Summary: It nearly killed Kate when she gave the man she loved her blessing to marry her sister. And as she watched Anthony walk with Edwina in the gardens of Aubrey Hall, she knew there was no greater pain in the world than heartbreak. Alternate ending to Book 2, where Kate was never stung by the bee. HEA fluffy oneshot

When I Am Dead and Gone

By Strawberry Pajamas

The weak rays of the morning sunlight were getting a bit stronger now as the day progressed, and the sun was breaking through the morning clouds to make the day warmer and more enjoyable for the guests of Aubrey Hall. The remnants of the thunderstorm last night finally seemed to seep away completely, and Kate simply stood at her bedroom window as she watched the various houseguests go outside in small groups to enjoy the beautiful weather.

Kate could not bring herself to enjoy this weather, however. Most summer days she would be delighted to go cavorting outside, running through the fields of Somerset while playing a game of hide and seek with Edwina. Most of the time she lived for those days…

But the way she was feeling right now, she doubted there were any summer days left that could ever make her happy again.

The conversation she had had with Anthony in the gardens this morning still rang inside her head: where she had finally told him he had her blessing to propose to her sister. It was what he had wanted, and it was - Kate had to remind herself - what she had wanted too. She only ever wanted her sister to be happy, and now that Edwina was going to marry a viscount, she was surely going to live a happy and comfortable life. And Lady Bridgerton, of course, would be delighted to see her eldest son finally married off and settled. With this union, everyone would be getting what they wanted.

Everyone but me.

I do not matter, Kate had to remind herself sternly. What she felt for Anthony would have to remain locked away in her heart forever, and she could never let her sister or Mary know about it. And most importantly, she could never let Anthony know about it.

Kate thought back to the look on the viscount's face when she had told him - with no small amount of pain in her heart - that he had her blessing to marry Edwina. The oddest expression had graced his features: it might've been happiness, but it almost looked like resignation or even sadness. Although perhaps that was Kate's own wishful thinking as his eyes seemed to have shuttered into a stoic expression, declaring his relief at her words. He then stammered out a goodbye before standing up and walking briskly back to the house, leaving Kate sitting alone on the bench in the garden. She knew that he had left her to seek out Edwina, and that knowledge alone felt like a dagger to the heart.

Kate had grown used to the rest of society passing her over for her beautiful, angelic younger sister. She was not bitter about it since she loved Edwina more than anyone in the world, but in this instance, she could not help but fervently wish that her sister was not so beautiful. If Edwina had not been the season's diamond, then perhaps someone like Anthony would set his sights on a woman like Kate, and she would not feel so inferior.

Kate now took a deep breath before exhaling out a sigh, feeling her eyes prick with unshed tears. Not desiring to become weepy, Kate impatiently wiped her eyes before glancing back out the window. Down below she noticed Mary and Edwina standing near the entrance of the garden, speaking with…

Speaking with Anthony.

Kate felt her heart rate tick up when she saw him: she was too far away to hear what they were saying, but she couldn't help but think he looked remarkably handsome standing outdoors in his coat and breeches. She was reminded of how he looked during the Pall Mall game yesterday, how adorably peevish his expression had been when he had to retrieve the ball from the lake, and how hooded his dark eyes had become when he leaned in close and asked her if she still hated him.

No, she certainly didn't hate him. But that didn't necessarily make her feel any better.

She watched from her window as the viscount held out his arm for Edwina, and she stepped toward him, delicately slipping her hand through his elbow. The two of them began walking together toward the garden while Mary stood and watched them, waving.

Trying to fight the burning sensation in the pit of her stomach, Kate turned away from the window, not wanting to look outside anymore. Her feet felt restless, and this bedroom felt far too small, so Kate headed toward the doorway, wanting to find another room in the house in which to distract herself.

Anthony and Edwina slowly walked together through the gardens of Aubrey Hall, staying in companionable silence as they took in the beautiful flowers and shrubbery around them. Edwina made a comment about one of the types of flowers they passed, possibly the hyacinths, and Anthony made a noncommittal response. They continued on.

Even though there was silence between them, Anthony felt a storm raging around inside his head… all his thoughts, as they had been for weeks now, were of Kate.

She had shocked the hell out of him this morning when he found her alone in these very gardens, and she told him - in a manner that looked as if she were attempting to pull out her own teeth - that she was giving him her blessing to propose to Edwina. After Anthony had comforted her during the thunderstorm last night, she felt that his kindness and good character showed that he would be a suitable match for Edwina. Anthony could only stare at her as she spoke, his heart pounding in his ears as he took in her words.

He wished more than anything that she took back every bloody one.

It was a silly wish, however, since he knew that this - as he had to remind himself - was exactly what he wanted. Whatever heat or attraction he felt toward Kate would fade over time, as attraction tended to do, and he and Edwina could be man and wife until his inevitable death.

That was the plan. That had always been the plan.

When Anthony had stood up from the bench and walked numbly back toward the house, he knew Kate would assume he was going to seek out Edwina. He tried to convince himself that he would do just that, so that he could get this proposal over and done with, but instead he found himself walking straight to his study and locking the door behind him. It wasn't even noon yet, but Anthony didn't hesitate heading over to the decanter of whiskey beside his desk and pouring himself a generous glass.

A part of him hated the way Kate made him feel. Even back when they had first met, and she was this annoying, managing shrew who constantly declared how much she detested him, he still found himself reluctantly intrigued by her. Her sharp wit and sharper tongue made a stark contrast from all the sweet, simpering debutantes constantly trying to get his attention at balls and soirees. She was a refreshing change, and after a certain amount of time, he found himself rather enjoying the vitriolic back-and-forth they shared.

And pretty soon, he had found that all of his thoughts were being consumed by Kate.

But he couldn't love her. If he was doomed to die like his great father before him, then love would only complicate his life and make his remaining years unbearable. That was why he needed to choose someone like Edwina as his bride: a young lady who was beautiful and kind, and who would be a good mother to his children, but not someone with whom he could fall in love. That was for the best.

Anthony lingered in his study for the next half-hour or so, finishing his drink before finally leaving and heading down to the main hall. Several of the houseguests had congregated there, including his mother, who was standing with Mary and Edwina Sheffield. Anthony knew now was the time for him to bite the bullet.

It has to be this way.

Anthony greeted the three ladies and offered to escort the two Sheffield women out into the garden while his mother watched on with eager eyes. Anthony knew how much his mother wanted her children to be married off, and she clearly had pegged the Sheffield's for her eldest son.

Well, she was about to get her wish.

The three of them walked out into the garden, talking politely of the weather and of the dreadful storm last night. Anthony remembered finding Kate curled up under the desk in the library last night, desperately afraid of the storm raging outside, and Anthony remembered feeling his heart break upon seeing her in such a state, instinctively reaching out to comfort her. Kate had mentioned that Mary and Edwina didn't know she feared storms so much, so Anthony remained silent on the matter. But his mind still could not help but linger on her.

Edwina soon expressed her desire to see the flowers in the garden, and Anthony offered to show her. Mary insisted she was already too tired from walking, and she waved the two of them off, her eyes shining in a way similar to Lady Bridgerton.

So Anthony and Edwina walked on, Anthony unable to help feeling he was walking his own death march. He had to keep reminding himself that this was for the best.

"Miss Sheffield," he finally spoke, stopping in his tracks in the middle of the garden. Edwina stopped as well, gazing at him. "There is something in which I would like to ask you, and I truly hope you will say yes…"

The words rolled off his tongue as if by dictate, and his proposal he recited as if he were reading a script. He had no flowery words of love for her since he didn't believe in saying that in which he did not feel, and he knew it didn't matter. His position as a viscount made him a more than suitable husband for a mere maiden from Somerset, and Edwina would never turn down the prospect of such an advantageous marriage.

He finished his proposal with the key question, officially asking if she would be his wife. He knew what her answer was going to be, however, and he braced himself for the inevitable…

"I am sorry, my lord. But I cannot accept your proposal."

It took Anthony a moment to register what she had said. Surely he had misheard her? "Er… what?"

Edwina had the decency to blush and look down at her feet. "Forgive me, my lord, since I am not insensitive to the honor of your proposal. But for me to accept it would be impossible, and therefore I must refuse."

Anthony blinked, taken aback. In all his years, he had never heard of a young lady of her status refuse the proposal of a viscount. He straightened up imperceptibly, as if trying to regain his composure. "I am at a loss of what to say, Miss Sheffield. For what reason are you refusing me?"

"Forgive me, my lord. You seem like a very good man," Edwina said, gazing into his eyes once again, and Anthony knew she was being sincere. "But I do not wish to get married unless it is for love. I must be honest and tell you that I do not love you, Lord Bridgerton, and I do not think you love me either."

Anthony remained silent. She was right, of course, but what could he say to that? Should he admit to her that he never intended to marry for love? That would likely only insult her, not to mention it would begin a rumor of his true intentions regarding marriage. He chose not to say anything.

"And in all conscience, I could not marry you," Edwina went on. "Not when I know how my sister feels about you."

Anthony felt his heart ache at the mention of her sister. "Kate?" he couldn't help but blurt out.

"Of course. Do I have another sister?" Edwina giggled. "She may not like to admit it to anyone since her initial feelings toward you were so violently negative, but I can read my sister very well. It has become extremely obvious to me that she has fallen in love with you, and although it would be wonderful to be able to support my family with an advantageous marriage to you, I could never do it if it came at the expense of my sister's heart."

Anthony could only let her words wash over him, his heart pounding a furious tattoo against his chest. Kate loved him? He had suspected she was attracted to him, considering how she had responded to the kiss in his study that night several weeks ago, and how flushed her face got whenever he was close to her. But love? He wanted to deny it - to pretend that Edwina had completely misread her sister's feelings - but who else knew Kate better than her own sister? In all likelihood, Edwina had accurately read her sister's feelings.

If Anthony was honest with himself, he could see himself falling in love with Kate, and the prospect of that terrified him. The last thing he ever wanted to do was fall in love, since he knew he would one day die and leave this world, and the idea that he would be leaving behind a woman who loved him was unbearable.

But Kate already loved him, as Edwina seemed to believe, so perhaps it was too late. Perhaps Anthony had already fallen into the trap that he'd been so desperate to avoid his entire adult life, so there was little he could do to avoid it now.

That realization was an oddly freeing one.

"My lord?" Edwina asked tentatively when Anthony hadn't spoken for several moments. "Are you well?"

Anthony blinked. "Of course," he said, clearing his throat. "Of course I am well, I am merely surprised… I did not realize your sister felt that way about me."

"She does not show her feelings very much," Edwina smiled when talking of her sister. "But she is fiercely loyal, and the most wonderful person I know. I was actually starting to suspect -" Edwina paused before blushing. "Nevermind."

"No please. Tell me," Anthony insisted, finding himself desperate to hear what Edwina thought of her sister.

Edwina smiled again, looking a bit embarrassed. "I was starting to suspect that you were rather smitten with her too."

Anthony didn't say anything for a moment before feeling the heat creep up his neck. "Oh."

"Far be it from me to tell a viscount how he feels," Edwina insisted, still looking rather embarrassed. "And I realize men of your standing often prefer to marry for convenience rather than love, but I would sometimes observe the way you looked at her when she was not noticing, and I rather thought… well…"

Edwina was clearly too uncomfortable to continue speaking, and Anthony couldn't help but smile. "You are a very observant young lady, Miss Sheffield."

Edwina giggled. "Mama tells me that all the time."

Anthony glanced toward the entrance of the garden, which looked farther away than he liked. It only put more distance between himself and Kate. "Er, Miss Sheffield," he quickly turned back to Edwina, unsure of how he wanted to phrase his question. "Would you mind if we… er… that is to say, could we…?"

"Could we pretend this conversation never happened?" Edwina asked with a tinkling laugh. "Nothing would make me happier, my lord."

"Thank you," Anthony said gratefully. "And also, would you mind terribly if I did not escort you back to the house? I am afraid there is something I must do, and I cannot wait another moment."

Edwina's smile seemed to widen even more as she nodded, the delight in her countenance shining through. "Please, my lord. Do not let me keep you from your business."

With a polite tip of his hat, Anthony turned and hurried alone toward the house, his heart pounding loudly in his ribcage. He knew a prouder man then himself would be put off and insulted by Edwina's refusal of his proposal, but above all he felt an overwhelming sense of relief and joy.

Deep down, he knew he did not want to spend his life with Edwina Sheffield, no matter how much he tried to rationalize his reasons for proposing to her. He was incredibly thankful she had refused him, because if she had not, he would have followed through on the biggest mistake of his life.

He needed to find Kate. Now.

He finally reached the house and hurried through the front doors, nearly running into Penelope Featherington in the parlor. "Penelope," he greeted her, noticing a book in her hand. She was clearly about to head outside to read in this beautiful weather.

"Lord Bridgerton," Penelope smiled, curtsying. Her attitude toward him had been very warm since he had been kind enough to escort her into dinner the other night, rescuing her from the evil clutches of Cressida Cowper.

"Have you seen Miss Sheffield?" Anthony asked. "Kate," he added, remembering that there were two Miss Sheffield's.

"Oh. I believe I saw her walking into the library about half an hour ago," Penelope said, gesturing toward the staircase. "Would you like a servant to go fetch her?"

"No, I shall go," Anthony said, moving toward the staircase. "Thank you!"

"Is everything well?" Penelope asked, clearly concerned at his urgent manner.

Anthony grasped the banister by the staircase before turning back to her. "Everything is wonderful," he smiled. And with that, he bounded up the stairs two at a time, heading straight for what he hoped would be his future.

Kate could not find distraction in a book. She knew it was rather foolish of her to try, but she was desperate at this point. She tried picking up a few of her favorite fiction novels, but even those couldn't take her mind off of what she knew was happening out in the garden. She now began thumbing through some sheet music she found near the back shelf - some of these, she suspected, were original Beethoven manuscripts, and she idly wondered if she could attempt to play any of these pieces on the flute.

Probably not.

As Kate read through the sheet music, she mentally began preparing herself for when she would inevitably hear the news that Viscount Bridgerton and Edwina Sheffield were officially engaged. It would likely be over dinner, and she would have to smile, she knew, and convey delight on behalf of her sister. She rationalized that she would be happy for Edwina on some level in her heart, for she knew marrying a Bridgerton was incredibly advantageous. The Bridgerton name alone was enough to protect and support the Sheffield's for the rest of their lives. Edwina deserved no less.

Kate thumbed through the sheet music for several minutes before putting them back, and she suddenly heard the door of the library open. Curious to see which of the other houseguests had come into the library instead of going outside to enjoy the lovely weather, Kate walked around the bookshelves toward the doorway.

"Hello?" she called, looking around for the intruder.

"Kate."

Kate froze. Anthony Bridgerton walked toward her from the doorway, his eyes wide as he stared at her. The expression on his face was odd, as if he were both terrified and relieved to have found her here.

"Anthony," Kate blurted out before blushing, looking down. "I-I mean, my lord. What are you doing here?"

Anthony took a step forward, still gazing directly at her. "I came looking for you. Penelope said she saw you come in here earlier."

Kate's blush deepened. "I was merely looking for something to read, my lord. Everybody else has gone outside to enjoy the beautiful weather, but I felt that I preferred solitude today, which was why I came into the library." Kate knew she was rambling, but continued on: "Everyone has been going outdoors today to see your mother's flowers in bloom. I actually saw you and Edwina walking together out into the gardens…"

"Edwina and I are not engaged."

Anthony's words were direct and matter-of-fact, and Kate went silent. They were not engaged? But Kate had given him her blessing, and he had practically run off this morning to find Edwina, hadn't he? She had seen the two of them walking together into the garden, and it was clear as day to anyone observing them what he was planning to do.

"What?" Kate could not help but ask, blinking at him. "But… I gave you my blessing."

"You gave me your blessing," Anthony conceded, taking a step toward her. "But Edwina and I are not engaged. I do not plan on ever making her my wife."

Kate blinked again, feeling a small burgeon of hope in her heart that she quickly tried to quash down. "I do not understand," she whispered.

"Kate, I…" Anthony began, his expression looking almost pained. He closed his eyes for a moment before looking at her again. "I never planned on marrying for love. It was a decision I had made for myself many years ago, and it was what I had thought I needed. It was not because I did not believe in true love - I do, in fact, believe in it - but for reasons I cannot explain right now, I thought I could avoid falling in love. Marrying for convenience felt like the practical thing to do. But I realize now that it was all an act of futility."

Anthony moved closer to her, and Kate couldn't take her eyes away from him, her heart pounding a furious rhythm in her ribcage.

"I met you, Kate," Anthony said quietly, taking her hands in his own. Kate glanced down at their joined hands before meeting his eyes once again. "I met you, and there has been nobody else. There never could be anybody else, and I was a fool for thinking I could pretend otherwise. I love you, Kate."

Kate felt several tears slide down her cheeks as her face broke out into a smile, and she looked down at the floor, unable to contain her emotion. This whole situation felt like a dream, she could hardly believe this was happening… that her prayers had been answered and Anthony truly loved her back! She felt him release her hands as he took a step closer to her, bringing a hand up to gently cup her cheek and tilt her tear-streaked face up toward him so they gazed into each other's eyes once again.

"I love you too, Anthony," Kate whispered to him, her eyes shining. "With my whole heart, I love you more than I can possibly say."

Anthony let out a breath, almost like a sigh of relief, when he suddenly pulled her to him, pressing his lips to hers in a desperate, passionate kiss. Kate did not hesitate to kiss him back, sliding her arms up around his neck while his hands moved down her waist, pressing her up against his arousal. He opened his mouth against hers, and Kate followed suit, their tongues tangling together in a sensual dance. She sighed against him, and Anthony let out a growl.

If this truly was a dream, Kate wished never to wake up from it.

After what felt like an eternity, Anthony finally pulled away from the kiss, slowly and deliberately. He rested his forehead against Kate's, both of them panting for breath but still unwilling to let each other go. Their eyes remained closed as they soaked in the beauty of this moment.

"Forgive me," Anthony finally said, pulling away slightly, and Kate opened her eyes to look at him. "I was an ass, and I refused to see what was right in front of me the whole time. Please forgive me for not telling you how I felt."

Kate twisted her lips in a smile. "I will forgive you, if you will forgive me for pushing you toward my sister when everything in my heart was screaming at me not to."

"I have a feeling that Edwina shall be very well pleased with this development," Anthony smirked. "As will both our mothers, although they might be confused since they had hoped to orchestrate a match with me and your sister."

"Our mothers?" Kate asked archly. "They would only know about us if we were getting married, sir, and I do not recall you making any proposals to me."

"Have I not?" Anthony asked lightly, in a tone that suggested he had merely forgotten to read the latest Whistledown. Kate shook her head with a smile. "Then I suppose I shall have to do just that."

Anthony gently cupped Kate's face once again with his hand, running his thumb along her cheek, and Kate felt her heart melt into a puddle on the floor. "Will you, Katherine Sheffield, the woman I love and adore more than anyone on this earth, do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

"I will," Kate smiled, her eyes filling with tears. Because, truly, how could she possibly say no to this man?

Anthony beamed before leaning down and kissing her again, and Kate couldn't fight her wide smile as she kissed him back, the joy in her heart overwhelming her to the point when she felt she could no longer contain it.

This man, her viscount, actually loved her. She doubted there was any feeling in the world greater than that.

THE END