Spencer was thankful that he managed to slip away and hide in one of the restroom stalls before the tears he had been trying so hard to hold back flooded from his eyes. Even though it was against his better judgement, Reid sat curled up on the floor with his knees pressed tightly to his chest, his arms wrapped around his legs rocking slightly back and forth to try to calm himself down. He knew it was a matter of time before he made some sort of mistake working with the BAU. He knew it was a matter of time before the rest of the team would see that he was too young to work with them with little experience to go along with it. He didn't expect to get an entire profile wrong on the last job they did, everyone expected him to know everything and to never be wrong. That thought alone stressed him out beyond belief, that's why he put so much time and energy into the details of every case he was on.
The thought of him letting down his team because he was incorrect was enough to send him into an anxiety attack. No matter how many times he reminded himself that the real unsub had been caught even after his mistake it wasn't enough to put his mind at ease. The way everyone looked at him in the conference room as he left without saying anything in the middle of Hotch explaining the situation was something that Reid wasn't going to forget. Well… it's not like he could easily forget anything anyway. None of them appeared to be mad at him in the slightest at being wrong, after all, it was a team agreement that they thought they knew who the unsub was, but rather the looks of confusion and maybe some of pity were enough to make Reid feel worse.
Reid tangled his fingers through his hair, still rocking back and forth as he was trying to suppress his sobs. He was supposed to be better than this, he wasn't allowed to be wrong, how could he be wrong? What detail did he miss? Did the team hate him now? Or were they going to see him as everyone else did? A child who had no business being in a high leveled job.
Everything that Gideon helped build up in him was torn down in a fraction of a second.
How old are you?
You look too young to work for the FBI.
I don't believe you have a Ph.D.
"I have three…" he mumbled to himself out of habit, his face buried in his arms as the warm silent tears ran down his cheeks.
Reid was thankful he had a team that would defend him whenever anyone brought his qualifications into question, but he was an adult, and he knew that he was qualified to be here so what made it so difficult for him to defend himself? Did he not want to rock the boat? Maybe he thought it would be too childish to stand up for himself, even though the lack of confidence would further make people believe he wasn't suited for the job.
He wiped the tears from his face with the palms of his hands before resting his chin on his knees, looking up at the slightly flickering fluorescent light that was attached to the ceiling. It was oddly comforting in the sense that it was helping him come back to reality than being trapped in his mind, although, it wasn't enough to make the feelings go away.
For the longest time, Reid felt similar to this when he first joined the BAU and even his teammates were questioning if he belonged with them. Every time he woke up he was anxious, too scared to get out of bed to get ready for work in case he somehow screwed up just to prove them right. He had been and always will be thankful for Gideon and everything he has taught him in ways to assert himself, following him in his footsteps when correcting others that it was doctor and not agent. Something that Reid never considered correcting, but without the correction people would see him as a child. Reid had to admit, it was difficult being there with his team who never got questioned if they were qualified to be on the field. Officers would fill them in on the situation but even glance Reid's way. In a way, Reid did feel like a kid. A kid who was stuck in his room.
Reid took a deep breath, deciding that it was time to go back out there and work on the reports he knew that was waiting for him on his desk. He forced himself up from the tile floor, dusting his pants off before leaving the stall. Before exiting the restroom, he stopped in front of the large mirror, wiping the tear trails from his cheeks to make sure there was no evidence of him crying just moments prior. He stared at himself as he turned the sink on, waiting for the water to become cool. Was he even good enough to be here? Reid shook his head as if to erase the thought away, he didn't want to start crying again. He ran his hands under the cold water before splashing it around his eyes to hide the red rings that formed, if anything, he could chalk it up to allergies. Yeah, that wouldn't be the dumbest excuse in the world.
You're fine. You're fine. Reid thought to himself over and over as if it would change the fact that he most certainly was not okay.
Once he was convinced that he looked decent, Reid left the restroom to return to the bullpen where the other handful of agents resided. The overlapping chatter wasn't helping in the slightest, it caused Reid to flinch as his brain was trying to process every conversation that he could pick up on. He covered his left ear as he went straight for his desk, not stopping to chat with any of his friends. Just as he expected, there was a small pile of reports sitting in front of him ready to get filled out.
Letting a defeated sigh, Reid decided it was probably for the best for him to get started. Once he flipped opened the first report, his eyes skimmed over the words, yet he didn't retain any of the information. So, he tried reading it again.
And again.
And again.
And again…
Reid groaned to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose while squeezing his eyes shut. It wasn't usual for him not to be able to focus on anything he read. He came to the quick conclusion that the chatter in the bullpen was too overwhelming for him to work in. Sometimes Reid didn't understand, how could people work with so much noise? Didn't their brains need to slow down for a moment and need silence to process things?
Reid jumped when a hand clasped onto his shoulder, his eyes opening quickly.
"How's it goin' over here, genius?" Morgan asked him as he couldn't help but notice how he was silently struggling from his own desk.
"'m fine…" Reid mumbled, averting his eyes back down to the report that still sat in front of him. Eye contact was already difficult, he didn't want to have to try to convince Morgan that he was okay when he wasn't. Besides, it was highly likely Morgan knew that he was lying anyway. "Can't focus."
"Yeah… it's loud in here, huh?" Morgan removed his hand from Reid's shoulder before taking a sip of his coffee. "So… what happened?"
"With what?" Reid questioned, still not looking up at him.
"You know what I'm talking about, kid."
Yeah, Reid knew exactly what he was talking about. He was talking about how he got up and left the conference room when Hotch and Gideon told them that they had the wrong guy. It was because of him that they didn't catch the unsub since he was so sure that he had everything out in front of him that pointed towards him. To be fair, Reid didn't want to sit there and be lectured on how he was wrong and that he wasn't good enough to be on the team. Not that the conversation was heading that way anyway, it was difficult to think rationally when the weight of having to overcome the obstacles to prove that one was worthy of being on the field.
"Let's take a walk, c'mon," Morgan said, tired of the silence between them. He pulled Reid's chair away from the desk so he didn't have a choice but to get up and go with him. Reid whined in response, not wanting to go anywhere. "Nope. I'm not taking that for an answer. Let's go."
Reluctantly Reid finally stood up from his chair, not looking overly thrilled about wherever Morgan was taking him. They were silent as they walked through the bullpen to get to the exit door, Reid had to admit that leaving the chatter behind did take a great weight off of his shoulders. They rounded a corner until they were the only ones standing in an empty hallway. Morgan leaned against the wall, folding his arms over his chest as if he was waiting for Reid to say something.
"What's going on?" He asked Reid.
Reid shook his head, trying to make himself look small in an attempt to get out of this situation. He began fidgeting with his hands, picking and pulling at the skin around his fingernails out of an anxious habit.
"You just left the meeting." Reid looked at the floor, not wanting to meet Morgan's gaze. "Gideon wasn't too happy about that."
Reid crinkled his nose, his head jerking up suddenly. "You don't have to talk to me like I'm a child, y'know."
Morgan was taken aback. Not once did he ever talk to Reid like a child, so the outburst was unexpected.
"I'm not. What's with you?"
"You guys think that I'm not able to be a part of the team," Reid blurted out, a burning sensation behind his eyes as the tears threatened to fall once again.
"Nobody thinks that." Morgan looked at the younger agent for a moment, trying to study him and figure out where that line of thinking came from. "Oh… you think it was your fault we got the wrong guy?"
"Because it was!"
"Well… it wasn't. It was a team decision, Reid. The blame is on everyone, not just you."
"I'm the one who was sure though… I thought I saw a pattern, but I was wrong."
Morgan let out a sigh. "People are wrong, it happens."
"I can't be wrong." It came out quieter than Reid had anticipated, but Morgan was still able to hear him. His eyes dropped again, wishing there was something he could do to get out of the rest of this conversation. Reid wrapped his arms around his torso, appearing as though he was giving himself a hug. "You don't understand."
"Then explain it to me."
He sounds mad. Why is he mad? Is he mad I ruined the case?
Reid shook his head again.
"Remember when you first started? You practically hid away from us because you weren't sure if you were good enough to be here." The words came out harsh, causing Reid to flinch upon hearing them. What was he getting at? "Don't shut yourself inside again because you got one thing wrong. It seems like you're looking for a reason to hide again."
Reid was silent, it took a moment for Morgan to realize the tears rolling down his friend's face instantly making him regret the choice of words he used. What he didn't realize was that he was right. Reid was trying to rip off the band-aid himself so the others didn't have to tell him that it was his mistake, that he wasn't good enough to be here. The band-aid didn't exist. The self-deprecating thoughts that intruded his mind were making him feel this way, when was he going to snap out of it and see that was the case?
"Maybe I found it…" Reid said, shakiness in his voice before running the back of his arm across his face to wipe the tears away. Before Morgan could reach out and grab him, he was already walking away to go back to the bullpen.
Maybe he found it.