Last night was amazing. She kissed me. She. Kissed. Me. By the fire pit, she finally gave me an answer to the one question that was left between us. How does she feel? She feels alive with me. Which makes no sense because she is the smartest, most graceful, most intuitive woman I have ever known. How can I make her feel that way? What do I have to offer to her? My heart? My soul? My future? At this point, I would give her the sun and the moon if she asked for it.
This morning was different. The glow and warmth of the fire was gone, and the realization of our actions hit home. I really care about Joey. That much is true and isn't going to change anytime soon. But Dawson is my best friend. I know he cares about her too. He may not have always seen it through the years but everyone else did. The last thing I want to do it hurt him. My dilemma ultimately comes down to my happiness versus his. I can be open and honest about my feelings and actions and tell Dawson the hard truth or I can bury my feelings and pray that they go away. Neither option seems fair to either of us.
All thought of what to do leaves my mind the second I see her coming down the front steps of the house, luggage in hand. We both thought it would be best if I slept on the couch instead of in the bed with her again. Neither of us thought it would look good if we were caught by Dawson or Andy in the middle of the night. I got up early to load up the car and skipped breakfast, in favor of hot coffee and the embers of last night's fire.
"Morning Potter. How was the bed last night?" I called out from the back of the car. I had already claimed one of the two seats in the third row.
"It was ok. A little cold and empty." Replied Joey, with the smallest of smirks on her face.
"I already put your bag in the back. I saved you a seat if you want it." I said with a wink.
Dawson, Andy, and Will made their way to the car and started to pile in. Dawson behind the wheel, Will and Andy in the second row and Joey sitting next to me.
"Jo, why are you sitting all the way back there? You always call shotgun,' yelled Dawson, looking in the rearview at the both of us.
"I was talking to Pacey about his boat and got stuck. It's ok. I'm probably going to sleep the whole way home anyways. I had a hard time falling asleep last night,' Joey replied.
"Ok. Let me know if you change your mind. Pacey isn't the best road trip buddy,' Laughed Dawson as he started the car and began to back down the driveway.
"What does that mean?" she asked me.
"I like to play "Name That Tune" and he's not that good at it." I said in a whisper, "and you of all people know how he gets when he doesn't get what he wants."
"I'm not a prize for either of you. I can decide for myself what path to take and who to spend my time with. Neither one of you can make my choices." She said, with her hands in fists, holding back tears.
This was my moment. This was my chance to show her the difference between her two choices. Dawson would say something about how he knew her better than anyone and how I would never be able to truly understand her. He would go on about how without him, she would never really be happy. That they were soul mates and soul mates have to be together. I didn't believe any of it. I knew that Joey belonged in the world, deserved to find her own way in life and not just follow some guy around to make him happy.
"Jo, you can make your own choices. But promise me that you will make them for you and not for anyone else. Forget my feelings. Forget Dawson's feelings. I guarantee that, while we may be in pain for a while due to the rejection, we will both live. We will both learn and eventually move on. All I want is for you to be happy with your decision." I whispered. Will and Andy were deep in conversation about books but I did not want to risk them overhearing anything.
It took her about 30 seconds, but she finally turned her head, relaxed her hands, and stared at me. She was smiling.
"You know what Pace; you are smarter than anyone gives you credit for."
"Thanks Potter." I slowly slid my hand out towards her on the seat, where no one but us can see.
I'm not going to force my hand in hers, I'm not going to force anything from her. At this point, I am resigned to the fact that I could wait years, even decades, for her. She's that kind of woman. The kind that never leaves your soul.
I am content to stare out of the window as we drive down the highway, back to Capeside, back to reality and limbo.
A few minutes later, I feel a tingle. I feel tiny, delicate fingers slowly intertwining between mine. I can't make myself look because I don't want it to be all in my head. I dare to turn my head and catch a grin on her face. She's not looking at me, just out of her own window, same as me.
We sat this way for the rest of the drive back. Only daring to glance at each when we thought Dawson was too engrossed in the road to catch us. Only when Andy and Will asleep in their seats. The occasional squeeze to check if the other was awake, or to make fun of Andy's snoring. The little smiles and the little laughs made the 5-hour drive completely magical and way too short.
My dread sets in and my head drops to my chest when I see Dawson's house come into view and we turn into the driveway. My heart aches as she slowly pulls her fingers from mine when the car stops, and Dawson turns the engine off.
Behind the car, as I am helping Dawson and Will unload the bags, I see Andy and Joey talking. All I want is more time, I need to be alone with her.
"Jo, can I ride with you to the B&B? I need to talk to Bessie about something."
"Sure, but you have paddle the boat." She says with the faintest of smirks.
As we say our goodbyes to the rest of group, and head down to the dock, I start thinking about last night all over again. Her lips, her hair, the way the firelight shined in her eyes.
"You know I don't really need to talk with Bessie, right? I just needed an excuse to be alone with you again." I said as we get in the boat and push away from the dock.
"I figured that out on my own, Pace. You're not as subtle as you think you are."
"Subtlety has never been my strong suit. But I'm curious to know what we are supposed to be subtle about. I'm not going to push you into anything you're not ready for, but I don't know how long I can go without kissing you again."
"Oh, are we actually going back to the B&B? I assumed this was just a smokescreen so you could get me all to yourself. "
"Why Miss Potter, are you implying that I would lie about my intentions? " I said with a laugh. "I thought a nice short cut to the Ruins would be nice. We can tie the boat up and watch the sunset on the best spring break of my life."
"It's not really a short cut but I did tell Bessie that we wouldn't be back until much later tonight, so I have some time to spare."
As I turned the boat in the direction of the Ruins, I start to feel the tingle again. There's no touch this time, only anticipation for the future, our future, and the beginning of our history.