Amanda Rollins is jolted awake by the sound of her oldest daughter screaming. For a moment she is filled with nothing but panic, until she fully comes to and realizes where she is. She's safe in her bed, the protective arm of her boyfriend loosely draped across her waist, and Jesse is just having a nightmare. She allows herself a moment of relief before carefully sliding away so that at least one of them can get a good night's sleep. But as she reaches her door frame Jesse's yells change from indecipherable to the shrieking of one word: "DAAAADDDYY!"
At this, Sonny Carisi wakes too. "What's happening? Are the girls okay?," he asks in a voice still gravelly from sleep. "Yeah," Rollins replies. "Jesse's just having a nightmare, I'll go check on her." At that, another scream of "DAAADDY" pierces the room. Carisi looks at her, confused. Amanda gives a heavy sigh and tries to quickly explain something she hoped she'd never have to think about again. "Almost 2 years ago, Jesse went through a phase where she had a couple nightmares that her father was a monster. I took her to talk to a child psychologist and she said Jesse had just started realizing that sometimes Billie goes to see Al, and that she never sees her dad, and the dreams were part of her processing that." Even though it was years ago, Amanda's heart broke relaying the story, and she felt the shame resurfacing, the shame that her own bad choices lead her daughter — her beautiful, smart, sassy, perfect daughter who deserves the world and more — to worry that her absent father might be a monster. She avoided looking Carisi in the eye as she left the room saying, "I thought we were past it but I guess not, let me go snap her out of it."
Had she looked at him, the only thing Amanda would've seen in Carisi's eyes was the deep sadness that only comes from seeing (or hearing) someone you love in pain.
Amanda crossed into her daughters' bedroom ready to help wake Jesse from that confusing place where your dreams blur with reality, and hopefully before she woke her (thankfully heavy sleeper) sister up. But to her surprise, Jesse seemed to be fully awake, sitting up in her bed, still crying and clutching at a stuffed bear. Another scream was about to be released when Jesse saw her mother enter the room and looked at her with tear-filled eyes. "Mommy?" She asked. "Yes baby, I'm here," Amanda cooed as she squeezed to sit beside her. "Where's Daddy?" she asked.
Amanda felt her heart sink even further as she tried to figure out what to say. They'd had a version of this talk before. Amanda explaining that yes, Jesse did have a father (a birth father, she'd said, purposely staying away from the word "real," because what's real about a father who had seen his daughter just three brief times in the five years since she'd been born?), an old "friend" of Mommy's who, while he loved her, had a job that made him travel all over the place and didn't leave much time to come see them in New York. A million thoughts flooded Amanda's mind. Should she really be going into that conversation again at 3 a.m. on a school night? Would it be wrong if she just picked a random country and told Jesse that he was there chasing bad guys? And of course, the biggest question — what made Jesse start thinking of Declan again, and when did she start thinking of him not as her father or birth father as Amanda had always referred to him, but as "daddy"?
She decided that the simplest solution was the best one, and started to answer: "Oh sweetie, he just —" but before she could finish, Jesse started talking through tears again. "Where is he?" She managed to get out. "You said he was sleeping over tonight! Why isn't he here? He has to make sure the monster isn't coming back." If it was physically possible for an organ to get whiplash, Amanda thought that must've been what just happened as the meaning of Jesse's words hit her and her heart went from being sunk deep somewhere near her stomach to so full it could burst out of her chest. "He did, he's here baby," Amanda said, trying to keep the emotion out of her voice as she smoothed her daughter's hair. "He's just making sure he looks super tough to scare any monsters, I'll go get him." Jesse nodded enthusiastically and squeezed her bear even tighter as her mother left the room.
Walking back into her bedroom in a state of near shock and complete bliss, Amanda saw Carisi sitting up in bed with eyes cast down, looking sad and concerned. "D," she said softly, using the nickname that belonged only to her, reserved for their most intimate moments. He looked up at her with the worry she expected and she tried to soothe it with a quick follow up. "She wants you."
Now confusion filled Carisi's face, "because of that nightmare? Did I trigger it from being here so—" before he could spiral Amanda quickly interjected. "No, it wasn't that. It was just a random nightmare, and she wants you to come get rid of any monsters that may be lurking." It takes him a second to fully process what she's saying and when he does, it takes everything in him not to shed tears. "Oh, okay," he says slowly as he walks towards the door, a mixture of elation at what he thinks is happening and apprehension that he's gotten his hopes way up. The latter dissipates the moment he walks through the door when Jesse looks up at him, all red eyed and sniffly, and exclaims, "Daddy!"
It's at this moment that Amanda is able to quietly cross the hall so she can stand outside the door and listen for confirmation of what she thinks is happening in her little girl's head. She hears a slight creak in Jesse's mattress as he murmurs that it's okay, and she risks a look through the door frame, to see that Carisi has lifted Jesse from her bed and is gently rubbing her back while she burrows into his shoulder. "It's okay," he says again. And then, so quiet she almost could've imagined it, "daddy's here."
Amanda returns to her place next to the door, pressing her back against the wall as she looks up to try, unsuccessfully, to stop the tears that overtook her. It had only been 6 months since she'd finally gotten the nerve to kiss him and admit to the feelings she'd been trying to suppress for years at Fin's almost-wedding, but she almost couldn't remember what it was like not to be with him. "Uncle Sonny" had been a constant in both of her girls' lives from the literal day they were each born, holding them within minutes of taking their first breaths, making them laugh, caring for them, and doing more than any godparent could ever be expected to do. Since they finally turned their tight-knit relationship into a romantic one, he had only become an even bigger presence for Jesse and Billie, one that made them — and her — so happy, she couldn't even worry that it might be too much.
She pushes the reverie from her head so that she can hear Carisi soothing Jesse, listening as he asks her what's wrong, and she shakily explains that she had a dream that "a big big dragon came through the closet and was breathing scary fire and was gonna burn my toys." Amanda bites her lip and smiles, relieved at the confirmation that the monster was just a monster this time, not a symbol of something lost. "Well that is very scary," she hears Carisi say, "but you're awake now and I promise there are no dragons in here, or anywhere else." She hears Jesse's bed creak again and guesses he's tucking her back in, but Jesse, now less tearful, still has a concern. "What if it comes back?"
She can almost hear the smile in his voice she he says, "you know what, why don't I tell that dragon and any other monsters from any dreams that they are never allowed near you again?" This must have appeased the still nervous 5-year-old, as the next thing she hears is the closet door opening, and Carisi, in his best ADA voice, saying firmly. "Hey! If there are any monsters planning to go into Jesse's dreams, listen to me right now. I'm a lawyer and her mom is a cop, so if you even take one step into her sleep, we'll put you in jail forever!" Amanda smiles at this, and it seems to have worked as his voice is next directed to a much quieter Jesse. "What do you think Jess, ready to go back to sleep?"
"I think so," the girl responds. "But can you stay with me while I fall asleep?"
"Of course I can," Carisi says, and she can hear the rustling of a comforter as he moves to sit next to Jesse. Amanda is about to go back to bed herself when she hears Jesse start to whisper.
"Are you asleep?"
Carisi quickly responds, "nope. I guess you're not either."
"I have a question first," Jesse says. Amanda waits in the hall, curious to hear where this will go.
"Can you be Daddy instead of Uncle Sonny all the time now?" Amanda's heart leaps again, this time right into her throat, as she both melts at the sound of her daughter asking him that, and worries that Jesse has just forced him to move about 15 steps forward in their relationship.
"Of course Jesse, I'll be your daddy for as long as you'll have me," he replies, and she can almost hear the smile in his voice.
It's just a couple of minutes later that Carisi returns to Amanda's bedroom, where she's just managed to get back under the covers, trying to pretend that she's been there a while. But the tears in her eyes give her away, and Carisi gives a small smile. "I got her back to sleep…. But I'm guessing you knew that already," he says as he starts getting into bed next to her.
Amanda just smiles and says, "I had a feeling." It isn't until she's nestled into his side with his arm lightly tracing hers that she finds the nerve to say what she's thinking. "D, I, um, I'm so, she's so —" finally she manages to get out a coherent thought. "We're all so lucky to have you, and I hope you know that whatever just happened, it doesn't mean you have to be… that, if you're not ready. It's only been 6 months and I totally unders—" before she can continue talking in circles he interrupts.
"It's been 7 years, Amanda," he gently corrects her. "And what Jesse just said, I didn't realize just how badly I wanted to hear that until I did. I'm so, so happy." He ends his sentence with a kiss to her hair and she feels a few tears fall in beside it. She pulls back slightly so she can look up at him, take in all he is, and says with a smile, "you're really sure? You want all this, the waking up in the middle of the night, the interrupted mornings, the sticky fingers on your nice suits, Frannie jumping all over you on the couch, plus all of my... stuff?"
He leans back to look her directly in the eyes as he answers, "Yes, Amanda. I want all of that and whatever else comes with you and those two girls. For as long as you'll have me." She smiles at the familiar words and snuggles deeper into his side, closing her eyes and breathing him in as she steals her daughter's line.
"Forever?"
"Forever."