Monster Duo
A/N: Considering there's only one more chapter left for Nirvana, I decided to put this out there. This is a compilation, mostly fluff and a little smut here and there. Updates are irregular, depending on whether or not I have ideas regarding installments for this collection of Okikagu moments. Of course, requests are acceptable as well, as long as it stays true to the AU and concept of the fic.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama.
Chapter 1: Pads
"Listen, remember to get the ones that have wings, alright?"
Sougo wasn't all that focused on the stern and reminding tone of his girlfriend on the other line of the phone, his gaze downcasted to the floor as he attempted to avoid looking directly into the eyes of the other customers in the women's store – all of which were females, either preoccupied in indulging in gossiping whispers to themselves and giving him weird looks or girlishly giggling behind their hands in the most conspicuous fashion possible as they comprehended the reason of him being there.
His cheeks burned a bright scarlet as a surge of blood rushed to his head in pure embarrassment. For his habitually aloof demeanor, he was oddly immersed in racking nerves at the moment as he discerned that he was the only man in the store.
Kagura had gotten her period for the month, and Sougo was nothing short of a victim in the difficult predicament.
Due to the strict guidelines they were supposed to follow through with as a result of the current ongoing pandemic, he was forced to go and purchase sanitary pads for her when the idiot forgot to restock on the hygiene products needed before the lockdown took place. Online meetings replaced his previously day-to-day routine of attending work at a business company, and only one person was actually permitted to go out and buy necessities for the entire household in order to prevent the virus from spreading.
He would have demanded she acquire them herself, but with her screaming at him about the cons of leaking out blood in between her thighs in public and throwing bathroom supplies in his face, he was coerced into dealing with the embarrassment and running to the closest women's store for her.
He probably should be grateful that at least some stores were open during the lockdown and that not many women were present here as a result, but of course, the long string of curses directed at his airhead of a girlfriend refused to abate from the recesses of his mind.
Kagura's now high-pitched, irritated tone echoed in his ears, breaking him out of his vengeful reverie. "Oi, are you there, stupid sadist? You didn't croak already, did you? You'd better not come back home if you somehow contracted the virus. I don't feel like dying yet."
"Of course not, stupid. I ain't infected just yet. And even if I am, you can bet that I'll drag you down with me," he scoffed at her, ire fermenting in his gut as he threatened to glare holes at the large numbers and varieties of sanitary pads under his nose.
He was now at the hygiene department, but he was uncertain which one China would prefer. He was almost tempted to simply purchase just about anything, but knowing the little devil she would most likely insist he go buy the right choice and he would rather not relive the embarrassment.
And so, despite wanting to assert that she should go to hell for forcing him through this meddlesome errand, he instead repudiated his animosity in favor of patiently asking her, "What were you saying? Something about wings? What, do these things give your lower half the power to fly or something? Can you fly like Goku does on his Flying Nimbus?"
"What are you, a dummy?" came Kagura's incredulous retort before she let out a loud and exasperated sigh. "If I could fly like that, I would have gone to space and looked for Planet Frieza no. 79 rather than stay in this pandemic-polluted Earth. And I wouldn't bring you along."
Sougo felt nearly enticed to throw his phone to the floor, but upon reminding himself that this was his third iPhone this year, he decided against it. He did, however, shoot a withering look at one of the girls in the store who was busy laughing at his expense, a self-satisfied smirk tugging at his lips when the woman let out a terrified shriek before instantly quieting down and scurrying away from his heated glower.
"Yeah? Fine, whatever. Just don't forget to bring back home some souvenir," he formed the sarcastic response, cutting short whatever insult she was about to respond with as he shrewdly continued on with a more impatient tune in his voice, "Wings, huh? What do you need those for anyway? Can't I just get a random pack for you?"
"What's the point of having a variety of them if you can just buy whatever the hell you want, damn chihuahua?" Her angered growl resonated from the other line. "It's for comfort, idiot. That's what I'm comfortable with. I need pads with wings so that it's held in place and won't move around when I wear them."
He tried not to dwell on what would be moving around in fear of scarring his poor mind even further and instead alternated the subject, "Okay. What else?"
There was a pause as Kagura seemed to expel a disgruntled grunt, causing the sadist to suspect that she was now doubling over in pain on the toilet seat of their bathroom from a sudden attack of period cramps. A shuffling sound followed suit before she finally answered him, baritone oddly radiating with discomfort, "Make sure they're scented. Anego complains that scented pads make her itch down there, but I actually like them."
Sougo had to slow blink at that, confusion pooling in his head. "Why do you need them to have a fragrance, China? Don't tell me you smell fishy down there-"
He was briskly cut off with another infuriated snarl, the threat in her words menacing as she spat out the bitter reply, "Shut up, asshole. Do you want me to destroy your precious Sony PlayStation or something? Besides, you already know for yourself that I sure as hell don't smell like a dead fish in between my thighs. Now quit asking me questions and just get me the scented pads or else I'll burn your PSP to the ground."
At this point, Sougo felt two diverging types of emotions.
One was this: as the other customers' eyes proceeded to remain on his stature the entire time, he felt so ashamed of himself that the prospect of crawling into a hole and to never emerge ever again from said hole was beginning to become a more alluring notion. And second was that Kagura was starting to piss him off and it was prompting him to consider fleeing from the task at hand just to spite her.
She should be glad that he loved her. If it were anyone else, he most likely would have abandoned them in their suffering. Would probably even relish in watching them in agony in fact.
"Big words for someone who can't get her ass off the toilet seat because she doesn't want period blood to drip all over and is waiting for me to get her necessities for her," he responded in kind, annoyance shining through at her audacity to even pull an attempt at intimidating posturing in these circumstances. "Doesn't sound so scary when your fate literally lies in my capable hands, piggie. Want me to just drive back home right now and leave you to deal with your stupid period yourself? With that shitty attitude, staying in the toilet for a week would probably suit you."
It was pretty patent that Kagura was on the verge of showering him with a downpour of verbal abuse from the way she sputtered in shock at his choice of words and the barely audible grumbles of infuriation reverberating from the other line. He imagined her pressing her lips tight together in the way she habitually would whenever she had to pluck up some ounces of self-restraint not to articulate something insulting as she stayed silent for a while before eventually clearing her throat in what seemed to be an obvious endeavor to recoup her composure.
"Alright, alright. Don't get your panties in a bunch. That was a joke, okay? Jeez, men these days don't know how to appreciate a woman with a good sense of humor." She snorted at him and he could almost picture her digging through her nose for boogers at the same time she uttered the narcissistic and patronizing remark.
"Your sense of humor is about as good as that runny train of poop I shat out this morning," he drily told her, not surprised at all when she immediately started roaring at him in return.
"How dare you compare me to your runny diarrhea, sadist?! Want me to go out right now and piss all over your game console, you douche?!"
"You say that but I bet you can't even stand right now," he spoke all too knowingly, sarcasm and condescension heavy in the tune he endorsed. A triumphant smirk played on his lips when his girlfriend stumbled over her words yet again, a telltale sign that he was right. The slant of his mouth promptly faltered into a serious thin line, however, when he inquired, "Want me to go fetch some pain killers too? I know how grumpy you get when you're dealing with menstrual cramps, and I'd rather not get my ass kicked the moment I walk through the door when I get back home."
"…Yeah, that'd be great. Get some sukonbu as well while you're at it-"
"Out of the question," he instantly asserted in a firm voice, already having decided that he wasn't going to bust his ass searching for any stores that could feasibly be selling the pickled seaweed snack at a time like this. He went on before Kagura could begin a complaining spree, "Back to the topic of sanitary pads, China. Are there any more demands that you would like to add, madam?"
There was another delay in response as Kagura momentarily sneezed, the sound accompanied with the suspicious noise of her screaming out Michael Jackson's name in a poor attempt at creating sneezing sound effects. Another shuffling sound ensued before her slightly muffled voice finally answered, "Huh? Don't think so. I just want them to have wings and to be scented. And make sure to buy more than one pack. We need to have a stock of them at home, because I sure as hell ain't trying to catch a virus by going out."
He drew his lips tight into a thin smile. "So it's okay for your dutiful boyfriend to contract it instead? That's selfish of you-"
"Shuddup. I can't run to the store myself, okay? I know that you're rotten to the core, but try to be more understanding at least. You don't know how us women feel having to face this every month, so bite it and stop complaining-"
He ignored her and opted to continue nevertheless, "-and besides, you should have thought of stocking up before the lockdown even started. Now you've got me into this mess."
"Oh, cut the crap," she spat at him, "You're probably thinking of flirting with the cashier after I hang up anyway. How lucky of you to be surrounded by women during these trying times-"
Sougo immediately cut her short, his baritone stern. "I don't know what you're talking about. Why the hell would I be trying to get into another woman's pants when I already have you at home? Now shut up and stop acting like an insecure girlfriend, got that?"
She actually did shut up after that. He reckoned he managed to get her flustered to even speak so he took that opportunity to actually focus at the task at hand. After some contemplation, he eventually decided on a particular brand before reaching to grab at the flower-patterned and rosy-hued pack of sanitary pads.
He discovered a new hell in the form of trying to ignore the cashier's nosy questions as she kept probing him if the pads were for his girlfriend. Seriously, did the stupid bitch assume it would be for him? Who else would it be for? How laughable – and embarrassing.
When he finally got home, looking as if he had just escaped limbo, he unceremoniously threw the large plastic bags filled with a good few dozen of packs of sanitary pads to the bathroom floor.
Kagura blinked at him before darting her gaze to the pads and blinking at them. She did this repeatedly, averting her eyes to him and the hygiene products in a back and forth manner before slowly forming the words,
"I forgot to tell you. I don't really wear Center-In pads. I prefer Laurier Slim Guard because they're more absorbent-"
He didn't bother listening to her finish, flinging the other bag of pain killers to her face before promptly closing the bathroom door behind him and keeping it shut with a table serving as a barricade soon after.
Sougo flopped down in front of the TV and connected it to his Sony PlayStation to tune out the sounds of her hollering obscene insults at him as his latest save of the Resident Evil 7: Biohazard game greeted his sight through the blinding screen.