I'm a fan of the Simpsons. Specifically the Halloween Episodes. I make it my life's goal to watch every single one of those at least once per Halloween. So to prepare for it I often either watch it streaming or go nostalgia and look for physical copies. Be it in department stores, flea markets and even yard sales. The latter of which is the story I will tell you. I was passing by a yard sale on a nice September afternoon. I had already gotten all but one of the Treehouse of Horrors. This place was like nothing I ever seen. Like most yard sales they had their fair share of junk. Old furniture, records, antiques, you name it. Of course that included Blu-Ray, DVD and even Beta and VHS copies of the simpsons. I got the one I was looking for and after paying the salesman asked me "So you like Simpsons?" To which I replied "Yes I do." He brought out a suitcase and opened it showing me what looked like a blank VHS tape. I asked "What is that?" He told me "This was the lost Halloween Episode. Only shown once, but then taken out of circulation. Rumor has it, it was so scary that it killed anyone that watched it." I brushed him off and said "That's bullshit." The man smiled and said "I like your attitude. Just for that, no charge." Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I took the VHS and took it home. I had to search around for a VCR to play this thing, but other than that I was all set.
It was Halloween Night, I had my popcorn and candies ready and binged watched all the Treehouse of Horror episodes. I wanted to save the tape for last. I had no idea if there was gonna be a Simpsons special on it let alone anything at all. For all I know, the guy probably just got rid of a porno with me as an easy mark. Then again it was free, so who gives a shit? So I hooked my VCR up and put the tape in. It was already rewound so I didn't need to. I played the tape and at first there was nothing. I was pissed. The screen was black for 10 minutes save for the occasional tracking status. Then just when I was about to turn it off, the show started. It was like the classical Treehouse of Horror Episodes, where Marge appeared on stage warning the audience how scary it was. In this instance:
"Hello. If you're watching this, either you're one of the Executive Producers of the show, a disgusting bootlegger or some guy lucky enough to find this at a yard sale. Normally this would be the part where I warn you and to an extent the audience how horrifying this special is. However you'll probably ignore it just like all the other warnings. All I can say is enjoy the show and good luck. Because after it's over you're gonna need it. And Shane, you shouldn't have put this tape on." I was in shock. How did Marge know my name? Was it some kind of glitch or coincidence? Was Julie Kavner spying on me? Who knows. I shrugged and let the tape continue. It started with the typical opening, the camera's passing by the gravestones. The first being "Elvis, for the last time he's dead stop looking." The second "Michael Eisner's Career." and the Third "Here lies Shane. You shouldn't have watched the tape." This was starting to creep me out, but I was determined to see this special to the end.
The first segment was called "VideoBart" an obvious parody of Videodrome. However what shocked me was that the story was very similar to the one I am telling you the reader. Bart finds a lost Krusty the Clown Episode, at a yard sale for his collection and after watching it he begins to hallucinate. First he hallucinates the TV morphing into the various lips of every love interest in his life. From Laura Powers to Mary Spuckler. Which was odd because this video was according to the title made between III and IV of the series. So she shouldn't have existed yet. It next showed Bart going on a rampage. Killing Krusty before he could spread the tape further, killing Homer because he felt like it, killing Lisa because he didn't like her. Even killing Kang and Kodos, just to get the cameo out of the way. It ends with Bart looking at the camera pointing a gun at it saying "Shane, you shouldn't have watched the tape. Long live the new flesh. As well as the new shorts to eat off the flesh." He fires a shot and the screen goes blank. I hear a sound behind me, the sound of the wall cracking and I turn to look. There was a hole in the wall, the size of a bullet. What scared me was that it was only mere inches from where my head was positioned. Was it a mere coincidence that the wall just randomly broke or was that the first of what would be many times this tape would try to kill me. Before I could think on it any further, I watch the next segment.
The second segment was called. "Lisa." Judging by the way it was structured, it seemed to be a parody of the movie Carrie, but with Lisa in the title role. Much like Carrie, it started out with the usual things. Lisa getting picked on, discovering she had telekinesis and Marge playing the crazy mother. Only rather than be just fundementalist, she is mostly nagging her. "Now Lisa, you shouldn't make things float with your mind." Or things like that. Naturally it culminates in a school dance scene, where Bart dumps Spider-Pig's Blood on her dress. Which I still found odd because like Mary, Spider-Pig or Harry Plopper, shouldn't even exist yet. Nevertheless it went the way I predicted. Lisa snaps and starts using the powers to massacre the school. In a surprising display of blood and gore that even the Simpsons would normally steer clear of. As if things couldn't get any weirder, Lisa looks to the camera, her eyes glowing blue. I start to notice objects in my own room ominously floating 2 feet into the air. DVD Cases, snack bowls, books. All of which surrounding me. "YOU DID THIS TO ME SHANE!" She shouted "YOU PLAYED THE TAPE! DON'T WATCH THE FINAL STORY!" Before I knew it each object was flying at me. I managed to dodge some, but others were able to score hits on me. A dvd case even gives me a shiner. However before she could finish the job, Marge comes in and stabs her to death in a violent fashion. All the objects drop suddenly and the screen goes blank once again. At first I had enough and didn't want to watch anymore, but when I reached the stop button I got a shock. While it was a small shock, it felt like 20 000 volts went into me. The tape itself was determined to play. There was nothing I could do, but prepare for the final story.
"Mouse Reich" Now this one wouldn't be out of place in a modern Treehouse of Horror episode, but since this was meant to be an old lost episode, it wasn't that all scary at first. However I gotten used to the anachronistic elements and wondered what this one was all about. It starts with the Simpson Family sitting in the living room watching TV. They hear the announcement that Disney had officially bought Fox. Homer and Bart were skeptical, because that would mean their R rated movies would either get toned down or destroyed, Lisa sees it as progressive and Marge believes it's about time Fox got Disney'd. As though she knew it was gonna happen sooner or later. Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie look at her weird. Wondering why she would say that, she sighed and took them to her room. She then showed them a suit case similar to the one I seen this tape in. Only inside wasn't a tape, but rather some Disney Merchandise including but not limited to a Mousketeer Hat with Marge's name on it. Homer had no idea she was a former Mouseketeer and asked about it. Which cues a flashback that seems like a typical day in the Mickey Mouse Club. Singing, Dancing and the like. Once the show ended all the Mousketeers were lead backstage to what appeared to be a secret lab. Which housed rooms full of various unethcial experiments. The first was "Bringing Cartoon Characters to life." Which seems harmless as they simply wanted to bring, Mickey, Goofy and others into the real world. Inside however was a malformed abomination mix of the two, that rivals that of The Thing. The Second was "The Agressive Fan" an experiment designed to make Disney fans more violently obsessed and devoted to the franchise. If you ever saw someone go on length about any Disney medium or saw violent confrontations over the spoiling of a Disney movie, that was them. Then the third one, the most horrifying of them all. "Mickey Ultra." A play on the words MK-Ultra. A mind control experiment that turns the Mousketeers into sleeper soldiers dedicated to recruiting or killing any non-Disney Fan that stands in their way. They come in as ordinary people and they Goosestep out as an amagamation of the Mickey Mouse Outfit, the Hitler Youth Uniform and The SS Uniform. Each one saying "Mick Heil." When Marge finishes her story, Homer and the Kids are obviously terrified. Not just because she told them Disney's darkest secret, but because she was already dressed in her Mickey Ultra Uniform. Holding up 4 more matching the sizes of Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Homer in a surprising boust of bravery holds Marge off and tells the Kids to run for it. The kids managed to get out of the house. Marge manages to subdue Homer with a drug that turns him into an instant Mickey Ultra. Of course Homer being an idiot says "Sieg Heil" before corecting himself saying "Mick Heil." The kids flee to Milhouse's house and try to warn him. Milhouse in a surprising twist is calm about the situation and asks his mother to come to his room. Luanne and Kirk appear both wearing uniforms and saying "Mick Heil." Bart was saddened by his friend's betrayal and Lisa tries to reason with him. However it falls on deaf ears as Milhouse grabs Lisa and intends to convert her too. "I always had a thing for you Lisa." He says "Now we can be together." Bart tries to fight him off, but to his surprise Milhouse is stronger and throws him out the house. Maggie follows Bart and they make a run for it with Lisa screaming in the distance. Bart and Maggie take refuge in Bumtown and find a nearby TV to catch up on current events. Kent Brockman in full Mickey Ultra attire announces the news in a more positive light, but makes it all clear that Springfield has been overwhelmed and taken over by the Mickey Ultras. With Bart and Maggie being on the most wanted list. The Bums at first refuse to give them over, but when Kent offers them a dollar reward for their capture, they all turn on them. With Bart shouting "Back off you Fifth Column bastards!" They flee and find themselves at a dead end. Maggie in a startling move takes out a revolver she had hidden in her clothes. Signalling Bart to run while she tries to fight them off. Bart runs and the Bums capture Maggie. He finds himself at Frink's observatory, only to find it's been converted to a Springfield Branch Disney Office. Hoping to find away to shut it down, Bart infiltrates the place. Even throwing some "Mick Heil." gestures to others to blend in. As he searches he starts to monologue "This whole thing could have been avoided if he simply didn't watch the tape. Our lives may have been crappy, but they wouldn't have been this bad. Shane, you really screwed us over." I was no longer skeptical now, this tape was cursed and I had just realized it now, but I had to see how the story ended. Bart gets to the main office and finds none other than Mickey Mouse there, in the flesh. "Hello Bart. Haha. I had a feeling you'd find me eventually." He locks the door, making sure Bart doesn't leave or let the Mickey Ultras convert him yet. Mickey explains "I started this thing over a century ago. Walt was my greatest sleeper. After all it's not like they would let a Talking Mouse Run a company. It'd piss off the union haha. The truth is, we just want the world to love us unconditionally. But as other companies came along, breaking our people free of our control, be it through that Woodpecker or...that FUCKING RABBIT! We couldn't just appeal to the audience anymore. So we started our recruitments. The Mickey Mouse Club, Disneyland, California Adventure. All of it so we could get as many soldiers as we can and repeat the process on others. It wasn't until now that we could produce it in drug form. Oh Woody and Bugs tried to one-up us, making their own theme parks and even taking over the Superhero Franchise for a while, but in the end we intend to stomp them out. So that everything becomes Disney. EVEN YOU SHANE! HAHA! HAHA! AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Bart tries to fight him only for Mickey to drug him too. When the drug takes it's effect, Bart looks into the camera and says "Mick Heil Man."
The tape stopped then and there. Yet I kept hearing that chant over and over again. I turned the TV off, yet I still heard it. I unplugged it yet I still heard it. It didn't occur to me until now, that the chant was coming outside. I look out the window and I was shocked. 20 - 30 people including the man that sold me that tape. All in Mickey Ultra uniforms, but none armed with needles. They were armed to the teeth with every fire arm imaginable, With Mickey and Bart taking the lead. I couldn't help but thinking, despite all that, the episode was worth the watch.
If you're reading this, I have probably successfully fled. Or have been dead for a long time. Eitehr way I end this story with a warning. If someone offers you a Lost Episode of Anything. Don't accept it even if it's free. Tell the man to fuck off if you have to. Because once you watch it, your life will change for the worse. Goodnight.