Author Note: I will be using #(character's name) to denote changes in the point of view. This story starts out in Sasuke's point of view, so it's #Sasuke :) Boys are into boys in this fic~ If that disturbs you, then carry on, yo. I got no tolerance for you and don't want you here anyway.
Warnings:
—Rape. Not in detail, but it is present. I try to keep it simple.
—Suicide attempt as well as suicidal ideation. Also fairly simple.
—Death. I won't say who dies or when but at least one person does die.
—Physical abuse/torture. Some details do get a bit uncomfortable.
—Profanity, violence, & possible nudity. Hence the M rating!
#Sasuke
My eyes roll as this woman tries desperately to get my attention, and I feel no shame. After completing their rounds enough to be clear but not dramatic, my eyes roll up to peer at the woman's face so I can offer her a blank stare. Leaving no room for interpretation—because she must understand that I am entirely unmoved by her—I evenly say the truth as plain and simple as it is. "I'm not interested."
Either she's too self-absorbed in her infatuation with me to even realize I've shut her down, or she just doesn't care. Either way, she goes on talking. Her tone even perks up, as if she's pleased that I've finally acknowledged her. This reaction is not unfamiliar to me, but it baffles me each time I encounter it nevertheless. How can someone take such a direct statement and interpret it with such ambiguity?
My attention lingers—unnaturally blonde hair, obnoxiously red lips, revealing ensemble. She's like an animal ready to mate, flaunting what she believes to be her best attributes. Like a peacock in full strut, she thinks I've been checking her out. Her eyes and lips start to smolder and smirk as she turns her sexual volume all the way up while I'm paying some attention directly to her.
Again, she's misinterpreting my intentions. I chuckle to myself. What if this woman knew what I was really thinking? If she'd taken the words I've deigned to speak to her thus far for exactly what they were, then she'd be on the right track. Alas, she's either deeply daft or arrogant enough to believe she can change the tides. If only she saw just how purely objective this fragile intrigue that she's stricken up in me was. What if she understood herself as nothing more than the data she truly is to me? After all, she's just another statistic, another nameless tally on any number of various lists: "people I never care to see again," "uninteresting human beings who've trapped me in one-sided conversations," "women wholly unattractive to me." All the purpose she can serve me has already been expended, so my eyes roll once more. My gaze flickers away from her face, and I leave her to her own devices again.
My fingers pick up where they left off, flipping through plastic case after plastic case as I read the names of bands I'm familiar with on the search for those I'm not. My subconscious mind flags something the woman I'm trying to forget about has just said, so I automatically turn my focus back to her against my better judgment. She perks up again and starts talking about something else entirely, which snuffs out my intrigue in the matter of a split second. I'm willing to bet she was just rattling off topics in an attempt to secure my undivided attention again. If only silent bets to myself were worth anything. I'd be rich. Then again, I sort of already am.
My eyes roll for what feels like the billionth time, except this time I end up sighing. The sigh is unintentional, but I guess I just can't contain my utter exasperation with her. She takes that last gesture of mine—and everything else in this sequence of events thus far—entirely wrong and gives me a little insight into what things look like from her perspective.
"I can see that you're shy," she says only after leaning so close to me that I can feel her breath on my damn ear. Her fingers slip just underneath the hem of my shirt to tickle the small of my back at the same time. "But I can—" she begins, but I don't pause to hear the rest. I cut her off with a sharp nudge of my elbow to recreate a more comfortable barrier of space and brush her hand away from me.
I don't see her reaction because I'm too busy not giving a fuck at this point. My mouth opens, and I intend to tell her to very simply go the fuck away, but I'm interrupted by a third party before I can even begin.
"Sasuke!" a familiar voice calls out as if both surprised and pleased to see me. If he weren't my closest friend, even I would fail to see that his attitude was actually rehearsed. "Don't ignore me, you bastard! Get over here!" he says in the friendly way that friends, I guess, do.
I don't even glance at what's-her-name. I just turn, and I leave. Suigetsu holds his arm out to me as if eagerly awaiting my arrival at his side. Once I get close enough, he throws his arm around my shoulders and falls into step beside me.
"What'd the poor girl do?" he asks in a playful tone. I can't help but smirk, mostly because his mood is so uplifting.
"She crossed a barrier," I say, shrugging his arm off of me. I toss him a pointed glance. "She touched me."
He clicks his tongue in disapproval and points out, "I was just touching you."
One of my eyebrows raises. Did he not yet understand the pointed glance? "And now you're not."
"Yeah, and it didn't take an elbow to the ribs either," he argues without missing a beat.
I look over at his expression to see that he's amused by my "painfully hilarious lack of social etiquette," as he often phrases it, but he's a good actor. The slight crinkling of his forehead alerts me that he's likely more concerned about that girl's feelings than he'll openly admit to me. He'll probably gaze back at her in sympathy and mouth apologies when he thinks I'm not gonna notice, if he hasn't already. I just shrug and look away, for his eyes are sure to reveal the truth the longer I stare into them. In this case, the truth does me no good. So why bother getting tangled up in it? Indulge too long, and Sui might think I actually care.
"Do the feelings of people that care about you really mean so little?" Sui says flippantly. He's still trying to cover his real feelings on the matter with a thin veil of amusement.
"I guess so," just falls from my lips. I don't even have to hesitate before answering.
The silence that follows is awkward. We both feel the weight of an allusion neither of us is really willing to address directly. Suigetsu breaks the silence with, "Are you even capable of love, Sasuke?" His voice is soft, and I know his eyes would be vulnerable if I looked… so I don't. My reaction is a shift of my eyes. They look down, a telling sign of guilt that he's never been good enough at reading me to recognize.
Suigetsu scoffs again, but his tone isn't very amused this time. "You're too apathetic, Sasuke." By the change in sound, I can tell he's not looking at me anymore. I feel relieved. His eyes always create an awkward pressure that's hard for me to manipulate. "You need feelings."
"I need to eat," I say, taking full advantage of the lull in tension to change the subject. I look up at Suigetsu, who looks back up at me, and quirk my brow in a silent invitation.
At the end of the day, Suigetsu knows that he's the only friend I have. He's the only person I ever extend invitations to because he's the only person I've invested in enough to desire. A rare few are worth my company, but they're not gonna be getting any late-night calls from me, or really any calls at all. They expect me to be responsive, but they don't expect me to initiate anything. That's just me—apathetic toward all but one, maybe two. Suigetsu occasionally gets me to be emotionally moved, but that area of expertise belongs almost solely to my sister Keiko. In truth, Suigetsu comes second to only her.
Maybe he empathizes with all the women, and occasional men, who proposition me. Maybe he understands them more than I ever could, but he also understands me. He sees the Sasuke he loves emerging from the cold shadow he sometimes starts to see me as, and he knows that he's the only person privileged enough to see that side of me. Even Keiko loses sight of the true me these days, so Sui just smiles and says, "I could eat." And we eat.
"I'll walk you home," Suigetsu suggests.
I wave my hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it."
A funk has lingered over him all evening. He's been ignoring it, but it's reared its head a time or two and, to be honest, that kind of melancholy in a human being is simply boring. I do wish to be delicate with Suigetsu, so I won't say that so plainly. There's an earnest glimmer to his eyes though. He's too eager to let it be, but we both know that I'm not handy with emotions.
"Go home Suigetsu," I say softly. This is as delicate as I can be.
That unsolicited mood strikes again and dims the brightness in Suigetsu's eyes. He nods and completely loses track of his fake smile, gaze falling away and lips pulling tight as he tries to keep from saying all the things he knows I don't wanna hear. He locks eyes with me one last time, clapping me on the shoulder bro-style and bidding me a distant yet warm goodnight.
He turns and walks away so promptly that I end up saying my goodnight to his back, but I don't really mind that. The less time I spend looking into his 'I just might cry right now' eyes, the better. I dislike being moved, and his emotions are especially moving. I need to get them out of my head and off of my chest. After all, I'm not responsible for Suigetsu's struggles. I'm responsible for not only my own but for Keiko's too. I have to maintain a certain level of objectivity in my life in order to fulfill those responsibilities, so Suigetsu must often be swept to the side. He knew the terms when he befriended me. It's up to him to deal with them on his own, not me.
I turn my back and start walking in the opposite direction as Suigetsu. I consider my options and glance at my wristwatch. If I rush, I could catch the last bus on my route, but I decide that I'd rather mosey. The walk isn't obnoxiously long, but it's no quick sprint either, so I pull my headphones up from around my neck and seal myself off from the world. I pull out my phone and unlock it, choosing the shuffle option on my favorite playlist and letting the spontaneity of destiny inspire my mood.
'Honestly, why are my clothes out on the street?'
I smirk. An upbeat song is exactly what I need right now.
'Honestly, I think you've lost your mind,' I sing timidly as I turn a corner on my long walk back to my apartment near campus. I'm just getting warmed up.
'I can't believe I came home to find my car keyed. Honestly, I'm way too tired to fight.'
My mind flickers to Suigetsu and the words resonate. I am way too tired to fight. I start singing louder now, really committing to the lyrics.
'Imma go 'cause I got no problem with saying goodbye.'
I smile wide because I know I nailed that high note. Although I'm a music major, I wasn't born a savant. The truth is that my talent was always mediocre at best. It's Keiko who's lived the dream. She's always been an artist in many ways. She expresses herself best through music, though, especially the piano. One flawless audition and she was accepted into an arts university on a full-ride scholarship, not that she needed it.
She did need me, though, and I needed her. I used to hum along to her piano playing when we were younger. She always enjoyed it, so she encouraged me to explore it. Singing is just something I was alright at, so I paid the school to accept me like all the other mediocre students. The little bit of guidance I've received so far has taught me wonders though.
'Is it wrong that I'm gonna be having the time of my life?' I sing, thinking that I truly am having the time of my life all by myself. Why is it that I can never feel this excitable around other human beings? I guess I get close with Keiko, even more so with Suigetsu sometimes…
Rain starts to fall, but it doesn't really bother me. I mumble the next few lines as I check my bag for an umbrella. Of course I don't have one, but the chorus is coming up and it feels so perfect right now, so I say, "Fuck it!"
'I'm gonna party tonight.' By myself, in the fucking rain! 'Cause honestly, I just don't care!' I shout. My body moves to the beat all on its own. Another talent that I sort of have, but not really. Dancing and singing both require rhythm, so it's no wonder they came hand in hand. I'm not dancing smooth moves right now though. I'm dancing like I just got out of the shower, my favorite song is on full blast, and all I wanna do is let loose and flail my body around like a crazy person. Because, well, what can I say? I mean…
'Honestly, I just don't care!' I belt out wholeheartedly because I truly don't care. I am so content on my own like this. It's the only true peace I think I've ever known. I'm dancing down the sidewalk like a moron, and I still don't care.
My mouth is split into a stupid grin, even though it's full-on raining now, and I'm singing the Na Na's so loud that I bet even the chick back at that shop can hear me, but I'm not worried because I know I'm hitting the notes like a champion. Of course, I don't actually expect anyone to be listening, so I jump pretty dramatically when I hear a voice cut through the catchy beat.
"Oi!" I spin around as quickly as I can, clutching at my chest and snatching my headphones off my head. I squint at the figure approaching me, but I can't recognize them right away. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you," the guy says.
I wave a dismissive hand. "S'fine..."
I'm not really tempted to talk. I'd much rather continue this date with my music, but he has another idea.
"Where ya headed? I'll walk you there," he offers politely.
"You don't have to," I say, trying to be polite as well, but I sort of hope he insists. Now that the music isn't egging me on anymore, I find that I really do care about the rain. It's cold, and I'm only wearing a hoodie.
"I insist," he says. He's close now, so I can see him a lot better. He's wearing washed-out jeans, red converse, and an orange hoodie.
"Thanks," I say as he reaches me and I duck under the umbrella. He keeps walking on without interrupting his step, and I like that, actually.
He turns to me, smiles, and says, "I like your moves."
I actually blush. This is not to keep from looking like a prick. This is not an attempt at shyness. This is honest-to-god embarrassment. Those were my 'alone on a dark street at night' moves, not my 'stranger accidentally watching me from behind' moves. I curse myself for blushing. His blue eyes and blond hair inspire me to groan internally. He's exactly the kind of male tail that I'd chase if I were chasing, and I might have actually considered chasing if I wasn't so embarrassed that he saw me acting so wholly un-Sasuke-like.
"Your singing was pretty good too," he adds.
I take the reprieve and smile. Of course it was. "Thanks," I say, trying to sound humble. I know my singing is above par now, but I don't wanna sound like an arrogant asshole about it.
"So, where ya headed?" he repeats.
"You don't have to take me all the way." I mean it that time. It's a long walk.
"I will though," he says with a smile.
I can't help but smile back. "53rd. Building H."
"Perfect!" he exclaims. "It's right on my way." I can't really tell if he's lying just to keep me from arguing or not, but I think I'll rather enjoy his company so I roll with it. "You're a student then?" he asks. I nod and hum affirmatively. "What's your major?"
"Music," I say with a slightly sheepish smile.
He smiles back. "I should've guessed."
"What about you?" I ask.
"Art," he answers, and I find that rather attractive. I totally pinned him as the artsy type right away.
"I'm jealous." It's partly true and partly me indulging in him.
"No," he denies dramatically, "I'm jealous of you. Not just anyone is born with a knack for that kinda stuff. Your voice is truly phenomenal."
I'm a bit flustered by his compliment. "Nah," I say. It's almost a stutter. "Art is a real talent."
"They both are," he offers as a resolution, and I nod to agree. "In any case. What's your name?"
"Sasuke," I say. I watch him expectantly, silently prompting him to share his own name.
"I'm Naruto," he offers. And instead of exchanging stupid handshakes, we simply exchange smiles. I like that too.