a/n - this fic will probably get pretty heavy later on, just warning you now. btw i'll update as often as i can, which will be a lil tricky considering i'm running two longfics atm. if i fall behind a little don't worry.

…

Elli found herself back on the beach, staring out at the black waves crashing onto the sand, constantly foaming and retracting into themselves to plunge into the sand once more, like wild animals thrashing against a cage; she moved closer once they spewed a bloated, well-preserved corpse onto the shore.

It was a woman, her dark hair matted and crusted over with salt crystals, her once light skin now sallow. One dark brown eye, shriveled and almost unrecognizable, hung from its socket and dangled on a thread of faded muscle. Her jaw was wrenched open, revealing putrefied, blackened gums, forever freezing her final expression into pure terror. Tattered black rags wrapped around her decaying form and trailed back toward the ocean, like she used to be in a shroud that was ravaged by the tide.

Elli couldn't get any closer, even if she wanted to. The stench of ancient, underwater rot, damp and sickly sweet, was thick, heavy, and it was everywhere. If she lingered on it, she swore there were traces of stomach acid and copper under the current, too. She couldn't breathe freely for too long before warm bile rose into the back of her throat; she'd have to cover her mouth and nose with her sleeve. She gazed into her horrible face, helplessly wondering what could've happened to her.

Then her insides turned to ice upon realizing who it used to be. The roars of the ocean pounded in her ears, and the pungent breeze made sweat on her forehead obvious. She stumbled backward, wanting to do something—scream, cry, anything—yet all she did was stare. Aches wracked her heart.

How did her mother end up here?

…

"Elli, why aren't you doing anything?" the doctor said to her, jolting her out of her thoughts. "We have a patient here." Disoriented, she recoiled from the bright overhead lights burning her retinas. Hopefully she wasn't standing there for too long…

He gestured toward the blonde woman lying on the bed after pulling back the curtains. She drew closer to get a better look. Wasn't there a dark-haired man just there? She couldn't think of what she was doing before he called out to her. Why couldn't she remember?

"What did you want me to do?" she said, her gut knotting a little upon asking.

"I want you to ensure she's alright, since I have to check up on Cliff. She passed out in the mines—I believe due to exhaustion."

She had to think about what he said for a moment. She nodded, then watched him walk past the curtains, out of her sight, before turning back to the woman on the bed. She was resting soundly under the sheets, her tanned, oval-shaped face suddenly a most intriguing point of interest. Her medium-length blonde hair framed it perfectly. She was…beautiful. Her heartbeat went a little askew when the word popped into her head, as it felt weird for her to even think it. Ladies were nice looking or pretty, not beautiful—as she would think with a man. The doctor was, not…whoever this was. And yet, she found other words ineffective to describe her at that moment. Resting soundly, safe; protected from having to fight with her own consciousness constantly. Elli remorsefully wanted to be sleeping just like her, safe like her, where she didn't have to deal with people at all and she'd be away from—

She shook her head. She needed to stop thinking about it. She needed to remember her damn name, more importantly.

Charlotte? Clarice? It was something that started with a c, it had to be. Elli ran through what she knew in her head, becoming increasingly stressed out the longer nothing kickstarted her memory. It was probably such a basic name, too; how bad was she that she was struggling with basic information?

"Elli?" She froze. The woman's blue eyes were open. "Where…am I?"

When their eyes met, the name returned, bringing back a cascade of fading memories and—unfortunately—conflicting emotions that she wished remained repressed. Claire.

"You're in the clinic," she said robotically, now preoccupied with wrestling her mind away from what had happened a few days ago. If she thought about it in any greater detail she'd start feeling nauseated. "You passed out in the mines."

Her brow furrowed; she hadn't completely woken up. "The mines?" She slowly sat up. "I was in—aw, crap!" At that her eyes grew wide, and she then faced Elli, visibly embarrassed. "I did it again! I'm so sorry, I need to stop bothering you guys."

"It's okay." She hoped that she said that in a convincing manner.

Claire ran her fingers through her hair, probably to check for bumps. Her rough fingers that, with a little tending to, could be soft and delicate aga—what was wrong with her? Why did she have to notice her hands?

"My head hurts a little, probably from conking out, but I think I'm good otherwise. If something comes up, I'll know where to go." She got to her feet, glanced around for a few moments, then glanced back at her. "Hey, wasn't there some other guy here before me? I remember seein' someone on the floor."

"Cliff. I'm surprised you remember that."

"Yeah, Cliff! Is he alright? I think he needed help more than me. I was just being dumb, and, while I appreciate you guys, ya can't fix dumb."

Elli didn't think she was (and an urge to say so came and went, but she ignored it). "He's helping him out right now. The doctor, I mean."

"Well, that's good to hear." She was quiet for a few awkward moments that stretched on far too long; Elli knew that if she stared at her gentle, pleasant facial features she'd get lost in them, which perturbed her deeply. "So…I'll see ya around, then?"

"Yes." Right now, more than anything, she wanted to scream at herself.

Claire offered a friendly smile before leaving. "Cool."

She watched her hair shine under the clinic's lights as she moved past her, fascinated. A small part of her wanted to stop Claire so she could talk to her, though she throttled it the moment it emerged. Fostering relationships with patients wasn't a good idea (although doing the same with your boss probably wasn't much better). Well, any relationships that were more complicated than plain friendship. She wasn't taking a risk with developing a crush on someone else.

She stood still, and for one measly instance, she managed to remain in the empty, white vastness of the clinic without a single thought invading her headspace.

Then the passing desire to cry in the bathroom bit into her. She almost made it—then snapped out of it. The bathroom could wait. She lingered for a moment, gripping her brooch, before deciding to fix up the cot for future patients, knowing she was in for an intense bout of self hatred later.

…

Elli was thankful that she hadn't had to deal with Karen's latest bout of alcohol poisoning; and as she mindlessly filled out paperwork at her desk, she went over the bits and pieces of witnessing Karen at her lowest. She was mumbling nonsense into the telephone at the moment, and from what she could make out she was arguing with her mother (if she had to hazard a guess, it was about her drinking habits). It was somewhat difficult to look at her after the events of the past few nights.

After the doctor made certain she hadn't suffered brain damage (and suggested she stay here for a while for monitoring), her horrible hangover led to quite a few accidents; namely, wetting herself and banging her head on the toilet multiple times. Well, holding her hair as she regurgitated some saltine crackers or the television dinner the doctor cooked up for her wasn't much better for what remained of Karen's ego, either…The town wouldn't be able to let her live it down if gossip ever got a hold of the incident.

What she kept replaying in her head, however, was when she first arrived—smothered in her own vomit, borderline unresponsive, with her mother rushing her in, utterly distraught; a scene that would, without any hesitation, manifest in her nightmares for months. Seeing Sasha and Karen like that, completely vulnerable, completely at the mercy of whatever fate had decided for them, formed a pit in her stomach that no amount of paperwork could hide. In fact—she would never tell him—she wondered for a long time that night if he could even save her. The clinic hadn't had a sight like that in years, way back when Lilia…She shuddered. If anyone died in this place, they would have to shut it down. No one would be able to foster faith again in a clinic that failed to do its only purpose.

Something wet and cold bled into her elbow. Looking down revealed she had somehow knocked over the inkwell. Its contents were sinking into her current packet as a black pool, melding the text with it as it spread. She didn't know what she'd do if she had any more papers on the surface.

"Damn," she said under her breath, fumbling a little until she secured them. When she lifted them up into the light to see if anything was still readable, they dripped onto her dress. Just what she needed. Hopefully he wouldn't be too upset when he found out about her mistake. Maybe he had copies, so this wasn't much of a problem to begin with. Her hands were trembling now. She didn't want to get yelled at. There was a lump forming in her throat. She didn't want him to hate her. Something warm was trickling down her cheeks. She didn't want to be here anymore.

Elli slapped the tainted papers back down onto the desk and stood up from her seat, trying to ignore Karen's prying eyes as she ran for the bathroom. Her vision had clouded by the time she slammed and locked the door, and shortly afterward she sank to the floor as a few pathetic whimpers escaped her. As much as she tried to stifle the oncoming surge of tears, it was simply too much and she started bawling, curling up into the fetal position. She didn't know why she was acting like a fool. There was no reason for her to be doing this at her job, but of course it had to happen anyway. To make it more embarrassing, any further attempts to stop herself just resulted in mucus seeping from her nose and her sobs turning into terrible keens.

She just wanted the pain to stop.

…

a/n - i hope you enjoyed the first chapter. things will get more interesting in the next chapter…