Unheared Whispers and Wishfulness
Alex loves Sean, she loves him as much as a person who's been through her traumas ever could love another person… but it's her touch she longs for. Whenever Alex wakes up in a cold sweat, shaking, shivering, remembering all the things that people have done to her and vice-versa. It isn't Sean's voice that she searches for, isn't his arms she wants to wrap herself in. Not in the first few moments anyways. She tries not to let the guilt eat away at her because it only takes a few moments for her to relax with him. And he makes her happy. They've created a weird but wonderful relationship. But it isn't quite the thing – or the person – she wants most.
Alex knows she loves her. She sees it in the other woman's eyes, hidden behind words of approval and actions of trust – both on and off the battlefield – everyday. She may love Alex, but she is in love with Michael. The way she leans into him when he touches her shoulder, that eerie way they both move together in unison without trying. The way her teeth capture her bottom lip when he cracks an inappropriate joke at the worst possible time – a bomb about to go off, into the comms while everyone can hear – as she tries not to grin but fail. Alex can see it, everyone sees it. And it breaks Alex's heart every single time. But she does not let anyone see that. Most importantly, Alex doesn't let her see that. Because she knows that it would break her heart if she knew that she was causing Alex pain. But the worst part is, is that Alex likes the pain. The physical pain reminds her that she's still alive. That the blood following form her veins and onto the marble floors, the alleyways holds proof. The blood leaving her body is evidence that she is fact a real person, whole, in the physical world. It centers her when she feels her mind slipping from her body and floating away. Physical pain teethers her to this reality.
The unintentional pain that she causes Alex is also something she needs in her life. This proves that she's not as damaged as the brothels and drugs and Division have tried their damnest to make her. The pain proves that she can feel something other than disgust, something other than shame. This proves she can hope and wish and want. And of course, Alex would spend that time wanting her, who wouldn't?
She saved Alex. From division, from Amanda, from herself, time and time again. It was her. It was always her. And while ultimately it is Alex that keeps herself clean and moving forward with her life, trying to heal. She's that one that gave Alex the tools and the chance to do so. So, is it really all that difficult to understand why she would fall for Nikita in the end?
A/N Apparently, I can't write Alex without angst... is part of the '2021 Challenge Yourself' tag #4 write a story thats less than 500 for reading, thoughts are always welcome!