AUTHOR'S NOTE: Once upon a time, I told myself never to publish stories without finishing them first. Time to break that self-imposed rule. This story will contain strong language and adult themes. It also may not have the ending you want. This story is very cathartic for me right now. Maybe uploading it a little at a time will help keep me on track. Enjoy!

CHAPTER 1

I always thought that secrets were supposed to be romantic. Secrets made someone mysterious, maybe even sexy. When I was younger, I remember wishing I had a secret, like it would give me a pass into some kind of club where cool people hang out. But secrets are just secrets. They aren't romantic or sexy. Sometimes they're just painful.

When Josh proposed to me, of course I said yes. We'd been talking about getting married for months. Our values and paths of life are the same, and we can't wait for our lives to intertwine forever. We love each other, truly.

"Oh my god, that's amazing! How did he propose?" Jenni squeals over the phone.

Regaling the story of the proposal over and over again is boring me. I feel like I've told it seventeen times. I smile though, because I love talking about Josh. "He took us out on a picnic with my family at Forest Park. My parents knew everything of course. It was such a nice day out and he asked if I wanted to go for a walk and watch the leaves fall."

"Did you see the proposal coming?" Jenni interrupts to ask.

I pause, the flow of my story coming to a halt. "Well, kind of, since we'd been talking about getting married for a while now. But at that moment, I didn't see where it was going."

"That's so funny." I don't see what's funny about it, but I let her continue. "Like, it wasn't really a surprise, right? Because you were all talking about it. Like, I think I'd rather be totally caught off guard. Wedding planning can come later. It's so romantic to be surprised, you know? That's what I would like." Silence. How am I supposed to respond to that? She did get that proposal, when she got engaged a few years ago. Jenni's divorced now. "But anyway, then what happened?" Jenni asks, permitting me to continue my story.

"Right." I sigh, trying to hide my irritation. It's always like this with her. "So anyway, we're standing under these beautiful trees and I look up without really thinking about it. Josh told me later that he loved that I did that because he could surprise me better. He starts talking about starting our life together. I hear leaves crunching. Surprised, I look down and he's on one knee with the ring." I smile really big. No matter how often I tell the story, I always end up smiling.

"Aw, how cute!" Jenni almost sounds condescending. "Wait, what did he say about starting your life together? Didn't he have a speech or something?"

"Yeah, but since he surprised me, I don't really remember the speech. I just thought we were talking normally and I looked down and saw the ring."

Jenni laughs. "Oh my god, that's hilarious! This is his big moment and you can't even remember his speech. And you're marrying this guy?"

I laugh along and hope it sounds convincing. She's not the first person to mention how weird it is that I didn't remember the speech. Should I have? Is it that important?

"So, do you like your ring?" Jenni asks when she's stopped laughing.

"I mean, I better like it. I picked it out!" I didn't want to be stuck with a ring I hated that Josh would spend his hard earned money on. We went ring shopping together a few months ago. "It's a sapphire."

"Susie, this engagement is sounding wildly unromantic," Jenni states jokingly. But I know she's not actually joking. "Did he at least buy you flowers? Did anyone bring flowers for the bride-to-be?"

At this point, I want the conversation to be over. "Yeah, my parents brought me flowers as a congratulations. They were hiding them in the car."

"Amazing. Wonderful. I love it." These adjectives didn't fit Jenni's tone at all. Maybe I'm just tired. I feel like I've been on the phone all day. My phone beeps in my ear.

Relieved, I say, "I think Josh is texting me. I should get going."

"Ok," says Jenni, "Next time we get coffee, I want to see that ring. I'm so excited for you!"

"Thanks girly. See you soon." I didn't talk to Jenni very long, but our conversation had dragged on somehow. I didn't want to talk about the ring, or the engagement. I am excited to get married, not engaged. I push the negativity to the back of my mind and read Josh's text.

Hey, can you pick up my prescription at the pharmacy? I forgot to pick it up yesterday and I'm completely out.

I text back No problem honey :) and get ready to leave. Even though I know Jenni's opinion on my engagement doesn't matter, our short exchange weighs on my brain. I guess she struck a nerve without realizing it. Was it really unromantic? It felt romantic in the moment. I love watching the leaves change colors this time of year. I had mentioned my love for fall several times to Josh over the years, so it felt special that he chose to propose that way. I didn't want to cry in front of my family, but I sobbed in the car on our way home. I loved his proposal.

"This is all stupid," I mutter to myself as I start the car. That doesn't scare the thoughts away though, it only makes them stronger.

My love for Josh is something that felt certain, concrete even. But now that the ring is on my finger, I can feel this doubt seeping in. Jenni seemed happier than me about my engagement, which was less than 24 hours ago. Should I still be ecstatic? Is something wrong with me?

I park the car hastily and rush inside the drugstore. The November wind bites through my light jacket.

"Pickup for Joshua Barron, please," I tell the person behind the counter at the pharmacy. He asks for Josh's birthday, and I tell him. I wait while the clerk retrieves Josh's allergy medication. I thank them as the white paper bag is handed over to me.

As I head to the exit, I notice a figure, a man, a few feet away, perusing the drugstore snacks. I happen to look in his direction and my stomach drops. Oh god, is that who I think it is? The blonde mop of hair is a dead giveaway. My heart starts pounding.

I take a deep breath to try to slow my heartbeat, but it doesn't work. I try to keep walking, but I can't seem to move. I contemplate whether I should approach him or just leave. What would he even be doing here? It can't be him.

My few seconds of pause gives the man enough time to turn around. He locks eyes with me immediately, probably because I'm staring at him.

"Susie?" he utters in his smoky voice. "Susie Derkins?" It's Calvin.

Shit.