A gunbarrel floated around in midair, looking for its intended target. A man in a fancy suit sporting a trilby was walking by, seeming unawares-
"Imperio!"
The gunbarrel swung around hazily, before drifting to the side of the screen, closing as if to blink, reforming again as the eye of one Alastor Moody reopened...
It was too damn bright. Particularly for a man recovering from a recent hangover. Attempting to squint blink himself back to normalcy. Pausing only briefly to view himself in front of a mirror, he shoved a comb across his scalp to attempt to straighten his unwieldy, curly gingery-blonde hair back.
Satisfied enough with the results, he walked in to meet his superior. "Head Auror." He nodded. "You wanted to see me?"
"Ah, yesh, Moody." Commander Bond nodded, speaking with a Scottish accent stronger than even his employee's. "Pleashe shit down, will you? And would you care for shome pumpkin juice?"
In a later era, when Moody was a far sadder and far wiser man, he'd have flat out refused the offer. He'd have insisted from consuming food and drink he himself had prepared beforehand. But this Moody still had all of his teeth, his leg still remained where it should be, his nose wasn't missing a chunk, and both of his eyes remained in their sockets. Besides, Commander Bond was an old mentor and a friend. So, he accepted the tea graciously.
"I jusht wanted to dishcuss your health, Moody." Commander Bond said, stirring his tea absentmindedly with wandless magic emanating from his fingers. "Physhicals being what they are, had to comply with the other departments."
"You know me. I'm not exactly an open book, Commander." Moody sighed. "No disrespect, but I'd appreciate it if we hurried this up. I have things to do, places to be-"
"Women to seduce? Men to kill?" Commander Bond interrupted.
"If necessary." Moody smirked. "Anything for the queen and country."
"Hmmm, thish asshingment should be right up your alley, then." Commander Bond said. "Leach hash decreed that all of the employees of the Minishtry, D.O.M.L.E particularly, have their recordsh be evaluated to see where we all shtand by an independent counshoultant. Ish what I'm saying clear to you?"
"As crystal. He's trying to suss out who's loyal to him and who isn't." Moody deduced. He inwardly rolled his eyes, even after breaking the record of most dark wizards apprehended and Bond was still lecturing him as if he was still an apprentice. "He suspects that subversive elements could attempt to undermine him. And D.O.M.L.E is The Ministry's muscle, therefore we're the biggest threat to him."
"Like I shaid, where we shtand." Commander Bond said. "Point being, he ish inshisting that Aurorsh take better care of themshelvesh. We're the front line if everything goesh to hell. We have to hold ourshelvesh to a lofty shtandard. And you have shown that. I commend you for it."
"But there's a 'however' coming." Moody said.
"However, the independent counshel hash deemed you unfit to sherve - hear me out -" Commander Bond raised his hand to silence Moody, who had opened his mouth to fire a remark regarding the independent counsel and the pegasus they rode in on. "- they do appreciate your record. They do. You jusht need to fulfill one more requirement and you're back on active duty, no problem."
"Hmmm." Moody said. "And what is this oh-so-important requirement I have overlooked?"
"Vacation daysh." Commander Bond said.
"But I haven't used any of them." Moody said. "Check with Moneypenny, I've said hello to her every single day on the way to the assignment room."
"That'sh the problem." Commander Bond said. "The independent counshel feelsh you've been running yourshelf ragged, and for the life of me I couldn't come up with a rebuttal. You need shome time off, recharge your batteriesh."
"Batteries?" Moody scoffed. "Why would a blunt force weapon need to be recharged? Unless I suppose the warriors who were holding a battering ram would need to retrace their steps before 'recharging'…"
"Never mind I shaid anything." Commander Bond said. "It'sh a Muggle term."
"It's because I was in Slytherin, isn't it?" Moody growled. "I might have known. Leach doesn't trust me because he's a Ravenclaw, and he loves the sound of his own echo chamber-"
"My agentsh's Hogwartsh houshesh was never once dishcussed when I was briefed on which agentsh of mine were required to be put on leave." Commander Bond said simply. "I am disappointed to dishcover that you are prejudiced, Moody."
"Prejudiced?! Hah!" Moody scoffed. "Please. If those wimps in the independent council bothered to research me, they'd have figured out I have no ill will towards the other houses."
"That'sh not the kind of prejudice I was implying, Moody." Commander Bond said.
"Then what are you implying?" Moody said, raising his eyebrow. "That I'm a Pure-Blood Supremacist just because I voted for the other guy?"
"Pleashe, don't make this a political isshue." Commander Bond asked gently. "I do sho deshpishe politicsh."
"Well, you were appointed to a public office, and it's the nineteen-sixties." Moody rebutted. "Your entire job revolves around political issues."
"I wouldn't let anyone elshe here talk to me like that, Moody." Commander Bond's eyes flared dangerously.
"No one else is as good as me." Moody said. "I'm not a kid anymore, your threats don't scare me anymore. You can't afford to lose me. I'll see myself out, bring you back some Muggle-Baiters before lunch. To hell with your rules."
Moody tried to storm out, but Bond pressed a button under his desk and the door closed.
"Hm, this is new. Probably won't work, but I'll try anything once. Alohamora!" Moody said, but the lock didn't budge.
"It wash never my rule." Commander Bond said.
"What?" Moody asked, turning around.
"The timesh are changing." Commander Bond said. "The public ushed to love men like ush. Now people shay we're a relic of a bygone era. The lasht time we were remotely usheful was fighting that bashtard Grindelwald, and even then Aurorsh made shome very public blundersh during the war. Remember New York, '26? Parish, the next year? The Minishter certainly won't let me forget."
"They hate us until they need us. That's how it's always been." Moody said.
"I thought sho too." Commander Bond said. "But I'm not really the one who hash the power to make you take a vacation or not take a vacation, Moody. I jusht thought it would be besht coming from a familiar face, so you don't get in any more trouble. You're the besht man we've got, don't throw your career away over thish."
A few moments of silence filled the room as Moody took all of this in.
"Very well. I'll take that vacation." Moody shrugged. "I've been wanting to try Jamaican spirits, anyway."
"Additionally, I mean to inform you for the time being your conshumption of alcohol and tobacco ish being monitored as well." Commander Bond added. "And I wouldn't over-fraternize with any women, either, too many cases of paternal shuits showing up on my desk, you undershtand."
"Well, that's no fun. Do I at least get to gamble?" Moody groaned.
"Ash long ash it'sh your own money, it'sh acceptable. Shee you in a week or sho." Commander Bond said cheerfully, pressing the button on his desk once more. Moody now understood he was dismissed.
"Have a good vacation, Alastor." Miss Moneypenny said, blowing him a kiss he caught gladly.
"Thanks. I'll bring you back a snowglobe." Moody said. "It'll say From Russia, With Love."
"I'd prefer it said To My Love, From Russia, but I'll take what I can get, I suppose." Miss Moneypenny sighed.
…
After the first stop of his visit in Jamaica onwards, Alastor Moody simply couldn't get a certain song out of his head. Kingston Calypso (Three Blind Mice) by Bryon Lee and the Dragonaires. He was merrily humming it as he reentered The Auror Office a few weeks later, sporting a healthy tan.
"You look like a cat that's eaten a canary." Miss Moneypenny mused.
"Have I ever!" Moody said. "I hate to admit it, but it wasn't quite as wretched a waste of my time as I imagined. Did you get the snowglobe?"
Miss Moneypenny tapped the snowglobe on her desk with her overlong fingernails fondly.
"How did the rest of the world treat you?" Miss Moneypenny leaned over, face in her hands.
"First stop was Jamaica. The beaches there are great for morning jogging, if you can stand the heat."
...
He had no clue how exactly a Hebridean Black had gotten so far off from its natural habitat. But Moody hardly had the time to puzzle it out much as he was running for his life at the moment. Crimson flames gushing out of its steely jaw as though there were many hands reaching specifically for the soles of his feet...
...
"Next was a train through Russia - a little bit of Russia's cold to contrast Jamaica's heat, you know."
...
A suitcase smashed on top of the head of Moody's unwitting assailant, who had been following him for the past few stops. The assassin immediately fell to the ground in Moody's train cabin.
"Petrificus Totalus! Glacius! There, that should hold you until we get to Omsk. Wait a minute…"
Moody opened his suitcase to discover to his dismay the jostled suitcase had shattered the snowglobe, spilling the glitter and tiny plastic pieces all over his luggage.
"Look at what you made me do! The dragon was clever, but this was unoriginal and low. You should be ashamed of yourself."
The back of the man's head began to bleed profusely.
"Same to you, commie."
...
"When I saw the beauty of Louisiana, well, I thought I was dreaming."
...
The Jamaican wizard Fitzroy Campbell overlooked his hostage, cackling madly and stroking a white cat. His attire was composed of the only thing this villain loved - gold.
"Do you expect me to talk, Fitzroy?" Moody asked, pushing against his restraints.
"No, Mr. Moody, I expect you to DIE!" Fitzroy sneered, aiming his infamous golden wand at Moody's crotch.
"So much for bedside manners."
...
"My trip was delayed a bit. Had to attend an impromptu funeral in the Bahamas for an old gambling partner of mine, Trevor Fitzroy. The water's lovely this time of year."
...
"My deepest condolences, madame." Moody offering a sympathetic hand to Trevor's surprisingly unfazed widow. However, just as she took it, Moody punched her in the stomach and flipped her over his shoulder through a window into the pool outside of Trevor's mansion.
"Aha!" Moody said out of the window as Ms. Fitzroy's makeup came off to reveal a man in drag. "I knew something was off about you. Ms. Fitzroy is allergic to asparagus, and would never touch the stuff. But it's all over your dining room table. Tell me, where is the real Ms. Fitzroy?"
"I'll never talk!" The imposter said. "You don't scare me!"
"Lovely things, these extra-long extension cords." Moody grinned mischievously, summoning a toaster and magically extending its cord so it reached 60 feet. "Back in the day, I got 'P' in Muggle Studies, couldn't continue it. However, I recall what they told me about toasters and what happens when you submerge them. Modern convenience is shocking. Positively shocking. Wouldn't you say, Ms. Fletcher?"
"I'll talk! You scare me!"
…
"But if I had to pick a favorite, I'd say Japan. If anything, for the clear blue skies."
…
Various curses filled the skies as several helicopters zoomed over the ocean attempting to shoot down Moody's plane.
"Oh, blast these twirlybirds." Moody groaned. "They're making my stomach sick, and we're going to be late for our reservations."
"Lucky for us, I already packed us a picnic lunch." The genuine Ms. Fitzroy said, withdrawing a basket from the back.
"Mmmm, tasty." Moody said, leaning out of the side of the helicopter and firing a volley of concussive blasts. "But when we land, remember, don't hog all the sushi to yourself this time. You had your six!"
…
"But when you get right down to it, there's no place like home." Moody sighed. "I'm eager to get back to work."
Moody gaily tossed his fedora onto the hat stand, whistling his new favorite ear worm as he entered the elevator, only for Miss Moneypenny to enter with him.
"Oh, my. You flatter me, but I've already taken so much time off-"
Miss Moneypenny brought down her replacement snow globe on top of something indistinct. Reaching out her wand, she levitated an invisibility cloak off of the very same assassin who had attempted to kill Moody back in Russia, a muscular man with a bowler hat.
"Oh, dear, I've broken the present you've given me!" Miss Moneypenny exclaimed.
"Don't worry about it. I broke one or two myself. Didn't see him there." Moody said. "I've gotten rusty over holiday, ignoring my own mantra of constant vigilance. Sometimes, one wishes for a pair of eyes in the back of their head. You don't think he'll mind if I take his invisibility cloak, do you?"
"Knock yourself out." Miss Moneypenny offered. "By the way… you left so quickly, I forgot to debrief you."
"You know, Moneypenny, I never thought you felt that way about me." Moody said in admiration as Miss Moneypenny kicked the assassin out of the elevator and pressed the hold button. He was already rather proud of the excuse he was planning to deliver to Commander Bond as to why he was late for their meeting - elevator troubles.
Miss Moneypenny leaned in and kissed him.
"Never say never again."
Not Quite The End
Auror 007 will return in the next Fanfiction thriller..."On Her Ministry's Secret Service"
Starring George Lazenby and Roger Lloyd-Pack