*If I told you*
"Edward, please don't be mad. Alice needs my help."
My hands reach for his, but he pushes mine away. He's disappointed ... more than that, he's angry. I understand why. It's his parent's 30th wedding anniversary. We're all packed and ready to celebrate with them at the elaborate party his family is hosting.
Well, almost ready ...
We've been dating for six months; six incredible months. However, I haven't met his family. Edward is desperate to introduce me to them. I'm the reluctant one.
"I'm sorry. You know I wouldn't cancel unless it was unavoidable."
"Do I?" Edward's eyes narrow, his expression accusatory.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about Bella. How much of an idiot do you take me for?"
"I don't understand," I claim, but that sinking feeling in my stomach intensifies.
"Why is it that every time I suggest you meet my family, something gets in the way? Do you not want to meet them, or is it us you're just not sure of?"
"How can you say that? Alice is desperate. I can't let her down."
"But it's okay to let me down?"
Silence...
What should I say? How do I respond when there's no excuse for letting the man I love down. I'm a terrible girlfriend.
I don't deserve him.
"Edward -" I start before he cuts me off.
"Save it, Bella; I'm done listening to your excuses." And with that, he turns and walks out the door.
I watch him go, sinking to the floor. Is this the end? Has Edward finally had enough of my avoidance? I hate that we got into a fight, but what I hate most is that he's right. I am making excuses not to meet his family because I'm fucking scared.
His family are all perfect, loving role models.
Mine ... not so much.
Edward doesn't understand what it's like to have a dad walk out on you when you were in diapers. Or a mother who was only there to pick up the welfare check. A woman who thought nothing of moving her daughter from one home to another to follow the latest in a long list of deadbeat men. He doesn't know what it's like growing up in a house filled with tension and arguments, with no love or stability
And that's just the half of it …
All Edward knows is the person I am now; the strong, passionate woman who takes no shit from anyone. He doesn't know the things I had to do to survive ... to eat … to pay the rent when Mom was too hungover or still drunk from the night before to go to work. It fell to me to bring the money in. There's no excuse for stealing, but it was a choice between starving or being made homeless, and I did what I had to do. I'm not proud of it.
When I left home at sixteen, things didn't get much better. I had to work three jobs to pay my way through community college. It took a lot of sacrifices and hard work to get to where I am now. I got a lucky break at Hale and Son's Law firm. But the internship was just the start. It's taken blood, sweat, and tears to work my way up the corporate ladder, which is where I met Edward.
The day we met we clicked instantly despite my clumsiness that resulted in him wearing half of my drink. As an apology, I took him for coffee (oh the irony) as coffee led to dinner … dinner led to drinks. The rest is history, and we've been together ever since.
His family is old money, and despite being polar opposites, we work. Edward is never shy of telling me how he feels, or being openly affectionate, which as a child starved of warmth, took some getting used to. Edward is, without a doubt, the most caring man I've ever met, but I still feel like an imposter in his very glamorous world.
Sure, I've come a long way, but my insecurities are still there. Edward knows my childhood was difficult, so he doesn't push me to talk about it, but would he still want me if he knew about my past?
Edward isn't shallow or materialistic, but his family is important to him, and I'm terrified they'll take one look at me and realize I'm not good enough for their son.
I worry I'm not enough. I love him so much, and I don't want to take that risk, but it looks like I've destroyed my relationship with the only man I've ever trusted… ever loved all on my own.
My crying turns to full-on sobbing, so much that I don't hear the door open, or the footsteps approaching. I don't notice any of those things except for the strong arms that wrap around my body, lifting me off the floor. Edward carries me to the sofa, and I curl against him when he sits with me on top of him. My arms wrap around his shoulders, terrified to let him go … scared this could be the last time he holds me.
When Edward eventually pulls away, I see the concern on his face. I instinctively look away, but gentle hands bring my face back to his worried expression.
"I'm so sorry," I choke up.
"I'm sorry, too. I hate fighting with you." Edward leans down, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead.
"Me too," I agree.
Brushing my hair off my face, he pleads, "Talk to me, baby. What is this all about? If you don't want to meet my family because I'm coming on too strong, I can back off, but you need to tell me what I'm doing wrong"
His words bring fresh tears to my eyes because it's just typical of Edward to blame himself.
"It's not you … it's me."
"Really? You're using that line on me?" he teases, trying to lighten the mood, and when he offers me my favorite crooked smile, I smile back despite my tears.
"Talk to me, Bella," he says, turning serious.
"I want to meet them, but I'm scared…"
"About what?"
Taking a deep breath, I explain, "That they'll take one look at me and realize I'm not good enough for you." My voice cracks as tears run down my cheeks.
Edward looks horrified.
"I don't understand where all this is coming from?" He asks, brushing away my tears. "Why would you think that?"
"It's hard to explain. You don't know what my family is like. I'm not the perfect person you think I am."
"So tell me what's so bad that it's gonna make me love you any less than I already do. You have to trust me, baby," he begs.
And I do …
I trust him enough to open up in a way I've never opened up to anyone before him.
I start by telling him about growing up in a tiny two-room house in Forks. I tell him how poor we were … about the days I went without eating to the point where I passed out in school because I was so hungry … about the time I was so cold I ended up in hospital with pneumonia, only to run away when we couldn't afford the medical bills. I tell him about my mom and her addictions. I'm embarrassed when I tell him of the times I stole to pay for food … rent …bills, but Edward shows no sign of disappointment or judgment.
When I'm finished, I'm crying; Edward is too. He pulls me closer, wrapping me in his arms, rubbing soothing circles on my back as I try to calm down. When my tears have dried, he takes my face in his hand, bringing my gaze up to his.
"Bella, how can you think I would judge you for doing what you had to survive. All the things you came through only make me love you more." He tells me with passion.
His lips meet mine, but before we get carried away, I pull back. Edward goes to kiss me again, but I push him away.
"No … We can't, not now. I need to speak to Alice."
His face falls as I grab my phone, dialing her number.
This can't wait.
"Hey, Alice. I'm sorry I can't make it after all. Something important has come up."
My eyes meet Edward's hopeful expression. I send him a wink, and he comes over, wrapping his arms around my waist, drawing me against him. When I've hung up the call, he kisses me long and hard, and I know I've made the decision – It was long overdue.
Regardless of what anyone thinks ... what I've been through... where I came from, I love their son, and it's time I stop letting my own insecurities about my past rule my present or even my future, which I know revolves around the man in my arms.