AN/ disclaimer – I do not own anything from TMNT this fanfiction was written just for fun and I make no profit from this.

Hello, hello! Thought I'd try my hand at writing a one-shot. Now be warned this will be a little sad and has mentions of character death as well as dark themes as well as a fractured mind, so if you want to read something more light-hearted then you may want to skip this one... for those who wish to read on please enjoy!
P.S - I will still be working on Fight darkness with darkness though updates will be slow on that one, sorry ^ ^;

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My name is Leonardo.

I think I've lost track of time. I'm not sure how long I've been in my room... Ten hours? A day? Five days? No idea. No one's around everyone seems to be doing their own things recently- well more so than usual but there's a grim reason for that. Master Splinter passed away four months ago, That's when everything when to shell. Patrols stopped; Training came to a halt... The laughing stopped. Everything stopped.

Mikey stopped smiling.

Donnie stopped Socialising.

Raph stopped caring.

I stopped trying.

I really should have seen this coming. We all should have seen this coming. Sensei was getting older, his age finally starting to wear him down, he was slower... weaker. One day he was here, he was fine and the next he was gone without warning. Without closure.

Poor Mikey was the first to find him and he hasn't smiled once since. Raph was next... he broke a lot of things in the lair that night. Donnie refused to face the reality that our father was dead. I was the last to find out- it's funny really, we always shared a strong spiritual connection me and Sensei... you'd think I'd have felt something when he left but there was nothing. It was almost like maybe he didn't want anyone to know he was leaving that night and the worst part was when Sensei Passed on, he took the life of this entire place with him, it's like the world stopped turning for us. Time stopped moving for us.

My room is darker than my brother's and I prefer it that way, it keeps things simple, calm even. Countless hours I've spent in this room meditating these past few weeks, trying anything to contact my father in the spirit world... every single time I was met with a bitter silence. Maybe he didn't want to be found. I've gone through endless scenarios in my mind on things that could have changed the outcome of that terrible night but all in all nothing would have sugar-coated the grim reality.

Master Splinter is dead.

Turning my attention to the slightly crumpled photographs on my desk, skimming my hand over the aged images. These pictures weren't anything special, memories of better times, all of us together... Me, Raph, Don, Mike and Sensei and nothing more than that. Rather than making me feel happy the pictures seem to remind me of what will never be again. The pictures would probably bring me more joy if I'd folded them into paper cranes and threw them in the river... at least there's an end there, they'd float for a while then sink and now I've thought of it like that, I think I might just do it.

Deciding I'd spent far too long folding photographs into paper cranes, I leaned back on my meditation mat, head resting against the cold brick wall to stare at the ceiling for a few moments. I wonder what Mikey's doing right now... or Don or even Raph... god it's been so long since I checked on them but they keep pushing me away, like I did something. Maybe I did in their minds, wouldn't surprise me. I was a terrible leader. Did I just make myself laugh? Huh guess I did.

It was then decided in my mind that grief worked in strange ways. When something traumatic happens, it causes a ripple through lives, starting with the ones closest to the impact. I noticed each of my brothers coped and reacted in completely different ways though, not entirely how I would have expected them to.

First was Mikey, His personality did a complete 180, he stopped doing anything that he enjoyed. His Video games left abandoned; his movie collection now gathers dust on the old wooden tv stand in the living room. He paces a lot and gets very angry at things. I tried to talk to him, give him some kind of comfort but he just shook his head at me and walked away. Sometimes I wonder if Don or Raph had any better luck talking to him than I did. The first few days Mikey snapped at anything and anyone... he even shredded his comics. I can't bear to see him so broken.

Raphael. He took Master Splinter's death as hard as one could. The night Master Splinter passed away was the first time I've ever seen my strong, fierce brother break down in tears and screams. It was messy and raw but that sadness- that grief soon turned into this pure burning anger. Doors were broken, plates and glass were smashed- he beat his punching bag until it was nothing more than a pile of leather and filling spilling out onto the dojo floor. The next morning, I decided I'd try to talk to him but he wasn't anywhere in the lair and didn't return for three entire days. When he finally returned, the smell of alcohol on him was so strong, his eyes red and puffy... When I finally spoke to Raph, he exploded all over again. He wanted nothing to do with me. He would never again take orders from me. I'll leave out the swear words and other parts to this conversation but that's it in a nutshell.

Donnie seems almost non-existent- hollow. It's like he's a shell of himself, there's no line between his work and personal life. I ventured into his lab a while back and it was bad. Really bad. I'm not sure what he's working on at this point but it looks... dangerous. What I saw in that room... So many chemicals and mixtures, machines and weapons. The thing is I've seen my brother work on things before but this was obsessive, the weapons weren't the usual helpful kind- but these things were made to kill. I tried to talk to him... much like I tried to talk to Mikey but Don was almost unresponsive- his voice was so quiet. He's relying on caffeine to keep awake for hours on end and I swear he's just going to pass out one day or have a breakdown.

Each of my brothers have their vices, their coping mechanisms. Yes, even I have my vices. I stopped trying to be the 'perfect leader' months ago. Raph made it perfectly clear he won't be led by me anymore and the others didn't seem to have an objection to what Raph said. I won't argue. I'll be here when they need me and that's enough.

From the things I have seen over the past few weeks I can tell what my bro's vices seem to be. First there's Don, when I entered his lab, I didn't just see countless coffee mugs like I thought I would... I also saw tablets, painkillers... I suspect that's what's keeping him numb.

Raphael's vice has always been the same. Alcohol. Recently he's been drinking more and more, I can't remember the last time I've seen him sober- well that's a lie. The last time I saw Raph sober was around three months ago and even then, he wasn't himself, Still reeling with anger and grief... it's hard to tell when he exactly went off the rails.

There's just one brother I can't seem to figure out. Mikey. I have no idea how he's coping as of late or if he's coping at all. Sometimes I wonder what my little bro gets up to when he's out all night or when he shuts himself away... at the same time I really don't want to know.

Sliding open the second to last old wooden draw on the beat-up desk, rummaging for a moment before pulling out a packet of cigarettes, followed by a slightly rusted zippo lighter I'd found on a tunnel run last year. The zippo lighter- though rusted around the base had an oil-spill pattern on it, I had gown quite fond of it, that's the only reason I decided to bring it back with me and at this moment I'm so glad I did.

Click... Click... Click...

With three clicks a small flame appeared from the lighter.

With one swift motion and one strained breath the cigarette was lit.

How long will this go on? No idea. What I do know is that when one of my brother's need me, I'll be here for them. They may push me away for a little while longer but when they need someone to tuck them in after they have a nightmare or when they need someone to talk to... even when they need someone to yell at.

I'll be right here.

It's funny really, it's true what they say after all. You really don't know what you have until it's gone. I bet the Shredder is thriving in our absence, probably won't recognise the city when I next see it. What worries me is not the Shredder in this moment... but instead my brother's. I know Raph goes topside often enough... even Mikey spent nights out... it worries me even more so now to think that either one of them could get ambushed alone.

Another inhale of the cigarette... followed quickly by a weak exhale.

Realizing I was being paranoid I discarded the thought rather quickly. Resorting to gaze through the swirling smoke rising slowly to the ceiling... as more of a distraction than anything else.

I'm sick to death of this.

Does anything even exist outside of my room anymore? It's so quiet... Maybe time really did stop, or maybe I'm just slowly loosing myself.

Glancing to the right through the smoke, I stared for no longer than a moment at the now dead bonsai which once took pride of place on the bookshelf at one point. The once beautiful plant, full of life now reduced to glorified stick in it pot... Master- Father. Father once told me if you could take care of a bonsai then you could take care of anyone... heh well I guess that speaks volumes about me here.

Ashes fell to the floor from the half-burned cigarette.

I need to check on my brothers... I know they are old enough to take care of themselves... they aren't kids anymore. I know that.

The thought of my brothers wasting away like my bonsai had... it just wasn't sitting right with me.

Discarding the smouldering cigarette quickly into the makeshift ash-tray, I headed for the door, Hand gently resting on the brass handle that Donnie had fitted all too long ago.

Yet I hesitated.

With one last glance behind me at my self-imposed prison for god knows how long and then back to the door handle.

It shouldn't be this hard... should it? Things might have gotten worse out there... my brother's... might be wasting away out there...

I won't let that happen. Not now. Not ever again.

Closing my eyes for a second then taking one long calming breath. Gently pushing down on the doorhandle then giving a slow pull. Light from the lair slowly started lighting my once dim room.

The door was finally open.

A couple of steps was all it took to be free.

It's time to start again.

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aaaaaaaaaaaand it's done :') I hope this wasn't too heavy... feel free to leave a review if you wish... thanks for reading the ramblings of an insomniac!