Author's Note: I haven't written fic in almost a decade but this had to be written. I haven't let myself read any other fic since the finale so that I wouldn't inadvertently mimic anyone else's ideas, so after I hit post, I'm going to go tear through every other post-finale fic out there. This picks up immediately after episode 11 and fills in and corrects some scenes I believe we should have seen. You can assume some of the non-controversial scenes still exist in this universe, though you won't see them: Henry's scenes, Hickam and Fiona's, Rosemary working on the paper, Minnie and Carson, the Canfields. You can also assume that after this ends, the school children still gather to walk the Canfields to school. With huge thanks to Sarah and Angie for being my first sets of extra eyes and encouragement and to Jennifer whose enthusiastic and thoughtful feedback was truly invaluable. My hope is that my words help you make sense of what could have been, what should have been.
—
When Lucas left that night, Elizabeth was still reeling. "Her true love? … Nathan … Still….." With Lucas's broken voice and face burned in her memory, she felt sick. Sick over what she had done to him. Sick over how she had been behaving. Sick over what she had done to Nathan. The sobs came over her like waves, each one rising up from her heart and slamming against the backs of her eyes. The last few months came rushing back to her.
Lucas under a dark sky, his face lit by flickering candles: "You have no idea how happy I am to be here with you."
She knew then. She should have told him then. He treated her well. Spoiled her, really. Courted her in the only way he knew how. It was a relief to be taken care of. Like slipping into a familiar dress. Like walking in the gardens with an old friend. A respite from reality. But her heart had dropped at his words. She knew then that their hearts were not in sync. She knew it all along really, but that was the moment she realized she couldn't keep denying it, not to herself anyway. She should have told him then. They weren't on the same page. He was a dear friend, but she couldn't give him more. Instead, she had swallowed the knowledge like a stone into the pit of her stomach. Summoned a smile. "If I can't have Jack," she told herself, "at least he will treat me well. Maybe we could be happy together." And so she'd indulged in a charade with Lucas, leading him on for months. Every time she'd pulled back on instinct, she'd pushed herself forward again, resolving to take his hand, to get close to him, creating the intimacy she wanted to feel, that she craved.
Another regret flashed in her mind. Allie. "Fine. Don't come." The hurt and anger on Allie's face made Elizabeth's heart ache. She had caused Allie so much pain. And now for what? How could she ever repair that fracture?
And then Nathan's face swirled in front of her. "It would hurt too much to lose you the way I lost Jack." "I can't!" "We have to find a way to make things alright for her!" She had been desperate and angry - floundering - lashing out at Nathan for her own horrible mistake. She couldn't seem to control her tongue around Nathan. Lashing him with words as if her fists were pounding on his chest. What a mess she had made of things.
Elizabeth felt so alone, and unrelenting, another memory assaulted her. "How would you know what is best for me?" How would Rosemary ever forgive her bitterness? Her spiteful words?
Her regrets and grief swirled into the dark of night.
—
Elizabeth awoke to a knock. She'd slept restlessly in her sitting room and she felt unsteady as she moved to the door. Rosemary was on her porch and at her look of heartfelt sympathy, Elizabeth felt the tears well in her eyes again.
"Oh Rosemary, I've been behaving horribly. Of course you only want what's best for me. I have been so unlike myself that I lost sight of what that is, but I was so wrong to doubt your intentions. Can you ever forgive me for what I said to you?"
Rosemary stepped inside and folded Elizabeth into the tightest hug. "I already have."
—
Under the haze of mid-morning sun, Elizabeth, Little Jack, and Rosemary walked to the cafe. Rosemary had filled Elizabeth in on Lee's conversation with Clara and they wanted to be with her while they waited for news on Jesse.
They weren't the only ones. The trio stepped into Abigail's and found Florence, Molly, Fiona, and Faith comforting Clara.
"Oh, Clara," Elizabeth's face crumpled in sympathy. "They will find him. And he'll be just fine."
"Lee left at first light with the other men." Rosemary added. "I'm sure they'll all be back soon."
Rosemary and Little Jack joined Clara on the couch while Elizabeth busied herself making coffee. As she waited for the water to boil, she looked around Abigail's kitchen and thought longingly of her old friend. What would Abigail say to her now? Elizabeth wished she could hear her voice, tried to imagine her words of wisdom. "You weather the storm with family." The words echoed from the past.
Elizabeth turned her attention back to the circle of women in the sitting room. She had been so busy lately, inwardly focused on her courtship, her endless book revisions, learning how to teach Braille, she had missed these moments of community. She was glad she was here now, surrounded by friends, supporting Clara in her hour of need, and she resolved to be a better friend moving forward. With Little Jack on her lap now, Clara was sharing her own regrets. "I was so blinded by anger when Jesse told me he'd lost our savings. I lost sight of what matters most: being together, supporting each other. Thank goodness we already made up and put that behind us, but I can't believe we wasted so much time this year."
The kettle whistled, jarring Elizabeth from her thoughts. She stood to finish the coffee and Faith joined her to help. Elizabeth served coffee around the circle, while Faith followed offering cream and sugar. Elizabeth served herself last, watching the black liquid swirl.
"Sugar?" Faith asked, holding out a spoonful.
"Please."
Faith tipped the spoonful of sugar in and watched in surprise - and then met Elizabeth's equally surprised eyes - as an unearthed diamond ring followed the sugar into Elizabeth's cup.
Just then Hickam burst into the cafe. "We found him! He's alright." Clara stood, hurriedly handing Jack to Elizabeth and running outside. The women followed to see Nathan leading Jesse back on horseback.
"Jesse!" Clara called out.
He dismounted quickly and Clara rushed into his arms and held on for life.
He apologized profusely, "I'm sorry, Clara. I ran into some Pinkertons and got…" he hesitated, "...detained." For now, Jesse wanted to spare her - and the listening ears of the townsfolk - the details of his misadventure.
"Way to go, Nathan!" The townspeople had quickly assembled to applaud their Mountie who tipped his hat and gave a small smile.
Elizabeth caught his eye, opening her mouth to say something, but swallowing her words. She glanced at Jack in her arms, gave him a squeeze and then looked back to Nathan, who was riding past them now. "Can we talk?" she called up to him, the words bubbling up without her even knowing yet what she needed to say.
"Come to the jail? In a bit?" He responded, and he directed Newton and the horse Jesse rode back on toward the livery.
—
Elizabeth and Little Jack were waiting for Nathan in the jail when Bill walked in. Jack was sitting in Nathan's chair, playing with his horse figurine on the desk. Elizabeth stood by his side behind the desk. "Bill - how are you?" she asked.
"I'm fine, Elizabeth," he said as he entered the room. He paused, raised an eyebrow, "And you?"
"I'm…" She trailed off, and then looked up in chagrin. "Oh Bill, I have made such a mess of things." She looked back down at Jack and smoothed his hair.
"Jack would want you to be happy, Elizabeth," he reminded her.
She barked out a small hopeless laugh.
"And you will be," he reassured her. "You've just been through a lot. I have always thought you were smart to look before you leap."
"I feel like… I've been looking so much I can no longer see the forest for the trees." Elizabeth sighed.
Bill studied her. "Maybe you've been looking in the wrong place."
She looked up at him, her mind churning. "Bill, will you please tell Nathan that we stopped by? And that I'll come back tomorrow after school? There are some things I need to do before I speak to him."
—
Elizabeth went to the saloon first but Gustave told her that Lucas was in the library.
She held Jack's hand and guided him through the doorway, looking around the small room and finding Lucas at the shelves with his back to them.
"Hello." She said, and he turned.
"Elizabeth," he greeted her.
"Lucas, I owe you an apology."
"Elizabeth, you don't need to—"
"Please," she cut him off. "Allow me." She pulled a picture book from a low shelf and crouched down to offer it to Jack. Standing, she caught Lucas's eye. "Lucas, you have been such a gentleman. And so patient. You were right when you said last night that there's still…" She trailed off, as her eyes traveled up to the plaque on the wall above his head. Nathan's plaque. His gift to her. For the library. Always do what you are afraid to do. She inhaled and plunged forth, "You were right to discern that my heart hasn't really been free to give. That I wasn't being fair to you. And I'm sorry. I hope we can be dear friends." She paused, "In time."
He gave her a small smile. "In time," he echoed back and nodded. "This came for you by the way," he handed her the package containing the galley copy of her book from his mother. "It seems you finally worked out the ending." He gave her another small smile, "Goodbye, Elizabeth."
—
Always do what you are afraid to do.
Elizabeth had taken Jack home for lunch and an afternoon nap and asked Lee to stay with him while she went to find Allie. Rosemary was hard at work on the article about the County Board of Education's position on Angela Canfield.
As it was the last day before the start of school, Elizabeth had a hunch that she would find Allie by the pond. Sure enough, she found not only Allie, but Robert, Anna, Timmy, and Opal enjoying one another's company and the unseasonably warm afternoon. In a stroke of luck for Elizabeth, though, Robert, Anna, Timmy, and Opal were a bit further down the bank while Allie waited patiently for the fish in a quieter spot.
"Allie, can I sit with you?" She approached tentatively.
Allie glanced up briefly, then turned back to her fishing line. "I guess," she shrugged.
"Allie, I am so sorry I have hurt you," she began.
Allie stared at her line in the pond, studying the little ripples where it ducked under the water.
Elizabeth continued, "There's nothing I care about more, except Little Jack, than you… and all my students." She looked over at the foursome and then back at Allie, her profile lit in the late afternoon sun. "I care about your uncle too." Allie finally glanced sideways at her. "I haven't been acting like myself lately, Allie, and the worst part of that is that I know how deeply I have hurt you… and your uncle. I think you're perhaps old enough to understand that matters of the heart can be complicated."
Allie looked over at Robert and smirked, "Yeah, I'd say so."
Elizabeth smiled too, and continued, "You never met my late husband Jack but he was a good and noble man, like your uncle. I have… struggled to find my way since I lost him. Losing him and having Little Jack without him were the hardest things I've had to do." She looked over and caught Allie's eyes. "Do you remember when you first came to Hope Valley and you had some trouble finding your place? You pushed away the other kids, to protect yourself? But look at you now! Surrounded by such dear friends. I think of all the fun you've had together and I'm so glad for you. So inspired by you. I think… I know that I've been afraid of being hurt again too. But making decisions out of fear hasn't done me any good and I've been hurting people along the way too, people I love. I see that now. And I want to do better, I want to be better. Will you forgive me, Allie? I want to make things right between us."
"What about... Mr. Bouchard?" Allie asked, looking back at her line.
Elizabeth paused, searching for the right words. "Mr. Bouchard recognized before I did that I wasn't being true to myself. We have decided to remain friends."
Allie looked back at her, now with a glimmer of hope in her eyes.
"Allie, I don't know what that means for me and your Uncle," Elizabeth cautioned. "I know I've hurt him too. But no matter what happens with him, I couldn't bear it if you and I couldn't be friends. Allie, I will always be your teacher." She reached over and squeezed Allie's hand. "And I will always care for you. Very much."
Allie tossed down her fishing pole and threw her arms sideways around Elizabeth. She breathed the words quietly into the embrace, "I forgive you." Then she pulled back and beamed at Elizabeth with a twinkle in her eye. "And he will too."
—
Nathan and Bill were catching up on Jesse's rescue, the Pinkertons, and Wyman Walden. The Pinkertons had detained Jesse, brazenly thinking that his traversing in their area gave them some authority to do so. Jesse had escaped mostly unscathed but he had gotten turned around on the mountain when he fled. Bill had filled Nathan in on Hope Valley's prior encounters with a Spurlock. They both had the sense that this was not going to be a quick problem with an easy resolution. Nathan was planning on making a pre-dawn ride to the Canfields' old cabin the next day to try to get eyes on the Pinkertons and whoever had hired them. He wanted to get there and back in time to see Allie off for her first day of the new school year.
Bill could see that Nathan was tired. Nathan felt weighed down by the onslaught of work without the balance that a light heart would have given him. As his thoughts turned to Elizabeth, his heart throbbed with a deep ache and he sighed.
Bill gave him an appraising look.
"Sorry," Nathan said uncomfortably, realizing his sigh had been audible. "I just— I'm a bit tired. From Jesse's rescue. That's all."
He glanced at Bill to gauge if his excuse was believed. No such luck.
"Nathan. You don't have to pretend with me. I know heartache when I see it."
Nathan gave an acknowledging smile with downcast eyes.
"Elizabeth and Little Jack stopped by earlier. I'm sorry I forgot to mention it before," Bill said.
Nathan looked up again. He had wondered if he had missed her or if she had changed her mind about speaking to him.
Bill continued, "She wanted to speak with you, but she said she had some things she needed to do first. Said she'll come back tomorrow after school."
"It's the first day back tomorrow," Nathan supplied. "Probably about Allie…" He trailed off.
Bill allowed him the obvious deflection. "Anyway, it's probably time for Carson's send-off. Should we walk over?"
—
Carson and Faith were savoring their last moments alone together in the infirmary.
"This place won't be the same without you, Carson."
He smiled at her and took her hands, "It will be in the best of hands. You'll take good care of it. And I'm only a telephone call away if you ever need anything."
She looked up with a watery smile and hesitant eyes. She took back one of her hands from his grasp and reached into her pocket, pulling out the delicate diamond ring and holding it up between them. "I think… this might be yours? I found it in the sugar bowl at the cafe. Clara said…"
Carson was stunned into silence to see that Faith had found the ring. "Faith, I…"
"Carson, wait," she said, flipping his palm up and folding the ring into it. "When I found out about this fellowship, I was a confusing mess of emotions. I felt so strongly that you should take it, that you deserve to take it, to pursue your dreams. And I felt angry and sad about what that might mean for us." She held his gaze. "Because my time away in Chicago taught me that I am meant to be here, in Hope Valley. And I believe that if you and I are meant to be, then our hearts will cross paths again. But until then, I want you to keep this safe." She squeezed his enclosed hand.
He slipped the ring in his pocket, heart aching for the woman he was about to leave, and kissed her deeply.
—
"Farewell, Carson!"
"Good luck!"
"Break a leg! And then fix it!"
The people of Hope Valley were giving Carson a proper send-off.
Nathan and Bill stood on the outskirts of the crowd and Nathan caught just a glimpse of Elizabeth across the street before Carson's stagecoach arrived in a whirlwind of dust. She'd been comforting Faith and he didn't think she had noticed him.
Elizabeth had noticed him, though, her eyes traveling up and down his tall silhouette in the late afternoon sun before he'd seen her. She had directed her attention toward Faith, though, realizing she still had one last thing to do before she was ready to speak to Nathan.
When Carson's stagecoach pulled away, Nathan looked for where Elizabeth had been next to Faith but she was already gone.
—
Elizabeth had headed home quickly after saying farewell to Carson and giving Faith a tight comforting squeeze. She was eager to get back to Little Jack and center herself before the first day of school the next day, come what may with the Superintendent and the Canfields. She had thanked Lee for watching Little Jack, fixed a small supper for the two of them, and focused all of her attention on Jack for the hour before bed. Playing with his blocks, giving him a bath, reading a story, and snuggling with a lullaby before tucking him in. "Goodnight, Jack," she whispered to his sleeping profile as she backed out of the room.
Elizabeth washed her face and changed into her nightgown, and then tiptoed back downstairs to write in her journal. The past few days felt like weeks for all that had happened. Elizabeth was eager to process the changes that had happened and those yet to come. Jesse's return, Carson's leaving, even Henry Gowen had set off under rather mysterious circumstances. Rosemary's newspaper, new mayoral campaigns burgeoning, Wyman Walden, the Pinkertons, the Canfields, Angela, the Superintendent, the galley of her book, Lucas, Allie…Nathan.
Elizabeth ran her fingertips over the title of the galley, "Single Mother on the Frontier," she read aloud. "I did it, Jack," she said, looking at their framed wedding photo on her desk. She took her pen to her journal: When I lost Jack, I did not know how I would go on. But somehow I did. Perhaps just one day at a time. Perhaps catapulted forward by the demands and joys of new motherhood. I have raised our precious baby into a delightful young boy, I have found the strength to continue teaching, and I was inspired to write again. But I know Jack wanted more for me. He told me in his last letter that he wanted me to open my heart to love again. I tried to fight it. Oh, how I tried. Turned a blind eye to the call of my heart. Pretended that charming companionship would fulfill me, without the great risk of a second devastating heartbreak. But I have never been able to deny the call of my heart for long, and I cannot deny now that my heart belongs to Nathan."
Elizabeth set down her pen and spoke to Jack's picture once more. "I'll always love you, Jack. I can't help but feel that you sent Nathan to watch over us, and I know he always will. Thank you, Jack." She slipped off her wedding ring, placed it on the desk, kissed her fingers and placed them on Jack's picture.
—
Elizabeth was awake before dawn, too eager for the new day to sleep. Little Jack was still snuggled safe in his bed and would sleep for at least another hour. She'd wrapped a purple shawl over her nightgown and sat on her front stoop to greet the sunrise. With her gaze on the horizon, Elizabeth saw the sun burst up just as a lone figure on horseback, in a red serge, came into sight. "Nathan," she breathed on an exhale. She was on her feet and running before she knew it, racing toward his sunlit silhouette without a thought.
He recognized her form running toward him and kicked up Newton's pace as his heart leaped with a jolt of adrenaline. Elizabeth! He felt each hoofbeat hit the ground in time with each thump of his heart.
"Nathan!" she called out for him as she got within his earshot.
"Elizabeth!" He called back, urging Newton to close the distance and then pulling up to stop as they reached her. She was a vision, soft and glowing. He took in her nightgown and loose curls that flowed over her shawl. "What's the matter?" He asked in a rush. "Is it Little Jack? Are you okay?"
"He's fine. We're fine," she said between breaths. "Nothing is the matter, not anymore." She reached up for Newton's reins and patted his neck, grateful he carried Nathan to her so quickly.
"Nathan," she said his name, looking up to meet his eyes with her watery gaze.
"I'm not afraid anymore. …No, that's not true. I am afraid. Afraid that I've wasted so much time. Afraid I've pushed you away for too long. But I don't want my fears to get in the way anymore. I won't let them." Her voice was strong and resolute.
His heart, which had momentarily calmed, started thundering again. He gave her a piercing look. "Allie told me about…" he began. "She told me you spoke to her. That you two made amends." His heart swelled at the memory of Allie's effervescent report from the pond yesterday evening. "And she told me about what you said, about Lucas." He held her gaze. "Elizabeth," his voice broke on her name, "Are you sure…?"
She looked down for just a moment before finding his eyes again. "I thought, well, I convinced myself I was making a safe choice. That if I didn't risk great love again, I wouldn't risk great loss." She paused, then began again, "This might sound strange, but to be honest, I think I was looking for Jack in him. They both have a flair for… picnics. And candles." She gave the smallest of wry smiles, then sobered. "But, Nathan, I'm looking for something more."
They both watched as her left hand stroked Newton's neck and Nathan noticed it was bare. His heart jolted. She continued speaking, unaware of his discovery, "Jack wanted me to open my heart to love again. And I did, I have," she said, meeting his eyes. "I'm finally ready. Nathan, I'm so sorry for the way I've treated you, for running from you, for fighting with you, for taking so long. You deserve better. Will you forgive me?"
He wordlessly dismounted from Newton, pulled off his gloves, and stepped close, his wide stance opening himself to her. He cupped his warm hands around her upper arms, stopping himself from hauling her completely into his arms.
She reached up to place her own warm hands against the cool edge of his jawline. She spoke the next words in wonder, almost as if only to herself, "All this time, I have only loved you."
His lips found hers, hungry to swallow her words, feel them pump through his veins, pound in his heart, until they were humming in his ears. I have only loved you. I have loved you. Only you. I love you.
"Elizabeth—" He broke off from their kiss, pulled back to search her eyes while tightening the grip of his fingers on her forearms. She could see his thoughts racing in his piercing blue eyes.
"I don't want you to quit the Mounties." She flattened her palms across his chest. "I know the risks that come with your calling, Nathan, but I also know how wrong I was to run from my love for you." My love. It hummed through him again. "It would hurt me - just as much - to lose you if we were apart as it would if we were together. Maybe more. Our greatest risk is maybe never getting to experience our greatest joy and, Nathan—"
He stopped her with his lips once more, his heart pounding, driving him closer to her. "Nathan—" She pulled back this time, her voice breaking, "Nathan, I don't want to waste any more time apart."
"Marry me."
His voice was deep and gravelly and full of emotion. She looked up and locked on his blue eyes. Then she answered him with her lips, hands grasping at his face, feeling the faintest stubble at his jaw and the smooth skin of his cheeks, salty tears streaming down her own cheeks, nodding, smiling, beaming, yes. Yes.
"Yes."