Ghost of You
Rated: T
Story Summary: After five years of radio silence, Aerith felt Zack die on that rainy evening yet she'd preferred to live in a constant state of denial. Refusing to believe he was gone in favor of clinging to the hope that he just left her for another. But that night she felt his spirit leave was the only time she allowed herself to break down. Zack's spirit pays her a visit anyway…
Welp. I actually made myself cry writing this. I believe Zack's soul was strong enough to come pay Aerith a final visit after his death but her grief was too much that she never felt him there. So, yeah, I felt like writing some angst and I may have went too far. XD Hope you enjoy anyway.
"Don't be sad."
"A man you really, really love just died."
"His heart came a long way to say goodbye…but he couldn't stay because he had to return to the planet."
Aerith wasn't sure how she made it home with the raw, gaping hole in her chest.
The rare rain that continued to fall in heavy sheets clung to her skin, dampening her dress that clung to her frigid skin and hair but was able to hide the stream of tears still leaking down her face.
…Zack…
It could be no one else.
Five years. Five years she waited; hoped and prayed that if she sent enough letters (she got to 89), made more tiny wishes (52 instead of 23 - yet she could still combine them all into one) and ultimatums showering those floral scented pages with enough want, that he would return. That any day now, he would burst through the church doors and find her kneeling in the flowers that broke his fall on their first meeting. She'd feign anger at being kept waiting but eagerly fall into his open arms anyway.
A million different scenarios of their reunion played out in her daydreams.
Variants of events, desperate apologies, forgiveness, hugs, kisses, and never letting him out of her sight again played out like a broken record player in her mind's eye these past five lonely years. If she wished and wanted hard enough, it had to come true, didn't it? Yet it really didn't matter if his long-awaited appearance matched to her visions of how it would play out or not, Aerith wanted nothing more than her lost SOLDIER to return to her…
…and just an hour ago, she felt him leave her forever…
Zack was always akin to the sun. Bright, shining warmth, rivulets of light and happiness filling every space he graced his presence with. Even after five years, she clung to that, clung to him. Could still feel the glow and comfort of his light living in her breastbone right next to her heart.
Zack was alive, waning at times, but still there like the comforting warmth of a flickering fire…
Until suddenly, with the droplets of rain on her face from the church's broken ceiling (the same one Zack caused), that spot next to her heart that he occupied since the moment they met chilled than abruptly turned bitter cold leaving a gaping hole in its wake.
The warmth of sunny summer afternoon left behind for an unforgiving winter storm.
The emptiness was unlike anything she ever experienced.
As Aerith finally climbed the few stops to her porch, her knees shaking and nearly giving out, she pushed the door open with little care. The shocked face of her mother sitting at the table a little more than background noise compared to the collapse of her chest cavity. The pain akin to being hit with a blizzaga straight to the heart, icy tendrils wrapping their clawed fingernails deep into her skin and chest and it just wouldn't stop…
Elmyra was speaking, moving to stand up but Aerith shook her head to deter the older woman, refusing to meet her mother's concerned face. Instead, the Cetra politely took off her muddy boots and did her best to squeeze the excess water from her dress and hair into the potted plant near the door.
Without a single word, Aerith slipped past her mother's outstretched hands and ran up the stairs.
Upon entering her room, she closed the door, grabbing her desk chair (the one she used often to write Zack's letters upon) and stuffing it under the door's handle to deter Elmyra's questions and concerns.
All Aerith needed was to be alone…
In a daze and going on autopilot since she collapsed to her knees in the church and in a desperate attempt to ignore the entire situation Gaia so cruelly handed her, Aerith was determined to sleep. Sleep, forget and perhaps in the respite given by the vast blackness of dreams that this would all turn out to be some nightmare.
…maybe she'd write him a 90th letter…
Aerith got ready for bed.
Wet dress and undergarments pulled off and placed into the hamper, Aerith took a towel to remove the last vestiges of the cool rain from her skin before slipping on a clean pair of underwear and her favorite pink nightgown.
"You should wear pink the next time we meet!" Zack's voice said with a smile in his friendly lilt.
Aerith shook her head, ignoring the desperate flutter in her chest from that memory but refusing to change her nightgown regardless…
Most everything she owned was pink now anyways.
Walking to her small vanity and the bowl of water, Aerith washed her face, her eyes sore and cheeks raw from how many times she ran her arm to wipe the salty tears from them on her way home. Thankful for the rain and the low amount of people who knew her to approach to ask what was wrong because she never cried; the perky Flower Girl always used to putting on a happy face to hide the pain of the last five years.
She refused to meet her own reflection.
As soon as Aerith sat on her bed with her feet on the comforter and knees close to her chest, ready to turn off the lamp and force herself to sleep (even using sleepel if she had to), she froze.
Thick braid frigid on her back had her pulling the plait over her shoulder to loosen it. The towel (also a soft pink) used to dry it further as she undid her hair a little at a time. When she made it to the base of her neck, her whole body began shaking like a fragile leaf on a windy day.
Against her fingers rested the satin of her ribbon that she wore every single day since she received it…
The one Zack gave her on their first date…
Zack...
Hair black as night with a white smile that put the sun to shame.
Handsome face, golden skin and electric blue eyes...
"...So pretty..."
"The face?"
"The eyes!"
"Wanna take a closer look? Eyes infused with Mako Energy - a SOLDIER trademark!"
The warmth of his breath and body broke her from the trance his eyes always caused, "Oh you!"
Zack's laughter clearly rang through her mind.
"They're the color of the sky, right?"
"...Yeah, but not scary at all!"
Her light, her sunshine, her best friend, her only love…
Aerith would never see him again. Never hear his voice. See him smile. Look into the prettiest blue eyes she'd ever seen. Eyes that were the same shade as the sky, a sky he told her he'd take her to see...but now he wouldn't. Never again would she experience his hugs or kisses or hold a conversation. He wouldn't visit anymore...
Because as much as she didn't want to believe it…
Zack was dead.
Zack wouldn't be coming through the church doors and into the sanctuary where they first met. He wouldn't smile and rub the back of his neck and apologize for taking so long to return. She'd never get to run into his outstretched arms (he gave the best hugs...) and press her face in his chest and listen to his heartbeat pounding against her cheek. She'd never get to forgive him and kiss him and never let him out of her sight…
Instead, he slipped right through her fingers.
He broke his promise of coming to visit like the last time they spoke…
…No matter how many letters she wrote, prayers, all her tiny wishes he promised to fulfill…
"Wishes? Let me guess, you have lots, right?"
"Only Twenty-three."
"Well you better write them all down so I don't forget any of them."
"It's okay, I put them all into one - I want to spend more time with you..."
They'd never get that time because Zack would never be coming home…
With shaking fingers, Aerith gently untied the ribbon from her hair (the last thing she really had left of him). The smoothness of its texture a whisper of silk against her skin as she pulled it from her loose hair to rest in her quivering palms.
The boy (angel) who fell from the sky and into her life was gone forever.
The one she thanked the Planet for giving her that very night they met was viciously ripped away without a thought. Without care. Like it didn't matter. All the lies about her being the last Cetra, the Planet's daughter, and yet Gaia thought it fit to take away the one good thing in her life. The one person she had for herself, her best friend and love of her life all wrapped up in a perfect package only to die after five years of silence…
Grief and anger and pain and hurt and emotions she had no words for swirled like a hornet's nest throughout her entire body.
Ribbon pressed tightly into her fist, Aerith wanted to hurl it across the room, yell and scream and curse the Planet for thinking it was okay to take Zack away from her. He was so many things to her (he was everything) and she didn't care that he left for five years as long as she had the hope he would come back. She'd wait forever for him if she had to but now that option was taken away forever…
…Hadn't she suffered enough?
Losing her father as a baby. Her childhood of growing up in a lab, watching her mother deteriorate from Hojo's disgusting "tests" until they finally escaped but her mother lost her life in the process. While life with Elmyra was good, the slums were cruel. No one wanted anything to do with the strange girl who talked to plants and spoke nonsense. Always alone, left to care for the flourishing flowers in an abandoned church and ignoring the eyes of the Turks on her at all times. She was a lonely 15 year old girl when a blue eyed angel fell from the sky, a gift from the planet.
In Zack, she had everything she could ever want.
He didn't think she was weird. He listened to her, fulfilled all her silly requests with a lopsided smile and eager steps. For two years, he was all hers; Zack was her first everything and in turn, he let her see his inner pain he hid behind blinding white smiles and a happy-go-lucky attitude. Hadn't Zack suffered enough too? The last year they were together, he'd come and tell her of all the anxieties SOLDIER caused him. He allowed her to see the face hidden behind the happy mask as he broke down in her church, her arms steady around his heaving shoulders. Losing his mentor, seeing his friends die and all he ever knew of SOLDIER falling apart around him and he confided in her that she was his only anchor in the harsh waters his life had become.
Zack was her sanctuary and Aerith believed she was his.
It wasn't some fling like her mother believed; with Zack, Aerith saw a future. A beautiful future filled with laughter, happiness, and a family of their own in a house they'd build together with a beautiful garden in the front. For five years, Aerith was so certain that upon Zack's return, he'd ask her to marry him (she'd fake thinking about it but of course she'd say yes) and then finally, they could start their life together; because if Zack was there with her, nothing could ever hurt again…
Now all of those plans, all those dreams they shared, were nothing more than dust.
Shoulders heaving, Aerith clenched the pink ribbon. Eyes shut tight upon recalling their last conversation all those years ago…his tender voice still so clear in her memory.
"Aerith?"
"Yay! I finally got through!"
"...Uh, listen… Now's not the best time. I-I'll call you later."
"No, no, you don't have to…"
"Alright, I'll come visit."
"I'll be here."
"I'll see you. I promise…"
A wave of grief she could never hope to weather finally broke her apart. Unable to swallow back the lump in her throat that threatened to choke her, Aerith screamed.
"You promised… Zack, you PROMISED!" Aerith's voice cracked with sobs, "You p-p-promised…" she cried, slight body shaking as she hugged her knees to her chest and wailed brokenly into the empty room. So empty, cold and dark. Her hollow heart where Zack's bright spirit once lived now a fathomless gaping hole.
So utterly destroyed by the sorrow that now consumed her, Aerith didn't feel the prickles of the lifestream as they surrounded Zack who slowly manifested next to her. A incorporeal form that couldn't manipulate his surroundings but made due as he reclined beside her on her pink comforter.
Zack, his heart not beating anymore, still felt it shatter as he watched Aerith (his beautiful Flower Girl) falling apart because of him.
He had been so close…
Only miles outside of Midgar where he lost the fight and ultimately lost the opportunity to see Aerith again. Robbed of his life by the same company he gave everything to. At least Cloud survived, and Gaia, knowing of his sacrifice, gave him the opportunity to at least have this. A small moment with Aerith (even if she didn't know he was there) before he needed to rest up for the cataclysmic events about to occur. World saving events that Cloud and Aerith would be instrumental in - Zack felt such pride at that fact but all that faded as he knew that instead of helping them at the front lines, he could only now watch it all transpire from the lifestream.
Aerith sobbed bitterly, cheeks swimming with tears and nose dripping in her heartbreak, Zack still couldn't believe how beautiful she was. And how it drove him crazy that he couldn't be there for her like she needed him to be… How he wished he could take away her sorrow even if means she forgot him entirely.
He didn't deserve her tears.
She deserved happiness and a field full of colorful flowers underneath a cloudless sky that she wasn't afraid of because he was there with her. Not in her room, alone in the dark with only the window providing light, falling apart for him…
Zack only wanted to be the cause of her laughter, her happiness, never her grief…
In that he failed as he did in so many other things throughout his short life…
"You promised…" Aerith suddenly whimpered, the sound akin to an animal in the worst kind of pain fled her throat, "Z-Zack…" his name a deep cacophony of such pain and misery lacing her voice and Zack couldn't take it.
Wanting to comfort her how she did for him once upon a time, Zack wrapped his arms around her.
Ignoring how parts of himself slipped through her like green mist, he encircled his arms around her shoulders. Pressing his chin atop of her head and wishing that he could feel her hair, her skin, but felt nothing. Just vestiges of her heart, her own life essence nestled deep in her chest where he couldn't reach…at least physically.
Zack rested his transparent hand atop her own that clenched the ribbon in a loose fist; the pink strip of silk he bought her on their first date symbolized all the promises it entailed.
Those two years they spent together were simultaneously the best and worst of his life. So much occurred but having Aerith there saved him more than she'd ever know. His sanctuary, his love, his beautiful angel - he wanted a life with her. The past year on the run with Cloud, he told his blonde companion all his wishful plans. Zack wanted to propose to Aerith. Take her out of Midgar, away from Shinra and the Turks and show her the world. Take her to Gongaga to meet his parents. Get married on a beach in Costa Del Sol and honeymoon at the Golden Saucer. Settle down somewhere with lots of flowers and some nice land to build a house and maybe have some kids…
But none of that would happen now…
"Aerith... I'm sorry," Zack whispered somehow, voice inaudible but no less certain, "I was on my way to see you, I promise, I was. I wanted nothing more than to see you again but… I… I just…I didn't make it. I tried my hardest, but I failed. I should have been here. I should have kept that promise, but I can't. For that, I'm so sorry, Aer…I'm so sorry."
Aerith's continued cries told him she didn't hear him, couldn't until she herself left this place of existence even with her Cetra heritage.
"P-Please, Zack," Aerith sniffled, rubbing her face against the ribbon he bought her so long ago that was clenched in her fist. "Please c-come back…g-g-give him back!… I...I just wanted to spend m-more time with him..."
Nonexistent heart shattering at her broken wishes, Zack felt himself fading.
The pull to the lifestream undeniable but in a desperate attempt to comfort her even the smallest bit from his separate plane of existence, Zack tightened his wispy hold on her. Pushing as deep as he could go and with the last of his strength and will, his essence brushed against hers in the barest of touches.
…A meaning of "I love you", "I'm sorry", and "I'll wait for you" all nestled into one…
Then he was gone.
Aerith jolted, her shaking subsiding for only a moment as she looked around. For only the scarcest hints of a second, she felt him… The sunlight returning for just a moment before leaving her cold again… Sniffling, Aerith glanced down at her shaking hand that held tightly to the ribbon and swore she'd felt a touch, much like the warmth of his hand over her own but that dissipated as well…
Pain resurfacing at his loss and the loss of their future together, Aerith buried her face into her knees and cried and cried and cried.
By the time Aerith lifted her head, her nose was stuffed and a headache was blooming painfully in her temples. Yet her physical ailments were nothing compared to the festering wound in her heart; Aerith wiped her eyes. The pain dulled only slightly by the sheer exhaustion leeching from her heart and soul. For a selfish moment, she wondered if it would be better if they never met but as she felt the brush of the ribbon and played with the beautiful fabric in her palm, those thoughts faded. If she could go back, relive those two years they were together knowing how it ended, she still would have done it all over again…
Ever so gently, she kissed the ribbon before placing it upon her pillow. Aerith lay down, resting her head against the pink fabric before closing her eyes. In those few hours of respite, Aerith dreamt about Zack one last time…
In the morning, she wrote him a 90th letter that she'd never send; she sealed it with a soft kiss and placed it under her pillow. From that moment, all who asked about Zack, she spun a story of him perhaps finding another girl to push away the unbearable grief the truth was wrapped in. It was easier to think of him that way and it continued even as a blonde SOLDIER equipped with Zack's sword fell through the church's ceiling a few weeks later.
A mere three months. A white Materia. A prayer. A sword.
Three months since he died, Zack kept his promise when he was there to welcome Aerith into the lifestream. Aerith kept hers when she wrapped her arms around Zack and refused to ever let him go as he spun her in a field of flowers beneath a perfect, endless blue sky. They were finally back together and now nothing would ever be able to tear them apart…
Never again.