I felt my eyes open for the first time in four hours. I was sitting at my desk, I exhaled deeply, feeling as if all my energy had left me. I sat up in the shadowy room, looking over to the paperwork and fountain pen I was writing with the night before. My thoughts slowly came back to me, along with that deep, constant ache… 'I have to teach the brats today… Eren…' I suppressed my line of thinking, content to suffer like a wounded animal as I rose from my chair and prepared to dress myself for the day ahead.

I went from the office to my bedroom and grabbed a selection of clothes, choosing to get dressed in the bathroom. 'The benefits of having a Captain's quarters…' a smile almost appearing on my face before my mind drifted to my dead comrades, dead friends. I shook my head and splashed my face with cold water from the sink before running my fingers through my hair and resting my cravat over my shoulders. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and walked back into my office, heading to the door to the hallway before seeing my shadow stretch out before me.

I turned to window that was highlighting my beaten-down silhouette just moments before, looking outside I could see the sun beginning to rise. A fierce spark of light on the horizon, the blaze mocking me, for I could feel no warmth and it did not do anything to make the uninviting, grey world outside my window look any more hopeful. "Tch." 'Let's just get to work.' I thought to myself, as I pivoted and stood in front of a large, rectangular mirror hung from the castle wall. I tied my cravat around my neck and fixed my collar, avoiding my weary eyes that I knew reflected how I felt inside.

I briskly left my office and continued striding through the halls of the castle the Scouting Legion were all residents off for the time being, 'This wall could also be taken…' I thought numbly before clenching my fists and scowling, 'Like hell.' I navigated down a circular staircase in one of the castle turrets, a pattern I was getting used to since the Scouting Legion moved here a week prior. I was on the ground floor, the steps of my leather boots echoing on the finely cleaned cobblestone floor beneath me. I wasn't concerned about waking anyone because of how early it still was. I headed to the basement. An indulgence.

Every step I took deeper underground I could feel the warmth sapping from me, the stone around me seemed blurrier in the darkness and I ran my hand across the dungeon wall as I descended, the stone slabs were sharply cold to the touch—I ignored it. The staircase opened up into the dungeon room, a row of cells was lined up against the wall and I walked past half of them till I reached the centre one. Quiet breathing could be heard from inside and I felt my mind darken. '…Eren…' I slowly grabbed my keys from the belt they were attached to. '…The slower I take to unlock his cell the more time I have to revel in his presence...' That thought was depressing, hitting me like a strike to the abdomen.

'Though there is a difference in our age and we both belong to the same gender I cannot help the hopeless longing of my heart, telling me to be near you, to protect, guide and mentor you. I wonder how society would view my emotions. Would they call me sick? Want me to be put down like a diseased animal? If I do not say anything I can let these emotions and the disease of my mind fester… would that be worth living through… not being with Eren? Maybe I should save society the trouble of dealing with me and just hang myself?' I sighed deeply and unlocked the cell door and walked away as fast as my addicted mind would let me.

I found myself in the mess hall, sipping on a strong, premium, black tea when I ran into the first person that day. I was sitting, relaxed at one of the tables when Mike walked in, though he did not pay much attention to me besides silently questioning why I was up so early, I felt like he was judging me, like he knew… I felt guilt and self-loathing rise within me once more that day. A few minutes later I was joined by him, he had made and was now drinking tea, a different type from me, but sitting and drinking at the same table as me, nonetheless.

"Good morning." Mike said with a silent smirk, sipping from his cup and leaning back, looking content with the day already.

I envied him. The words struggled to come from my mouth, maybe because on some level I know they are not true, not for me at least. "Good morning." I nodded bitterly and proceeded to focus my attention away from him, hearing footsteps from down the hall. I sighed, wanting to be left alone. 'If the cadets are awake and already coming to bother me, I'll take my tea and leave for the steps outside.' I scowled while I inwardly planned, my glare lingered by the door. As I heard the door creaking open, I abruptly stood up and took my leave, passing by the tired cadets who were up early to cook breakfast for the cadets yet to wake up. I did not want to bother appeasing people when I could rather be alone with my thoughts.

I could see the bodies I passed tense up as I marched onward, reaching the outside of the castle and sitting upon the steps leading up to the door. I relaxed slightly, 'I'll stay out here while the others have breakfast, I know the training schedule for today so they will be no reason for anybody to bother me…' In between waiting, sipping on my cooling tea and feeling frustrated I thought to myself. 'My self-loathing I am so familiar with… I must be in love with Eren… that love must be true, it hurts too much to be anything else. I am stuck loving him from a distance and hating myself up close…' I throwed back the last of my tea as if it was the antidote to my problems and leaned back supporting myself with my arms straight behind me, peering up to the cloudless sky.

'Why must I destroy myself, so imperfect and ungodly… unsuccessful in life… perhaps it's time to let myself get closer to Eren. I do not know if my heart can handle the self-imposed isolation I endure. If the end is coming, then I would rather risk Eren's rejection before I die than kill myself not knowing what could have been.'

"You'll be training soon cadets so make sure to finish up breakfast and get ready!" I could hear Mike call out from far inside the castle.

I smirked grimly internally though my face looked lifeless, I rose with the rim of my teacup clutched between my fingers. Striking back into the kitchen to wash up and head outside again, this time for work. A distraction.

Time passed and I found myself in front of an orderly formation of cadets waiting for instruction. I crossed my arms and let composed despair wash across my face. The first line of cadets looked unnerved, intimidated, either because of my reputation or with the way I looked murderous. I didn't care, what I do care about is Eren, third row from the front and fourth cadet from the right. I shook my head at my obsession and was tempted to pace back and forth in front of the group, but I had to keep formation with my special operations squad and the other squad leaders.

"Cadets, the Scouting Legion is currently made up of four squads that each of you will be sorted into. There is Squad One, led by Captain Levi, Squad Two, led by Mike Zacharius, Squad Three, led by Dita Ness, and Squad Four, led by Hanji Zoe. With the exception of Cadet Eren Yeager, the rest of you will be evenly split between Mike's, Dita's and Hanji's squads." With that final statement Erwin saluted, pledging his heart, and took his leave for his office in the castle.

I could feel myself internally smile hearing that Eren would be assigned to my squad. Of course, it was inevitable, under court ruling I am to be his caretaker, it would make sense for him to work closely with me so I can keep an eye on him. I looked through the formation and over to where Eren stood resolutely, and we accidently made eye contact before he turned his head shied his gaze. 'He looked like criminal caught in the act, the shock on his face… I wonder what he thinks of his predicament of having me as his captain...'

With Commander Erwin gone I took the initiative. "Eren Yeager, with me." I motioned for him to come with me. "The rest of you cadets will be selected by the remaining squad leaders." I turned my back on everyone and calmly walked off to the equipment shed on the other side of the courtyard. I could hear that my special operations squad had followed me, awaiting orders, along with Eren who came jogging after me before stopping and walking right beside me. "I want everyone equipped with their set of 3DM gear, we are going to go out into the forest and train." I entered the equipment shed last out of my team but quickly slipped on and fastened my pristine set of gear to me, being the first to leave.

"Eld, Gunther, Oluo, Petra. Go on ahead into the forest. Eren and I will meet you by the first training dummy in the advanced course. I need to brief Eren about his situation and the special operations squad."

I noticed them responding and nodding before using their 3DM gear to make a move onto the course. I stared out to the woodland before me, watching my squad serenely leave and I descended into a reverie— "Sir?" Hearing Eren's confused voice behind me I turned and faced him, he looked like he just barged out of the shed after frantically trying to get ready in time. "…Are you okay sir? You seem out of it today—"

"—I am fine. Come walk with me." I authoritatively beckoned Eren to follow after me as I started making my way to the edge of the tall, open forest. After a minute of comfortable silence I decided to speak up, wanting to voice my mind to Eren before reaching the other squad members. "…Eren. I have a question for you." I started, as I could see the first training dummy peak out from the cluster of trees far in the forest ahead.

"I, um—sure. What do you want to know?"

Eren's voice was tantalizing, though he probably did not mean to come off that way. I stopped walking and Eren soon after came to a stop in front of me, giving me a look of genuine concern. I could see Eld, Gunther, Oluo and Petra far behind Eren making idle chit chat, not noticing Eren and I. I met Eren's heartfelt eyes with my own harrowed stare. "How long do you think it takes for a broken spirit to kill a body that has food, water and shelter?"

I could see Eren's eyes widen as he made the mental connection that I was potentially speaking about myself. That I had been in service for years and that it was getting to me, a supposed perfect soldier. Though what happened next, I did not expect. Eren's eyes filled with determination. "I will do everything in my power. I am humanity's last hope." His eyes begging me to reassess whether my spirit really was broken or not.

"…I think you are my last hope too."

Author's notes - I want to thank everyone who took the time to read this 3. I originally did not plan to publish this, it will probably be edgy and hopefully not too cringe when I read through it in the future. I wanted to try writing more poetically and descriptively, this was the end product because I used this story to vent when dealing with problems from my personal life. I also wanted to try writing Levi longing for Eren with a forbidden love type of context surrounding it. I hope you all enjoyed, have an amazing day/night!