay smack in the middle of it.
Jack drew a long, deep breath and willed his body to relax. Just as he was beginning to succeed, the phone on the bedside table began to ring.
He eyed the phone warily as if it were some exotic, potentially deadly creature. Finally, he couldn't stand the suspense.
"Hel-low?" he said trying to sound as ambiguous as possible.
"Jocko! Good to hear your voice, pal! After the stuff you pulled last night, I wasn't sure you'd be up to talking! How about those two chicks, huh? Boy, did we ever – "
"Hang on, Larry," cut in Jack. Larry was at times too exuberant to take before a morning cup of coffee. "Hey, Lar? You are my friend, right?"
"Sure, pal! What do you need? Fifty bucks? Or the fifty bucks I borrowed from you last year?"
"No. I mean, that would be great but not now. I am your friend, right?"
"You are beginning to creep me out but let's go with that," said Larry cautiously. "What of it?"
"I am gonna ask you a question, and I need you to answer it no matter how odd it may sound. Larry – "
"Yes?"
"Larry – "
"Could we move this along, pal? I don't have all day."
"Larry... Where are the girls?"
"Who cares? If I kept tabs on every chick I pick up – "
"Not those girls, Lar. My girls – our girls – Janet and Chrissy."
"That's your question? How would I know? At home, I guess."
At home? That could mean anything.
"Larry! Are they married?"
"Aah..." Larry's passionate sigh told Jack his friend was staring into space with his dreamiest expression in his eyes. "No, Jocko. No such luck."
"Not to each other, you letch!" yelled Jack. "I mean, are they both married?"
"Perhaps you should go easy on the bourbon next time, pal. I've known you to be out of it but this is – "
"Just answer the question, Lar!"
"Of course they are, Jocko! Have you slept all through the past year? Chrissy's living in Fresno with her church boy husband, and Janet, in New York with her antique dealer husband. Anything else I can do for you?"
"So, both of them are married, and neither of them is married to me?"
"I gotta go now, pal. This is deeply disturbing. Do you want me to call an ambulance for you, or can you manage that yourself?"
"No need, Larry. Thank you. You are a true friend."
"Whatever you say, Jocko, just don't get excited," agreed Larry and hung up.
Jack heaved a sigh of relief.
He knew this wouldn't last. But today, at least, he finally had a welcome respite. All this switching between universes sure took its toll on a fella.
October 8, 2021