Alphys' Modern Life: Camera Shy

by heavensgate348

In this Undertale fanfic, the cast of Undertale re-enacts Rocko's Modern Life's "Camera Shy".

One day in Waterfall, Gaster quit his job and decided to just leave the smartest child he could find do his dirty work for him; of course, that child was Alphys, prompting the passage of time to then literally walk right up to her and punch her in the face.

"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang as Alphys grew into a teenager and got pelted from every which way with spitballs and dodgeballs until she fainted head-over-heels onto the ground from exhaustion, then was unceremoniously scraped off of the ground and crammed full of both scientific AND anime knowledge (yes, not one but TWO massive books literally stuffed directly into her head) by the suddenly God-sized hands of Gaster.

"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang yet again as Undyne suddenly appeared out of nowhere and ate the leftover earwax from Alphys' traumatic book-cramming experience, prompting her to then scoop Alphys up into her arms and cuddle her lovingly as one of Gaster's god-hands appeared yet again and flicked the both of them halfway across the Underground into Hotland, where they hit the hot boiling ground so hard that they literally melted into puddles of liquid; luckily, Asgore was standing right next to them, so he was somehow able to literally just stretch them back up into their former solid selves.

"GAAAHHH!" the three of them screamed their brains out as they suddenly saw Gaster chasing after them, prompting them to immediately take off running as fast as they could!

"ALPHYYYS' MODDDERRRN LIFFFE!" Nice Cream Guy sang yet AGAIN as the four of them ran past enormous living statues of Omega Flowey, Endogeny, Lemon Bread, Reaper Bird, Snowdrake's Mother and Father, and Memoryhead...all with very angry looks in their eyes.

"FUUU-HU-HU-HU-HUUU! THAT WAS INSANE!" Undyne laughed as her and Alphys and Asgore ran into the front door of a giant enormous television with the words ALPHYS' MODERN LIFE displayed on it, which then toppled over and crushed Gaster into a slimy eldritch pancake.

Shortly afterward, the title card for the current week's episode, Camera Shy, was revealed; surely enough, it depicted Alphys cowering in a garbage can with cameras pointed directly at her from almost every single angle possible, with her clothes mockingly draped over the lid.

Once the opening credits had finally specified that Toby Fox had created the game and that Xander Martin had written the episode, the show promptly kicked off at high noon with...oh, dear God, what is that thing...Endogeny cheerfully and very, VERY intimately playing with Alphys (who, at least for the time being, had rather curiously stripped herself down to her bikini and underwear) on her barren and rocky front lawn in Hotland, his numerous slimy and amorphous leg appendages flagellating and slobbering all over the place in the process.

"Tee hee hee! Oh, stop it, you're making me BLUSH!" Alphys giggled and squeaked as Endogeny playfully licked all over her amazingly ticklish little feet as well as her huggably chubby torso, causing both his endearingly pudgy little tail and hers alike to wag adorably with happiness while the local cameramen (Undyne and Papyrus) tried desperately not to laugh.

"ARF! RUFF! WOOF!" Endogeny barked as the two of them rolled back and forth on the ground while cuddling each other in only the most sickeningly sweet, warm, cozy and endearing manner possible.

"I love you too, pal!" Alphys laughed as she and Endogeny stuck out their tongues and lovingly entangled them together in a wet sloppy french-kiss, exchanging horrific amounts of DNA between each other while Alphys' dainty little dinosaur toes curled themselves romantically with excitement.

"OHH, THAT WAS SO DELICIOUSLY SWEET OF YOU!" Alphys threw her head back, blushed intensely and moaned at the top of her lungs in arousal, licking her lips and drooling absentmindedly in sheer dumbfounded sexual pleasure as Endogeny's thick, gooey mess of totally-not-seminal slobber dripped in copious abundance from her outstretched tongue.

"HUH?!" Alphys gasped in surprise as she swung her head around to the back of her and saw Undyne and Papyrus standing right behind her, with cameras in hand as well as jaws hung firmly open in disbelief.

"Um...ehehe...I can...um...I c-can explain!" Alphys stammered embarrassedly, twiddling her fingers together and sweating anxiously while the two of them stared at her in utter confusion, both wondering why they were so disturbingly turned on by...whatever had just happened.

ABOUT A MINUTE OR TWO OF EXPLAINING LATER, BACK IN ALPHYS' LAB...

"My god, Alphys, you really ARE screwed-up in the head, aren't you?!" Undyne gasped in shock, covering her mouth with her hands in second-hand embarrassment and trying not to puke from how incredibly disgusting the mental images that Alphys had just left in her head were.

"Well, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess I kind of really am..." Alphys sobbed as she curled up into a ball and wept miserably on her revolving office chair, pouting in self-indulgent shame.

"Oh, for the love of Christ, Alphys, MAN THE HELL UP!" Undyne yelled at Alphys, grabbing the revolving portion of her chair and spinning it so hard that it literally flew right off of its hinges and sent Alphys careening directly into the nearest wall, conveniently flattening her into the exact shape of an accordion...which, coincidentally enough, was also Papyrus' favorite instrument!

"Oh, UN-DYNE?" Papyrus winked teasingly at Undyne, with a profoundly mischievous smirk on his bony, scrawny face. "Are you thinking what I'M thinking?"

"OH, HELL YES!" Undyne laughed uproariously as Papyrus handed over the camera to her and then headed over to Alphys' ever-so-recent crash site, picked her up, and gently blew her off.

"PAPYRUS, YOU LITERALLY HAD ONE JOB! ONE FREAKING JOB AND YOU'VE ALREADY BLOWN IT SO GODDAMNED HARD THAT- you know what, forget it, I've said way too much already!" Undyne groaned, facepalming herself in shame.

"Alright, so...umm...how exactly am I supposed to get all of this pesky dust off of her, then? Tell me, Undyne, am I supposed to blow it off or-

"SUCCULENT AND OSTENTATIOUSLY TEMPTING EVERMORE IS THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT OF CARNAL KNOWLEDGE TO THOSE OF US WHO HAVE NEVER QUITE EXPERIENCED SUCH AN ENIGMATICALLY AESTHETICALLY PLEASING INTELLECTUAL ACTIVITY FOR THEMSELVES." Undyne monologued robotically, slapping her hand over Papyrus' mouth before he could finish his sentence and probably embarrass her even further as a result.

"Very well then..." Papyrus shrugged, rolling his eyes in a profoundly googly fashion as he stretched Alphys out and then squeezed her tightly (and rather painfully, of course), causing her to produce a very distinctly accordion-esque noise from her throat as her eyes bugged out violently. "I suppose the great Papyrus will have to perform our obligatory musical number!"

"Let me guess, it's at least something like your freaking MILLIONTH lyrical arrangement of Bonetrousle so far?" Undyne sighed, grabbing a stool from the nearby storage closet, setting the camera on top of it to face Papyrus' performance and then heading back into the closet to grab a sombrero, maracas, a ridiculously fake mustache and a HELL YES MEXICANS T-shirt.

"You betcha, it is! NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!" Papyrus laughed heartily as Undyne donned the fabled Mexican disguise, prompting the two of them to immediately begin playing their instruments while the background drumbeat somehow magically materialized out of thin air.

"Today we learned that Alphys is nowhere near as cute or as friendly as she wants you to think!" Papyrus sang while the poor lizard prayed to God for her current predicament to end.

"Last time we went to Taco Bell, she ate all the spicy burritos and threw up in the sink!" Undyne sang, already beginning to feel the stereotypes crawling on her back.

"Her only true friends are her own horrifying eldritch abominations of her own make!" Papyrus sang while the Amalgamates downstairs literally danced their heads off to his and Undyne's performance.

"And if she isn't fricking annoying, then I guess that my outfit isn't chintzy and fake!" Undyne sang as she twirled and spun around aimlessly, shaking her maracas all over the place wildly.

"Contrary to popular belief, she is the most underrated of the characters!" Papyrus surprisingly complimented Alphys, inciting little more than a self-contained eyeroll from her in response.

"Despite the fact that her major twist is every bit as predictable as saucy turds!" Undyne sang, suddenly becoming acutely self-aware of Alphys' agonizing pain and hating herself deeply for it as a result.

"At least she isn't built around a single measly trope and has more than just one dimension!" Papyrus laughed heartily, glaring somewhat angrily and rather disappointedly at Undyne.

"At any rate, it still doesn't even come anywhere near making up for all of her sin!" Undyne and Papyrus sang together in a duet, posing flamboyantly for the spotlight as their show abruptly ended.

"So, what happens next?" Papyrus asked Undyne, returning all of the stage props to their rightful, proper places while Undyne put her mouth directly over Alphys' and blew her full of air again, effectively reinflating her back into her normal state.

"Oh, I'll TELL you what happens next!" Undyne laughed, hoisting Alphys onto her shoulders for an ever-so-adorable piggyback ride while Papyrus eagerly filmed the event on video camera.

"WHAT?" Alphys asked meekly, shivering and sweating with dreadful anxiety and trepidation as Undyne carried the poor girl outside onto the front lawn.

"LET'S GO PRACTICE THE FINE ART OF COMPILING TOGETHER AN INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING SERIES OF VIDEOS FOR ALPHYS' PARENTS, STARTING WITH THE ONE WE JUST FILMED." Undyne and Papyrus cackled ominously as they made their way up the Hotland elevator system into New Home, where the adorably fluffy goat hierarchy that was the Dreemurr family resided.

AT THE DREEMURRS' RESIDENCE...

"So tell me, Alphys, exactly how much DO you happen to know about this so-called anime of yours? Mew Mew Kissy Cutie, to be exact?" Asgore asked inquisitively, flipping his way exhaustedly through the vast multitude of pages in an unnecessarily massive book known only as Homestuck as he sat cross-legged on his recliner chair in the living room while Toriel and Papyrus were busy cooking a whole bunch of sweet, succulent pies in the kitchen. (Yes, Undyne was handling the video camera, obviously.)

"Well, if I were to ever truly expound the full extent of my Mew Mew knowledge upon you, I feel that it would most likely give you no less than a devastating hybrid of weapons-grade autism and brain cancer...and then kill you, thus relievingly ending the resulting pain anyway." Alphys shrugged and sighed dejectedly, coughing politely into the side of her hand and readjusting her glasses as a pair of robotic Froggits suddenly entered the living room through a secret tile-hatch in the floor, hopped up onto the leg-rest of Asgore's recliner, and promptly began licking his gorgeously smooth soles.

"Little do you know that this is a trap designed to SEDUCE you!" Asgore laughed heartily as the Froggits' tongues began slowly releasing dirt/sweat pheromones all over his massive, lovely feet.

"You see, the more incessant talking I have to put up with from absolute chatterboxes like you and my wife Toriel whilst sitting upon this majestic couch of mine, the more filthy and reeking these babies will be by the time I finally allow you (or Toriel, obviously) the rather dubious honor of being able to shamelessly lick them like a dog yourself!" Asgore chuckled, wiggling his royal toes teasingly at Alphys, whose nose was already bleeding up a storm just from the mere glancing sight of them, let alone the thought of what she secretly wanted to do with them.

"My dear, ever-loving god, you seriously cannot even HOPE to resist the allure of these little beauties of mine, can you?" Asgore laughed (partially from how much the Froggits' tongues were tickling his feet) as he kicked back in his seat, put on a pair of earmuffs and relaxed smugly.

After taking an extremely long and deep breath to prepare herself for the sheer magnitude of what she was about to say, Alphys finally let loose with her longest anime rant yet. "Well, you see, Mew Mew Kissy Cutie is, like, literally THE best anime I've ever seen in my entire life even though it's really just a freaking generic early-nineties Saturday morning cartoon that honestly makes me wonder what in the actual hell I've been doing with my life almost as much as the recent Amalgamate fiasco, which uh, yeah, let's just pretend that that never even happened in the first place, shall we?

"Anyway, Mew Mew Kissy Cutie is about this really cute and really, really hot neko girl who just so happens to have this weird-ass superpower where she literally turns people into furry anime trash and/or gains the ability to control their minds if and when she kisses them specifically on the lips or forehead respectively, and if she feels so inclined, why, she can even shrink herself down to itty-bitty little bug size and sneak inside their heads to take control of their brains manually from the inside in what totally wasn't just some weird-ass fetish that the writers, for some odd reason, felt like they REALLY needed to freaking let out in the form of a full-length, ridiculously drawn-out story arc with almost no real buildup or even payoff whatsoever..."

ONE HALF HOUR LATER...

"...and that's (huff) why Mew Mew (puff) Kissy Cutie (cough) 2 (wheeze) freaking (gasp) SUCKS so much more than, I mean, compared to the first film, because everyone knows that the 90s was so much better than the 2000s! It totally isn't just blind nostalgic fanboyism, you hear?" Alphys coughed, choked, gasped and sputtered as she finally finished her painstakingly colossal introduction speech, struggling to regain her breath. "So, uhh...did you catch all of that?"

"What? Oh, sorry, I'm afraid I wasn't even listening!" Asgore laughed as he took off his earmuffs, bookmarked his book for later and then closed it and set it down on the floor next to him, his foot servants unceremoniously returning to the basement from whence they came.

"Oh, well, uh...n-never mind that!" Alphys laughed nervously, drumming her fingers together and panting like a dog as she tiptoed reluctantly toward Asgore's indescribably nasty and repulsive feet. "Let's just deal with the thing that I REALLY came here for, shall we?"

"So, how do they smell?" Asgore asked teasingly as Alphys fervently sniffed his rancid, muddy feet, her face reflexively shriveling up and turning green as lettuce from just how unbelievably awful they smelled.

"OHH, THEY SMELL LIKE ROTTEN, MOLDY LIMBURGER CHEESE MIXED WITH WEEK-OLD DIARRHEA!" Alphys moaned with arousal, losing her appetite and throwing up all over them.

"Wow...just WOW...you really do have only the most honorable and lofty of romantic standards, don't you, Alphys?" Asgore sighed disappointedly as Alphys licked her own puke off of his feet.

"Oh believe me, I'm every bit as tasteful as they come! Especially when it comes to FETISHES!" Alphys blushed and giggled humiliatedly, flashing her ever-so-adorkable buck-toothed smile at him as a mixture of dirt, sweat, mud, dead bugs and vomit dripped from her teeth.

"You do know that was sarcasm, right?" Asgore sighed, curling his toes and scrunching his soles as Alphys licked them clean...or at least cleaner than they were before for sure.

"YOU SAY THAT LIKE IT'S A BAD THING." Alphys teased him as she lovingly sucked his toes.

"Hey, everybody in the general vicinity!" Papyrus waltzed out into the living room and greeted everyone. "Guess what me and Toriel made specifically for the two of you sweethearts?"

"WHAT?" Alphys asked, her slime-dripping tongue hanging shamelessly out of her mouth as she turned her head around and glanced over at him to show at she was paying attention.

"PIES!" Papyrus laughed as Toriel jumped out into the living room with whipped-cream pies in both hands and threw both of them directly into Alphys' and Asgore's faces.

"You were originally going to end up giving me a footjob, weren't you?" Asgore glared somewhat disgustedly at Alphys as he got out a shaving razor and trimmed his beard.

"Uh...footjob? W-what's that?" Alphys stammered and blushed awkwardly with embarrassment as she licked the creamy white substance off of her face and swallowed it wholesomely.

"YOU HAVE MUCH TO LEARN, MY CHILD." Toriel winked at her, kneeling down and patting her lovingly on the back.

A FEW MORE MINUTES LATER...

It was a quiet, peaceful evening in New Home. Not a creature other than Alphys, Toriel, Asgore and Undyne was stirring, not even a mouse...anyway, I'm pretty sure you get the idea, so let's just get on with it.

In the master bedroom, the aforementioned Asgore and Toriel were doing...very intimate and private husband-and-wife things with each other...or whatever the hell it was that they were doing, because honestly, I'm really not entirely sure myself.

"OH, ASGORE, YOU ALWAYS DID KNOW HOW TO BRING EXCITEMENT TO A WOMAN'S LIFE!" Toriel giggled and blushed, lying on the gargantuan king-and-queen-size bed and throwing a bunch of human plates (which were now useless since the Dreemurrs had magic plates that automatically washed themselves after meals) in the trident-wielding Asgore's general direction; before you ask, yes, they were both indeed completely and udderly naked.

"IT'S JUST LIKE THE PRESIDENTS ALWAYS SAID: SPEAK LOUDLY AND CARRY A BIG, LONG STICK!" Asgore laughed uproariously as he swung his massive trident directly into each plate and smashed it into god-knows-how-many sharp, jagged pieces, completely disregarding the fact that him and Toriel (oh, and also Alphys, let's not forget her either) were both perpetually barefoot.

"SWEET DEARIE ME, YOU'VE MADE SUCH AN ATROCIOUS MESS ALL OVER THE PLACE!" Toriel moaned with pleasure while Asgore swept up only about half of the pieces with his broom and left the rest of them in a very deliberate position on the floor, hoping that Toriel wouldn't notice.

"HONEY?!" Asgore called out for Toriel as he walked into the master bedroom's built-in bathroom and took a hot, steamy shower while Alphys and Undyne spied on him through the house's security system, which they had only recently hacked into to make it compatible with mobile-phone video streaming for pretty much the sole purpose of being able to record this.

"WHAT IS IT, FLUFFYBUNS?" Toriel yelled back.

"We're almost out of shaving cream." Asgore groaned in a profoundly deadpan tone, lathering soap all over his beautiful man-boobs and wondrous nether regions while Alphys promptly creamed herself and passed out onto the couch, still firmly grasping her phone in her left hand.

THE NEXT MORNING...

"Sigh...it just feels like there's something dreadfully missing in our relationship with each other!" Toriel laid on her bed and sighed as she gazed sadly upon the family portrait on her bedside table while Asgore was busy gardening and watering flowers over in his thickly overgrown throne room. Alphys and Undyne were already wide awake, as was pretty much to be expected on Toriel's part, but Papyrus had already gotten severely bored and fallen asleep.

"It's just...as a goat, I'm severely offended by this whole debacle we've been going through! The way he ALWAYS brushes me aside as if I'm nothing more than a petty annoyance to him...the way he just IGNORES me...it's seriously as if he isn't even INTERESTED in me anymore!" Toriel sobbed miserably, setting the picture back down on the table and burying her head in her hands.

"Gee, ya THINK?" Flowey suddenly popped up out of the flowerpot that also happened to be sitting on that very same bedside table and jeered sarcastically at her, having already foreseen his mother's divorce with Asgore long before it had actually happened in reality.

"SHUT YOUR DAMNED PIE-HOLE, FLOWEY!" Toriel scolded Flowey angrily, shooing him away with a fiery flick of her hand. "Pardon my language, but seriously, this s%# does NOT concern you!"

"Well, who exactly DOES it concern, then, hmm?" Flowey retorted with an irritatingly smug grin on his face. "Alphys and/or her (almost) equally hot girlfriend, I presume?"

"You got the first part right, I'll give you that much." Toriel sighed and blushed, hanging her head in lesbian-crush-induced shame while Flowey sang TORIEL AND ALPHYS SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G on endless repeat...at least until Toriel threatened to burn him alive, that is.

MEANWHILE IN THE LIVING ROOM...

"Ladidi la la laa laaa..." Alphys was singing adorably and squeakily to herself as she watered the plants in Toriel's living room after having finally watered all of the other ones.

"HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE FREAKING POINTING THAT THING, WOULD YOU?!" Flowey suddenly popped up from one of the pots just to angrily and loudly yell at her.

"Dude, seriously, what the hell is your PROBLEM?!" Alphys yelled back at him, setting the now-empty watering can down on the floor and poking him savagely with her big chubby snout.

"Nothing, I just wanted to tell you that Asgore is a total CUCK!" Flowey laughed, immediately disappearing back into the ground and leaving Alphys to make what she would of that statement.

"Oh, my...so, I guess that means that Toriel has a not-so-secret girl crush on me...oh my God, that's so freaking ADOR(K)ABLE! EEEEEEEEE!" Alphys squeed and jumped for joy with delight.

"Oh, ALPHYS?" Toriel walked into the living room and called out to her.

"YESSS?" Alphys teasingly replied back, glaring seductively at Toriel while playing with her quills and crossing her legs.

"I don't like where this is going..." Flowey warned them, trembling with anticipation.

"Would you like to watch some TEE-VEE with me?" Toriel teased Alphys, glaring seductively back at her while playing with her ears and stroking her fluffy hair with her fuzzy fingers.

"Stop." Flowey commanded them, waving a leaf at them disapprovingly.

"Why, of COURSE, my sweet sexy darling!" Alphys giggled and blushed, putting her hands over her mouth like an adorable little bunny rabbit as she and Toriel leapt onto the couch and snuggled together on it.

"Stop!" Flowey yelled angrily at them, becoming progressively more agitated by the second.

"Alphys, we've got such a WONDERFULLY huge day ahead of us, you wouldn't even believe it!" Toriel laughed merrily, shooting a thumbs-up to the camerawoman and picking up the TV remote. "Gee, uh, thanks..." Undyne blushed and mumbled internally in response.

"STOP!" Flowey screamed at them, teleporting over to where Toriel was busy snuggling with Alphys and whispering both angrily and strongly discouragingly into her ear.

"Mom, just between you and me, you're a freaking IDIOT! This needs to stop NOW!" Flowey hissed and sneered at Toriel while she just absentmindedly brushed him away with her hand.

"Ignore that little pest, he's just jealous that he isn't the one who gets to...well...get down and dirty with me tonight, if you catch my drift!" Toriel snickered as she playfully, teasingly stroked Alphys' quills, cuddled her lovingly and gave her a nice, wet, sloppy smooch on the head.

"WHAT?! WHAT THE F#% ?!" Flowey gasped in horror, shaking his head and smacking himself with his vines in utter disbelief at what Toriel had just said (and done, for that matter) as she removed her dress and bikini, grabbed Alphys' head and shoved it directly into her bosom.

"MFFF! TORIEL, PLEASE STOP IT, YOU'RE LITERALLY SUFFOCATING ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Alphys screamed, flailing her stubby little limbs about and gasping for air as Toriel pressed her chubby little lizard head firmly in-between her plump, cushiony, ever-so-gorgeous breasts.

"Boy, THAT'LL be something really fun to show to Alphys' parents!" Undyne giggled and blushed, covering her mouth with her hand to hold back her impending fit of laughter.

"Come on, cutie-pie, let's go cook up some delightful ADVENTURE together!" Toriel redressed herself and skipped merrily across the house to the front door with Alphys lovingly holding her hand.

"Hey, uh, before we go...would you like to redress yourself into something even more fashionable, sweetie?" Toriel asked Alphys curiously, patting her on the head gently.

"Um...well..." Alphys sighed, looking behind her and seeing Undyne drawing her finger across her neck ominously. "Um, y-yeah, S-SURE!" she stammered frantically, trembling in terror.

A FEW SECONDS LATER...

"So, uhh...how do I look now?" Alphys sighed and blushed, crossing her arms behind her back and crossing her legs awkwardly as she nervously awaited Toriel's response; despite everything, her polka-dotted dress was still just that...a goofy polka-dotted dress.

"AWWWWW!" Toriel squeed with childlike joy, coverin her mouth with her paws like a little lop-eared bunny rabbit as she and Alphys walked lovingly out the door together, their excitement officially reaching full throttle while Undyne grabbed Papyrus from the guest bedroom and walked out the front door behind them.

"Oh boy, what's she going to do next?" Papyrus groaned, waking up groggily and rubbing his eyes.

"Oh, you'll see, pal, trust me!" Undyne laughed heartily, slapping Papyrus on the back so hard that he ended up accidentally spitting out his loose tooth.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, AT THE SKI RESORT IN SNOWDIN...

"Alright, so remember, guys, what did we just go over?" Sans asked his new students as they all filed together into a vast formation atop one of the Snowdin wilderness' tallest mountains.

"Rock-a-bye baby, rock-a-bye boo..." Toriel sang softly to Alphys as she comfortingly cradled her thickly bundled-up lizard body in her arms and rocked her gently back and forth, kissing her lovingly on the nose and nuzzling her just like how an actual mother would with her baby.

"MURR..." Papyrus and Undyne huddled together and murred, trying not to throw up from how sickeningly adorable this new Alphys X Toriel shipping was already turning out to be.

"Oh my freaking Christ, would you two PLEASE just PAY ATTENTION for once?!" Sans yelled frustratedly at them in a voice tone that sounded remarkably like Vinny from Vinesauce, pointing squarely at Alphys and Toriel as everyone in the crowd glared angrily at them.

"Oh, uh, sorry, we were just having a little...uhh...m-moment there! Ehehe!" Alphys chuckled and stammered awkwardly as Sans rolled his eyes irritatedly and continued his lecture.

"Okay, so-"

"Um, excuse me?" Alphys asked Sans nervously, raising her hand.

"WHAT?!" Sans yelled exhaustedly at her, beginning to lose his patience with her.

"Can I go to the bathroom, please?" Alphys asked, crossing her legs and squirming as she struggled to hold in her urine.

"YES..." Sans groaned.

"Um...can I...uh...watch her do it? For science?" Toriel giggled and stammered embarrassedly, blushing quite a bit as the crowd shot all kinds of weird and disturbed looks at her.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, NO!" Sans yelled furiously at her, sticking his tongue out in disgust.

"Alright, look, guys, we've been over this a freaking ZILLION times, so PLEASE don't botch it up this time. When you spread your legs apart from each other, we call it Spread Eagle." Sans reluctantly explained, knowing very well that there were quite a few females in the audience.

"OOH...SPREAD EAGLE...OH BOY, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET ME SOME OF THAT..." Toriel thought hornily to herself as Alphys came back from the bathroom and cocked her eyebrow somewhat offendedly at Sans.

"Oh, and also, get this: when you bring your legs back together, we call it Erect Tower. And if you erect tower when you should spread eagle, you're gonna have a bad time!" Sans chuckled.

"Alright, now he's just f%# ing with us." Papyrus groaned, facepalming himself in second-hand embarrassment.

"Papyrus, for f%# 's sake, watch your goddamned LANGUAGE!" Undyne scolded him, smacking him upside the head with the handle of her ski (the left one, to be exact).

"Alright, so...last but not least, allow me to present the honorary outfits to our special guests; yes, I'm referring to YOU two, Alphys and Toriel!" Sans chuckled as he magically summoned a pair of aerodynamic, skintight ski suits out of thin air and levitated them over to their new owners.

"Wow, this is super-DUPER comfy! Heck, I think I'd even go as far as to say that it feels like I'm wearing NOTHING AT ALL!" Alphys smugly blushed and giggled as she wagged her plump little tail and shook her big fat booty (with the shape of her butt cheeks showing very clearly through the fabric) at Toriel, who reflexively cringed backward and shielded her eyes in response.

"God DAMN, she's so hot...I don't even know why, but she just is!" Sans and Undyne alike both meekly thought to themselves as the latter's nose began to bleed ever-so-slightly in arousal.

"Alright, everybody, get ready now! Ready...set...GO!" Sans signaled, laughing with delight as everyone took off screaming like a banshee straight down the slope of the mountain.

"Papyrus, do you ever feel like you were born at the wrong time?" Undyne asked Papyrus curiously as the two of them swerved, weaved and bobbed their way past numerous trees and rocks; luckily, the whole event was being recorded on television, so there was no need for a video camera here.

"What exactly do you mean by that statement, pardon my asking?" Papyrus asked her inquisitively as Toriel and Alphys raced their way past nearly every single contestant in the race, with him and Undyne struggling to even keep up as they jumped over several tree roots.

"I mean as in, like, do you ever wish that you were, like, born, like, earlier, when people, like, didn't, like, use Tumblr, like, so, like, much?" Undyne asked Papyrus in a very clearly mocking manner as the two of them ducked underneath several outstretched tree branches.

"I think I kinda sorta get where you're coming from here...so basically, you're saying that you feel like you should have been born earlier, when the Internet was...REAL?" Papyrus asked Undyne curiously as the two of them arranged themselves vertically together and slipped through a very large clearing in between the massive hordes of trees surrounding them.

"Yes...yes, I feel like I should have been born at a time when fandoms didn't freaking constantly sexualize and/or parodize literally every single goddamned thing about their subject matter so bloody much!" Undyne sighed somewhat angrily as she swerved over to the side of her and yanked the dangerously distracted Papyrus narrowly out of the way of yet another tree.

"So, you mean like...the 90s?" Papyrus asked Undyne somewhat puzzledly as the two of them began rapidly sprinting through the vast crowd of fast and furious competition in front of them.

"EARLIER...like...the EARLY 90s." Undyne sighed miserably, trying desperately to erase the results of her recent searches for herself on Google Images from her mind as her and Papyrus finally caught up to Alphys and Toriel, who were both firmly in the lead and neck-and-neck with each other at the moment; surely enough, the race was already rapidly approaching its end.

"Okay, Toriel, don't panic, remember what the INSTRUCTOR said!" Toriel thought nervously to herself as she swerved past several trees in a very shakily snaking motion, almost slipping and falling as she began to remember what Sans had previously warned her about.

"Remember, guys, if you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-"

"Feels like I'm wearing...nothing at all, nothing at all, NOTHING AT ALL!" Toriel's mental projection of Alphys smugly teased her repeatedly, with her mind's eye zooming in closer and closer on the fat weeaboo lizard's smooth, plump and tender butt cheeks each time.

"GAHH!" Toriel cringed disgustedly in shock, completely oblivious to the fact that Alphys had literally just been thinking the exact same thing about her. "STUPID SEXY ALPHYS!"

"OH, DEAR GOD, MY LEGS! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER!" Alphys and Toriel both screamed in unison as their legs split apart so hard that it actually hurt them, with numerous jagged rocks coming right up for their crotches.

"DOOF! D'OH! OW! OOF! OUCH! OH!" Alphys and Toriel yelled in pain as the rocks completely destroyed their pelvic regions and left the crowd making thousands of spread-eagle jokes behind them as the two of them fell flat on their faces and tumbled together into a massive snowball!

"Oh, geez, I didn't know that Sans was being so goddamned LITERAL when he talked about how our mistakes in this sport could eventually end up SNOWBALLING if we weren't careful enough!" Papyrus gasped in shock, leaping across a precariously large chasm of prickly thorn vines as he and Undyne chased fervently after the incredibly ginormous snowball.

"Well, for crying out loud, what ELSE would you expect from a pun-loving dickhead like him?!" Undyne sighed, facepalming at Papyrus' incredible ignorance and (to an extent) stupidity.

"Alright, I've got one side of this accursed thing, now grab the other!" Papyrus grabbed the left side of the snowball and commanded Undyne, who immediately followed suit and grabbed the right side.

"This oughta LIFT their spirits!" Papyrus chuckled sarcastically in rather mocking homage to his beloved brother Sans as he and Undyne worked together to lift the gigantic ball of snow up into the air...which, unfortunately enough for them, merely resulted in them being helplessly crushed underneath its sheer weight and effectively added onto its body count!

"Well, what can I say? Looks like this is just how those four ROLL...hehe..." Sans chuckled grimly as one of the local Snowdin interviewers asked him what he thought about the current disastrous situation that our so-called heroes had just recklessly gotten themselves into.

"WAAAUUUGGGHHH!" all four of them screamed for dear life as they finally reached the bottom of the mountain and hit a massive tree, breaking the snowball apart and sending them forcefully flying out in multiple directions while the competition shortly arrived behind them.

"What do you say about us NEVER doing that again?" Alphys asked Toriel dizzily and rather groggily, readjusting her glasses as she drunkenly (yes, drunkenly) stumbled back and forth.

"I assume that by that statement, you mean as in us never WINNING the annual skiing race again?" Toriel teased her as the awards manager handed her and Alphys (and Papyrus and Undyne) one golden, shining first-place trophy filled with $1,000 worth of gold each.

SHORTLY LATER, IN THE LODGE'S LOCKER ROOM, AFTER EVERYONE ELSE HAD LEFT...

"OHH, HONEY..." Alphys moaned with delight as she licked the thick, gooey layers of oozing, dripping honey off of Toriel's nasty, putrid, sweaty soles (yes, literally right after the goatmom had JUST removed her ski boots and poured almost half a cup of honey from her purse all over her feet).

"OOH, BABY..." Toriel moaned with pleasure as Alphys curled up into her loving arms and began loyally, unyieldingly drinking and slurping the delicious milk from each of her precious teats.

"Um, I have SEVERAL questions about the current predicament that these two are in right now...ahem...first of all, why are they both totally NAKED?" Papyrus asked Undyne curiously as the two of them shamelessly spied on Alphys' and Toriel's private sexual acts through the nearest window.

"Personally, I think a better question is why WOULDN'T they be?" Undyne snickered, patting Papyrus on the back reassuringly as her video camera recorded it all in glorious real-time.

A FEW HOURS LATER, AT THE LOCAL MTT AMUSEMENT PARK IN HOTLAND...

"Oh god, oh god, oh god, this was a really bad idea, THIS WAS A REALLY FREAKING BAD IDEA! How do I get out of this thing, HOW DO I GET OUT?! HELP ME! SOMEBODY, PLEASE HELP ME! ANYBODY! I'M FREAKING BEGGING YOU! LET ME OUT OF HERE! PLEASE!" Alphys stammered and shrieked in terror, squirming helplessly and trembling frantically in her seat as the roller coaster that she and Toriel were currently riding (which was titled as none other than the Aerostratus Freaking Skysmasher) went all the way up out of Mount Ebbott and even literally into outer space; so far, it was most definitely living up to its ridiculous name if anything.

"AND this is pretty much exactly how my marriage with Asgore went DOWN!" Toriel screamed for dear life at the top of her lungs, wanting to hug the just-as-loudly-screaming-and-terrified Alphys for comfort but sadly being unable to due to her incredibly airtight safety restraints as the cars of the coaster (that the two of them had foolishly chosen to take the front seats of) plummeted downward at maximum, spiraling, and did I forget to mention, terminal velocity!

"So, is that basically your method of describing EVERY incredibly disastrous and frakked-up thing that happens to you or something like that?" Alphys sighed and shrugged meekly, her skin and Toriel's alike already struggling to keep itself on their faces as the ride sent all of its passengers directly through upside-down loops, inversions, horizontal loops, upside-down hills, vertical and upside down bank turns, corkscrew loops, puberty, you name it...

until finally, over two whole minutes later, it FINALLY came to a stop.

"Pretty much!" Toriel chuckled as she scooped up the unconscious Alphys into her arms, smooched her lovingly on the cheek, and carried her off. "Aww, look at you, you love me so much that it literally caused you to black out!"

NO MORE THAN HALF AN HOUR LATER...

"What's the matter, sweetie-pie?" Toriel curiously asked Alphys, who had just recently regained consciousness fifteen minutes ago and was already busy frantically rummaging through the many, many equipment drawers in her lab for what she liked to call a grink (size-alteration) ray.

"I just recieved a message of impending doom from Mettaton no less than five minutes ago! He told me that he's gotten his hands on one of my grink rays, used it to grow himself to freaking Godzilla size, and is now completely wrecking shop in New Home City as we speak!" Alphys stammered nervously in terror, jittering about in a fit of anxiety as she finally dug her grink ray out from one of her desk drawers, bolted right out the front door and took the local Hotland elevator system straight up into New Home without even saying another word.

"Well, I guess we have to follow her now..." Undyne and Papyrus groaned as the former pulled a rather interesting single-buttoned remote-control device that she had found lying around in another one of Alphys' desk drawers out from her left jeans pocket and hit the big red button on it!

"What the heck?! A big and shiny red button that actually DOESN'T cause something utterly horrible and disastrous to happen?! OH, THE HUMANITY!" Papyrus gasped and sobbed in childlike wonderment and amazement as the button caused a very large secret hatch in the ground at the intersection between Alphys' front door and the Waterfall border to open up, revealing a jet-black surveillance helicopter that Alphys had secretly hidden down there just in case of...emergencies?

"Oh, who the hell cares what its stupid arbitrary purpose is, let's just hop in and ask questions later!" Undyne laughed as her and the wholeheartedly agreeing Papyrus hopped inside and turned the Mew-Mew-themed (because after all, why wouldn't it be?) ignition key.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, IN NEW HOME CITY...

"YES! Monetizing the rampant, utterly senseless destruction of beautiful and innocent civilizations of my own kind for literally no reason other than the wonderful benefit of the sheer level of public exposure I'm going to be getting has NEVER been so unbelievably SATISFYING!" Mettaton laughed maniacally as he kicked down yet another small animal orphanage with his gargantuan stilettos, adding even further onto his previously tallied total of no less than SIX.

"Hey, METAL-FACE, how's it going? Haven't seen YOU in quite a while!" Alphys grew herself to equally massive size with her grink ray and growled very angrily at Mettaton, bitch-slapping him in the face so incredibly hard that several bolts flew out and ended up busting several holes in a nearby maximum-security prison building upon landing.

"And neither have I, for that matter! Have you ever considered the potential possibility of THAT?" Mettaton growled back at her, lurching forward and kicking her right in the nutsack.

"OWWW...for God's sake, why did you decide to do this, Mettaton?" Alphys sighed, kneeling down and clutching her crotch in agonizing pain as Mettaton lunged forward and kneed her right in the face.

"Because I CAN!" Mettaton laughed as he plucked an attacking military-class helicopter (thankfully not Undyne's and Papyrus') out of the air and scarfed it down like a pig. "Because making LITTLE people like you and the MORONS who run this place eat out of the palm of my hand JUST FEELS GREAT!"

"BUT WE NEVER EVEN FREAKING DID ANYTHING TO YOU!" Alphys yelled lividly at him, grabbing one of the remaining support beams of a nearby destroyed building and brandishing it threateningly while Mettaton did the exact same in response.

"Yeah, but you WOULD have, if I had only given you the CHANCE!" Mettaton laughed arrogantly as him and Alphys engaged in a fierce two-handed swordfight with each other.

"FACE it, monsters, I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!" Mettaton laughed dementedly as he smashed Alphys right in the ribs with his support beam, prompting Alphys to then immediately do the same.

"Oh, CONGRATU-FREAKING-LATIONS, you're ALMOST as smart as I am, which apparently to you means SMARTER!" Alphys jeered sarcastically at him, rolling her eyes as she grabbed Mettaton by his ludicrously square shoulders and kneed him right in the crotch.

"But...I had such an indescribably genius evil plan...one that I thought literally COULDN'T be foiled..." Mettaton whimpered in pain as Alphys lunged straight into him and shoved him through several very tall apartment buildings, causing all three of them to topple over like architectural dominoes.

"Oh, yeah, SURE, you freaking hate everyone and everyone hates you back! GODDAMNED GENIUS, AM I RIGHT?!" Alphys screamed furiously at him, kneeling atop his chest and brutally smashing his face with a rapid, alternating stream of passionate maximum-force punches.

"Well, at least I don't have an INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS FREAKING WEAK SPOT!" Mettaton laughed snidely as he lifted up Alphys' glasses and poked her right in the eyeballs with his fingers, causing the poor girl to topple head-over-heels onto the ground and wail in pain as Mettaton grabbed her by the tail and began swinging her around and around in a massive dizzying circle, destroying literally every building around him in the process.

"RUN, IT'S BOWZILLER!" Nice Cream Guy screamed, running for dear life with his precious ice-cream stand in tow while his brother Burgerpants followed along very closely behind him.

"But due to international copyright laws, it's NOT!" Burgerpants pointed out, looking behind him and shaking in terror as Mettaton's spinning-around progressively became faster and faster.

"Still, though, we should run like it IS Bowziller!" Nice Cream Guy screamed in horror.

Meanwhile, Mettaton's spinning motion became so fast that it was almost breaking the sound barrier, causing Alphys to become sick to her stomach and accidentally throw up all over a nearby child orphanage.

"SO LONG, GAY WEEABOO!" Mettaton laughed heartily as he finally let go of Alphys' tail and threw her right through the Underworld Trade Center and into a nearby cesspool about ten miles away!

Meanwhile, while Alphys was busy reeling back and forth from her newfound dizziness and Mettaton was equally busy with the act of violently tearing through every single building that stood in his way, Asriel had an idea...a horrible, awful, won-

"THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA!" Asriel laughed maniacally as he used his magical levitation powers to fly directly into the unaware Alphys' right ear while she stumbled aimlessly about.

Once inside the ear canal, Asriel immediately spotted one of many disgustingly large patches of tiny little blue mushrooms growing in very oddly specific areas of Alphys' nastily thick layers of earwax.

"Hmm, I wonder what kind of hallucinogenic effect eating THESE will have on me?" he thought to himself, picking out several of them from their waxy dwelling and shoveling them into his mouth.

SOMETHING LIKE TWENTY SECONDS LATER...

"Oh, how can I ever find the courage to truly repay you for your ever-so-glorious deeds, my beloved Shield Knightress?" Shovel Knight playfully teased his beloved girlfriend Shield Knight as the two of them finally reached the very end of the fabled Tunnel Of Love and disembarked from their canoe.

"Pass your gallantly noble tongue over my marvelously heroic shield, and everything you could ever possibly want to know will immediately be revealed to you." Shield Knight explained, holding her shield directly in front of Shovel Knight's face so that he could proceed with the licking.

"Okay, first of all, what's my name?" Shovel Knight asked as he took off his helmet, revealing a gray robotic head with black hair, blue eyes and a red baseball cap with a silver plate that read CURLYBRACE on the front of it, and promptly began licking Shield Knight's shield like a total idiot...which he was.

"Quote. And mine is Curly Brace, just so you know." Shield Knight replied, removing her own helmet and revealing a pale-white robotic head with gorgeous, golden-blonde hair and blue eyes just like Quote's.

"And most importantly, why in the actual seven hells am I licking your goddamned SHIELD right now?" Quote asked Curly rather inquisitively, despite the fact that he wasn't supposed to be able to speak in the first place.

"This isn't my shield, Quote. This is Jack's eardrum, Quote; this is Jack's eardrum. You're on MUSHROOMS, Quote!" Curly Brace reminded Quote as he suddenly slipped back into focus and-

"EWWW, YUCK!" Asriel cringed in disgust at the mere thought of the fact that he had just literally made out with Alphys' eardrum as he stuck out his tongue and began scraping the gooey, hairy wax off of it with his hands.

"Hmm, I wonder what's going on in there?" Alphys thought to herself, publicly forgetting her manners and digging deeply into her ear with her finger in an attempt to fish the intruder out.

"OH, NO YOU DON'T!" Asriel laughed uproariously as he morphed into his Flowey form, burrowed his way through Alphys' inner ear and headed straight for her central nervous system.

FIVE SECONDS LATER...

"I'M AN ALBATROSS! I'M AN ALBATROSS! I'm flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings, flap-flap-flapping my albatross WINNNGS!" Alphys walked around aimlessly and flapped her arms up and down like a mentally challenged hummingbird while Undyne and Papyrus busted out laughing; meanwhile, as it turned out, Flowey had already reached her brain and was right about to go inside!

"Alphys, what in the hell is going on in your head right now?" Mettaton asked Alphys curiously, cocking an eyebrow suspiciously at her while Flowey burrowed his way directly into her brain!

"I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT!" Alphys loudly and dizzily sang to herself as she twirled around on her tiptoes, tripped over literally nothing (since Flowey had just recently traveled right through her extremely delicate semicircular canals) and came crashing down onto the ground, her eyes cartoonishly swirling in a daze as Flowey morphed himself back into goat form and took his seat in front of Alphys' massive central control supercomputer.

"Hmm, let's see...multiple keyboards, a whole multitude of levers and buttons, a microphone for controlling her speech, thousands of different potential commands I could select...OOH, WHAT DOES THIS BIG SHINY YELLOW THING DO?!" Asriel squeed with perverse delight as he recklessly slammed his finger onto Alphys' bright yellow, painfully obvious URINATE button!

"ARF! ARF! WOOF!" Alphys squatted down on all fours, wagged her tail and barked like a dog as she lifted up her left leg and let loose a thick, salty stream of piss all over a poor innocent cosplayer down below.

"MOTHER OF GOD...JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT MY FIRE-HYDRANT COSTUME COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MADE ANY MORE ACCURATE..." the cosplayer moaned with delight, gratuitously lathering the nasty yellow liquid all over himself with his left hand while jerking off with his right.

"Are...are you DONE yet?" Mettaton sighed, facepalming himself and blushing deeply in second-hand embarrassment while Alphys crawled around in circles and chased after her own tail.

"Why would I already be DONE when I'm clearly having so much freaking FUN in here?!" Asriel laughed uproariously through the microphone as he magically produced a modern-day copy of George Michael's world-famous WHAM album out of thin air with a mere snap of his fingers and eagerly inserted the disk into Alphys' disk drive, selecting the epically cheesy and eternally fabulous masterpiece of a song known only as Careless Whisper and setting the lyrics to WHATEVER'S ON HER MIND as he smugly kicked back in his chair and crossed his legs, summoning a tub of popcorn as he let the computer do all the rest of the dirty work for him.

"Oh, for the love of God, would somebody please just KILL me?" Mettaton sighed and shrugged in utter humiliation as Alphys ran up to him, wrapped her arms lovingly around him and kissed him passionately on the lips while the world's sexiest saxophone solo immediately began echoing all around the general area, causing him to blush so hard that several of the blood-vessel wires in his face broke, causing him to shriek in pain while Alphys moaned in arousal.

"I feel so awkward...as I kiss your lips and realize I'm such a nerd!" Alphys sang in a shockingly beautiful voice as she locked her hands tightly together with Mettaton and began dancing the tango with him while everyone around them simply gawked in dumbfounded astonishment.

"Such a lonely girl...such a lonely world...calls to mind experiments, and all their sad results!" Alphys sang deeply as she and Mettaton twirled around gorgeously with their outstretched hands tightly interlocked; basically, you can imagine how the rest of the dance went from there.

"I'm never gonna tell the truth; the evidence is reaching the roof! Though it pains me horribly, I keep it locked inside! I should've known better than to recklessly inject so many folks with DT!

So I'm never gonna be a star, the way you always are!" Alphys sang, accidentally crushing numerous vehicles beneath her massive dinosaur soles as she danced to and fro with Mettaton, her guilty feet clearly lacking the proper rhythm to avoid causing such sad and unfortunate mishaps.

"DAMN, she's good!" Undyne gasped in amazement, covering her mouth with her hands and blushing enviously.

"WHY, BONER, WHY?!" Papyrus wailed as his raging ecto-boner began fiercely sticking out.

"I will always fear...the careless mistakes of my career! Bodies intertwined; disagreeing minds!

They don't even know they're real; pain is ALL they feel!" Alphys cried, lifting Mettaton's left leg up and bending him over backwards in the loving embrace of her arms.

"I'm never gonna tell the truth; the evidence is reaching the roof! Though it pains me horribly, I keep it locked inside! I should've known better than to recklessly inject so many folks with DT!

So I'm never gonna be a star, the way you always are!" Alphys sang as she lovingly brushed and picked out the numerous helicopters and airplanes that had gotten stuck in Mettaton's hair.

"AL-PHYS! AL-PHYS! AL-PHYS! AL-PHYS!" a massive crowd of rabid fanboys standing about a third of a mile over to the west of the dance began chanting loudly through megaphones.

"METTA-TON! METTA-TON! METTA-TON!" another equally massive crowd of even rabid-er fangirls standing about a quarter of a mile over to the east of the dance began chanting even more ear-piercingly loudly through their own rather unnecessarily MTT-brand megaphones.

"Tonight the fans are screaming loud! I wish that we could lose this crowd! Maybe it's better this way, without me nagging you about my anime! I could have been a Mary Sue! Instead I was a weeaboo! A sad amalgamation of...geek tropes!" Alphys sobbed as she and Mettaton both moonwalked away from each other in opposite directions and did the anti-gravity lean directly toward each other, colliding with each other's eagerly awaiting lips in a great big sexy kiss.

"And I'm never gonna tell the truth; the evidence is reaching the roof! Though it pains me horribly, I keep it locked inside! I should've known better than to recklessly inject so many folks with DT! So I'm never gonna be a star, the way you always are!" Alphys sobbed, wrapping Mettaton tightly in her arms and nuzzling his gorgeously handsome face with her snout.

"It's...so...freaking...BEAUTIFUL..." Undyne burst into tears of joy and huddled together with Papyrus to comfort him, what with all of the countless tears of pure sadness that the song was making him shed.

"Now that they've gone...now that they've gone...(now that they've gone)

was what I did so wrong?! So wrong?! That they had to leave me alone?!" Alphys cried as she ripped a massive tree out of the ground as a substitute for flowers before finally collapsing onto her hands and breaking out into a fit of sobbing while Mettaton snuck up behind her, kneeled down humiliatedly onto the ground and lovingly, shamelessly screwed her in both tailholes.

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

"I love you so much, Mettaton." Alphys whispered in Mettaton's ear as the two of them shrunk themselves back down to normal size, hugged each other warmly, and gave Asriel one big high-five each.

"I love you too, Alphys." Mettaton reluctantly admitted as the local law enforcement officers surrounded him on all sides.

LATER THAT NIGHT, AFTER METTATON WAS ARRESTED...

"Alright, so...this is my Lab. This is where I work every day. It's awfully neat, don't you think?" Alphys monotoned exhaustedly, her eyes beginning to droop and sag from how incredibly tired she was already starting to become as she weakly held her arm up and pointed at the massive monolith of a building that literally anyone with working eyes could easily see right behind her.

"Maybe we should show her parents where WE werk off every day!" Undyne snickered, causing both her and Papyrus to break into a fit of giggling like childish little schoolgirls.

ABOUT A MINUTE LATER, DOWN IN THE TRUE LAB...

"This is Lemon Bread's mouth." Alphys sighed as she stood barefooted atop the horrifying beast's tongue (which was basically made of slimy Cthulhu tentacles) and scrubbed it with a Swiffer mop. "As you can see, it's clearly a lot bigger on the inside than it is on the outside."

"Obviously, this is an extremely disgusting job, but of course SOMEONE still has to do it!" Alphys groaned miserably as she leapt straight up into the air and clung tightly onto Lemon Bread's uvula with her claws while scrubbing it rigorously with a weapons-grade kitchen sponge, causing Lemon Bread to puke up god-knows-what all over everyone in the general vicinity (including Alphys, of course).

"Do you perhaps understand at least a LITTLE more about the actual reasoning behind me wanting to kill myself now, or am I just going to have to come over there and slap some sense into your stupid heads myself? With a bat full of nails and a bottle full of whiskey, preferably?" Alphys sneered coldly on her abusive alcoholic parents' behalf as she got out a massive toothbrush and began scrubbing the slimy, eldritch gunk off of Lemon Bread's teeth with it.

ABOUT ANOTHER MINUTE LATER, BACK AT THE ENTRANCE TO ALPHYS' LAB...

"Alright, guys, it's been probably the single craziest day of my entire life so far, and therefore, I'd say it's about time I went to bed. See you guys tomorrow morning, okay? Oh, and PLEASE don't bother me while I'm sleeping; believe me, I WILL bite your freaking heads off!" Alphys growled threateningly and crankily at Papyrus and Undyne as she closed the door and went upstairs to grab her cube...bed...thing, whatever the hell it is, I dunno, ask someone else.

Once she had finally carried said cube-thing downstairs, molecularly rearranged it into its bed form and placed it in the huge empty space between her desk and the back door, Alphys quickly went back upstairs, messaged Toriel on her phone, and waited eagerly for her arrival.

Meanwhile, Undyne and Papyrus were up to no good, as always. Hiding in the trash can right next to Alphys' desk, with a very conveniently placed diameter-wide peephole punctured right through it by one of Undyne's famous energy spears for good measure, they were both squirming with excitement at the mere thought of what incredibly kinky debauchery they were about to witness.

"Do you really think she'll do it TONIGHT of all nights?" Papyrus whispered curiously as he and Undyne sat together in Alphys' disproportionately large and empty trash can, which was currently being illuminated by the brightly glowing blue light generated by Undyne's spear.

"Of COURSE she will! It's like CLOCKWORK!" Undyne snickered, pointing the camera toward herself and preparing her audience for one seriously wild and extreme fetishistic ride.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness one of the seven wonders of the world!" Undyne whispered melodramatically to her audience, trying desperately to keep a straight face.

"At about 11:30, eastern standard time, through THIS makeshift peephole in the trash can that we're both hiding inside of as we speak, our buddy Alphys will descend the escalator as she does every night for a glass of warm and delicious GOAT milk!" Undyne whispered nervously, trying not to bust out laughing as Toriel entered the lab and immediately threw literally all of her clothes off as she nonchalantly walked over to Alphys' bed and laid herself atop it.

"And she isn't exactly dressed for the OCCASION, if you know what I mean!" Papyrus whispered embarrassedly, winking at the audience and grinning even less subtly than he normally did.

"Y-yup! You heard right! She's completely...NAAAKEEEEEED!" Undyne crooned in delight, grinning from ear to ear in an incredibly creepy and disturbing fashion that somehow managed to show literally all of her vicious, razor-sharp teeth while her eyes went bloodshot with anticipation.

"WITH NO CLOTHES ON!" Papyrus squeed loudly as his eyes suddenly began glistening like the starry sky itself with excitement; luckily, the air conditioner in Alphys' lab was somehow so freaking loud that it managed to literally drown out every single thing that the two of them were saying.

Sure enough, Alphys still had Careless Whisper firmly stuck in her head and was therefore whistling the intro to it on her way down the escalator, her boobs and chest jiggling adorably with each step as she walked over to the bed and joined Toriel on top of it, immediately snuggling and french-kissing her.

"OH, TORIEL, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU'VE LIT UP MY LIFE TODAY!" Alphys moaned with delight as she whipped out her girl-dick and gently rammed it up Toriel's vagina, her moans becoming progressively louder and more intense with each thrust.

"OHHH, I FEEL LIKE I'VE LITERALLY DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN..." Alphys moaned happily as Toriel did the exact same thing with her, only with a much bigger dick and a much smaller vag.

"MY GOODNESS, IT'S EVERY BIT AS SWEET AND DELICIOUS AS MY SIGNATURE BUTTERSCOTCH-CINNAMON CREAM PIE..." Toriel moaned as Alphys dug her face deeply into her vagina and licked her own cum out of it, also making sure to tongue the goatmom's clitoris in the process.

"MURR..." Toriel murred and drooled in arousal as Alphys reached all the way into her birth canal with her incredibly long, moist, dripping and dextrous tongue, teasing over its sweetest spot as she began sweating and blushing hotly and intensely.

"YEAH, SHOW ME WHAT THAT BEAUTIFUL LIZARD TONGUE OF YOURS IS REALLY GOOD FOR!" Toriel panted and moaned orgasmically as her vagina quaked and gushed out at least half a cup of gooey, sticky girl-cum all over Alphys' adorable face.

"HAAHHHH..." Alphys moaned with pleasure as she retracted her mouth from the site of Toriel's orgasm and proudly displayed the copious amounts of cum dripping from her teeth and tongue before finally licking her lips and swallowing every last drop of it.

"OH, YOU NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY GIRL, YOU!" Alphys laughed as Toriel did the exact same thing with her. "OOH...AHHHH...OHHHHHHH!" she moaned as she filled Toriel's gut with her love.

"COME ON, BABY, PLEASURE ME MORE, PLEASURE ME MORE!" Toriel moaned ecstatically as she whipped out her already firmly-erect girl-cock and placed it lovingly in-between Alphys' plump, juicy nerd tits so that the lizard could give her both a boobjob and a blowjob simultaneously.

"UM...ALPHYS? ARE YOU...LIKE...ALL THERE IN THE HEAD RIGHT NOW?" Toriel asked Alphys worriedly as the poor mentally tormented lizard girl began lovingly sucking her dick.

"YESSS?!" Alphys giggled playfully as she dug her big dorky teeth into the soft, fleshy and veiny surface of Toriel's rock-hard cock, squeezing her boobs together and jerking Toriel off with them just for added effect.

"JESUS CHRIST, ALPHYS, I'M GOING TO CUM IN, LIKE, LITERALLY FIVE SECONDS IF YOU KEEP THAT UP...FIVE...OOH...FOUR...OH, YES...THREE...MMMMMM...TWO...OHH...AHHHHHHHHH!" Toriel moaned as her dick spasmed and blasted out another half a cup of semen all over Alphys' face.

"OH, AND HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY FORGET THE FOOTJOBS?!" Alphys laughed maniacally as she eagerly curled her long, pointy and flexible lizard toes right around the outer rim of Toriel's still-rock-solid shaft, stroking it up and down savagely while Toriel did the exact same to her.

"OH, SWEET HEAVENS, IT'S LITERALLY OUR LIFELONG DREAM COME TRUE!" Alphys and Toriel squeed with orgasmic delight as they gleefully licked the cum off of each other's smooth sexy soles, prompting Alphys to then sneak up behind Toriel and start massaging her breasts.

"OHH...OHHH, YESSSS..." Toriel moaned with pleasure as Alphys kneaded her rough, scaly lizard fingers into her soft, fluffy tits and squeezed them like pornographic squeaky toys.

"I'm well aware that I have a superb titty-rubbing technique." Alphys sighed nervously, blushing and sweating intensely as she gently but passionately stroked Toriel's nipples. "However, I'm afraid that your titties just don't quite rate!"

"How SOOO?" Toriel moaned unexpectedly with orgasmic pleasure as her nipples squirted out large amounts of milk from how much Alphys had just stimulated them with her hands.

"Well, you're incredibly flat-chested, for one thing!" Alphys explained to her, noting how in reality, Toriel actually had rather diminutive and somewhat unattractively flat breasts.

"Well, I suppose my titties ARE a bit on the small side, but as my husband Asgore used to always say, more than a mouthful is a waste anyway, am I right?" Toriel laughed awkwardly.

"Not as much of a waste as THIS is of my freaking BLOOD, but you know what? I'm totally going to do it anyway!" Alphys laughed maniacally as she climbed up onto Toriel's head and shoved both of the goatmom's sharp, pointy goat horns (one after the other) directly into her va-jay-jay.

"OH, IT HURTS SO MUCH...YEAH, BITCH, HURT ME MORE...HURT ME MORRRE...HURT ME MORRRRRRE!" Alphys screamed with orgasmic pleasure yet again as bloody cum gushed out from her vagina, prompting her to then the lather the stuff all over her entire body.

Meanwhile over in New Home, Asgore was being forced against his will by Flowey to watch the madness between Alphys and Toriel unfold on public television (which Undyne had somehow linked directly to the video camera and each of its recordings, just for good measure's sake).

"So, what do you have to say for herself NOW, father?" Flowey snidely jeered at and spat on his own father, who was now tied up in vines and gagged with duct tape, as he dug his way through Asgore's nose with his vines and then proceeded to implant them very deeply into his brain.

"OH, MAN, I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN BREATHE RIGHT NOW...I WANT TO FREAKING DIE SO GODDAMNED BADLY..." Asgore moaned in arousal, literally unable to close his eyes while Flowey magically shrunk himself, traveled directly up Asgore's nose and ended up literally inside of his brain yet again, as if the previous occurrence with Alphys wasn't already enough.

"Hmm, it's actually quite a lot bigger than I thought!" Flowey thought to himself smugly as he eagerly contemplated all of the different ways that he would be able to strip his own father naked, make him painfully f#%& himself with a cactus, and then jerk off furiously to it.

"So, umm...seeing as how you just slipped inside my head and all, what happens if I...uh...disobey you, so to speak?" Asgore communicated to Asriel through his internal thoughts.

"Why, I'm going to bring out my giant thorn vines and plant a whole network of them right here in this squishy little sponge you call a brain, causing untold damage in here until you're nothing but a freaking vegetable. I take it I have your attention!" Asriel laughed while Asgore sobbed and cried in defeat.

"Ooh, look, what have we here? Looks like ASGORE'S PRECIOUS MEMORY BANKS! Oh, and guess what the very first and foremost front-page subject is? PHOTOS AND VIDEOS GALORE OF YOU AND TORIEL HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER, JUST LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS! I sure hope that you at least enjoy the thought of me furiously MASTURBATING to them if nothing else!" Flowey laughed sadistically as he transformed back into Asriel and began fapping rigorously to the massive cornucopia of family-related porn that was now available to him, while Asgore pulled a revolver out from the bedside table and pointed its firing end intently into the side of his head...or at least he would have, if he wasn't all tied up and completely helpless.

THE NEXT MORNING, IN THE LOCAL VIDEO STORE AT MTT RESORT IN HOTLAND...

"Like, GREETINGS, loyal customer-dudes! What, like, totally RADICAL things have you brought us THIS time, may I ask?" Royal Guard 1 asked Undyne and Papyrus as they walked right in through the front door and plopped their video camera right down onto the counter, with Alphys in tow.

"Something intellectually stimulating and sexually arousing, I presume? You know how much I LOVE that type of stuff..." Royal Guard 2 whispered slyly into Undyne's ear, flickering his tongue for emphasis.

"Oh, but of COURSE!" Papyrus laughed heartily, walking behind the counter without permission and wrapping his arms around both of the Royal Guards. "Only the BEST for our stalwart warrior friends!"

"Gee, how incredibly flattering..." Royal Guard 2 sighed and blushed awkwardly.

"So, uhh...anyway, what type of stuff are you allowed to do with the video submissions here?" Undyne asked Royal Guard 1 curiously, with numerous dirty thoughts already swimming through her head.

"Oh, that's simple! We just, like, take all of your clips and painstakingly, like, mix them all together into one of the most, like, totally FABULOUS things you'll ever see!" Royal Guard 1 laughed triumphantly, patting Undyne on the back and nodding his head in approval.

"OOH, OOH! Does it also feature goofy sound effects, over-the-top porn music and comically pretentious lyrics as well?" Papyrus asked giddily, raising his hand and jumping up and down like a schoolkid.

"With, like, totally whipped NICE CREAM on top!" both of the Royal Guards laughed, waving their arms up in the air flamboyantly as Undyne and Papyrus began digging into their wallets.

"That'll be twenty dollars and fifteen cents worth of gold, please!" Royal Guard 2 informed them as Undyne pulled 2015 gold from her wallet and handed it over to him while Papyrus suddenly remembered at just about the worst possible moment that he wasn't actually carrying a wallet at the moment.

"Um...guys? Are you SURE that this music video of yours is going to be...how do I say this...something my PARENTS would REALLY want to see?" Alphys poked her head up over the countertop and stammered nervously, hoping very dearly that Undyne and Papyrus hadn't been spying on the one-night stand that she had just had with Toriel the night before.

"Oh, it'll be, like, totally FABULOUS!" Royal Guard 1 laughed, swinging his hand down like a caf paw.

"TUBULAR!" Royal Guard 2 chuckled, wrapping his arm gently around Royal Guard 1 and patting him on the shoulder, remembering how these were all words that they had used to describe their current lives as gay porn stars.

"DELIGHTFUL!" Royal Guard 1 crooned excitedly, putting his hands over his cheeks and vibrating intensely with eager anticipation of what he and his brother were about to make together.

"And most importantly of all, INSIGHTFUL!" Royal Guard 2 pointed out, patting Alphys on the head reassuringly as the two of them waved their hands as if saying goodbye to their new customers.

"Yeah, uh...I don't KNOW..." Alphys trembled nervously, drumming her fingers together in dreadful anticipation of what these two were obviously going to end up making of her; a totally blatant porn film, through and through. (She WAS arguably the hottest character in the game, after all.)

"Oh, don't worry about it, little man, there's always room for second takes!" Royal Guard 1 laughed and giggled nervously, patting Alphys on the back and booping her nose.

"As long as you've got another $10000 worth of gold, that is!" Royal Guard 2 laughed, pinching a large nugget of gold between his fingers and eyeing it suspiciously while Alphys and company turned right around and left the store without even saying another word.

"Aww, but I had, like, so many sweet and delicious complimentary LOLLIPOPS that I wanted to, like, give them! Man, what a total, like, bummer, dude, am I right?" Royal Guard 1 sighed.

"You got that right, brother; you got that right! AWW, C'MERE, PAL!" Royal Guard 2 laughed and cried as the two of them both kneeled down onto the floor and hugged each other tightly, bursting into tears from the fact that they would never see their families again in the process.

A FEW HOURS LATER...

The Royal Guard duo (no, not Undyne and Papyrus) had just finally finished making their latest remix video out of Alphys' recent home videos, many of which were ironically very family-unfriendly and often quite lewd despite the fact that they were supposed to be for her parents.

Sure enough, the background music was Another Medium, because the two of them simply could not find even ONE other song in the Undertale soundtrack that sounded more profoundly like porn music.

And of course, the video's premiere was being shown in an otherwise unassuming rec room down in the basement of the MTT resort, with beatniks and hipsters rapidly filling the tables.

"Man, like...you know how whenever I smoke, I always make the weirdest of facial expressions?" Burgerpants asked Nice Cream Guy with a smug, troll-faced grin as he lit up his cigar and blew a huge puff of smoke all over the poor bunny-dude's face.

"Dude, you're literally ALWAYS freaking smoking!" Nice Cream Guy reminded him angrily, slamming his palms onto the table for emphasis.

"EXACTLY!" Burgerpants laughed like a madman as his lungs withered and fell off, causing him to choke to death and collapse head-over-heels onto the floor while clutching his neck in agony.

"Eh, good riddance..." Nice Cream Guy sighed, gently lifting his coffee mug up off of the table where he was sitting and smugly sipping it without even a care in the world as the show began.

Right from the get-go, the mad techno beats that Hotland had always been famous for immediately filled the room, soaking it with cum, I mean, atmosphere as the video immediately kicked off with the very first scene of the story...you know, the part where Alphys made love to her own Cthulhu-dog.

"Life...is but a dream...of vice...and glorious sin..." the Royal Guards whispered as Alphys lovingly french-kissed Endogeny and rolled around (overly) excitedly on the ground with him.

"Thus...in order to survive...we must...join the disease..." they whispered as Undyne and Papyrus played yet ANOTHER lyrical arrangement of Bonetrousle, with Papyrus using poor little Alphys as an accordion while Undyne offensively reinforced several infamous Mexican stereotypes.

"Alas, it's too late to redeem ourselves..." they sang as Endogeny licked Alphys' feet, followed by Alphys licking Toriel's and Asgore's, and then finally Alphys and Toriel licking each other's.

"This fandom is headed down a slippery slope..." they sang as Alphys, Undyne, Papyrus and Toriel skiied down the side of the tallest mountain in Snowdin.

"They must learn that their mistakes snowballed..." they sang as Alphys, Undyne, Papyrus and Toriel all ended up collapsing together into one giant snowball and rolling down the mountain.

"Everything is sexualized in spades..." they sang as giantess Alphys danced romantically with giant Mettaton in the middle of what was basically New York City while singing Careless Whisper.

"Although every cloud may have its silver lining..." they sang as Alphys and Toriel ate Papyrus' spaghetti together and french-kissed each other Lady-And-The-Tramp-style once they were finished.

"That still doesn't excuse the fact that you freaking people are an insult to every single good fandom that ever existed!" they sang together while Alphys kinkily f#% ed Toriel in her bed.

"You're exactly why people hate this game!" they sang as Alphys and Toriel gave each other simultaneous footjobs.

"There's no telling what you will make next!" they sang as Alphys literally blacked out from the sheer force and physical law-defiance of the infamous rollercoaster that she was riding with Toriel.

"Everything is but an excuse for you to let loose all of your fetishes on us! For shame!" they sang as Alphys barefootedly brushed and scrubbed the inside of Lemon Bread's mouth.

"Would it kill us to attain a little bit of a certain special thing called our privacy?" they sang as Alphys walked nudely down the staircase, officially bringing the video to a close as the crowd clapped and cheered in applause.

However, unbeknownst to the audience, right when the video had displayed that one last clip of Alphys going down her escalator naked, Alphys herself just so happened to be walking down the staircase into the rec room at that exact same very moment...and she was every bit as shocked as you would expect, causing her to lose her balance and tumble all the way down!

"GREETINGS, our beloved new potential porn star!" the Royal Guards giggled and blushed cheerfully as they scraped Alphys up off of the ground and dusted off her quills with a feather duster.

"What in the actual bloody F#% is going on here?!" Alphys screamed in shock, already profoundly disgusted by the Underground's appalling lack of respect for women's roles in society.

"Everyone is FROGGING it to our INSTANTLY sold-out film!" Royal Guard 1 laughed, patting Alphys on the back while she trembled and shook in unimaginable shyness-induced terror.

"Have an espresso, baby!" Royal Guard 2 chuckled, offering her a nice warm cup of caffeine incarnate (which, needless to say, was literally the LAST thing that Alphys needed at the moment).

"OH, ALPHYS, THAT WAS JUST BEAUTIFUL!" Toriel walked over and complimented her, kneeling down and smooching her wetly and passionately on the cheek as her eyelids twitched with anxiety.

"UM...I..." Alphys stammered awkwardly, not quite knowing what to say.

"You gave me the biggest BONER of my life!" Papyrus snickered childishly despite the fact that he had already kind of made the exact same joke a few scenes earlier without even knowing it.

"Alphys, I wanna have fish-lizard babies with you SO, SO BAD!" Undyne squeed ecstatically with excitement, clenching her hand over Alphys' head and playfully ruffling up her quills.

"W-WHAT?! WHAT THE F#&%?!" Alphys screamed as everyone crowded around her with digital cameras in hand and snapped photo after photo of her fidgeting about like a total spaz.

"What's the matter, Alphys? Are you JEALOUS that you don't have our glorious DVD adaptation of this work of art yet?" Royal Guard 2 snickered, showing her one of the DVD cases he was talking about. "It's only 895 gold...plus tax!"

"Everyone who wishes to, like, look artistic and stuff will want one...OF OUR ELEVEN THOUSAND COPIES!" Royal Guard 1 and 2 pointed and laughed at Alphys while the entire crowd around her followed suit; meanwhile, Alphys was curled up into a quivering, humiliated, miserable little ball of shame on the floor.

"WHERE DID YOU SEND THEM?!" Alphys screamed in terror at Royal Guard 1 as she suddenly sprung back up onto her feet and leapt onto his shoulders, shaking him violently by the collar.

"Only to EVERY STORE IN THE UNDERGROUND!" Royal Guard 1 laughed while Alphys' teeth chattered loudly with fear.

"HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO REMOVE THEM ALL IN TIME WITHOUT BREAKING ANY LAWS?! FOR GOD'S SAKE, TELL ME! PLEASE TELL ME NOW!" Alphys desperately begged Royal Guard 2, leaping from his brother's shoulders onto his and glaring deeply into his eyes.

"THINK FAST!" Royal Guard 1 laughed as he untied a gigantic sack that he had just recently pulled out of the closet and dumped $100,000 worth of gold all over Alphys.

"THANK YOU...FOR YOUR...PATRONAGE..." Alphys gasped for air as she reached her hand out through the massive pile and gave the Royal Guards a great big thumbs-up.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, AFTER ALL OF THE GOLD HAD BEEN CONVERTED INTO CREDIT...

(AND THEN QUITE A FEW HOURS LATER, AFTER ALPHYS AND COMPANY HAD FINALLY FINISHED BUYING EVERY LAST COPY OF THE DVD AND RETURNING IT TO THE LAB...)

"Alright, I think that's FINALLY every last one of them!" Alphys panted and huffed as she weakly walked over to her desk and collapsed onto her office chair, her tongue hanging out in exhaustion as she gazed upon the massive, towering pile of DVD cases surrounding her.

"Wait a minute...10,997...10,998...10,999...OH, GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY, THERE'S STILL ONE LEFT!" Papyrus gasped in horror as he finally finished tallying up the total number of DVD cases that he and Alphys and Undyne had collected so far on his iPhone.

"Hey, Alphys, looks like you've got MAIL!" Undyne laughed, running over to her with a massive armful of letters and dumping them all over her as she immediately began skimming through them.

"Let's see...love notes, romantic pamphlets, dating requests, mushy poems, junk mail, more freaking marriage proposals, and...OH GOD, IT'S FROM MY PARENTS!" Alphys shrieked in horror, leaping straight up out of the pile like a blasting-off rocket ship and clinging tightly onto the ceiling like a cowardly little spider as letters scattered all over the room.

"Alphys, for the love of God, get down from there and just read it already so that we can finally get this s%#& OVER with!" Undyne groaned, stomping the floor with her signature technique and catching Alphys lovingly in her arms with a hug and a kiss as the poor lizard fell back down to said floor.

"FINE..." Alphys groaned irritatedly, rolling her eyes as she opened up the envelope and began reading the letter that her mom and dad had left her, already not liking where this was going.

"Dear Daughter, we really enjoyed your video and thought it was actually quite funny; in fact, it almost made us feel sorry for leaving you homeless in a dumpster when you were literally only five beer-bottle-nursing years old, leaving you with no choice but to seek out the nearest orphanage and/or fend for yourself against the shadowy, flesh-ripping beasts out in the wilderness because we were too fat and lazy to do the job ourselves." Alphys read.

"CRAWLING IN MY BONES! THESE FRACTURES WILL NOT HEAL!" Papyrus sang teasingly while Undyne smugly skimmed through the whole dictionary of edgy character clichés.

"Anyway, we hope you're doing well, and we wish you a very simple and happy life as far away from us as possible. We definitely do not love you very dearly, but your father's dictatorship business over here in New Home City is booming at the moment, so we've got plenty of money to give you; I'm sure that's the only thing you really care about anyway, you filthy f#% ing Jew." Alphys read, crumpling both the letter and the dollar bills into balls and throwing them across the room in frustration.

"Well, my father is basically Hitler incarnate, and my mother is even more of a filthy whore than I am, but at least they're still giving me f# $ing MONEY, am I RIGHT?!" Alphys ranted furiously, pacing about the room and throwing her arms up into the air angrily as she did so...when suddenly, the sound of the Mew Mew theme song began emanating annoyingly and loudly from her iPhone!

"What is it, Grandma?" Alphys sighed, flipping open the phone and greeting the Snowdin librarian.

"Um...there's like this weird new video about you that already has, like, over a million views on UnderTube...Alphys, you haven't grown up into another creepy whore, have you?"

"Well, I suppose maybe you could say I...kind of have...ehehe..." Alphys stammered and giggled awkwardly, twiddling her fingers together nervously while her grandma hit herself in the face with a book in disappointment.

"Wait a minute...THAT'S IT! FACE...BOOK...FACEBOOK! I'm going to copy the link to this video and post it onto Facebook...uh, how exactly do you accomplish such a task with these newfangled modern-age devices, again?" the Snowdin librarian asked Alphys curiously.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO-"

"HAH! Too late, you little whippersnapper, I already figured it out! Oh, sweet dearie me, this is going to be just too good, I tell you, TOO GOOD!" Alphys' grandma laughed as she immediately did so.

FIVE MINUTES LATER, DOWN IN THE TRUE LAB...

"Um, Alphys, what are you doing with that bottle of gasoline? And why is everything on fire now?" Papyrus asked curiously while Alphys teleported her massive new pile of DVDs into the spacious generator room of the True Lab, poured gasoline all over it, and set it ablaze with her trusty pocket lighter.

"SOME WOMEN JUST WANT TO WATCH THE WORLD BURN..." Alphys hissed grimly at him as she crawled into the massive, burning pile with a sarcastic wave of goodbye and literally just let herself cook like a turkey inside of it. (Also, she died, so of course there's that too.)

"Indeed they do, Alphys, indeed they do." Undyne sobbed as both her Papyrus kneeled down on the floor, hugged each other tightly and promptly began bawling their eyes out.

"It's just like Chara always said; revenge is a dish best served COLD." Flowey cackled evilly as he extended out his urethra root and pissed all over the flaming pile (partially) to put out the fire, glaring and grinning smugly at Undyne and Papyrus as he did so.

Anyway, to make a long story short, the Amalgamates ate their own scientific mother piece-by-piece for dinner that night, and poor Doctor Alphys was never heard from again. THE END.