The Ascendance of Fire Lord Turtleduck
"Order! Order!" shouted Bo, the speaker of the House.
"As you all know, our great nation is in the midst of a succession crisis."
The senate murmured amongst each other.
"Quiet ladies and gentlemen!" continued Bo, "three weeks ago, our great Avatar Aang, bless his most righteous name, successfully deposed the warmongering Fire Lord Ozai in the battle of Sozin's comet. He is no longer a bender, and will serve as an example that one should never challenge an Avatar even if he's a 112-year-old man with an unfortunate penchant for marble tricks and fart jokes."
Meanwhile in the Southern Air Temple:
"Wait, you're the Avatar's granddaughter and he doesn't boss you around at all?" asked Toph, stunned at Jinora's utter lack of parental supervision.
"Well, we air nomads believe that children should be free to choose their own destinies without interference from others, including our parents." replied Jinora.
"Can I join the Air Nomads, please?"
"Well, you aren't an Airbender, but I'm sure Earthbenders are allowed as acolytes."
"Sweet!" said Toph, sitting down on a whoopee cushion. A poorly-concealed chortle came from behind one of the pillars.
"Grandpa! You're the Avatar! You shouldn't be pranking some of our most distinguished guests!"
"Sorry Jinora, I couldn't resist." replied Aang, trying to keep his wrinkly face straight.
Toph was already rolling on the floor in laughter.
"As I was saying, now that Ozai is out of the picture, we have a serious succession crisis on our hands." continued Bo.
"What about Prince Zuko? He is next-in-line to the throne and one of the Avatar's favorite pupils!" asked Chief Censor Boo, who insists on telling everyone that his name is spelled with "two O's and no U's", in addition to censoring all instances of the F-word in Fire Nation publications.
"Yes, about that... He has, um ... fallen in love with the daughter of the Chief of the Southern Water Tribe... Some say that they saved each other's lives when they fought against his sister Azula. He's taken the Avatar's advice of putting love above power and has run off to the Southern Water Tribe to marry her. The Avatar has blessed the union, so it's unlikely that we could find a legal way to split them up. He would most likely be the Southern Chief's consort after that." *
"Oh crap. What about Azula herself then? She still has royal blood, even if she's gone a little, uh, ummmmmmmmm."
"You can say insane, Boo." chided the rather portly and jovial Prime Minister Bu with a U.
"Mentally under the weather." insisted Boo with two O's.
"Yes, and last time we had a king that had gone raving mad, we ended up being forced to watch him attempt to plant lumps of beef to grow beef-trees." added Bo.
"Azula wouldn't do that!" said Boo.
"Yeah. But she'd probably have you hanged, drawn, and quartered for leaving a pit in her cherries though. She had already done so to a most unfortunate maid-servant." said Bu.
"Ok, but what if we reinstate her in a Constitutional Monarchy?" Boo was insistent on Azula. Maybe he had a crush on her? No you f**king author, I don't! Sorry Censor Boo. It was a misunderstanding. And you used the F-word yourself, shame on you.
"I'm afraid that would not be possible." said Bo with one O, "the only reason she hasn't been executed for war crimes is because the Avatar managed to convince the Tribunal of Nations to let her off on the count of insanity. If we make any move that suggests she is anything less than raving mad, it would be off with her head."
"Ok, Prince Iroh then?" asked Bu with the U.
"It's the same problem as Zuko. He has moved to Ba Sing Se to open a tea-shop and refuses to return to the Fire Nation. Prince Lu Ten, as you know, was assassinated there while on a Diplomatic Visit, though there are unconfirmed rumors that Lu Ten survived and currently works as a tea server in his father's shop."
A few years back...
Iroh sat upon what looked like his son's gravestone, singing "Leaves from the vine, falling so slow..."
"Like tiny, fragile, shells, drifting in the foam." sang a stranger with a straw hat on his head.
"Wait, that sounded like..."
"It's good to see you after so long, dad."
Little soldier boy, come marching home.
Brave soldier boy, came marching home.
Father and son embraced each other, all tears of sadness replaced with tears of joy and reunion.
"Ok," said Bu, "we've run out of all possible candidates for the throne at this point, with Sozin and Azulon having no other children, and all the records before Sozin destroyed on Ozai's orders.
"Yep, we're royally screwed." said Boo, "might as well crown a turtleduck as a king at this point."
"Wait, that's it!" said senator Ty Lin, "think about it! What does a Fire Lord need above all!"
"Uh, the will to govern?" said Boo.
"No, Boo! It needs the approval of the people! Come on. The people of the Fire Nation are literally sick of human rulers pulling them into wars and conflict! On the other hand, nobody on the planet is capable of resisting a Turtleduck's cuteness! They're fluffy, they waddle on four limbs and they can retract their adorable heads into their shells, plus they're hypoallergenic, so nobody would sneeze from shedding! Their approval ratings would be off the charts!"
"Ty Lin, you've got something there." added Sari, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, "We won't have to worry about royalty's expensive tastes! Think about the money we can save now that our Fire Lord would only need to eat bread and pond-weed!"
"And we won't have to worry about royal declarations of war!" said Bu. "There is no possible way that a duck could quack its way into mobilizing the navy against the Earth Kingdom!"
"But what about the other nations? Wouldn't we be the laughing stock of the four nations with an Animal at our head? We would literally be bird-brains!" said Boo.
"Constitutional monarchy!" said Ty Lin. "We can have the turtleduck as a symbol of our state, while the legislature and the Prime Minister manage day-to-day activities! We could even have elections for the position of various provincial governors instead of having the Fire Lord appoint them!"
"And plus, our tourism industry would be booming! In addition to our world famous hot springs and Fire Nation whiskey, we could have tours of the royal palace! 'Come see the great palace of the only human nation ruled by a Turtleduck royal family!'"
"Not to mention that it would solve future succession crises! Turtleducks are so common in the Fire Nation that we could simply find a random breeding pair!" said Debbie, the Minister of Science, Biology, and Technology. "As a biologist who studied turtleduck mating patterns, I can say that the males are really excited when the females are in heat."
"Woah there Debbie, too much information." said Bo. "All right, all in agreement of selecting a turtleduck as our next Fire Lord, say Aye!"
"AYE!"
"All against the proposition, say Nay!"
"na..ay?" said Boo. The entire senate glared at him.
"Uh, Aye?" Boo changed his vote at the last minute.
"As decreed by unanimous vote, the next Fire Lord shall be of the species Turtleduck!"
Katara and Zuko were holding hands while they anxiously awaited the crowning of the next Fire Lord. Sokka and his wife Yue sat beside them, making funny faces at their new baby boy. Behind them sat Avatar Aang, in all his mischievous Avatar-y glory, along with Toph and Jinora, who were exchanging nervous glances, worried if, or more accurately, when, their grandfather (adopted, in Toph's case) would play a prank on the new Fire Lord and instigate an international incident.
"Looks like they redesigned the crown. I pity the person who has to wear it." whispered Zuko.
"Yeah, it looks quite a bit too small for a human head. I'm so glad the water tribe prefers royal scepters." said Katara.
"Shhh! The coronation's starting!" admonished Sokka.
"We are now gathered here to celebrate the coronation of our nation's new ruler. Let it be know to the world that the Fire Nation is committed to peace, stability, and prosperity. Never again shall a tyrant declare war on our brothers and sisters in other realms! Enter Fire Lord Jelly Bean."
A sweet little turtleduck waddled onto the stage and quacked softly. The Fire Sage, in all pomp and circumstance, anointed its shell with three drops of oil from the holy flames, and placed the miniature crown on top of the turtleduck's head.
"All hail Fire Lord Jelly bean!"
The audience was in stunned silence for almost a minute before Chief consort Zuko burst into laughter while Chief Katara applauded. Soon the entire crowd was engulfed in a wave of laughter and applause.
"So, uh, tell me if my all-seeing feet are missing anything, but did they just crown a turtleduck?" asked Toph.
"They did. I don't know why, but they seem to be serious about it."
"They won't be too serious about it soon! Just watch, or listen!" said the Avatar, smiling suspiciously while clapping.
The new Fire Lord waddled onto the royal cushion, planning to turn it into a nest to lay her eggs on.
"Pfffffrrrrrrt!" emitted the cushion.
"Grandpa!"
AU: No deaths.
* Because this is a Happy AU, Yue survived and married Sokka. Sokka is now the future Chief of the Northern Water Tribe. Therefore, Katara's going to be Chief of the South.
Lu Ten survived too!
As did Kya mother of Katara and Sokka. And Hama's not evil, and never discovered bloodbending. She's merely Gran-Gran's bingo partner/Katara's first waterbending instructor. (Yes, the southern water tribe has Bingo in this AU, to their teenagers' great annoyance.)
And best of all, Aang lives long enough to see his granddaughter become a master at an age before he did! Thanks to the lack of Iceberg, Aang gets to live a long life filled with practical jokes he exchanges with Bumi and Kuzon. :-) Sweet!
Don't turtleducks make everything better?
Explanation for the curious:
Sozin saved Roku on the volcano, abandoning his plans for colonization and expansion, and regaining his friendship. Roku died soon after from old age and smoke inhalation, but convinced Sozin to use the comet to celebrate a feast and an international firebending exhibit in the vein of life and goodness (he did not kill the dragons, but rather secluded them in the Sun Warrior ruins as a protected species). He rejoined his friend Roku shortly afterwards, heralded as the Fire Lord who began a golden age of trade and tolerance, with his young son Azulon taking the throne. Azulon was known for reigning over an uneventful period in Fire Nation history, but did manage to sign a trade agreement with the water tribes, exchanging agricultural products and coal for the water tribe's crude oil.
Then Ozai tried to take the throne from Iroh, attempting to assassinate Prince Lu Ten to break Iroh's line of succession. Lu Ten escaped and faked his death, living as a farmer in Ba Sing Se's agrarian zone. Everything bad Ozai did in canon happened again, and the moment he assassinated Azulon, he declared war on the rest of the world and caused mayhem galore. Of course, old man Aang wished to stop him, but even the Avatar cannot stop the Fire Nation Army in full force. Iroh smuggled a burned and abused Zuko into Aang's elite training force, which also happened to have Toph (who ran away from home), his granddaughter Jinora, a waterbender by the name of Katara, and Sokka, the weapons master. Suki led the team of Kyoshi warriors. Sokka fell in love with Yue during a visit to recruit help from the water tribes. The moon spirit was almost killed by Zhao but Zuko was able to beat Zhao enough to make him drop the fish and block his fire. Aang did not have to merge with La and simply worked in concert with all the waterbenders to beach the Fire Nation ship and cause a surrender.
Zuko did not betray Katara under the catacombs because they never got into there in the first place, and Zuko managed to recognize Azula under the face paint, thwarting their takeover of Ba Sing Se, but Azula shot him with lightning so she could get away. (Katara used her spirit water to save him obviously.) And then S3 happens much as in canon, just swap Aang with Jinora and add in lots of practical jokes by Old Man Aang plus a still-healing Zuko. Remove the Southern Raiders (Kya never died) and the Puppetmaster (Hama is not evil), as well as any Zuko-centric episodes (The Beach, etc.) The eclipse invasion still fails because Ozai has invented the freaking Flamethrower and Aang is still mislead into Azula's clutches.
The boiling rock happens because Sokka and Zuko are best buds at this point, and they want to rescue Hakoda. Less Sokka/Suki romance though, but this is because Yue's alive. (Sorry Suki shippers, maybe we can explore a Suki/Haru or a Suki/Ty Lee fic?)
And Sozin's comet ends with Ozai losing out to Aang, but this time Jinora and Toph aid Aang, while Sokka, Suki, and Haru (whom Toph has taught metalbending) take out the airship fleet. Zuko takes lighting for Katara the second time, and Katara heals him with "the power of love (TM)" (technically Katara can heal him with plain waterbending because Zuko redirected most of the lightning).