" Come in, come in, settle down.
" Is Mr Finch-Fletchley here yet? No of course not, thank you Miss Granger. I do in fact have eyes, that was a rhetorical question.
" Ah so good of you to grace us with your presence.
" Now, we're going to finish our module on Magical Sports with two lessons on what I think is the most important of them all.
" Yes, I know we've already covered Quidditch. I am speaking, children, of the Beautiful Game, as far removed from quidditch as Handel's divine music is from the noises of the Weird Sisters. I am speaking of Wizard Football.
" As you can see here, it is played in a large stadium - thank you Mr Thomas, that is indeed Upton Park, although wizards call it by its older name the Boleyn Ground, named after the witch-queen Anne Boleyn, about whom you will no doubt learn more from Professor Binns in due course - as I was saying, it is played in a large stadium between two teams of 11 wizards and witches.
" The teams deploy in the stands, amongst the fans watching Muggle Football, in pairs. They may position themselves anywhere they wish, but can not move from their seat during the game.
" Yes Miss Granger, I shall get to that, I am sufficiently skilled in arithmancy to know that eleven is not an even number.
" The pairs of players consist of a Cruciator and an Obliviator. The aim is for the Cruciator to cast the Cruciatus on muggle players, a difficult task to be sure at that sort of distance and while they are moving. Two points are awarded for each hit. A further point is awarded if the Obliviator can hit the same target with an Obliviate within ten seconds. The Cruciator can not cast again until the Obliviator has hit his target. The eleventh member of the team is the Confundor, responsible for Confunding the muggle referee into thinking that the Cruciatus was caused by another muggle player. He earns five points if the muggle referee shows a yellow card and ten for a red, and a bonus five points if it is awarded within the penalty area.
" An obvious strategy is to locate your pairs near the ends of the pitch so the penalty area isn't too far away, making targeting easier and bonus points more likely. For your homework I want six inches on the weaknesses of this.
" Does anyone have any questions before we watch highlights of a match?
" Of course you have questions Miss Granger. Let us start with the Obliviate. That, when properly cast, makes the muggle forget his exposure to magic and consequently forget his exposure to the Cruciatus. You will learn more of the Cruciatus in your fourth year, but in brief it causes intense pain. A particularly skilled caster can make the target dive elegantly, twitch artistically and roll over and over and over. "
Miss Granger opened her mouth again. Of course it would be her to rant about how "barbaric" it was. There was always one like her.
Professor Malfoy was most surprised when instead of shrieking like a banshee she replied "Oh …. Thank you professor, that … that explains a lot. "
AN: inspired by a prompt from BlacksmithMotor2580 on Reddit's HPfanfiction forum