Amber: Smiling Through It
She had been smiling during the whole trip and loved to fly especially when she could cut the straps, remove herself from the glider and all the pain would be gone. The failures of her life would be nothing more then dust in the void.
People had been worried whenever she would bring up her emotions and then the traveler showed up and had been with her as they started their expedition. Going through that she had been able to see the lands of her home and begin to fight for the title of being the greatest outrider, and that had all been in great, some of the knights returned like Eula and she was thrilled but there was something that had begun to bother her.
Well, more like poison her mindset for as much as she could say she was good and was a capable flier. She had been in a place that things were getting much darker mentally and there was enough of the problem that others had she could not even find the way to talk about it if she wanted to.
First, had been the thoughts if she could just take the hit of some bigger enemies and how she would yearn for the void she would be in as she slept. Where some would think of great sunsets or waterfalls she had come to the point that her favorite was right behind her eyes. Cool, dark void as far as could be found and she was in it all waiting for the next moment where she pulled from it and sent to deal with whatever the city and the knights had asked to deal with.
Then in the darkest moment she would think of the sword coming down or the blazing axe falling on her form wondering how much she can deal with before body would expire for good. It had been something that some of the most intelligent had noticed as Lisa had been one to keep an eye on her after a painful quest had led to her getting more wounds then loot.
Lisa was an older woman and often could be someone who could find out the problems in a plan leaving some to even confess to her looks. Amber did not get any of that though as it had been something where she was known for being a tomboy and while some of the men would look at her she could very well just sit and wish that someone would be there for her.
Mondstadt was a land of freedom and a thought had come in her head when she was alone on the cliff one evening and just taking one foot off the edge ready to walk in to the sea she had wondered why she just couldn't allow herself the luxury when the feeling of being disconnected from it all had been something that seemed so sweet to her.
No more of being the bubbly outrider, no more reporting for duty, no more just being used as some Pyro element for a puzzle, or people mocking her in her face, or the knights mocking her. Klee had been a higher rank then her and it made her sick because she felt she did not do enough wrong to deserve it.
There had not been anyone who was that mean on purpose but she had come to the cliff to get the feeling that such things were close and when she was ready she could just walk off and let the tides and rocks take her far away and maybe she could fly as an angel then attempting to as a human. A thought of her demise gave her a piece of warmth when it felt like no one saw enough in her to keep her on board with a plan, or even care.
Eula had been hated by many and she thought they could be friends and she had gotten the begrudging respect of some of the other knights who knew her bloodline but she was the noble, she was a warrior and could go through it just as easily as anyone it seemed for the nobles could handle any difficulties. The traveler had been a friend she had though until they left to find their family and she was stuck back in Mondstadt hearing how some would have to help them on some quests before returning while she was forgotten.
Her leg was getting tired and she had just wanted to sit and cry and decided that with no one watching she had the right to do just that only being surprised when a small Anemo slime was rubbing up to her wondering what had been wrong. The many trees behind her had hidden her from anyone on any other point spying on her turmoil, she could not describe it to many people and having the slime feel comfortable in her lap while she just talked to it, being as docile as ever as she vented her feelings to the animated blob.
She had set it off when the sky was just about dusk and sunset had begun to color the sky purple around the edges. Most likely she would be needed to do something before the end of the day, that was what she was usually given, and she had to make her way back before had gotten wise. Walking 154 through the trees, there was a form who had seen it and it had been one she never wanted to get an idea about her turmoil.
If she had focused as she ran and begun her glide she could think back to a familiar flash of purple behind one of the many fir trees that seemed to slip out of sight as she went by. Lisa had been aghast hearing the young woman's emotions and everything that came with them. She could see how the girl would see those elements but there had been so much to be done that many had thought her to be a deft hand. There was a capability to do things that some of the people more used to battle would have difficulty with.
Lisa would work with Jean and that meant she knew why certain people did certain things, it was based on who could pull it off, and tapping a pebble over the cliff. Amber had been the utility player for the knights, and while her title had not been a high ranking one that was due often to the outriders being the scouts and they had not been needed to be held at a higher rank but she crossed her arms because it was clear that everything had gotten to her.
She was not going to let her friend take to such darkness because in that darkness that their enemies could find weakness of the defenses, and the chaos order or the harbingers could take her body to make a monstrosity. It was also sad that she did not feel the love of her teammates, it made her wonder how she can work on it because Amber was someone she cared about but it was going to be something she had to be careful about, and maybe she could ask and leave the majority of the explanation to her.
Putting a finger against her mouth maybe direct would be the best bet, as the library was often private, and if she did not feel comfortable it could be made so for a time. That had been the thing she had to deal with, no tricks, but honesty was going to be her best bet, but she needed to bring someone else in the fold. Thinking about the problem while she was walking back there was so much to do.
Jean had to be involved, that was not a question but this could be something that needed no one else, as her superior and for being in charge as she was there just was no way around the dandelion knight not being in that meeting.
Striding in like she had a purpose the brunette was off helping a couple of the town citizens with a problem that had caused a little damage, something that either called for another knight who could be social, which as she thought over was not many. Waving a greeting to her she seemed to look up and a flash of apprehension swallowed amber like she knew, Lisa had hoped not and as she put her mask back on it was clear she would need to move quickly.
Before leaving for the night she had opened the door to the office and called Jean out before leading her in the library. The tone of which she had done so had made her think back to when Lisa was up for the position before taking the seat as librarian.
From that point she had explained what she had found while looking for Valberries and what could be heard as she stayed behind. The color would drain from her face but it was a thing that without evidence or admitting it there could be little that was done. Shoving her away to the lower floors in one of the little nooks where she could be hidden and waited. Outside of Jean there was no one else allowed in the library and after setting the sign saying so she had a messenger summon the out rider to it.
Lisa had sat behind the desk with her hands over each other, it was going to be something where she needed to bring the skills that made her such a good candidate and below there was just enough of a space for her to hear.
Amber had been shocked to see Lisa had been missing for the day, she had thought they would be in the Library and for a moment she thought there was no reason. Her love affair with the void was unknown and that could be a secret. That feeling evaporated when a small child had delivered a message to visit the library immediately. Brown eyes crunched in pain as the sentence seemed to strike with what it meant and there would be no chance and the nature of the doors opening at the headquarters with an office closed but the floor was so silent.
She had smiled because it felt nice to deal with all of it and just enjoy the silence, even if the fires of the night had been lit there was so little going on it was something beautiful. From her stop she saw the note on the door and knew in the bottom of her stomach that the happy times would end. Walking in she could only take her time to go up the stairs and see the librarian sitting at her desk with a clear tabletop.
Not much can be done but deal with what she had to hear, for some reason, Amber realized the librarian had been up there for some reason that became clear on the alternate desk with a bunch of Valberries.
Turning to see them she could tell from the color that they were just picked and with how few areas she had been able to pick them it meant that she was very much in the area. Dropping her emotional mask she sat in the seat in front of the desk and crossed her legs glumly.
"You heard?" She asked only for Lisa to nod behind her folded hands.
"How much?"
"I was there when the slime just came bouncing up to you and you had one foot over the cliffs, held the pose for a long time to from what I understood, but I take it was not part of some weird workout so tell me what it was about."
Doing what she had done for as long as she had there where images that would were unnerving, and for sure she could say one of them was the bubbly girl she knew and had thought of as a friend willing herself to fall to her death was something she was nervous even at the desk and seeing her without ill will in her face just listening and knowing full well the talking pipe between the floors had been open and Jean could hear it as well had led to an image that killed Lisa.
"I am useless" she cried between sobs her tears breaking down as the emotions gushed out of her.
Tears fell against the floor and continued to do so and she had not known Lisa moved until she had felt her arms pull in for a hug letting her cry for everything she felt while the older woman had whispered in her ear how it was all going to be okay. It was so bad that she had to make an order for water to be delivered to the door to which Jean had pulled it up and with a face that had said she understood.
Amber didn't want to feel useless, or like a constant failure, or as someone where children could outrank her because she tried, she really did, and she had told them so. Much that could be felt was the pair of women looking at the younger outrider as someone who was cracking under the pressure and there had to be some things done to rectify that because as Lisa stated, she was well loved and was the one of the few faces in the city everyone had felt comfortable with.
Their conversation on what could be done had lasted for half the night and she was given the day off tomorrow. After that they would all come back together for a meeting in secret to work with her own issues and make sure she was loved and respected in the city and in her position in the knights. Such darkness could never be escaped from but enough room was put there she could at least come back tomorrow and try to fight it off a little longer and she felt for the first time in a while the strength to do so, it was a battle that would happen daily but she could make it a little better she felt.