Malec has been one of my OTPs since forever. I love them in the books and I love them in the series. Somehow I never got around to writing something about them. That I changed today.
The books have so many wonderful quotes about the two of them and I always hung myself up on one in the Red Scrolls of Magic. I read many fics about how Magnus could deal with eventually losing Alec (and cried a lot), but I somehow never found something about this quote, that hit me so hard. So I wrote something myself.
Tell me, what you think about it? (Cross-posted on Ao3)
Disclaimer: don't own the characters, the books, or anything, I am just pouring out my feelings here...
"Malcom had loved a Shadowhunter. It had not ended well. Magnus had spoken to him about it once, about getting over love and living on, about finding love again. Malcom had shaken his head. He had said, I do not ever want another love.
Magnus had thought he was being foolish.
…
He heard Malcom singing and remembered again his words from long ago.
I do not ever want another love."
One hundred years. It had been one hundred years to the day today since Alexander Gideon Lightwood-Bane had died. One hundred years since the love of his life had been lost to him.
With a sigh Magnus wrapped his dark cloak closer around him as he walked through the streets of New York City, a city he had not been able to stray far from for too long in the last century. And how could he? His heart was buried here among HIS people. Here the traces of home were felt the strongest, in this city, where Alec had lived, had fought, loved, and changed so much.
A smile tugged at Magnus's lips. It was not a joyful one by far, rather a mixture of pride and sadness. Changed much indeed. Over the years many a threat had risen and fallen and already generations of shadowhunters and downworlders had met them on different battlefields since he had married Alexander. Much had happened during his love´s lifetime and more after, but what his Shadowhunter had done, what their family had done, had changed the face of their world. Despite losing their leader, the Shadowhunter-Downworlder-Alliance had prevailed as had their new laws and morals. The clave was still operating with them.
Losing Alexander had been worse than every realm of hell they had visited. It had been worse than everything Magnus had ever lived through, worse than his mother´s suicide, worse his stepfather trying to kill him, worse than being treated like dirt, worse than Camille, ...
Only the loss of Rafael and his wife had been similar, but then they at least had each other to hold onto, had his three children to take care of, had Max and Madzie and Clary and Cat and Simon and Jace and Izzy and Ragnor and Tessa and Jem. They had borne the unimaginable grief together as a family, had clung to one another, and had pressed all they had in loving and raising their family´s youngest members.
When Alec had died as the last of his generation in their little family, hollowed out by losing his siblings and their partners and so many friends, but still strong and warm and loving in his high age, Magnus world had fallen apart completely.
It had taken years until he had been able to crack a smile again. Until he had felt something similar to contents again. It had been hard to go on. Sure, he had found reasons in Max and Madzie, in his grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and later on their children. He had had Tessa who understood his pain, had had Ragnor and Cat.
But it had been hard. It had been hard to get up, knowing Alexander would not be in the kitchen making him coffee and lecturing him about conjuring up breakfast because it was stealing if he did not pay for it, it was hard getting dressed, knowing Alexander would not look at him like he was the most beautiful being in the entire universe (which he knew he had been in his husband's eyes whatever he chose to wear – or not to), it was hard to brush to get rid of morning breath without Alexander teasingly complaining about it. It had gone on and on – leaving his home without a goodbye kiss, seeking a reassuring hand that would never be there again, seeking a loving gaze, that he would never see again, waiting in an empty loft for someone that would never come home again, waiting for an answer that would never come. It had been hard to accept that his love was gone forever.
It had taken years to regain the semblance of a normal life, years until his friends and family trusted him to be alone for longer periods of time until he allowed himself to go on.
But even now, a century later he could still feel Alexander everywhere around him. He saw his blue eyes mirrored in the color of his magic, saw his smile in the way Madzie smiled, and the way she bit her lip while thinking was just like Alec. Magnus also saw him in Max´s nervous fidgeting and the way he loved using bow and arrow, despite having magic. He saw his hair, his features, stature, and eyes in Izzy´s descendants.
Alexander´s memory stayed with him every moment, not only in his wedding ring on a string around his neck above his heart and his own always on his finger. The protection wards on Alec´s ring were still humming with power, not having faded despite having lost their purpose. Both rings were unmarked by time, thanks to Magnus´ magic, the flames on the outside marking them as traditional Lightwood family rings were still sharp, as were the words on the inside. `Aku cinta kamu. ´ He also still wore the broch in the shape of the Wedded Union Rune over his heart every day, that had once been mirrored by a rune on Alexander´s arm. The broch was as protected from times effects as the rings were, as were any pictures of Alec, that he possessed, especially was the one in his wallet.
But it was not only in items, that he could remember his Shadowhunter. It was in acts of kindness, fairness, stubbornness, loyalty, honor, and honesty. It was places, people, acts, and his memories.
Being loved by a Nephilim could hardly be described, he thought. While the angel-blooded ones only ever loved once and fiercely – the truth of this Magnus had experienced himself – they had to balance it with their holy duty, the protection of the world. This had been true for his Alexander as well, but Magnus had never been surer of anything but their love. Alexander had not been good with words and it had taken a lot of hardship until they had built up a healthy, deep, and trusting relationship, but it had been worth every bit.
The love he had received from his Nephilim had been steady, deep, and whole. Magnus had shown the other his deepest and darkest sides and secrets, all his insecurities and failures, and had only found love and acceptance in return.
When his Alexander had looked at him, Magnus had felt safe and loved, for that had been the promise hidden in those blue depths – a love as deep and endless as the sky, steady as his never missing arrows, as warm as the fire his name stood for, as stalwart as he had been when fighting in what he believed. Looking in those blue eyes he had known he was the most important person in all realms, cherished and adored. Home.
Alexander had been his home. He had been the first person who ever wanted to marry Magnus, the first to raise children with him, the first who chose to be with him completely, openly, and with nothing held back. He had been the first one to grow old next to Magnus, to devote his life fully to the warlock. Alexander had taught him to love himself through his own love.
Magnus remembered a talk he had had a long time ago with the warlock Malcolm Fade, who had loved one of the angel-blooded ones as well. Sometimes it scared him how much he had understood the man after losing his husband, understood the siren song of the path the other had taken. Tessa did as well. But Malcolm's example was also how they reminded each other not to follow this dark path in their own darkest hours.
Still, he could agree with Malcolm. Dammed by the Nephilim but after loving one of them, no one else would ever compare. He did not WANT to fall in love again and deep down he knew he would not. Nobody had ever and would ever come close to Alexander. When Magnus had given his heart to the other, he had given in fully and wholly and forever and had received Alec´s in return. Despite all the pain and sorrow, it had brought – how could Magnus ever want something, somebody else?
Alexander had often asked him to be happy and to live after he had gone – however, this happiness came to be. But he did not need a new partner for this. And as Magnus looked at his life, he thought to himself that he was on a good way to fulfill this promise. Continuing his husband's work had established Magnus even more in the Downworld and even by the Clave. There his name also held a lot of weight and he found distant family members wherever he looked and a lot of them sought him out still (his group of shadowhunters had descendants aplenty – Herondales, Lightwoods (Izzy had been resolute in her desire to keep her family name and Simon had submitted) and Lightwood-Banes). He was invited to birthdays, weddings, funerals, or just over dinner. He still had two of his three children, had Ragnor, Cat, and Tessa. He had his magic and his studies. And he had his Shadowhunter's love and memories of him, cherished and protected in his heart. He would always miss Alexander, but that was okay. His Nephilim had wanted him to be happy and to live and Magnus was trying – and well on his way to succeeding. And he would continue on. Maybe- just maybe they would see each other again one day. And until then, Magnus would go on.
With these thoughts Magnus continued his way through the streets of New York, years and years in the future from when Alexander Gideon Lightwood had lived, remembering and loving and going on, living in a world so much better, because his love had lived and changed it for him.
And far away, a soul lit up with the same knowledge, as his deepest wish had been fulfilled. His actions had made the world a better place for Magnus Lightwood-Bane. Now all that was left to do was waiting, waiting for a day that might never come. But still, the soul waited for his other half.
(*The quote is from the book "The Red Scrolls of Magic", The eldest curses 1 by Cassandra Clare and Wesley Chu (p.187)
For everyone who has not read this: it is a Malec-shipper´s dream and paradise!)