Goniff's Chores

Goniff hung upside down outside the second floor window and inspected the glass, his blond mop of hair waved in the breeze. "'How'd you like to use your unique, professional skills Goniff?' He says. 'Piece o' cake for a man with your talents!' He says. 'Sure Warden, what you got in mind?' Says I. 'Breakin' 'n enterin'? Pickin' a pocket? Just tell me what you want me to do!' Nice one Rodney!"

The thief became aware of movement inside the dark room, he froze as a figure approached and stopped twelve inches away from him. Goniff found his eyes level with a belt buckle, he looked down/up a line of uniform shirt buttons to find a stern face staring at him. "Bugger!"

A hand reached out and a finger tapped the glass. "You missed a bit!" Garrison folded his arms and frowned at the inverted thief as he dangled outside the common room window.

Goniff twisted his body sideways, tilted his head and peered through the glass. "Oh come on Warden, have a heart! I wasn't the one who threw mud at the bloody windows." Goniff plunged a cloth into the bucket of soapy water hanging on a rope next to him, wrung it out and rubbed at the mark on the pane. "I'd rather be runnin' the bloody obstacle course under live fire than doin' this!" he complained.

Garrison raised an eyebrow. "That can be arranged, but you've got another six windows to clean first. Shout out if you need Casino to bring more hot water. I'll be back to check on your progress."

Goniff watched the Warden walk away and slapped the cloth on the glass. "Yes sir, bloody Lieutenant bloody Garrison, I'll bloody wash your bloody windows."

Garrison stopped and turned. "Did you say something Goniff?"

The thief shook his head and returned to the task at hand. "Not a bloody thing Warden." He heard the door close and glared at the row of mud-spattered windows. "If I get my hands on whoever did this I'll wring their bloody necks." He wrung out the cloth as practice and attacked the dirt, the muttering carried on non-stop as water was slopped onto the dirty pane..

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Garrison stopped on the other side of the common room door, the left side of his mouth curved up into his crooked smile as he looked at Actor, Casino and Chief. "Well that's Goniff occupied for the next hour or two, he's so angry with what I've given him to do he won't think about anything else, let's get started."

Actor had taken the opportunity to have a quick peek round the door when Garrison was talking to the thief. "Why is Goniff hanging upside down out there Warden? I thought we had a ladder, is it broken?"

Garrison's smile widened as he gave Casino and Chief a conspiratorial look. The safe-cracker returned the smile with a devilish grin of his own. "Nah, just missin', can't make things too easy for the little Limey. Geronimo 'n me hid it out on the obstacle course last night when we went to get mud out the pit, didn't think you'd wanna come along 'n get your pretty hands dirty. We'll bring it back later."

Actor laughed. "So that's where the mud came from, I was wondering." He looked at Chief. "Was it you who threw it at the windows?"

The scout spread his hands wide and gave the conman an innocent look. "Who, me?"

Actor noticed traces of dirt still lodged under Chief's fingernails. "Excellent aim Chief."

Chief grinned and inclined his head in acknowledgement. "Thanks Actor."

The conman looked at Garrison. "Everything's arranged with Norman at The Doves, you seem to have done a good job conning poor Goniff into cleaning up Casino and Chief's mess. What's next?"

Garrison chuckled. "Tell him Chief's driving me to London to see Major Richards, evidently he's got an 'important mission' he needs to talk to me about. I'll leave the rest of the con in your more than capable hands."

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Half an hour later Goniff heard the door bang shut, he peered down to see Garrison and Chief walk out and approach the jeep. Garrison stopped, looked up and gave the windows a critical look. "Casino's getting you some fresh water, make sure you get all that mud off."

Goniff tossed the cloth into the bucket and threw a cynical salute. "Yes Sir. Anythin' you say Lieutenant Garrison, Sir."

The Warden adjusted his cap, strolled over to the jeep and jumped into the passenger seat to ride shotgun next to Chief, he grinned at his scout. "If Goniff was in the army I'd have him shot for insubordination."

Chief snorted softly, put a matchstick in his mouth and started the engine. "Thought Casino was first in line for that honour Warden."

Garrison sat back in his seat as Chief gunned the engine and roared down the drive. "Maybe I'll line them up side by side!"

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Casino wandered out onto the roof with a bucket of hot water and strolled over to the edge, it was easy to pinpoint where Goniff was, besides the ropes holding the bucket of water and the thief there was a constant stream of grumbling floating up from the disgruntled man.

The safe-cracker put the bucket down, placed his hands on his hips and looked down at the top of the thief's head, he was standing on a window sill. "You ok Limey? The Warden sent me up with some fresh water, he said he didn't want you smearin' the mud around 'n makin' things worse." He hauled up the bucket full of dirty suds, tied the fresh bucket to the rope and lowered it back down, he gave Goniff a concerned look. "You want anythin' else?"

Goniff looked up and squinted at his friend. "Only to find who did this 'n pour that dirty water over 'em."

Casino put on his best straight face, looked out over the grounds and shook his head. "Most probably those kids from the village, Geronimo said he saw some runnin' around. Don't know how they got past the guards."

"Most probably lazin' around as usual, they should've shot the little bleeders on sight," growled Goniff.

Actor walked out the door and looked up at the two cons. "The Warden and Chief had to go meet Major Richards in London, they're going to be gone for at least four hours."

Casino grinned. "Four hours, you hear that Limey? Let's go down the pub for a few drinks before they get back."

Goniff shook his head. "Haven't finished yet, the Warden'll kill me if I don't get this done."

Actor took out his pipe and started to fill it. "Garrison's gone for a mission briefing. He won't have time to check the windows when he gets back, he'll be too busy telling us his plans before we leave."

Casino started hauling Goniff up. "Actor's right, with any luck the Krauts'll kill you instead 'n you won't have to worry about the Warden or cleanin' the windows ever again."

The thief stood beside his friend, brushed himself down and watched as he pulled the bucket up. "You sure about this mate?"

Casino clapped Goniff on the shoulder. "What's to worry about? Come on 'n get ready, I can hear that beer callin'."

GG-GG-GG

Casino opened the door to The Doves and invited Actor and Goniff in with a bow and an expansive wave of his hand, the three cons strolled over to the bar to be greeted by Norman the landlord. "Hello lads, just the three of you today? What's your pleasure?"

Casino placed some money on the counter. "Five pints of your finest bitter please Norm." Norman nodded, started to pull the drinks and placed them on the bar. "Here you go lads."

Goniff reached out to grab a glass and stopped. "Five pints?"

A heavy hand landed on the thief's shoulder and a low, very familiar voice sounded in his ear. "What are you doing here Goniff? Have you finished those windows already?"

Oh shit!" Goniff turned and looked into Garrison's stern, hazel/green eyes, Chief was standing beside him nonchalantly turning his blade in his hand.

The scout glared at the thief. "You disobeyin' the Warden again Goniff?" He folded up his blade and put it away in its sheath

Goniff's face turned pale as his heart leapt into his mouth, his knees felt weak. "I'm sorry Warden, this is all Casino 'n Actor's fault, they made me do it, honest."

The Warden fixed Goniff with his level gaze. "I know they did, I told them to." He turned to the two cons and smiled. "You took your time getting here, Chief and I were getting thirsty waiting for you to turn up." He reached past the quaking thief, took a pint of bitter and gave it to Chief, he then reached for a second glass. "I believe this one's mine."

Goniff looked around in confusion as everyone lifted a glass. "Will someone tell me what's goin' on?"

Garrison grinned, stepped to one side and waved a hand at a table across the room, Goniff's mouth dropped open as he saw it was loaded with sandwiches as well as a wide range of nibbles, a large cake dominated the centre. "Happy birthday Goniff."

Goniff looked around at his friends. "You remembered!"

Ruby stepped forward and planted a huge kiss on the astonished thief's lips. "Surprise!"

Goniff turned to face Casino, the safe-cracker grinned, raised his free hand, took a step back and shook his head. "I ain't kissin' ya, not after ya tried to get me 'n Actor in trouble with the Warden for gettin' you here."

"Bet he didn't need much persuasion," chuckled Chief with a knowing grin and took a sip of his beer.

Goniff laughed. "None at all. Alright mates, you got me good 'n proper." The thief stepped over to the table and took a sandwich. "Good job there's a load o' food here, all that cleanin's given me an appetite."

Actor laughed. "No need to tell us Goniff, you're starvin'!"

The thief eyed the tall conman. "And thirsty after all them chores."

Actor fell into the trap. "What chores?"

Goniff grinned. "Thanks mate, that's very kind o' you to offer, mine's a beer 'n whisky chaser!"