(A/N): This is a oneshot set just after Jack's line in the office in 24x10, when Nikki walks out and he stares after her. I wondered what would happen if she didn't push his words down quite so quickly and get on with the postmortem, and this oneshot is what resulted from it. All from Nikki's perspective and quite angsty, though it has a happy ending I promise. I own nothing, as always.

Melting the Cold

"I've never been so cold."

Nikki swallowed heavily as she leant against the wall of the locker room, willing the tears to remain at bay. Jack's voice seemed to be replaying on repeat in her head, the icy tone chilling her veins until she felt as cold as he must've with the hypothermia. Freezing her, numbing her. Except for the hot tears welling in her eyes.

"I didn't know what I was doing half the time."

She knew that comment had been aimed at her, at him brushing off the kiss they'd shared, that wonderful, magical kiss, as nothing. As something he clearly regretted, never intended on doing. Not with her, anyway. The numbness spread, ice flowing through her limbs as she slid down the wall to sit on the floor, staring blankly at the opposite wall. That kiss, unexpected though it was, had meant everything to her. Everything. She wouldn't have thrown away eight years of friendship for anything less. But now it was getting harder to recall the warmth, the purity and rightness of the brief moment time had stopped, when her lips had connected to Jack's in the back of that taxi. Harder to recall the fluttering in her stomach and the pressure of his lips on hers when all she could see was the cold hurt that covered his features now.

She'd ruined everything.

Of course, she knew sleeping with Ollie was a mistake. Something completely out of character for her. It wasn't an excuse, for she wasn't trying to minimise the blame she held herself in, but she was very drunk that night. Whatever part of her brain told her she could party like she was a student again and not have to deal with the consequences was a definite liar. She'd not known what she was doing half the time, that was true enough. A mistake nonetheless. A mistake she never had any intention of repeating either. But Jack…

Jack. Even the name hurt her heart, the one ache that had her know she was still alive, that she hadn't frozen to death on the floor of the locker room with no one to look for her, no one to care if she was still there or not. The only person she'd had left in this world was Jack, after all. And she'd just irrevocably ruined that. From one drunken mistake.

Theoretically, she could've blamed the alcohol as a reason she'd kissed Jack as well, as her hangover had definitely kicked in at that point. But she wouldn't. If she was owning up to everything, then she would admit, even if only to herself, that she knew exactly what she was doing when her lips had first connected with the corner of his mouth. He was alive and there and all she'd known was that she couldn't let him go, couldn't lose him. He was all she had, all she cared about, all she… loved.

Nikki bit back a sob as the pain in her chest increased, the rest of her still frozen against the wall and floor of the locker room. Broken, like a discarded rag doll. Of course. She'd just worked out that she was in love with her best friend, minutes after everything had so spectacularly fallen apart. What brilliant timing. Looking back, she could see that she'd gradually fallen in love with Jack a long time ago, before Mexico even. Mexico had simply brought those feelings to the fore, at least for her. She'd been all ready to catch hold of him and never let him go again, to tell him everything she'd said and figured out inside her little wooden coffin under the ground, only to find him different as soon as they were back, ignoring her calls and refusing to see her. It had hurt her, but she knew he was hurting, and she'd buried those feelings as deeply as she could, meeting Matt not that long after.

Matt. The pain took a backseat as she pondered her ex-boyfriend. He'd been what she'd needed at the time, someone not a part of the craziness that was her life, and honestly, her work was her life. But after a while, he'd been like a security blanket, keeping a barrier between herself and Jack. A safe barrier that prevented their less than platonic feelings from ever taking hold. And it had worked, for a while, even though she'd known deep down she should have ended things with him well before Thomas' death.

Unfortunately though, she couldn't live in denial forever. Jack's conversation with her when he'd found out Ryan really was Cara's father had broken her out of that denial, had thrown forward into the spotlight everything she'd tried so hard to bury. The looks, the flirting, the compassion, the passion, the tenderness, the love. She'd gone straight home and called Matt, ending things with him for good before meeting Jack for karaoke. He'd been expecting it, they both had really, just waiting for the other to be brave enough to make that move and end things. All amicable and friendly, tied off neatly with a bow. Clean break.

Sometimes she forgot Jack wasn't actually telepathic. He read her mind so easily, finished her sentences, knew where she was going to be before she did. She really had thought she'd told him about Matt, but after karaoke, when he'd dropped her off at her door and simply smiled goodnight, she'd realised that this was the one time he hadn't read her, hadn't noticed the difference in her. Intending to tell him after her teaching session the following day hadn't worked, as the find within the body had kickstarted the whole case, and they'd barely found time to breathe, let alone for her to tell him she'd broken up with Matt.

And then she'd gotten scared. Terrified, really. Jack had been the one to push her to be with Matt in the first place, to call her out on her fear of commitment and to challenge her to find that with someone, someone that wasn't him. She'd only agreed to that first date with Matt because of Jack and his very obvious 'go for it' signals. So, how was she supposed to convince her best friend she was ready for commitment with him when she'd just ended the longest commitment she'd ever had? Hell, even her marriage hadn't lasted as long as Matt had. Not that Jack knew about that either. She tended to mention her previous relationships as little as possible to him.

Nikki tipped her head back against the wall wearily, the only motion she still had the energy for. Every ounce of spark had left her body, leaving her in a heap on the floor. Jack had heard the voicemail, had heard that she'd been in someone else's bed that night. But he hadn't connected the voicemail to the fact that she clearly hadn't gone back to bed if she'd been with Steve at first light wading through thigh high water to reach him at the care home. She'd phoned Steve and gotten all the information she could before exiting the bathroom and finding her dress and underwear. Ollie had tried to convince her to get back in bed, but she'd shaken her head at him and told him it was a mistake and she was needed at work. She'd dressed and exited the building in record time.

Her tears refused to fall, though they still burned hotly in her eyes. The only warmth in a sea of iciness. She'd been accused of that once, she remembered. An ex-boyfriend told her she had a heart of ice, that no one would ever stick around enough to see if she was able to thaw enough. Of course, that might have had something to do with her ending things after finding him screwing another woman on the kitchen counter of their shared flat. But now, she wondered if he was right. Maybe she was incapable of thawing, of being what was needed, what was wanted. She'd thought Jack wanted her, a few times over the years, but in that taxi for sure. Her heart had practically danced from her chest, bouncing in warmth and delight. Now it lay cold and aching behind her breastbone. Dead, like the rest of her.

"I've never been so cold."

She didn't blame him. Not even a little bit. All the blame she had, she held for one person. Herself. She'd ruined everything, for one drunken shag that was nothing to write home about. And now she was alone, truly alone. No Leo, no Thomas, no Clarissa, no one to bounce off of in the hope Jack would come round eventually. Simone simply hadn't been there long enough to be able to play referee and honestly, Nikki was tired. She didn't want there to be a need for a referee anymore. She wanted them to just need each other. Well. Clearly that was never going to happen.

Her eyes drifted shut, trying to shut out the pain and the chill that deepened with every shallow breath she took. Five minutes, she told herself. Five minutes before she picked herself up off the floor and got herself changed, got on with the job and just hoped Jack wouldn't quit on her. She needed him in her life, no matter in what capacity. If she had to settle for nothing but work colleagues, she would. It would break her heart, but then, it was already broken. She would be a shell of herself, but she could do it, for him, to be near him. If she thought there was a a way to fix things, she would do so in an instant. No matter the pain or humiliation or consequences, she would do it without question. But his words had been final, concise. No wiggle room, no way to make it all better.

Distantly, she heard the door to the locker room open, but it barely registered in her mind. The glacial feeling was intense, burning in its coldness as she lost herself in the icy pain, her aching heart only adding to the desperate numbing cold. She deserved it, deserved all the pain in the world for what she'd put Jack through. If her freezing, losing herself would free him, would allow him happiness in the long run, without her, then it was worth it. He was worth the world to her.

"Nikki?"

Nikki frowned internally as she felt unexpected distant heat, an outside warmth trying to intrude on her frigid landscape. It was a familiar warmth, comforting and light, an all encompassing heat that she only ever associated with one person. But it couldn't be him, not after everything that had happened. Clearly her mind was hallucinating him now, trying to offer her comfort she didn't deserve. A tender, hot hand practically burnt her cheek but she didn't have the energy to open her eyes and see what her mind had conjured up for her. Maybe she'd dozed off and she was dreaming. It was certainly one explanation for the familiar scent invading her senses, for the comfort her wounded heart felt like a balm.

"Nikki!"

She wanted to tell him it was okay, that there was no need for the panic in his voice. He'd be alright once the hurt had died down, once he found someone who would love him even half as much as she did. Maybe he could phone Liz again; he'd clearly liked her enough to sleep with her. Nikki wasn't stupid; she'd seen Jack after enough one-night stands to know when he'd slept with someone. And he'd definitely slept with Liz. The burning hand was joined by another on her other cheek, thumbs softly stroking her skin, warming her gently. Forcing the pain to recede just enough, she finally managed to crack her eyes open, taking in the stark ceiling of the locker room at first. She'd forgotten she'd tilted her head back to rest it against the wall. Not that it mattered. She was clearly awake now and the heat hadn't gone. He really was there.

"Nikki, talk to me!"

Blinking, her eyes darted round wildly until she found him, knelt over her outstretched legs, essentially straddling her, his hands tenderly on her face and desperate concern written all over his features. Not the expression of a man who didn't care, not at all. Swallowing heavily a few times, trying to get round the lump in her throat, she opened her mouth ever so slightly, letting out a sound not much more than a breath of air. "Jack."

She watched closely as Jack stared at her, his eyes taking in her limp body and soulless eyes. It was okay, she wanted to tell him, she'd pretend to be fine for his sake. It would work eventually, right? Eventually, he'd get used to the lack of emotion behind her eyes and she'd get better at pretending to be happy for him when he found the one, the one that would never hurt him the way she had, the one that would never break his heart the way she had. Both broken.

Belatedly, she wondered if Cara could fix them the same way she'd fixed the bowl. Cracks still showing, but stronger, beautiful. Whole.

"Nikki, what's wrong? Where does it hurt?" His voice was frantic, his hands still cupping her head tenderly yet firmly.

"It's okay Jack." She forced the words out. "I'll do the postmortem in a minute."

"No you won't." He disagreed immediately. "The postmortem can wait. You need a hospital."

"No I don't." Nikki found his warmth giving her enough energy to shake her head lightly, still sandwiched between his life roughened palms. "I'm sorry Jack."

"Sorry? What for?" He was distracted, she knew, the shock of finding her sat helplessly on the floor. She didn't think she'd been gone long enough for him, for anyone, to notice.

"Sleeping with Ollie." She shivered unexpectedly, blinking in surprise at herself. "Oh look, the cold really is catching."

"Nikki, I don't care."

"I know." The tears made another bid for freedom at that point but she pushed them back ruthlessly. He didn't need to see her cry. "I'm not sorry though."

"You just said you were."

"No, not Ollie, you. I'm not sorry for kissing you, Jack." Nikki shivered again, feeling the ice still flowing through her veins. Jack's reiteration of not caring was cutting her deeper than any knife could. "I broke up with Matt."

His sharp intake of breath only cemented the fact he hadn't managed to read her mind, his eyes searching hers for the truth. "When?"

"Before karaoke. I thought you'd know." Nikki somehow found the energy to shrug slightly. She was still freezing, but the lack of ice in Jack's gaze was slowly warming her through. It wouldn't last, but she would cling to it for as long as she could. He was her rock, the one person she could count on, rely on. His voice had kept her sane when she'd been stuck in that box, her one calm in the storm dragging her under. "We always seem to know everything else."

"Not everything." Jack muttered, shifting his hands from her face. She lamented the loss of warmth for a moment before he repositioned himself to a squat and placed his hands beneath her armpits, lifting her up and towards him as he stumbled onto the locker room bench, Nikki all but falling onto his lap. "So when you kissed me…"

"I was single. And I knew exactly what I was doing." Nikki confirmed quietly, lost in the overwhelming sense of him surrounding her. His warmth slowly melting the ice in her limbs the longer he stayed, the longer her mind was convinced he wasn't leaving her after all, wasn't through with her and her ice heart that had a habit of hurting him. Either way, she knew she had to tell him, had to confess the one thing she'd kept hidden for far too long already. "I kissed you because I love you, Jack."

"And Ollie?"

"I was drunk." She told him bluntly. "And he was shit, to be honest with you."

Jack let out a startled laugh at her blunt honesty, his hands slipping down her back to her waist and leaving a trail of fire in their wake. His forehead slipped down to rest against her own, his fingers tightening almost reflexively on the thin cotton blouse she wore. "Good to know," he murmured. "I wish you'd told me about Matt."

"I was going to." Nikki flexed her fingers, surprised to find the feeling rushing back into them as she twisted slightly in his embrace to place her hands to his chest. His heartbeat was soothing beneath her fingertips and she found herself almost lost in the steady rhythm. "After my practical teaching session with the donated corpses."

"And then the fentanyl was found and all hell broke loose." Jack finished for her, only reinforcing her point about them being able to read each other's minds in almost any circumstances. "I'm sorry it didn't work out, Nikki."

"I broke up with him, Jack." Nikki reiterated, trying to make him understand, without actually saying the words, that she was fine with it because she'd broken up with him. She'd ended things with Matt because she wanted to make serious changes to her life, with Jack. It was all about Jack. It always was. She shivered again, though not as violently this time.

"Are you sure you're okay? I don't need to phone an ambulance, do I?" Jack's concern was back in full force with her shiver.

Nikki shook her head lightly, still forehead to forehead with him. His warm hands making her feel safe, protected on his lap. She ignored what else she could feel. That part wasn't important, not right then anyway. "No, no I'm fine. I'll be fine." She directed apologetic eyes to him. "Sorry, I must've scared you. I didn't mean to, I swear."

Jack exhaled deeply, shaking slightly. "I'd just said everything that I knew would hurt you and I walked in to find you limp on the floor looking like you're barely breathing." His eyes welled up unexpectedly. "I thought the last thing I'd ever said to you was something I'd deliberately said to hurt you."

"Oh, Jack." Her right hand slipped up his chest to his cheek, cupping it with all the tenderness she possessed. "I'm right here, okay? I'm not going anywhere."

"Nikki."

"I promise." Nikki let her thumb brush his cheek softly. "We get through everything together. I thought I'd lost you, all because I'd done a really stupid thing."

"I don't scare that easily." Jack managed to shoot her a tiny, shaky smile. Nikki returned it with a trembling lower lip, scared that the hope blossoming in her chest was about to be snatched away, like it had so many other times before. He took a deep breath. "I need to know you're all in on this, Nikki."

Nikki stared at him, willing him to see the open love she held for him in her eyes. It hadn't escaped her notice that he hadn't drawn any sort of attention to her confession, let alone addressed it. That terrified her, but she needed to keep going. There wasn't really anything to hide, not anymore. She could live with the cold threatening to make a comeback. For him. "Do you really think I'd wreck eight years of friendship on anything less?" She returned truthfully. "You know me Jack, better than anyone."

Jack nodded slowly, his nose brushing against hers. Nikki fought another shiver, this one nothing to do with the chill still slowly dissipating from her body. "Is there anything else I need to know? Anything else I can't read your mind on?"

"Not that I know of." Her nose scrunched a little as she tried to think. She'd told him about Ollie and Matt, the basics anyway. She'd told him she knew what she was doing with their kiss, that she loved him. Wasn't that everything? "I have a tattoo." She offered up lightly, eliciting a chuckle from Jack.

He lifted one hand from her waist to pick up her left hand, his fingers running over the one that had her tiny tattoo on. "I know about that." His grin faded to a soft smile. "Nikki?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you too." He shifted slightly until his lips were at the corner of her mouth. Nikki's eyes flickered down to the little she could see of her lips without moving her head, hardly daring to hope she'd heard him right. He loved her back? The chill fled her body as warmth filled her with his words, low and sincere.

"Yes?"

"Yes." His lips made contact with the corner of her mouth, a light flutter of a kiss reminiscent of the one she'd given to him in the back of that taxi. And she knew what to do next, what he was leaving up to her. Smiling, she twisted her face ever so slightly and kissed him, just as he had to her less than a day earlier.

Her hands slid to his shoulders and neck, clutching him as close as possible, whilst his hands spanned her waist easily, attempting the same aim. Close enough to be one shadow in the stark fluorescent lighting of the locker room. Hardly the most romantic of settings, but then they'd never been conventional. This was them, utterly them, and Nikki knew if anyone could make sure her heart stayed thawed and open, it was Jack. He melted the cold.