This is my slightly angsty contribution for Day 4 of Sylorenz Week, for the prompt Family and Duty! The song that goes with this chapter is I Don't Wanna Lose You by Jamestown Story. Thanks for reading!
It was mid-morning at the Gloucester Estate, which was normally a calm and peaceful time. Today, however, that tranquility was interrupted when Sylvain burst out of his and Lorenz's bedchambers and slammed the door behind him, before stalking off with heavy footsteps down the hallway.
"Gods damn it, Lorenz…" Sylvain grumbled as he headed in the direction of the courtyard to get some fresh air and cool his head. This wasn't the first time he and Lorenz had an argument, but none before had gotten quite so heated and hurtful.
They had been happily married for two years now, and living together to jointly govern Gloucester territory. Most of the time they got along swimmingly, engaging in harmless teasing and friendly banter instead of arguing. However, there was one subject that was a continuous source of tension, and that tension had finally come to a head today.
Sylvain had always wanted to start a family of his own, and Lorenz had told him the same before they had gotten married. However, whenever Sylvain tried to bring up finally adopting, Lorenz would always make a flimsy excuse as to why they should wait and brush him off. This had been going on for months now, and Sylvain had finally had enough.
After bringing up the subject today and being brushed off by Lorenz yet again, Sylvain finally lost his patience and demanded to know exactly why he was so against starting a family. Lorenz had tried to deflect the question, but Sylvain wouldn't budge this time, and the resulting argument had them saying pretty hurtful things to each other, and Sylvain was already feeling pretty shitty and regretful about it.
Sylvain found himself out in the courtyard before he knew it, and he took a deep breath through his nose and let it out slowly, the pleasant smell of the various flowers flooding his senses. He wandered to the center, where the roses that he and Lorenz had planted together when they had first gotten married were thriving. They were in a variety of colors, but the most prominent were purple and orange, symbolizing their devotion to each other. Sylvain let out a deep sigh as his eyes narrowed at the beautiful flowers, and he really wasn't feeling like he deserved to be a part of this symbol of devotion at this particular moment.
"Sylvain, dearie, if you keep on staring so intensely at those roses, why, I do think they might actually catch on fire."
Jerking his head up, Sylvain saw that he was not alone, and a small smile crossed his face. Sitting on a small bench next to the rose garden was one of the maids who served House Gloucester, Evelyn. She had been hired before Lorenz had been born, and continued to work for them even as Lorenz took on the position of Count.
"Ah, Evelyn! How's my favorite gal doing today?" Sylvain asked as he approached her. He winked as he dropped to one knee before her and gently took her hand, placing a light kiss on her knuckles. "I must say, you are looking especially radiant today. You've really got to teach me your secret. You don't look a day over twenty-five!"
"Oh, you young flatterer you." Evelyn chuckled as she gently pulled her wrinkled hand from Sylvain's and gave him a few pats on the head. "But that will get you nowhere. My heart already belongs to my wonderful wife."
"Yep! And I know she'd kill me for flirting with you, so let's just keep this between us, alright?" Sylvain said, and he was only half-kidding. Evelyn's wife was the former Knight Captain of House Gloucester, and she still helped train new recruits even at her ripe old age, so Sylvain wasn't too sure about his odds in a fight against her.
"Now, come sit." Evelyn set her knitting needles in her lap and patted the open spot next to her on the bench. "And do tell me what is bothering you."
"Oh, ah-ha, nothing's bothering me-"
"Sylvain, hun, I've known you long enough by now to know that you always use flirting to distract yourself from your problems. Especially when your target is a little old lady like me." Evelyn chuckled when Sylvain let out a defeated sigh; he should know by now that she could see right through him. He sat down and propped his elbows on his knees, resting his chin in his hands as his gaze fell to the ground.
"It's just...Lorenz and I had a fight." Sylvain's voice was quiet as the unpleasant event played out in his mind again.
"Oh? That's hardly out of the ordinary. You two are always bickering about something."
"Sure, but that's just playful banter." Sylvain leaned against the back of the bench and rubbed at his temples. "This time I...really lost my temper, and we both said some really...shitty things to each other."
"I'm sorry, dear," Evelyn said, reaching over to place her hand over Sylvain's, "Please, tell me what happened, if you don't mind." Sylvain normally would mind, but he had come to realize that Evelyn was a very easy person to vent to, and he found himself spilling all of the details to her.
"Well, Lorenz and I have been married for two years now, and we've always talked about wanting to raise a family together. But every time I bring up actually adopting our first kid, he just...brushes me off with excuses that don't make sense."
"I don't know what to do. I just...want him to tell me why, and I want to help him work through whatever is holding him back." Sylvain's heart clenched as he bit his lip, trying to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. "I hate knowing that he's suffering in silence. I love him so much, but I don't know how to help him if he won't let me…"
Evelyn was silent for a moment, before she let out a long sigh and closed her eyes. She hummed in contemplation and then nodded her head, before she turned and looked Sylvain straight in the eye.
"I think I may have an inkling as to why Lorenz is hesitant to start a family." Sylvain's eyes went wide as he waited for Evelyn to continue. "I have known him since he was born, and I watched him grow up under the influence of his father. It was...not an easy thing to see."
"I can imagine it…" Sylvain mumbled, his eyes narrowing into a glare. It was no secret that the former Count Gloucester was a giant asshole. He was similar to Sylvain's own father; very caught up with appearances, selfishly concerned with his own territory instead of Fódlan as a whole, and trying to force his son to follow directly in his footsteps. Sylvain had managed to keep his distance from his father's influence, but from what Lorenz had told him, his own father had done a good job brainwashing him from an early age, and Sylvain was just glad that he had been able to eventually break free from it before it was too late.
"When Lorenz's mother died, I was assigned as his nanny to watch over him when his father couldn't. I tried my best to shield him from his father's strictness and anger, but I had to toe that line very carefully," Evelyn continued, letting out a deep sigh, "If I overstepped and was fired, then I wouldn't have been able to protect Lorenz at all, but watching him endure the abuse that I couldn't stop was heart-wrenching."
"With that being said, I think the reason for Lorenz's hesitation...is fear."
"Fear?" Sylvain blinked at Evelyn, raising an eyebrow at her.
"Yes." A soft smile crossed her face as she placed a hand on Sylvain's arm. "I think he is afraid of becoming like his father, and putting an innocent child through the same abuse that he endured. You and I both know that he would never do such a thing, but I'm sure that the damage his father did is not easily forgotten."
Sylvain's hands clenched into fists as he stared down at his lap. That...really made a lot of sense. Sylvain had issues with his own father all his life, but he couldn't really imagine how hard it was for Lorenz to grow up trying to be like his father, only to find out what a selfish dickhead he was. He let out a defeated sigh and held his head in his hands.
"Shit...now I really feel like an asshole…" Sylvain grumbled, dragging a hand over his face, "He just...seemed so different, so much more confident and independent from his father after those five years of war. I just didn't even think that he would still be struggling so much with his father's bullshit after all this time."
Evelyn smiled and shook her head. "You were not totally wrong, Sylvain. Attending the Officer's Academy did wonders for Lorenz. His fathers influence was questioned, and he was finally able to form his own opinions," she said, a bright smile crossing her face as she chuckled.
"I remember when he returned here after the war began, ranting and raving about this insufferable son of Gautier who challenged him and was a general nuisance. But I could practically see the gears turning in his head, and I knew you had something to do with that change when Lorenz started to stand up to his father." Evelyn took one of Sylvain's hands in hers as tears welled up in his eyes. "You really did help him to become a better person, Sylvain."
Sylvain barked out a laugh as a few tears ran down his cheeks. "What, by competing in stupid flirting competitions?"
"Well, we all make mistakes in our youth. Although, I might not be able to attribute that to youth if you keep on flirting with me all of the time, my dear."
"Ouch." Sylvain winced and rubbed at the back of his neck. "You sure don't pull any punches, do you?"
"Only for you, Sylvain." Evelyn waved a nonchalant hand at him. "Now, do go and make up with your husband, dearie. But do try to be quiet about it this time. You two are always so loud when you're making lo-"
"Okay I'll go do that now!" Sylvain felt his face heat up considerably as he cut Evelyn off, and she giggled while she picked up her knitting needles again. She may look like a sweet innocent old lady, but Sylvain knew that Evelyn was really good at embarrassing him when he least expected it.
Sylvain stood up and made to leave, but he paused and turned back to Evelyn. He leaned down and gave her a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. "Thanks, Evelyn. For your advice, and for looking out for Lorenz for all those years."
When he pulled away, Evelyn smiled and nodded her head slightly. "It was the least I could do, Sylvain. I must thank you as well, for loving Lorenz for who he is and being patient with him."
"Don't worry. He makes it pretty damn easy to love him," Sylvain said softly as he smiled. He waved goodbye to Evelyn over his shoulder as he left the courtyard and made a bee-line to his and Lorenz's room.
Sylvain moved to grab the handle, but he paused when it turned on its own, and he had to jump backwards to avoid being hit as the door swung outward. Lorenz stepped out of the room, obviously not paying attention as he ran straight into Sylvain.
"Oh! Sylvain…" Lorenz said, blinking with wide eyes as Sylvain caught him by the shoulders.
"Ah, hey babe…" Sylvain said, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Were you...going somewhere?"
"Well, yes, I was actually...going to find you." Lorenz frowned as he averted his gaze, and Sylvain let out a small chuckle as he reached out to take one of Lorenz's hands.
"Great minds think alike, eh?"
Lorenz cracked a smile at that, and he entwined their fingers together. "I guess so, darling."
"Um, I need to talk to you," Sylvain said, and Lorenz nodded in response and allowed Sylvain to lead him back into their room. They moved to sit on the edge of their bed, and Sylvain took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he ran his free hand through his hair.
"I'm...really sorry Lorenz, for losing my cool like that," Sylvain said, looking Lorenz in the eye, "I just...you've always told me that you want to raise a family with me, but whenever I actually bring up finally adopting some kids, you just kinda...brush it off and make excuses as to why we should wait. I...want to hear the real reason that you're so hesitant."
Lorenz was silent for a moment, his gaze falling to their entwined hands, and Sylvain frowned when he felt Lorenz's start to tremble. Lorenz sighed and looked back up at Sylvain, his eyes watery with unshed tears.
"I really do want to start a family with you, so badly that it hurts," he said, sniffing as a few tears escaped and slowly fell down his face, "It's just...I'm terrified, Sylvain."
"Why?" Sylvain covered Lorenz's shaky hand with his free one and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Whatever the answer is, just know that it will not make me love you any less, alright?"
Lorenz nodded slowly as he took a deep, shaky breath, and Sylvain reached up to gently wipe away the tears that stained his cheeks. "When I look back on my childhood, at what my father put me through, I am often amazed that I was able to ultimately break free from his influence."
"But, with that being said, the fear of falling back into that influence, of hurting my own children like he hurt me, is always gnawing at the back of my mind." Lorenz paused as he choked out a sob, "What if...What if I become just like him? I-I would never forgive myself for doing that to an innocent child…E-Especially my own..."
Sylvain's heart hurt as he watched his beloved husband finally break down completely, and he quickly wrapped his arms around Lorenz, letting him cry against his chest. Evelyn had been spot-on with her assumptions about Lorenz's reasons for being so hesitant to raise a family, and Sylvain would have to thank her again for the advice. Now, he needed to put that advice to good use.
When Lorenz finally composed himself, he pulled away and placed his hands on Sylvain's shoulders as he spoke, "I'm so sorry, Sylvain...You must think that I'm a terrible husband. You deserve so much better than me-"
Sylvain couldn't stand this kind of talk coming from the man that he loved so much, so he shut him up in the best way possible as his lips covered Lorenz's, making sure to pour all of his love and affection into this one tender kiss. Lorenz hesitated only for a moment before Sylvain felt him relax. He clung to him desperately, as if he was afraid that Sylvain would disappear if he lessened his grip even a little bit.
Sylvain was the first to pull away, and he held his finger up to Lorenz's lips when he opened his mouth. "Ah, it's my turn to speak, hun. Please." Lorenz stared at him for a moment before nodding slowly, and Sylvain took the time to gently wipe away the trails of moisture left on Lorenz's face by his tears.
"Lorenz, thank you for telling me why you're hesitant to start a family," Sylvain started as he took both of Lorenz's hands and gave them a gentle squeeze, "I know you've had a hard childhood, dealing with that dickhead of a father of yours." Sylvain smiled when Lorenz let out a soft chuckle, and he reached up with one hand to cup his cheek, using his thumb to brush away a few fresh tears that ran down his cheek.
"I can kinda relate to what you went through; my family wasn't exactly stellar either." Sylvain's eyes darkened when the things that his own family put him through flashed through his mind. "But, we both managed to break away from the shitty influences of our fathers, and I also know that fear of becoming like them all too well."
"R-Really? You...worry about that too?" Lorenz asked softly, and Sylvain nodded as he ran his hand through his husband's beautiful, soft hair.
"Yes, but I don't have to dwell on it for long, because I have something that my father didn't have and will never have: You." Lorenz's eyes went wide at that, and Sylvain placed a light kiss on his lips. "I have you, my beloved husband, to love me and support me, and to tell me when I'm being a total idiot." Lorenz laughed at that, and the sound was enough to cause Sylvain's heart to swell with happiness.
"And I will always do the same for you, love. That's what sharing a life with someone else is all about, right?" Sylvain lifted Lorenz's left hand to his mouth and placed a chaste kiss onto his wedding ring. "I know damn well that you will never become your father, Lorenz, but if there was even a chance of that happening, I wouldn't let you go even one step down that path, I promise you that."
"Sylvain..." Lorenz lifted a hand to his own face as he started crying again."T-Thank you...I'm sorry for ever doubting you, my love. I let my fears get the better of me. I want nothing more than to raise a beautiful family with you. I love you so much." A bright smile crossed Sylvain's face as he hugged Lorenz until he composed himself again.
"I love you too, babe." Sylvain pressed his forehead against Lorenz's and cupped his face. "Well, we have another day off tomorrow, what do you think about paying a visit to the orphanage? It's almost time to drop off our donations anyway so we can just take them a bit early this time."
"I would love that, darling."
Sylvain gazed deep into those beautiful amethyst eyes for a moment, before he closed the distance between them and kissed Lorenz. He never imagined that he would ever find someone who he loved as much as he loved Lorenz, and Sylvain wouldn't have it any other way.
When they eventually parted, a sly smile crossed Sylvain's face, and Lorenz raised a suspicious eyebrow at him. "Well, now that that's out of the way, what do you say we get to the fun part of making up?" Sylvain asked, his voice dropping low as he kissed his way along Lorenz's jaw and down his neck.
Lorenz shivered against his lips, and he placed his hand over Sylvain's face, pushing him away. As he rolled his eyes, Lorenz suddenly grabbed Sylvain's arms and pushed him onto the bed on his back. Sylvain's eyes widened with surprise when Lorenz loomed over him with a mischievous grin on his face.
"You are such a horny degenerate, Sylvain."
Sylvain barked out a laugh as he placed a quick kiss on the tip of Lorenz's nose. "But I'm your horny degenerate, babe!" Lorenz let out a chuckle himself as he took one of Sylvain's hands and entwined their fingers together, before leaning down, his lips brushing against Sylvain's as he spoke.
"Yes, you most certainly are. Now, and forever, my beloved." Lorenz kissed Sylvain again, and they soon were lost in the incredible amount of love that they were all too eager to give to each other.