One day, Count Olaf adopted three ungrateful orphans.
"We don't want to work for our supper, Count Olaf!" they said. "We want to take our fortune and live on our own!"
"You ungrateful orphans!" said Count Olaf. "I'll teach you to appreciate what you get!"
He picked up a piano and threw it at them, killing them.
"Now the Baudelaire fortune is all mine!" Count Olaf cackled and drove to the bank to withdraw his new fortune.
Mr. Poe coughed in Olaf's face and said, "Sorry, Count Olaf, but you can't have the Baudelaire fortune. It's not to be used until Violet comes of age."
Count Olaf couldn't wait that long, so he punched Mr. Poe in the guts and ruptured his spleen. As the banker lay dying on the floor, Olaf broke into the vault and stuffed the Baudelaire fortune into a sack. On his way out, he noticed that the police had him surrounded.
"Throw down the fortune and put your hands on your head!" yelled the Chief of Police.
Count Olaf just smirked at them. "Knock knock," he said.
"Who's there?" said the police.
"Bullet."
"Bullet who?"
But instead of telling them who, Count Olaf pulled out a machine gun and mowed down the entire police force.
He used the Baudelaire fortune to build a tall tower to reach into the heavens. He climbed to the top and bellowed, "I am greater than God!"
Then God appeared out of a whirlwind and spoke to Count Olaf:
"What! You think you are greater than God?! Who is it that created the Earth and all its living things? Who summons the clouds to make it rain, or shakes the Earth and topples nations?"
"I would do all that and more, if I were God!" declared Count Olaf.
"You! Would you tangle with Leviathan? See how fearsome he is. Hardened scales cover his body. He spits fire from his mouth and lightning from his nose. There is no stronger creature in all creation!"
Count Olaf shot a testy glare at Leviathan. It shrieked and ran away. "Don't waste my time. Go away, God, and leave my kingdom to me."
God slunk away in shame.
Count Olaf ascended to the divine throne and cast his gaze over the world. Under his benevolent guidance, the Earth knew a thousand years of peace and prosperity. And after that, there were many many more. Selah.