Oily shadows and distant faces haunted Shepard's dreams. They flitted past and asked her why. They tore at the scars across her body and raked down the burns on her face. The cybernetics in her sparked and twitched to movements that weren't real.

The air was thick and sour. Voices a wretched whisper in each ear. Tearing at any veil of courage that were ever erected. In this space of dark upon dark, there was something there.

Shepard wasn't alone…

We're still here, Shepard.

A hiss echoed in the stillness.

We… will ALWAYS BE HERE!

—

Shepard fell from a bunk in the SPECTRE crew quarters. Nothing could stop the drawing of her pistol. She aimed it in a frantic haze into the dark. Breathless and scared. Shaking. Restless eyes poured over the inky space around her. Seeing traces of what she'd left behind in every dark corner. Each bunk carried ghosts of the past and they peered back from out of sight.

The sound of heavy feet came thudding from the hallway going towards operations. There hadn't been time to process any noise. Instinct and fear took over with a pull of the trigger, *BAM* A bullet slammed into the wall beside Garrus's head.

"Whoa! Whoa! Shepard it's me!" Garrus dropped down behind a bedside table and tried to make his presence known. Taking a shot to the mandibles wasn't on his agenda.

Shepard started shaking as each breath came out in ragged heaves.

"Garrus?" Bewildered and terrified at her own actions, the gun fell from Shepard's hand. It hit the floor and Garrus kicked it away as he rushed in and checked on his lover.

"I almost shot you…" She whispered. A silence overtook the room. It left only her shaky breathing. Garrus couldn't believe how fast the human's heart was racing. That silence grew stale quick, an anxiety filling its cracks.

"To be fair, you missed. And I'm pretty sure anybody else wouldn't have been able to duck in time." He tried to joke, but neither of them laughed. They didn't dare to.

Those shaky breaths turned to little gasps. The little gasps turned to quiet tears. Shepard, the legend, the hero, fearless in the face of death… was crying.

Garrus pulled her close, mandibles resting atop her brow in a worried embrace.

"It's getting worse, isn't it?" She didn't answer. She cried. The cries turned to sobs. The sobs turned to screams.

The screaming didn't stop.

—

Not a soul said a word as they watched Garrus carry their CO out the bunkhouse towards the elevator. Nobody judged. No one snickered or made jokes. The only thing they could do is hang their heads. For months they'd listened to her struggle to make it through each night.

None of them could imagine what it must feel like. To lose and sacrifice so much to save the galaxy, only to never find peace. To offer such a high price for no return. To have every mistake follow you into your dreams.

Garrus couldn't stand watching her devolve into this quivering heap. Each second she spent breaking tore at him. There was nothing he could but be there. Offer love and hope. Support and promises that he couldn't keep.

Even half asleep, Shepard clutched at him. Holding onto his armor for dear life. They stayed huddled together the entire lift back to their home.

When they arrived at Anderson's old apartment, Garrus tried to keep carrying her, but she refused. Shepard put both boots to the ground and wiped her eyes.

"I got it from here. I'll be okay. I'm sorry."

"Don't you apologize to me." He said, reaching forward to take her hand. The green eyes that would shine on most nights were dull and ashamed. Exhausted.

"You aren't a burden. You're the one love of the one life I'll ever have. And I live for these moments. The pain. The struggle to know what the hell we're supposed to do against things we don't understand."

They leaned into each other, brow to brow again. Lit only by the light of the living room fireplace creeping through the entryway.

"I'm going to go talk to them." Shepard said, placing a small kiss on his chin. Offering a slow caress of the scars littering his mandibles.

"Thanks ugly." Garrus laughed at her jab and rolled his eyes.

"Thanks for what? Squishy." A tired smile rolled across Jane's lips and threatened to stay for once.

"For being you. And for doing your best. I know it's hard to navigate the waters of… this." She tapped the side of her head.

"Always. Commander..." Warmth. Beautiful heat spread in her chest to her toes. Whenever he called her that it brought back so many of the good memories. The good times of learning and discovering one another.

"I'll leave you be. I've got some paperwork to finish in the office from some of the ops today. When I'm done I'll come talk to the gang a bit." He said before walking up the stairs.

"Thank you. See you in a bit." She said, turning away to cross the foyer into the rec room. Stepping in with a smile, she lit up at seeing her friends.

"Guys! It's good to see you." No one answered back. Shepard kept her smile up and tried to stay calm. In a few small movements, she was face to face with her friends, sitting on the floor with a knee up.

"Tonight… was rough. Usually sleeping at headquarters puts me at ease. The busy work and bustle around me tends to distract enough to shut my eyes..." She went quiet for a deep breath.

"But here lately, busy work or not… it hasn't been enough." Still nobody answered, they listened.

"When I close my eyes, it all comes back. They come back. I see it all again and it hurts like it was fresh. The wounds come unglued and it all pours out of me. Bit by bit I'm losing another part of me every time I lay my head down..." Shepard looked to Kaiden.

"I see you again. I watch you blow, but more. I see your skin turn to ashes and the light leave your eyes." Now to Ashley.

"I see Garrus put a bullet between your eyes because you're too goddamn stubborn to trust me!" She screamed.

"And you…" Shepard grabbed Joker's picture.

"I hear EDI say your name. And you never answer. I see the smile leave her face. She thought you were sleeping." Jane would never forget watching someone feel true agony for the first time. EDI didn't know what to do.

"But we all did what we had to. Right?" Shepard faced the last photo. Anderson. The only father she ever had.

"I hope that you're proud of me. I've done everything that I can. But fuck this is hard. What am I supposed to do now?" Tears welled at her eyes again.

"How do I go back to normal? What the fuck does normal even mean?!" Shepard couldn't tell if she was laughing or crying anymore. They almost felt the same at this point.

"How do I forget them? The monsters! Goddamnit they're so real in my head! It's like they're all right back here in front of me. Husks clawing at my skin, destroyers hovering over every roof. Harbinger hitting me with that last beam. God it's so real... too real."

Once again that empty silence took over. Heavy and overbearing. Burdening each breath like bricks dragging her down. It was easy to get lost in all the grief. To swim in every sorrow that came along. Lose all hope in the face of adversity. What made it all so hard to deal with was not knowing how to keep the past at bay.

Ever present and all powerful. Eating away at walls built specifically to keep it out.

Shepard closed her eyes and took one more inhale, deep as she could. Waiting for anyone to say anything, but they never did…

Almost an hour had passed before Garrus came down and saw her sitting there. Legs crossed, palms over knees. He made sure to walk heavy and heard. It was easy for him to startle her nowadays with how distracted she would get. Often staring off into who knows what horror of the past.

Once behind her, Garrus lowered down to sit, opening his legs to put them around hers and pull her into an embrace.

Together they sat in front of old friends, saying nothing, breathing as one. What forever could be, paled in comparison to that time they sat. Shepard finally fell asleep. And for the first time in over three months, she didn't wake up screaming.