Fire.
Olivia could feel the heat rising in her body. Tiny little pinpricks of fire entering through her feet and climbing until they reached her neck, turning her skin a deep shade of pink. People swarmed the room around her, but they were only a blur in her peripheral and she stared at the blank wall, waiting for her name to be called. The fire had reached her mouth and she struggled to swallow. What was taking the doctor so long? She averted her eyes to the clock. The minutes passed, but life seemed to stay still.
"Benson."
Suddenly the fire was hosed out and for a brief moment, she felt sweet relief. She gathered her bag on her shoulder and followed the doctor to the other side of the wall. It was funny – funny how once you walk behind the wall of a doctor's office your life can change forever. It was like entering an alternate universe where everything you thought you knew was only just a dream.
A woman whom Olivia had only met once before smiled and gestured to the empty chair in a private room. "Please, have a seat." She felt the fire return. "How are you doing, Olivia?"
Olivia wanted to laugh, but she managed to keep it to herself. "I'm hoping you can tell me."
Dr. Prescott offered her a gentle smile. She looked down at the laptop in front of her and started typing. Olivia liked Dr. Prescott well enough – she was a younger woman, younger than Olivia, with golden hair and eyes that told a million stories. She sat with confidence, typing swiftly on her keyboard to pull up Olivia's results. Olivia wondered how many times Dr. Prescott had delivered bad news to someone.
"Are you sure there's no one you want here with you?" They had discussed it last time at Olivia's initial appointment. Dr. Prescott warned Olivia that good news or bad news, it might be best to bring a support system with her.
The fire inside her grew warmer. Of course there was someone she wanted with her. If her life were that simple, he would be sitting next to her, holding her hand, assuring her that no matter what, he was there for her. But life had never been that kind to her. She knew better than to think that Elliot's return would lead to anything but utter chaos and constant hurt on her part. With Kathy gone and Elliot's emotions just as unstable as ever, not to mention his decade of silence, she was as confused as ever.
"I'm sure," she whispered, tossing her thoughts of Elliot into the fire and letting them burn.
Dr. Prescott nodded before closing her laptop and looking at Olivia. Olivia could see the sympathy written all over her face and knew that Dr. Prescott was going to be the match to the flames already inside her. "The results from your bone marrow aspiration came back showing a decreased white blood cell count, twelve percent promyelocytes, and five percent blasts. You have leukemia."
Everything stopped. The ticking of the clock on the wall, the sounds of the city out on the streets, the fire inside of her – still.
"It's a very rare form of leukemia, but there are treatments available."
"Leukemia." The words felt foreign on her lips. Leukemia. Cancer. She had cancer.
"I've developed a treatment plan, but if you need a few minutes, we can wait." Dr. Prescott had these conversations multiple times a day and they never got easier. Seeing the hope drain from her patient's bodies as they heard the life altering news was the stuff of her nightmares.
"What's the plan?" Olivia asked, stoic as always.
"The first phase is the induction phase. I would like to start you on a non-chemotherapy medication called all-trans-retinoic acid, or ATRA for short, in addition to another non-chemo drug called Arsenic trioxide or ATO. These are pills you would take in the morning with breakfast. After four weeks of this treatment, we will perform another bone marrow biopsy and reassess."
Olivia was surprised as Dr. Prescott talked about her treatment plan. She had prepared herself to hear the words 'chemotherapy.' She assumed that all cancers were treated with chemotherapy. Maybe this would mean she wouldn't lose her hair – at least that was a small thread of hope she could cling onto. "Are there side effects?"
Dr. Prescott nodded. "As with all medications, unfortunately, there are some side effects. With both medications you might experience headaches, bone pain, chills, nausea and vomiting, mouth sores, flu-like symptoms, and joint pain. Those are some of the most common ones."
"When do I start?"
"Olivia… can I be frank with you for a minute?"
Olivia was a bit surprised at the question. Dr. Prescott had just told her she had leukemia and that wasn't being frank? "Yes?"
"While we are not planning chemotherapy for your induction phase, the medications you'll be taking still have severe side effects. They are very similar to chemotherapy drugs. You will not be able to work, and people in this city know that Olivia Benson doesn't like to take orders, but I'm telling you as your doctor, and as a friend, that you need the time off. You are going to need someone to help you take care of yourself and Noah."
For the first time since Olivia thought she might have cancer, she felt the tears well in her eyes. Noah. Cancer. How was she going to tell Noah? How was she going to take care of him when she would barely be able to take care of herself? What would happen to Noah if God forbid her treatment failed and she died? She didn't have a plan. She didn't have anyone to take care of Noah. She felt stupid. How could she have thought she could raise Noah at her age? How could she have put him in a situation where he would be abandoned by another parent? Maybe Rollins would be willing to take him, but asking Rollins wasn't fair. None of this was fair. Her mind was racing with more questions and with each question more tears glided down her cheeks.
"Noah's so young," Olivia whispered after several moments of silence. "And he deserves so much. I don't want to scare him."
"From the stories you tell me," Dr. Prescott said, "he's a smart kid. He'll have questions, maybe lots of them, but all children do. He'll be upset that you're sick and he won't be able to help, but children are resilient. Sometimes they can help us be resilient too."
"Maybe I can ask someone to help with Noah. Maybe…" she was going to say one of her friends, but she didn't have many friends. All her friends were her colleagues and if she was gone, they would be tackling on a lot more work. Besides, it wasn't fair of her to ask them for help, either.
Suddenly, like magic was real and the universe made the stars align, Olivia's phone started vibrating in her bag. She glanced over and Elliot's name and picture lit up the screen. She knew she had to tell him. She knew he would want to help. She knew it was going to be messy and uncomfortable, but this was about Noah. Elliot was a good father and she knew that he would be thrilled to spend more time with Noah. Besides, Noah was very popular among the Stabler kids.
"When do I start?"
"I'll put in an order through your pharmacy today and they should be ready for pick-up tomorrow. The instructions will be included and if you have any questions you have my number. You can call me at any time. I'll also ask that you keep a journal of any symptoms that you experience so we can discuss them at your next appointment. Most of the symptoms can be managed with other meds, but I won't know what to prescribe you until the symptoms appear because everyone's different."
"Okay," Olivia nodded. "Okay." Because what else could she be?
XXX
Stepping out of the hospital and into the cool autumn air felt like heaven on Olivia's skin. She was sure she was going to boil alive inside, but now with the gentle wind blowing against her, she felt a bit better. She was on her way to meet Elliot at their favorite diner for lunch. She had listened to his voicemail as soon as she left Dr. Prescott's office and he was asking questions about a case they had been consulting on. She called him back and asked if he could meet for lunch, where he happily agreed. She didn't know how she was going to tell him yet, but maybe scrambled eggs and a slice of toast would help. She laughed at herself as she turned the corner. How could she be thinking about food after the news she had received?
Nearing the diner, Olivia could see that Elliot was already seated in a booth by the window. He waved as she walked by and smiled when she sat down across from him. "So, about the case. I was thinking…"
"Actually," Olivia interrupted him, "Before we talk about the case, there's something I need to tell you."
Elliot leaned back against the booth and eyes Olivia with concern. Even though he had spent years away from Olivia he could still read her like the back of his hand. "What's wrong?"
Olivia didn't hear him. "Because if I don't tell you now, I might not ever tell you. And even though I'm telling you, that doesn't mean I want anything from you. I'm just telling you because…"
"Liv."
Olivia looked up from the table and into his eyes. Concern written all over his face. God damn those blue eyes that could make her feel like a teenager in an instant. She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, never breaking eye contact. "I have cancer," she finally said. "Leukemia. We caught it at an early stage, but I start treatment in a few days."