The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is in yet another meeting. So Robert is CFO of The Agency now huh? Oh boy. This takes place before Lowjacked. Robert may have gotten more than he bargained for.
Vodka In The Water Cooler
"Another day another headache," Ray groaned as the members of The Agency made their way to Mallory's office.
"It's just a meeting Ray," Cyril told him.
"Same thing," Ray gave him a look.
"He's right," Lana groaned. "Ugh and now it's even worse now that my husband owns the company."
"He, he…" Archer snickered.
"Yeah laugh it up, Funny Man," Lana glared at Archer.
"I will," Archer smirked.
"All right everyone come in," Robert said cheerfully as he addressed the group. "And thank you for coming in today."
"Don't thank them for that," Mallory looked at him as she sat at her desk. "They have to come in because we're paying them!"
"It's called positive reinforcement Mallory," Robert asked.
"Which is a foreign language around here," Ray remarked.
"Today is a new day for The Agency," Robert began.
"Good because most of the old ones were shit," Cheryl remarked.
"I dunno," Pam remarked. "We had some fun times when it was the Figgis Agency and we were drunk off our asses. Remember that wild party we had one weekend with the Stitch Krieger's?"
"That was an enjoyable orgy," Krieger nodded.
"Stitch Kriegers?" Archer asked.
"Don't ask," Lana sighed.
Robert decided to press on. "Anyway, this meeting is to figure out how to move forward. To see what we need and how to improve as an agency."
"Oh, that reminds me," Archer spoke up. "Our water cooler is running low on vodka. So whoever's in charge of supplying it…"
"You put vodka in your water cooler?" Robert asked. "Why?"
"Well we tried scotch," Archer explained. "But that affected the taste. The same with bourbon. Not too many people here are gin fans. And putting wine in a plastic container was right out so…"
"Okay," Robert let out a breath. "I think I'm seeing some of the problems this agency has. But I'd like to know what you people think we need to do to make this agency better."
"Why would you want their opinions?" Mallory asked.
"Because they work here?" Robert looked at her. "And they may have something to contribute."
"HA!" Mallory scoffed. "Fat chance!"
"Mallory…" Robert began.
"Robert you don't know these people," Mallory told him. "And I am using the word people liberally!"
"Mallory, I think it might be worth to take the time what your agents think we need," Robert told her.
"As I told you…" Mallory began.
"Besides alcohol!" Robert interrupted. "Or anything pertaining to alcohol. Who wants to start? Yes, Ray. Go ahead."
"Well for starters," Ray paused. "It might be nice to have actual bullets in our guns. And you know…? Some new phones to replace the destroyed ones. Vehicles that have bulletproof glass and have gas in them. Just a thought."
"Those are very reasonable suggestions," Robert told Mallory.
"He got lucky!" Mallory snapped. "For once!"
"You know…?" Ray looked at her. "Oh! And a healthcare plan. I definitely want a new healthcare plan!"
"What's wrong with the current healthcare plan?" Robert asked.
"We don't have one," Ray told him.
"What?" Robert was stunned. "How can The Agency not have a healthcare plan? Isn't that required by law by the insurance companies?"
"Oh yeah," Pam spoke up. "We need that too."
"You don't have insurance either?" Robert looked at Mallory.
"Don't look at me!" Mallory snapped. "I'm not the one who keeps setting fires! Or tried to eat the last insurance agent."
"I didn't try to eat anyone," Cheryl spoke up. "That was Krieger!"
"Notice she didn't try to deny the arson," Ray remarked.
"Better make those phones indestructible," Archer snorted.
"I didn't eat anyone!" Krieger protested. "Piggly got out again! Oh wait, this Piggly got out for the first time."
"You should say another Piggly got out of your lab," Pam advised.
"I'd like to circle back to this no healthcare and no insurance issue," Robert spoke up. "Why don't you have any healthcare or insurance?"
"Because that interfered with Mallory buying expensive scotch," Cyril explained.
"Didn't work," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink. "I still ended up having to buy low grade prison swill."
Robert did a double take. "Is that a new crystal tumbler? Where did you get that?"
"Relax," Mallory waved. "I got it from this lovely boutique and I got a ten percent discount. They were practically giving them away."
"I see," Robert paused. "Okay we need to get insurance and a new health plan. That's a start."
"And bullets," Ray added.
"And bullets," Robert sighed.
"And weapons," Cyril added.
"And weapons," Robert sighed.
"New vehicles can't hurt," Lana admitted. "Since all we have are our own cars and Krieger's date rape van."
"It is not a date rape van!" Krieger snapped. "Technically."
Robert sighed. "Anyone have any other suggestions? Archer. Go ahead."
"I can't believe I'm suggesting this," Archer sighed. "But maybe bringing back those Cloudbeam marketing kooks might not be a bad idea?"
Mallory glared at her son. "If I wanted to hear nonsensical words and fake laughter I'll just listen to Lard Ass and Hardly Thinks!" She pointed to Pam and Cheryl.
"Mother listen," Archer told her. "You know in the spy game ninety percent of what we do is lying right?"
"I think spying is a little more complicated than that," Robert remarked.
"Ehh…" Everyone else in the room shrugged.
"And all marketing is," Archer went on. "Is lying about how good your shitty product is so that people will buy it."
"If you think about it," Krieger spoke up. "Marketing is like the spies of the business world. Well them and the actual corporate spies."
"So why not use marketing to make us look good?" Archer asked. "If we're going to compete with those bastards at IIA, we're going to need all the help we can get."
"Wow, Archer," Lana was stunned. "I'm impressed. You actually thought something through for the good of The Agency."
"It is a little out of character for him," Cheryl admitted.
"Besides," Archer remarked. "I'm the world's greatest secret agent. What good is that if I work at a no-name agency?"
"There it is," Lana sighed.
"I mean I can't carry this whole team alone," Archer went on. "Which I have been pretty much doing since day one. And it's exhausting! Step up to the plate once in a while, would you?"
"There's the character we know," Cheryl agreed. "Back in place."
"Let's just focus on the positive," Robert sighed. "Archer does have a point about improving The Agency's brand name. Perhaps it can be improved by getting a better name?"
"OOH! OOOH! OOH!" Pam and Cheryl raised their hands.
"Way to go Robert," Mallory groaned. "You woke up the pair of Arnold Horshacks."
"We have names," Pam said.
"Lots of names!" Cheryl nodded.
Pam went on. "Like Spy-O-Rama-Drama!"
Cheryl added. "Or, Get Spies!"
"Double O Discount Spies," Pam added. "Where you save more by spying more!"
"Spy Land!" Cheryl added.
"Spy Surprise," Pam went on.
"Great Organization Of Spying Espionage," Cheryl said. "Our name acronym is GOOSE!"
"Mega Organization Of Spying Espionage," Pam added. "That acronym spells MOOSE!"
"I am not naming my agency after animals!" Mallory snapped. "Even though half of my employees are one!"
"Okay that lets out a quarter of our list," Pam admitted.
"How about Happy Shiny Spies?" Cheryl asked.
"How about I shoot off your kneecaps?" Mallory snapped.
Pam was undeterred. "Spytron 4000! The Ultimate in Spying Needs!"
"Spies On The Streets!" Cheryl added.
"Spies In The Sheets," Pam went on.
"Discount Spies!" Cheryl added.
"Surveillance, Surveillance Hassenpfeffer Incorporated!" Pam added.
"Liars, Liars," Cheryl added. "We set your enemies on fire!"
"Spies With Big Thighs," Pam added.
"That's How You Get Spies!" Cheryl added.
"1-800-GET SPIES!" Pam said cheerfully.
"Spyin' and Lyin'," Cheryl added. "We make sure your enemies are dyin'!"
"Super Spies!" Pam added.
"Discount Spy Warehouse," Cheryl added. "You're going to like how your enemies burn!"
"Undercover Under The Covers," Pam added.
"McArcher's," Cheryl added. "One billion bullets shot."
"Honestly with our track record," Cyril remarked. "That last one sounds pretty accurate."
"I Can't Believe These Are Spies," Pam added.
"I question I have been asking myself for years," Mallory groaned as she took a drink.
"Home For Wandering Spies," Cheryl added.
"Spygate!" Pam added.
"Spies and Suds!" Cheryl added. "We make up our agency like a bar and sell clients alcohol as well as spy services."
"I like that one," Archer said.
"You realize that you'd have to give the clients alcohol and not yourself, right?" Cyril asked.
"You'd end up being a glorified bartender with a gun," Ray added.
"Oh," Archer realized. "I've already done that. Keep going."
"Sluthin' and Spyin'," Pam went on.
"Phrasing Incorporated," Cheryl suggested.
"Hang on," Archer began.
"NO!" Everyone else but Pam and Cheryl shouted.
"Keep going," Archer sighed in disappointment.
"Spying Harder!" Pam suggested. "We spy harder than the other guys!"
"Spy Sluts!" Cheryl suggested.
"Mallory Archer's Good Time Spy Jamboree!" Pam added. "We even wrote a song for that one!"
They both began to sing at the same time. "When you really need some spyin' and your enemies just ain't dyin' we'll be happy to solve your problems for a fee! If you need an assassination or a wiretap we'll be doing it in a snap at Mallory Archer's Good Time Spy Jamboree! Yodelaee hee hee…"
"ENOUGH!" Mallory screamed. "JUST SHUT UP!"
"Good move," Ray said sarcastically. "Replacing a respected marketing agency with those two. Great job."
"You too!" Mallory glared at him.
Robert looked at Mallory. "Do you still have Cloudbeam's number or…?" Mallory growled at him. "I'll look it up later. Is there anything else we need?"
"Yes," Krieger spoke up. "My lab needs new equipment and funds. Especially if we want to keep The Professor alive."
"Who is The Professor?" Robert asked.
"I could make a Gilligan's Island joke but honestly…" Archer snickered.
"He's a scientist we're keeping in Krieger's lab for reward money," Cheryl explained. "He's in a stupid coma. Ugh again with that plotline!"
"It was from a mission a week ago," Lana explained. "We were supposed to rescue the Professor from kidnappers."
"Which we totally did," Archer added. "But then there was this accident where the truck collided with a Moldovan police blockade…"
"Hang on," Robert realized something. "I heard on the news something about Americans causing an international incident while trying to cross the border. That was you?"
"I wouldn't call it an international incident," Mallory tried to defuse the situation. "Just a minor misunderstanding."
"Cyril's fault," Archer quipped.
"It was not! Fabian Kingsworth disabled the brakes!" Cyril protested. "Which by the way was proven very quickly to the authorities."
"They were very understanding about the whole situation," Ray added. "The border guards reported they saw us getting shot at. We didn't even spend the night in jail."
"Just kicked out of the country really quickly," Archer admitted. "Which it turns out was a good thing because apparently I owed this bar a lot more money than I thought."
"We're just taking care of The Professor until he comes out of his coma," Mallory explained. "Then not only will we get the full reward plus expenses, we get a five-star rating on GSW!"
"What is GSW again?" Robert asked.
"Online classifieds for spies," Archer said simply. "All we have to do is keep The Professor alive until he comes out of his coma."
"And how long will that take?" Robert asked.
"I dunno," Archer shrugged. "I was in a coma for three years so…"
"That reminds me," Krieger realized. "I should have put in a new IV in The Professor yesterday. Eh. It can wait."
"Wait won't the guy die if you don't put in fluids regularly?" Pam asked.
"Probably," Krieger admitted.
"For the love of God Krieger!" Mallory barked. "We have millions of dollars riding on that man and you're treating him like a disposable goldfish? Do it now!"
"Okay," Krieger nodded. He didn't move from his seat. "Oh, you want me to do it now?"
"YES!" Mallory and Robert shouted.
"What about the meeting?" Krieger asked.
"You can come back when you're done!" Mallory said in her most menacing voice. "Unless the Professor is already dead. In that case, you'd better keep running!"
"Yikes!" Krieger gulped and ran out of the room.
"Yeah, put Krieger in charge of the guy in a coma," Ray said sarcastically. "That will work out just fine."
"Hey he looked after you when you were in a coma," Pam pointed out.
"I was only in a coma for like a week!" Ray protested. "I didn't milk it like some people." He looked at Archer.
"He does have a point Sterling," Mallory looked at him.
"Oh, pardon me for getting shot!" Archer snapped.
"You wouldn't have if you knew how to use a cyborg clone correctly!" Cheryl told him. "Everybody knows that if you have a robot double of yourself, you send the robot double before you so you don't get shot!"
"See Sterling?" Mallory pointed. "Even Cheryl knows how to do that."
"Or more importantly," Cheryl spoke up. "You send the robot clone in a public place to use as an alibi while you're burning a few buildings down. Or a couple of warehouses on a wharf."
"That was you?" Cyril shouted. "Oh my God the Great LA Wharf Fire, was you?"
"I thought you were unusually quiet and professional that day at work," Ray realized.
"The fact she didn't glue up should have been a clue," Pam realized.
"Yeah, Cheryl sighed. "Shame Lana broke all those cyborgs because she was mad we had a sex orgy with them."
"What?" Archer did a double take.
"Don't ask!" Lana groaned.
"What kind of sex orgy are we talking about?" Robert asked.
"Don't ask!" Lana told him. "Let's just move on!"
"Please," Cyril groaned.
"Yes, I think that might be best," Robert coughed. "Is there anything else you think The Agency could use?"
"Well since you're asking," Cheryl spoke up. "How about a cabinet for glue? It's hard for me to look all over the office for one."
"Can't you just simply put the glue in drawer?" Robert asked.
"I do but everyone keeps taking it!" Cheryl snapped.
"That's because we don't want you overdosing from gluing up!" Ray snapped.
"Oh please!" Cheryl waved. "I've been sniffing glue for years. And I'm perfectly fine. As Mr. Ostrich will tell you! Besides, I'm a fan favorite on this show. I'm not going to get killed off. I didn't even get killed off in the coma episodes."
"O-kay…" Robert sighed. "Cheryl maybe you can just sit and listen for the rest of the meeting? I think you've done your part."
"Finally!" Cheryl let out a breath and took out a small tube of model glue. "I've been waiting to crack into this baby all morning!"
"Where the hell did you get that?" Pam asked.
"I'm not sure," Cheryl admitted. "One minute I'm walking into work. The next minute I have this baby in my pocket and there's a fire at this store where they sell models."
"Uh I have a suggestion!" Cyril spoke up. "How about some vending machines with healthy food alternatives?"
"How about a bigger refrigerator where your damn protein shakes don't take up all the room?" Ray asked.
"I am trying to live a healthy lifestyle!" Cyril told Ray. "Unlike some people who stuff their faces with Skybars every day."
"One, I don't have Skybars every day!" Ray held up his finger. "Only on Fridays and special occasions!"
"By special occasion you mean days ending in Y," Cyril remarked. "You weigh more than I do!"
"I have metal bones!" Ray snapped.
"Not in your stomach!" Cyril challenged.
"You take that back bitch!" Ray shouted.
"Hang on!" Archer spoke up. "I didn't want to say anything. But you both could lose a few pounds."
"WHAT?" Ray and Cyril shouted.
"This from a man with an all liquid diet!" Ray scoffed.
"When was the last time you chewed something?" Cyril challenged.
"Or didn't have a meal that came out of a bottle?" Ray snapped.
"I had a steak!" Archer snapped. "Recently. I'm pretty sure."
"I am down for a bigger refrigerator," Pam spoke up.
"Me too!" Cheryl remarked. "I'd like to keep my glue cold."
"Girl you'd better knock it off with the glue or you're going to kill your last brain cell!" Ray told her.
"Again, I didn't want to say anything…" Archer began.
"But that's never stopped you before," Lana remarked.
"But Carol you're getting a little more whacked out than usual," Archer remarked.
"Well how is glue any different from steroids or alcohol?" Cheryl asked. "Or whatever processed crap they put in candy bars? It's the same thing!"
"Hey!" Archer barked. "Glengoolie Blue is not the same as glue! For one thing it doesn't cost thousands of dollars in addition to the hundred or so dollars you have with a Kobe steak! Which I now remember I had last night!"
"How did you afford that?" Ray asked.
"I charged it to The Agency," Archer said.
"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STERLING!" Mallory screamed. She was so angry she broke the glass she was holding. "Look what you made me did! I broke one of my new Stubends! And these weren't cheap!"
"OKAY! THAT'S ENOUGH!" Robert shouted. "I think I'm getting a very clear picture of what this agency needs. And why it's been having trouble!" He glared at Archer and Mallory.
"What?" Archer and Mallory asked at the same time.
"Clearly this agency needs a lot of help," Robert sighed. "I just had no idea how much help you people needed."
"The fact that I've been telling you about these people for almost three years wasn't a clue?" Lana asked.
"You really need to work on your listening skills Robert," Archer remarked. "Maybe get a hearing aid?"
"Back off!" Lana snapped at Archer, pointing at him. "At least he doesn't need a cane to get around!"
Archer made a gasp of horror. "Yeah that's right!" Lana glared at him. "I went there!"
"God damn," Ray whistled. "That's pretty harsh."
"But true," Cyril shrugged. "Just like eating candy bars in secret when nobody else is around doesn't mean you put on calories."
"At least I don't masturbate in the damn elevator!" Ray shouted.
"I haven't done that in over two years and you know it!" Cyril shouted.
"I'm gluing up!" Cheryl went to do so.
"Don't!" Pam tried to stop her.
"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl screamed.
Before anyone knew it, Pam and Cheryl were fighting over the glue. Ray and Cyril were fighting on the floor. And Lana and Archer were shouting at each other.
"That was hurtful Lana!" Archer bawled. "I was just joking before but that was mean!"
"Oh, boo hoo!" Lana snapped. "Like you haven't been hurtful to me!"
"Well yeah but that's different!" Archer protested. "I was the one doing it to you!"
"I am so sick of you hogging the god damn refrigerator with all your damn steroid shakes!" Ray shouted as he and Cyril fought. "I have to bring a cooler to store my own lunch!"
"Who are you kidding?" Cyril fought back. "You use it to store your drinks! Your lunch is a Snickers bar! OW!"
"That was satisfying!" Ray shouted.
"I told you," Mallory said calmly as her staff fought. "As idiots what they think and all you get is idiocy!"
"I think this is why we shouldn't have vodka in the water cooler," Robert told her.
"What? You would prefer absinthe?" Mallory scoffed.
"MINE! MINE! MINE!" Cheryl screamed as she tried to grab her glue back.
"Damn for a scrawny little glue head you can be pretty strong when you want to be!" Pam groaned as she fought for the glue. She then punched Cheryl hard in the head.
"Thank…You…" Cheryl warbled with glee before she passed out.
"Who's next bitches?" Pam was hyped up and wanted to fight some more. "AAAGGGHHH!" She then tackled Ray and Cyril.
"AAAAAH!" Ray and Cyril started fighting for their lives.
"Maybe we should start with a team building exercise?" Robert suggested. "Followed by some psychiatric help?"
"Depends," Mallory took a drink. "Is that asylum from American Horror Story still in business?"