Shattered Dreams

I was hopelessly in love. There was no relief, there was no remedy left for me. I was riding the wildest waves of unrequited love. My beloved had no idea how deep I had fallen for him. I spent all my free time in contemplation of my beloved. I felt no need for reciprocation but one look from him could bring me back to life. I was always in fear of disappointing him. I was yearning to be in his presence. I told myself, some of him is better than nothing at all.

But tonight, I was trying to hold myself strong. For what was a tough night for lovers like me, was a special moment in his life. He was getting married to the love of his life, after all. I dragged my feet to my door and looked up at the mirror beside the entrance of my house. My face looked tainted and in a frozen trance. I looked lost, utterly devastated. I tried to pull a smile, the fake display that must reflect over me.

A loud car horn shaked me out of my trance. Garcia was already here to pick me up. I knew I couldn't drive safely tonight. Hence, she was the driver tonight after I excused myself with a lame reason earlier. I was distubed all day imagining how I would be seeing him dress up as a groom for someone else, kissing someone else, dancing with someone else. I rushed out, dressed in all black, as if going to a funeral.

The drive to the wedding venue was rather boring. Garcia cheered endlessly about the bride's dress, the decor and other things. I paid no attention. I was mostly looking out the window watching the world go by. Couldn't someone see the storm that was uplifting inside me? I had loved that man for years now and this all seemed unfair. How could he never understand why I called him pretty boy, or why I always sat beside him in the jet, or the hair ruffles I always initiated? Why couldn't he see why I loved taking him out for drinks, or offering to give him car rides, or buy him coffee and donuts every chance I got? Why couldn't he simply see me stare at him or the longing behind them? Was he really that oblivious to me and my love?

"Hi Love! Where are you lost? Are you even listening to me?" Garcia's voice suddenly brought me back to the car ride. I was lost, as always, in thoughts of Spencer. At least, he was all mine in my thoughts, only mine to think about.

"Sorry baby girl, I am right here?" I said and she went on again to a train of never ending gibberish. At least, that's what it sounded like. I couldn't hear anything properly tonight. I was in another world, in another time, trying to understand what went wrong.

At last, we reached the venue which was all dressed in white roses. The ceremony was a small intimate one with only a few close relatives and friends. The rest of the BAU gang was already present there. The garden was lit with twinkling lights and light music. The floral scent was spread over the place which instantly pulled the guests to a serene place. The ambiance was romantic and it tugged the strings of my heart a little too harshly.

"Right on time guys!" I heard his chirpy voice before I could turn around to see him. Reid was literally jumping while standing in the spot right in front of me and Garcia. He looked happy and handsome as ever. His hair neatly done for once, the suit perfectly his size and hung him in just the right places. He looked eternal, a prince charming straight out of a fairytale. He was smiling, bigger than ever before.

"OHHHH, you can't contain your excitement" Garcia teasingly poked him with her elbow.

"I am more nervous than excited at this point," he answered. He then looked at me and suddenly all the pains, the heartache, the storm, the sadness dulled. My heart started to pound mercilessly. He could undo me with such one look.

"Morgan, what happened to you? You look depressed. Is it because I beat you to the married club clan?" He laughed a little and flowers started to blossom inside the dry desert of my heart. I smiled back. I love him so much to not feel happy when he is happy.

"I am quite hurt tonight," I admitted and just like always he understood nothing and gave his shy smile.

"Lucky me" he signed. JJ came out of nowhere to suddenly grab his arm.

"Let's go, hurry, the bride is dying to make an entrance" She said and he practically ran away. He couldn't get there any faster. I wanted him to stay here a little longer, talk to me and be near me. I gulped the bile that started too quickly.

So started the ceremony of butchering my love story, taking my Spencer away and handing him over to another. She walked the aisle, each step towards him was hell for me. I was literally choking up in tears now. People probably thought I had happy tears but my eyes were burning with the longing for him. I wanted him for myself, with me, in my house, in my life. I wanted to marry him and raise a family. I wanted to take him to Chicago every christmas. I wanted to kiss him slowly and passionately, then needily. I wanted to touch him until he was mine and mine alone. I wanted to make love with him, day and night, again and again. I wanted my life to be spent ravishing him, enjoying him and eventually winning him over.

The scene in front of me blurred. The tears were trying to buffer the burning. I couldn't watch my dreams, my longing and my love exchange vows with her. I didn't know when my sniffles turned into louder sobs. I couldn't hold back the pain that has been building up for years. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. Garcia worriedly grabbed my shoulder and looked into my eyes. The shock on her face was evident of the pain I was radiating.

"You may now kiss your bride" I heard.

I abruptly stood up. It was too much now. I ran out while everyone cheered and clapped in the background. I made my way to the table serving drinks. I grabbed the whole bottle and walked out to the parking lot. My tears dared not stop!

"Derek, derek…" I hear Garcia chasing me.

I quickly opened the bottle with my mouth and started to gulp down the bitter liquid. The pain needed to wash down! I needed to be numb. I must be, otherwise how else could I endure this. I waved back at Garcia, signalling her to stop.

"NO-NOT tonight….let me be alone" I pleaded and she nodded while crying. In the moment, she understood everything. I drank some more and more after that until all sobriety escaped. I spent the rest of the evening drunk, not knowing what was happening around me. At one moment I was laughing loudly and at another moment crying. I made a fool of myself completely. But I didn't care. This was just the beginning of the end.