A/N: Well. I've wanted to write a high school SVU story for a while and I was listening to music the other day and this came up. I was originally going to write it in the present day but I think this works much better.
A few things to remember:
1.) This is set in like the early to mid 90s, which I know would not have been when they were in high school, but if I'm playing with the timeline anyway, might as well go full-tilt because that's how I was picturing this (why? I have no idea).
2.) I've altered the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Betty" for this, and they're actually part of the story so if you want the full context, read the lyrics too.
3.) You know I don't own anything. Hopefully Taylor Swift approves of the lyrical changes since she is a big SVU fan.
4.) I love reviews! I've definitely been stalking everybody's stories and commenting as a guest because I'm too lazy to log in on my phone.
Now... on with the show.
"Don't throw it away. Please read it."
The words are on the back of the envelope that slipped to the floor, out of her locker when she opened it at the end of the day to grab her coat and her books. Her name is on the front written in that familiar thick, slanted scrawl that she didn't want to see today.
She didn't want to think about him. About them.
She shoved the envelope into the pocket of her sweater and planned to throw it away when she got home. She had a party to plan.
Olivia looked in the mirror one last time. Her hair fell in perfect waves across her shoulders, and her silver dress hugged her curves and matched her strappy heels perfectly.
She couldn't believe her luck that the first fall weekend of the school year her mother was going to be away at a literary professor's conference and she'd have the house to herself. Olivia was determined to make her sophomore year better than her freshman year had been. She'd mostly kept to herself until the guidance counselor called her in for a meeting and said she had to pick a club or activity. If she didn't pick he was going to pick one for her.
She'd ended up in the Forensics club, which unfortunately had nothing to do with crime-solving and everything to do with public speaking. But she'd made friends with three boys, all in different grades that became her clique. They couldn't have been more different, like a mini Breakfast Club.
John Munch was a senior. He was obsessed with conspiracy theories and his hair was already greying at 18. He insisted they all call him JM, hoping a nickname would make him more popular with the girls. It didn't.
Fin was a sophomore who only went to their school because he got kicked out of the Bronx for a narcotics bust. He claims the drugs weren't his, and they believed him, but the principal at his last school didn't.
Then there was Elliot. She hadn't expected to get so close to him, but he'd become her best friend. He was a junior and on the track team. And the reason they got along so well was that both of their home lives sucked.
But she didn't want to think about him tonight. Not after everything that happened this summer.
She pulled her cardigan out of the closet to put over her dress—because the September chill was hitting the New York air—when the letter from earlier fell out. She didn't really want to read it, but her curiosity got the better of her, and she sat down on her bed and slowly slid the notebook paper from the envelope.
Livvy I won't make assumptions
About why you switched your homeroom
But I think it's 'cause of me
Last Monday:
Elliot walked into homeroom Monday morning after a particularly tough weekend. His dad was in prime form, slamming doors. Slamming his kids into doors. His mother was in one of her depressive moods, locked in the back bedroom and sobbing at all hours of the day and night.
On top of the fact that Friday night at the football game, Olivia found out what, or rather who, he'd been doing all summer while she'd been away in Oregon with her mother on some kind of writers' retreat. One she hadn't wanted to go on in the first place.
"Why would I want to go to Oregon to sit around in a cabin and do nothing while my Mom works and then comes back at night and drinks?" she'd asked him as they sat out on their favorite pier the night before she left. "I'd much rather stay here and bum around with you and the guys."
"You're not going to miss anything," he'd said. "John and I'll be working and Fin has that community service. I'd offer to let you stay with us but with my dad and all…"
"I get it," she said quickly so he didn't have to finish. "I just don't want to spend three months in the middle of nowhere with her."
"Three months will fly," he said. "And everything will be just the same when you get back."
All weekend he'd tried to tell himself that she had no reason to be jealous, and he had no reason to feel guilty. It wasn't like Olivia was his girlfriend or anything.
He started to get a little worried when she didn't call him on Sunday afternoon, right after church. It was their scheduled time to talk on the weekends if they weren't getting together. Her mom usually slept off a hangover until one or two and his dad napped after church before the football game so nobody forced them off the phone.
He swung by her favorite coffee shop before school, got her a drink and a donut to smooth things over, but when he walked in the room, she wasn't there. Fin had his head on the desk, practically dead to the world and jumped when Elliot tapped him on the shoulder.
"Where's Liv?" he asked, putting her supplies on her usual desk.
"Moved to the AP English homeroom," Fin mumbled.
"What?" Elliot said. "Why?"
"Dunno," Fin answered. "Leave me alone, I need to sleep before first period."
He grabbed her treats and asked for the hall pass from his teacher. He hustled across the building to find her new homeroom. The door was shut so he knocked. Mr. Cragan, the AP English teacher, opened it.
"Can I help you, son?" he asked.
"Um, yeah, is Olivia Benson in there?" Elliot asked. "I need to talk to her."
"Homeroom isn't for chitchatting," Cragan said. "You can see your friend at lunch."
"Can you at least give her this?" Elliot asked, holding out the cup and the bag.
"We don't eat breakfast in my homeroom, sorry," Cragan said before shutting the door.
Elliot tried to catch a glimpse of Olivia before it shut completely, but he didn't see her at all.
Livvy, one time I was riding on my skateboard
When I passed your house
It's like I couldn't breathe
Earlier That Summer:
Liv hadn't even been gone an entire month yet and somehow he'd found a way to screw things up.
If she'd been here… then he wouldn't… and they wouldn't.
He couldn't even let himself finish a full sentence. He'd been out of the house all day. His dad got shot at work last week and was on two weeks mandatory leave. Elliot couldn't take it anymore, so he grabbed his skateboard and just… left. He didn't know where he was going until he was rolling down Olivia's sidewalk.
He hopped off at her mailbox and just stared at the building. He knew no one was home. He also knew he was rarely welcome there. Her mother had a lot of rules, and her daughter bringing a teenage boy in was on the "don't" list. But somehow just being here, he felt closer to her.
Until he remembered what he'd done, then he suddenly couldn't get enough oxygen in his lungs, so he hopped on the skateboard and rolled away.
You heard the rumors from JM
You can't believe a word he says
Most times, but this time it was true
One Week Ago:
Olivia and JM were crammed onto one of the cold metal bleachers at the football stadium. Fin didn't have any use for organized sports, plus he had a longer commute home so he opted to skip the game. Elliot had a "Mom Thing" as he called it, but when she called him from the payphone he said he'd be there soon.
A few girls from her math class were trotting up the stairs looking for a place to sit. She didn't know them too well, just in name, but they seemed nice enough. Not that Olivia was the paint your nails, braid each other's hair, have a sleepover kind like them, but they could be worse. Plus, they were a year older than her, since Olivia was in advanced math. Most of the other kids in the class didn't pay any attention to her since she was younger, but these girls at least smiled at her when she walked in the room.
"Hi Olivia," Kathy Flannagan waved, pushing her long blonde hair over her shoulder.
"Hey Kathy," Olivia said, smiling back at her.
"What did you think of that Geometry test today? I thought it was killer," Kathy said, hanging around at the end of the row.
"Oh, definitely," Olivia answered. "I don't understand proofs at all."
"Do you have room for four more in your row?" Kathy asked. "We're having a hard time finding seats."
Olivia looked around. There was enough room for Elliot to squeeze in next to her when he got there but definitely not room for four more girls who probably wouldn't sit still or even watch the game most of the night.
"Doesn't look like we have room for that many," Olivia said. "But maybe next week we can all sit together."
"Sounds fun," Kathy said as her friends started climbing higher in the stands. "See you in class!"
Olivia was feeling a little proud of herself for at least trying to talk to other girls at school. She'd never had much luck with female friends. But maybe this year would be different. Kathy seemed nice, and while she and Olivia were very different people, she could see them becoming at least casual friends in some respect.
"You're a better actress than I thought," JM said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.
"Being nice to Kathy Flannagan when you probably want to claw her eyes out."
JM said a lot of weird stuff, but this was by far one of the strangest things he'd ever said.
"What are you talking about?" Olivia asked. "She's in my Geometry class and seems nice enough. Why would I hate her?"
"Because she slept with Elliot," JM said.
The noise around Olivia faded to some kind of weird din. She was sure she hadn't heard him right. He didn't say "slept with." Of course not. He said "met with," or "sat with." Neither of those combinations made any sense either. She realized it had been too long since she'd said anything in reply.
"What would I care who Elliot does or doesn't sleep with?" She asked.
"Well you two are practically conjoined twins at this point," Munch said. "Figured there was a little more to it than just friendship."
"Elliot is my best friend," she said. "That's all. And I don't care who he sleeps with. But he didn't sleep with Kathy Flannagan."
"Yeah, he did," JM said. "All summer. They were kind of the talk of the town."
"You must have heard wrong, John," she said.
He peered at her over his glasses but didn't say anything. At the same time, she saw Elliot jogging down the track. She'd just ask him about it when he got to the seats. JM had to have gotten it wrong, like always.
He was climbing the bleachers to meet them when someone in the next section called his name. It was Kathy. She was about six rows in front of them now, obviously finding a seat, and Elliot stopped to talk to her. Olivia couldn't pull her eyes away, and when she saw how Elliot brushed a stray piece of something from her coat and then cupped her shoulder, she knew JM wasn't making it up. Elliot didn't get that close to anyone. Well, except her.
"I'm going to go get a hot dog," JM said, standing. "You want anything."
Olivia's stomach was in knots, so she declined. She quickly looked away from Elliot and Kathy but did see JM point out their seats to him in her peripheral vision. When he settled in next to her she couldn't even speak.
"Something wrong, Liv?" he asked.
She couldn't even look into his face.
"You slept with her, didn't you?" Liv whispered, looking at her hands. But she knew Elliot heard her. And his silence spoke a lot louder than any words he could have said. When she finally looked into his eyes there was guilt etched in them and she got her answers.
"I'm gonna go," she said, standing up and stepping over him to get to the aisle.
"Liv, just, wait," Elliot said, but she was already partway down the steps, praying for her feet to take her as far away as possible without her tennis shoes slipping on the metal and landing her on her butt in front of the entire school. When she finally hit rubber, she bolted faster than she'd ever run in her life and barely made it to the garbage can outside the stadium fence before she deposited the entire contents of her stomach.
The worst thing that I ever did
Was what I did to you
Olivia had spent the entire weekend and all last week trying to understand why she cared so much. So Elliot slept with Kathy. So what? She and Elliot weren't dating. But the thought of him touching her, kissing her, it made Olivia's stomach retch.
Olivia figured it was jealousy. She was upset that her best friend had found someone and she was still alone. But if it was just a little jealousy, why did a few tears escape every time she pictured his face at the football game?
But if I just showed up at your party
Would you have me? Would you want me?
Would you tell me to go f**k myself
Or lead me to the garden?
Last Tuesday:
"I'm going out of town next weekend," Serena Benson announced after her third-or was it her fourth?-glass of vodka for the night. Olivia didn't particularly care where she was going or why. She was looking forward to a quiet weekend alone, maybe to do her laundry just the way she liked it or watch bad TV for hours. She could invite the guys over and they could have Chinese food and play board games.
But then Olivia thought of having to be in the same room as Elliot and her chest felt a little tighter.
Or she could have a party. A big party and invite all these kids from school to fill her normally empty, silent house with laughter, and music, and drunk high school kids who thought they were so mature.
Yes, a party would be better.
She knew better than to pass out paper invitations, lest her plans got back to her mother. So she started a word of mouth chain with one of the chattiest girls in her grade. She knew Elliot might hear about it, but hoped he'd have the sense not to show up.
In the garden, would you trust me
If I told you it was just a summer thing?
I'm only seventeen
I don't know anything, but I know I miss you
Could she trust him? She thought she could.
He knew her secrets. Knew her better than anyone else. It's why they were so close. They trusted each other to see the broken parts of their homes and families and to still be there.
She relied on it. She counted on him to be the one person who wouldn't lie to her. The one person who wouldn't hurt her.
She's kept trying to remind herself that he didn't hurt her. She didn't have a claim on him. He was free to love perky blondes with perfect home lives and stable mothers who didn't drink themselves into comas because they were raped. He was free to touch shoulders, and brush off lint, and put his hands and other body parts on whomever he pleased.
He just wasn't allowed to lie to her about it
Livvy I know where it all went wrong
Your favorite song was playing
From the far side of the gym
Last Spring:
It was the last dance of the school year, and despite her mother's protests, Olivia was going.
"Dressing like a whore and shaking your ass at some dance is the fastest way to turn out just like me," her mother yelled as she pulled the door shut. Elliot was standing on the other side wearing dark jeans and a polo shirt that matched her blue dress. In his hand he had a single pink daisy.
"Didn't know if you'd really want a full corsage so," Elliot said, holding the flower out to her.
"You really plucked this out of someone's yard on the way here didn't you?" she asked and he laughed out loud.
She threaded the daisy through the buttonhole of her clutch and climbed into the passenger seat of the car.
"How'd you get your dad to let you use the car?" she asked as he started the engine.
"He's on duty all weekend so he's got the squad. And mom doesn't know I took it."
"Clever," she said as he headed for school.
The spring dance was in the gym and it was just as cheesy, and fun, as she imagined. Fin spent most of the night talking and flirting with a girl named Phoebe who was in his grade. JM spent most of his night standing by the punch bowl talking to the chaperones. Liv and Elliot had been in and out, but he'd gone to the bathroom about 45 minutes ago and hadn't come back.
He was standing out in the darkened hallway by himself. He wasn't having a panic attack exactly, but he never did well in crowds. His dad had always taught him there was danger in large numbers and even now he can't shake the feeling that he has to be on high alert watching every one of his idiot schoolmates for threats.
The evening had been going well. He and Olivia had been making fun of people like George Huang, who had no rhythm but was on the dance floor for every song. She'd gone out for a few fast songs with some girls from her biology class, Amanda, Casey, Alex, and Melinda. Overall he'd been having a good time, but being social was overwhelming.
He heard the opening notes of Celine Dion's "To Love You More," and he knew he should probably go back in. That'd been Liv's favorite song for a few months. She'd turn it up on the radio, or walkman, or CD any time it came on. He knew she'd probably like to dance to it.
I was nowhere to be found
I hate the crowds, you know that
Plus, I saw you dance with him
Still Last Spring:
Olivia couldn't believe they were playing her favorite song. Sure, it wasn't like it was anything obscure, but it wasn't your garden variety slow song they played at every event.
She looked around for Elliot once more. She knew he hated crowds and had probably escaped for a little alone time, but she wished he was here right now. Not that he'd ask her to dance, but they could at least jokingly sing the song to each other, completely off key, while everyone else danced.
But there was no sign of Elliot, and Brian Cassidy, a kid from her fifth period study hall, was walking her way.
"Hey Olivia," Brian said. "I was wondering if you'd like to dance?"
She looked around the room once more, but there was still no sign of Elliot.
"Sure, Brian," she said. "Thanks for asking."
She took his outstretched hand and they moved to the floor, getting swallowed into the crush. She never saw Elliot come back in, but he saw her pressed up against Cassidy like her life depended on it.
Of course it had to be Cassidy. Elliot hated him from the moment he laid eyes on the kid the first day of track practice. He was so eager to please, yet sullen and sulky when he didn't get his own way. Plus, he'd made a few comments about the "hottest girl in study hall with the great rack" a few times in the locker room. Elliot didn't think much of it until one day he walked Liv to her study hall and saw Cassidy inside trying to balance a pencil on his upper lip.
The next time he tried to make the wisecrack, Elliot shoved him up against a locker and told him if he ever wanted to get laid he might try having a little more respect for women.
"Geeze, man," Cassidy had said. "Is she your sister or something?"
"She's my best friend," Elliot said through gritted teeth. "And if you so much as breathe on her I'll pound you to a pulp so hard they won't even be able to identify you with dental records."
He thought about going over and ripping Cassidy's intestines out through his nostrils, but he looked at Liv, who seemed to be enjoying herself. She seemed to like Cassidy's hands getting dangerously close to her ass, and she was laughing loudly at something he said.
And that filled Elliot with more rage than he thought possible. He didn't stop to think about why it bothered him so much. He was just ready for the night to end.
When the song ended he stalked over to the couple.
"Time to go," Elliot said in almost a growl, pulling the keys from his pocket.
"Maybe she doesn't want to go," Cassidy said with a smirk.
"You stay out of this," Elliot said before turning to Liv. "Leaving. Now. Let's go."
She didn't question him but thanked Brian for the dance.
"Hey, if he's ready to go I can take you home later. My brother's picking me up at 11:30," he said to Olivia. Elliot didn't give her the time to reply.
"She came with me. She's leaving with me," Elliot said. "And we're leaving now."
Olivia threw Brian an apologetic smile and followed Elliot out of the gym to the car.
"God, El," she said. "You were one step away from peeing all over me like a dog marking his territory."
"Well, Cassidy's a dick," he said, slamming her door shut and climbing into the driver's seat.
"It was just a dance," she said. "He's a nice guy. And I could have gone home with him if you were ready to leave."
"Yeah, I wasn't really going to leave you there so the two of you could sneak under the bleachers and he could put his hands down your dress," Elliot said.
She gasped, then grit her teeth.
"What do you care?" she said. "I can give whoever I want permission to put their hands wherever I want them to go and it's none of your business."
"You let a guy like Cassidy do it and you'll end up like your mother," he said, regretting the words before they were even fully out of his mouth.
She was so shocked she couldn't even speak to him the rest of the ride home.
When they got back to her house, Olivia tried to leave quickly but she had too much junk-her clutch and shoes, and wrap-to make a swift exit. He put his hand on her bicep to stop her.
"Liv, I shouldn't have said that, " he said. "I just really hate Cassidy. He's not just some loveable goofball. He talks about girls in the locker room like they're objects and I just don't want you to get hurt."
"I can take care of myself, Elliot," she said. "I've been doing it for years.
"I know you can," he said. "But as long as I'm around, you don't have to do it alone."
She smiled at that.
"Well, thank you for the head's up," she said. "But next time can you tell me like a normal person instead of going from Bruce Banner to the Hulk in under three seconds?"
"I'll do my best," he said, placing a kiss on her cheek before she stepped out of the car.
The worst thing that I ever did
Was what I did to you
She thought about how he'd been right about Cassidy. They actually went out once after the dance, to a movie, and he had tried to put his hands all over her. It wasn't that she hated it, but she didn't know him well enough for that yet and he sulked when he couldn't do what he wanted.
She'd told Elliot about the date, though not particularly about the wandering hands. Played it off like she and Cassidy just didn't have anything in common.
So Olivia found it rich when he completely neglected to tell her about Kathy at all. Even if he left out the part about them sleeping together. He could have at least had the decency to tell her he'd been seeing someone. Instead, she had to hear it from JM.
And truthfully, she wondered how they'd even met.
I was walking home on broken cobblestones
Just thinking of you when she pulled up like
A figment of my worst intentions
June:
Ten more weeks. Ten more weeks and Olivia would be home, and school would start, and he'd be a senior.
This summer has been straight hell. His father and mother were both somehow worse. The weather had sucked. His job at the construction site left him tired and sore more days than not.
He'd been walking along the cobblestone road near the school thinking he couldn't wait until Olivia got back. Things were always better when she was around. She was calm where he was furious, she was compassionate where he was gruff. She knew what to say to talk him off the ledge and help him make the right decisions.
He hated that he couldn't call her this summer. She'd written him two letters and he'd written her one back so far, but she didn't give him the phone number for the place she was staying. Probably better though. If her mother answered or his dad saw a long-distance call on the bill, they'd both be in for some beatings. He could take it from his father, but the only thing stopping him from confronting her mother was that he knew she'd be upset about it if he did anything.
Lost in thought, he hadn't realized it started to rain. Pour actually. Just another reflection of the fabulous weather they'd been having.
He tried to quicken his pace but it wasn't helping as he sloshed through the puddles so he went back to a normal pace, just as a car pulled up next to him on the side of the road. The driver rolled down the window.
"Hey, do you need a ride?" the girl with long blonde hair asked from behind the wheel.
He was tempted to say "no." He was already drenched and he'd soak her seats, and he wasn't really looking forward to going home anyway.
"I guess so," he said finally, crossing to the passenger side of the car."
She said "El, get in, let's drive"
Those days turned into nights
Slept next to her, but
I dreamt of you all summer long
"You're Elliot Stabler, aren't you?" the girl asked as he settled into the seat.
"Uh, yeah?" he said, confused. "How'd you know?"
"My sister's in your grade, Elizabeth Flannagan," she said.
Elliot knew Liz. She was a nice girl. Pretty quiet, but she'd helped him out in science class a few times when he couldn't understand chemical equations.
"Oh yeah, Liz," he said. "I didn't know she had a sister."
"My name's Kathy," the blonde said. "I'm going to be a junior next year."
"Nice to meet you," he said, never one for small talk.
The rain was letting up and he was trying to figure out where he could tell her to drop him that wasn't his house. But, like she knew she said:
"Hey El, are you cool with just taking a drive with me? I've been a little lonely with all my friends off at camp and vacation. It might just be nice to hang out with someone."
"Sounds great," he said, reclining the seat a little
And the rest of the summer was history you could say. Elliot liked being around Kathy. She made him feel lighter somehow. She didn't know about his family, or the fact that he didn't even have half a plan for what he was going to do after graduation. She didn't care about any of it. She just liked having someone around to hang out with. And he liked that she thought he was just normal. Sure, he was hiding huge parts of himself from her, but it was light, it was easy.
And maybe that's how they'd fallen into sleeping together. They'd gone to the drive-in, and as usual she wasn't ready to go home after so they found an empty parking lot and just went to hang. But they'd ended up in the backseat, both of them acting like it was something they'd done before when neither of them had a clue.
It had been fun, but Elliot would have been lying to himself if he hadn't been picturing someone curvier, with darker hair laying there, calling out his name. He also couldn't help the fact that as they drifted off for a quick nap after it was over, he dreamed of what it would be like when his best friend returned from Oregon, tan from a summer by a lake, no doubt smarter from spending most of her time reading and having brand new things to bicker with him about because she knew more than he ever would.
It wasn't until August that they broke it off. Kathy had a pregnancy scare, which was enough to convince the two of them that, while the summer had been great, they probably weren't a lifelong match, and they probably shouldn't tempt fate again and get two lines instead of one the next time.
Livvy, I'm here on your doorstep
And I planned it out for weeks now
But it's finally sinkin' in
She'd crinkled her nose at those few sentences. What?
She didn't have too much time to think about it because there was a knock on her bedroom door and then Fin poked his head in.
"Hey baby girl, JM and I have almost everything set up and people are starting to come in. You coming down or what?" he said.
She looked up from the note, her eyes a little glossy and Fin recognized it. He crossed the room to sit on the bed and look at what she was reading.
"It's from El," she admitted.
"Didn't think he was the writing love letters type," Fin said.
"It's not a love letter," Olivia said, just a bit too harshly. "It might be an apology letter."
"Listen Liv, this ain't my place but I think you should know, dude's got it bad for you," Fin said.
Her mouth fell open and then she started to shake her head.
"He doesn't," she said.
"No, really Liv," Fin said. "He does."
Livvy, right now is the last time
I can dream about what happens
When you see my face again
"How do you know?" she asked. "Do you and him just sit around and talk about this kind of stuff?"
"I know because I have two eyes and half a brain," Fin said with a snort. "Ya'll got this otherworldly energy around you anytime you're within 100 feet of each other."
"That's not true," she said.
"It is true," Fin said. "And the reason you're denying it so much is because you feel it too, but you don't want to admit it to yourself."
"He doesn't have feelings for me," she said. "If he did then he wouldn't have…"
"Sometimes dudes think with the wrong head, Liv," he said. "Elliot's a kid, and he's a man, and he's gonna screw up. But I don't think he knows how much you really care about him. Just like you seem to be in denial about how much he cares about you."
"But we…"
"Olivia, I'm serious," Fin said. "If ya'll would stop being so stubborn for 15 seconds you'd realize that you want each other bad, and you'd be good for each other."
The only thing I wanna do
Is make it up to you
"I'm not really in the mood to forgive and forget," Olivia said. "Why wouldn't he just tell me?"
"Because he feels guilty, though he'd probably deny that," Fin said. "Just like you're feeling jealous and you'll deny that too."
"I'm not…" she started to say and stopped herself because she was just going to prove his point if she did.
"Maybe just give him the chance to explain," Fin said. "Not that he really deserves it. But, you need to hear it from him. And if shit goes south, you know I'm team Liv forever."
She giggled and hugged Fin.
"I don't know how I got so lucky to have a friend like you," she said.
"Oh I do," Fin said pulling back from the embrace. "Started with Jimmy Demone and stamp bag of heroin."
She laughed more. It felt good to laugh after a long run of tension. She tucked Elliot's letter into her dresser drawer and followed Fin down to the living room. There were about 15 or 20 kids there already. One of the girls was messing with the stereo, trying to get the music started. JM was lecturing two freshmen about the dangers of drinking underage, while he himself was sipping a PBR.
She heard the doorbell ring. She'd told everybody that the party was a walk-in style but maybe somebody forgot. She strode to the door and pulled it open, but she wasn't expecting to see the person standing on the other side.
So I showed up at your party
Yeah, I showed up at your party
Will you have me? Will you love me?
Will you kiss me on the porch
In front of all your stupid friends?
"Hi," Elliot said, scratching the back of his neck. He was trying really hard not to meet her eyes, but, as always, he was drawn to them.
"What are you doing here?" she asked, somewhere between shock and accusation.
"I wanted to talk," he said.
"In case you didn't notice," she said. "I'm having a party."
"I noticed," he said, reaching out for her hand. She stiffened when he grabbed it and tugged her across the threshold slightly, out onto the porch with him. "I just… I needed to talk to you."
He led her over to the railing and they both perched on it.
"I screwed up," he said. "I shouldn't have… but even though I did I should have told… but I just didn't want you to know…"
"El, you're stammering," Olivia said, a little annoyed.
"I know I'm stammering," he said, frustrated. "I'm just really sorry."
"Sorry for what?" she said. "Sorry for doing it? Or sorry for not giving me the courtesy of letting me know?"
"Everything," he said. "I'm sorry it happened. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
"I had to hear it from Munch," she said.
"You shouldn't have had to hear it at all," he said. "Because I shouldn't have done it."
"You can do whatever with whoever," Olivia said, cautiously. "But I thought we didn't keep secrets from one another? You broke my trust, El."
"And I can say sorry over and over again, but I know that won't help," he said. "But I think if I tell you why I didn't tell you in the first place, that could help."
She paused and tilted her head at him. She looked down to see he was still holding her hand.
"And why didn't you tell me?" she asked.
"Because when I was with her, I was wishing I was with you," Elliot said.
Then he dropped her hand, hopped up, and started to pace the porch.
"And how screwed up is that?" he asked. "Because you don't have feelings for me, and I don't have any right to be jealous of how other guys like Brian dickhead Cassidy look at you. And you wouldn't have even cared that I was with Kathy, but I didn't want to have to tell you I was really picturing you because you would have gotten angry and said we couldn't be friends anymore because I was exactly the kind of guy your mother warned you about who can't control himself or keep it in his pants and…"
She couldn't listen to any more so she hopped up and stopped him, mid-pace, by putting her hands on his shoulders.
"You need to take a breath," she said, taking a deep breath of her own, knowing he would follow because they were always so in sync.
When the redness in his ears went down a bit she started to talk.
"Thank you for telling me the truth," she said. "And for the record, who said I don't have feelings for you?"
He cocked his head and an eyebrow at her.
"Not those kinds of feelings though," he said.
"Um, yeah, El. Those same kinds of feelings, among others," she said.
"You're joking," he said.
"Why on earth would I joke about that?" she said.
"I got more than just those kinds of feelings too, Liv," he said, taking a deep breath. "I'm kinda in love with you too."
Olivia heard herself gasp but it didn't register that it came out of her.
"Bet you don't have those feelings too, Benson," he said, trying to play it off.
"I wouldn't spend too much time in the casino there, Stabler, " she said. "Bound to lose quite a bit of money."
Then, she leaned up and kissed him, oblivious to the fact that Fin, JM, and people she barely even knew were peering out the living room windows and cheering.
If you kiss me, will it be just like I dreamed it?
Will it patch your broken wings?
I'm only seventeen, I don't know anything
But I know I miss you
The kiss was better than both of them could have imagined, and they had both been imagining it for some time.
"Can I ever make this up to you?" he asked when they broke apart.
"Yeah," she said. "We'll need to talk about it more. You're going to have to earn my trust back and maybe prove to me you're not going to go hopping into somebody else's bed every time I leave town, but we'll get there."
"Can definitely assure you there will be zero bed-hopping now that I know you're in love with me too," he said.
"Yeah, well, you'll have to prove it," she said with a smirk.
"Well, I better start practicing just how well I can prove it right now," he said, leaning down to kiss her again.
They both knew things weren't perfect, and there were some more difficult conversations they'd need to have, but on a crisp September night, her in her cardigan, them together on that porch, they both knew they could face it head-on and come out stronger on the other side.
Standing in your cardigan
Kissin' in my car again
Stopped at a streetlight
You know I miss you