Chapter 1: The Unraveling of her World
"What have I done?" Hermione sat on the floor of her bedroom in tears. She had ended her relationship, she had pretty much forced her parents to hate her. She caused Harry to leave the country. She failed everyone, but worst of all, she failed herself. Her knees bent up to her chin, she trembled as her world came crashing down around her. She pushed everyone around her away in fear. When her rationalization and logical thought processes failed to give her answers to her emotions, she lashed out. For the first time since she was 10, she felt truly and utterly alone.
She looked around her room and felt emptiness. The bed she shared with Ron made her feel the worst. Her last fight still fresh in her mind. She had finally pushed the last person away. She told him the truth, but so very poorly she admitted. She had lost her parents first. She lost Harry next. That hurt the most which really was the final straw. She left Harry hurt when he needed her the most. The haunted look in his eyes as she apparated away still gave her nightmares. It was the same look he had at the final battle. When he was going to give it all up to die for everyone else. The fact that she caused that look of utter defeat gave her nightmares for weeks. She could never forgive herself for it. By the time she went back the next day to apologize, she landed in an empty Grimauld place. His bedroom was emptied out. No bed, no clothes, not even a speck of dust. He left. He left and no one knew where he was. She then began thinking over her final fight with Ron again.
"I'm home!" Hermione sighed as she heard Ron's voice. She couldn't take it anymore. She had been lying to him for too long. It wasn't fair to him, and it wasn't fair to live a lie. She closed her eyes as she decided to finally come clean.
Ron walked into the kitchen and went straight for a drink. Hermione stayed quiet as she stared at the cup of tea in her hands. The warmth the only thing keeping her hands from shaking.
"Hermione? You ok?" Ron asked he sat across from her. His eyebrows furrowed as the look of concern etched his face.
Hermione took a deep breath before starting what she knew would be a disaster from the beginning.
"Ron, I need to tell you something." Her slight shiver and frown on her face told Ron this was not going to be something he liked to hear. He urged her to continue. "Alright. What is it?"
"I need to leave you." Silence hung between them for a few seconds before Ron finally got his voice back.
"what do you mean need to leave me? As in leave for a vacation, or leave as in break up with me?"
"Break up with you." Her voice soft but resolute. It was not a maybe he realized. There was no guess work. He stared back at her as she still stared at her hands. "And why is that?" Ron asked getting frustrated as she didn't explain herself. He tried to hold his anger in check. He wasn't 12 anymore.
"I don't love you" she explained as she finally looked him in the eyes.
Ron couldn't believe what he was hearing. He sat there for what felt like eternity before a lightbulb went off in his head. "You said you don't love me. But, you didn't say you don't love me anymore. Why do I have a feeling that this difference matters."
Hermione cursed internally. That was way too perceptive for Ronald. He has never been that clever. For some reason she felt that was a good thing to point out. "Since when do you pick up on the nuances of my vocabulary Ron?"
Ron blinked a few times trying to figure out what that word meant. "I don't know exactly what you mean, but if you are asking how I picked up on it, blame Luna. She has been at the Burrow a lot lately and she's been telling me to pay attention more. But…" he paused for a second trying to get out what he wanted to know. "did… did you ever actually love me?"
The silence became deafening afterwards. Hermione looked back down avoiding his gaze. She hated that she had to do this. To hurt him. But he deserved honesty at least. She owed it to herself to finally stop living the lie. Everyone deserved to know the truth. She breathed in again looking straight at him. She sat up straight and tried to hold her voice steady.
"No Ronald. I never did love you. I'm so sorry. I never meant for all this to happen. Between my parents, and everything with Harry…"
"Excuse me?! What does Harry have to do with any of this?!" Ron's anger finally cracked. She noticed he held it in remarkably well considering how poorly he used to hold it. It was only a matter of time he blew up. She sighed as she raised her voice a little bit to make sure she was heard. "Nothing Ron. I just mean that after he left because of me, I finally realized I was hurting everyone around me. I needed to tell you the truth. I can't be with you when I don't feel any of those feelings with you. I was not happy. I never was. I was not fair to you, and you deserve to actually find someone who loves you for who you are. I can't be that person for you. I tried so hard, but I can't. You have changed over the years, and in many ways I'm so proud of you, but that's not enough for me. The things you offer, are not what I was looking for. I lied to make it easier for others…"
She stopped as she realized she was about to let out something she absolutely couldn't. that was too far. She watched as Ron paced back and forth barely holding in what he wanted to say. He was mumbling for a second before he whipped back around at her. "What do you mean make it easier for others" he started to raise his voice even more. He was on the verge of a full on blowout. "Why does anyone else matter when it comes to a relationship between us? What are you hiding Hermione? What are you not telling me?"
"Nothing Ron, I told you everything."
"Now you are just lying to me Hermione!" he started to shout. "Everyone knows you are 10 times smarter than me, I never deny that, but I know there's something missing that you aren't telling me. Why did you stop before? Who are these 'others' that caused you to lie to me for 3 years?!"
Ron was breathing heavy now still glaring at Hermione as she still sat in her seat shaking as her own anger started to rise. She really hated being shouted at. It irked her to no end. Hermione remained silent though. Refusing to answer that question, trying to get out of it. When she finally responded, it was with forced calmness that was in stark contrast to the fiery glint in her eyes. "I said nothing Ronald. I'm not going to say it again. I lied about loving you, and I am sorry about that. That is the truth. I hurt you and it was time to stop doing it. Time to stop hurting everyone around me. I need to go to my parents and fix what I broke with them. After that I'm going to find Harry and plead to Merlin that I can bring him back home. Then I'm…" But she was interrupted by an irate Ron.
"Wait wait wait. You said you caused Harry to leave. Do you understand how long my mother wept when she found out?! She cried for days not knowing if she lost another son, and even worst considering she was taking care of teddy half the week while Andromeda is sick. She feels like she lost a son, and a grandson. And now you tell me it's your fault! What did you do to him Hermione? What could you have possibly done to make…" Ron's outburst stopped as he froze in his spot. His breathing slowly returned to normal as he still stared at Hermione. It was starting to all make sense. Hermione's lying, Harry leaving Ginny, and then ultimately leaving everyone for good years later.
"It was Harry wasn't it? He was the one you lied for. Harry loves you. He always said he left Ginny because his heart was somewhere else. But it was not somewhere else. What he really meant was someone else. But what I don't understand is why his feelings made you lie to me? What does it matter that he has feelings for you?"
Hermione slumped back into the chair and dropped her head into her hands. She hated that she was partially the cause for Molly to cry for days. It wasn't right. Molly had been a saint since the war. But this was getting too far off topic. She needed to just end this break up, and start fixing everything else. She sighed as she looked back up at Ron. He had stopped shouting, but she could tell he was only 1 wrong word away from blowing up again.
"Ron, I'm not talking about any of that. This is between you and I. I lied to you because I thought that it would make everyone in your family happy. I thought I could learn to love you eventually. It was foolish. I should never have led you on believing that your feelings were returned when they weren't. I should not have tried to change you into the type of person I was looking for. That is the reason we are breaking up. We aren't for each other. We should spend the night apart and cool down. Tomorrow we can go over how to separate the home and furniture. I can also be the one to tell your family as this is on me."
She hoped this would be the end of the fighting for tonight at least. She really needed to think about everything else that she had to fix without going insane. Ron just stared at her dumbfounded. Then she saw his face start turning red again. Damnit. This is going to end worse than she thought.
"WHAT! Do you think you are going anywhere near my family?! I don't want you near them or me. I can't even believe everything I have heard today. How do you ever expect me to even trust you again. I would never do that to you." She snorted, then she even chuckled a bit. She had truly lost it. "That's rich coming from you!"
"What is that supposed to mean?! I never lied to you!"
"No you didn't lie to me. You did way worse. I may have done awful things, and I am not going to act like I didn't. But don't you dare act like you are the poster child for trust. It took me a long time to trust you."
"What are you even talking about Hermione?! Are you trying to say I deserved this?! Are you sick?"
"No Ronald" she replied calmly again. "I did not say you deserved it. I simply stated that you have done things in the past that are worse than lying. It is not an excuse for what I have done, but please don't say you would never do what I did because you have done just as bad as I have."
Ron stuttered over his next words. She almost thought she got through to him. She was angry. She already felt bad enough for what she's done. But for Ron to act like he's never done anything wrong, just pissed her off. When he finally responded, her walls crumbled. She was not going to hold back anymore. If he wanted to let it out, fine. Her gloves were coming off.
"Oh please Hermione, besides making fun of you for years, I have never done anything to you."
"Is that all Ronald? Really? Teasing me was the worst thing you have done in life? What about the tournament Ron? What about when you went against your best friend? When the whole school was against him and you ignored him two months. Then you didn't even apologize properly. That pathetic excuse you call an apology doesn't count. You didn't even say sorry!"
Ron faltered for a few seconds surprised by the topic. He thought that was just childish acting out. He went back to Harry after the first task. He fought right back though. "Fine you got me there. I acted like a child, but that didn't affect you. That was Harry. I didn't do anything to you."
"YOU LEFT ME IN THE FOREST!" Hermione finally screamed. They had never talked about it since. They still had so much to focus on with the war, she let bygones be bygones. She thought Ron would take it to heart and grow from it, but to realize he completely ignored it like it never happened? That was too much.
Ron stood completely frozen. He felt like the air around him was toxic. He couldn't breathe in for a few seconds. The shock on his face told Hermione everything she needed to know. He really did forget it ever happened. He completely ignored his biggest mistake.
When Ron was finally able to breathe again, he rapidly thought of the words to say. He stumbled trying to come up with some excuse for it. He never thought to think more before he spoke. "That was the Horcrux Hermione. You can't blame me for that. That was Voldermort."
Hermione gasped. The nerve of him to just shrug it off. No, she had enough. She was seconds away from giving him a free trip to St. Mungo's.
"Don't you dare! The Horcrux didn't control you Ronald. It only exacerbated what was inside you. Didn't you ever wonder why it never bothered me half as much? Because it wasn't inside of me to do what you did. The Horcrux only gave you the push to do what you were capable of in the beginning. You always had that in you. You always had jealousy issues. You always had an inferiority complex. As good as a friend you can be at times, your loyalty has always been questionable."
She finally stopped her rant to catch a breath. Ron had no response. He hadn't moved during her whole rant besides to give a face of pure shock. After a minute or two, she gasped again as her own lightbulb went off in her head. "That's it!" She shouted as if she found another homework answer. Ron's look of shock turned in to a questioning glance. She stared at him and spoke clearly so he could understand. She was about to go on a long rant and she wanted him to hear it all.
"Dumbledore knew the whole time. He knew your loyalty was questionable. He made you prefect overriding McGonagall's actual choice for boy prefect. No one in Hogwarts thought you deserved prefect. Your grades were mediocre. You failed to do homework constantly, and your application of magic was abysmal in most classes. You did not inspire others, you didn't help others in anything, and you didn't help the teachers. You really were the definition of lazy and follower at that point. The boys in our year were all average students at best, but you were the worst student in our year. There was no professional reason any teacher, who was sane, would have given you prefect.
"You slacked off the whole year on prefect duties. You barely wanted to do rounds at night. You just made excuses or complained till your shift was over. Harry was supposed to get prefect that year, but after the stunt you pulled during the tournament, Dumbledore threw you a bone so your jealousy wouldn't get the best of you again. Then he gave you the deluminator after he died. You said it yourself; you said Dumbledore must have given it to you because he knew you would need to find us again. He knew you would probably leave at some point. He knew the whole time you were not the greatest friend in the world. He knew the whole time…"
'And I missed it.' She thought to herself bitterly. For all her studying, she failed the test that was right in front of her. She knew she didn't love Ron since the beginning. Yet because of her own cowardice after the war, when everyone told her what was right in front of her, she thought she could teach Ron to be the boyfriend she wanted. It was her dumbest mistake ever.
Complete silence radiated in their flat for minutes. Ron had no words. Hermione was defeated. She felt even worse now. At first she just thought she didn't love Ron but that he was so deserving of what he wanted. But now she realized she didn't love him and even an old headmaster who was busy in his own machinations saw through Ron. He never did grow up. His jealousy was still there. He always felt like he had to be a better person than Harry.
He may have controlled his anger more, and he grew more perceptive, but he was still Ron. He never answered for what he did. He ignored his faults and blamed others. 'And I'm the fool who let this all go. I ignored what was all in front of me'. She had to get away from him. She was so much angrier at herself now. Her lying to Ron was one thing. But to realize how badly she played herself was just too much.
"You should go Ron. I have nothing else to say right now. I'm sorry I let this go on for so long. Go to the Burrow and we'll finish separating our things tomorrow. Neither of us work tomorrow so come back after lunch." She stood up and left Ron still standing speechless in the kitchen. She went to the bedroom and closed the door. She waited 30 seconds before she heard the floo go off and it was completely silent again. She dropped to the floor against the door and cried.