Note: Picking up from 18x03. Let's all just ride with the pain.
"I… can't go home just yet."
Addison pursed her lips, trying to stop the sobs threatening to wreck her body. Crying would worry Jake… then he would fly to Seattle and she wouldn't be able to do what she's planning.
"Addison… What? I told you we should have gone with you." His voice was calm and comforting, but it wasn't enough to stop all the memories flooding in her mind right now.
If they were here, they would see how self-destructive she can be. Seattle was the only place in the world that's proof of her self-deprecating tendencies. Now that she's here, accompanied by nothing but longing for Derek, every progress she made all these years after Derek died just slipped away.
"I have—I need to do this alone... I just want to tell you it might take me a few days longer before I can go home. You don't have to worry about me." She badly wants to end the call, so she can give in to her emotions and cry her heart out. But, knowing her husband, that would just worry him even more.
"You know that's impossible. Just… Addison. Call me, okay? Henry misses you a lot already. I miss you." The slight stern in his voice made Addison nod, even though he couldn't see her.
The weight of her grief over Derek, added with her overwhelming love for them, felt like a ball ready to burst inside her.
"Yeah… I promise. Tell him I'll be home soon… I'll-I'll hang up now… I love you both." When they finally said their goodbyes, Addison finally let out her gasps, tears running down her face.
She felt like a bomb ready to go off all day. A few breakdowns here and there, more so when she felt like all the air in the world wasn't enough when her mind wrapped around the fact that she was in an elevator with Meredith, a glaring puzzle piece missing.
And when she thought she exhausted all her emotions, Derek's eyes stared at her the moment she looked at his son.
It was all too much.
Yet not enough.
She stared at her barely unpacked luggage, wiped her tears, and took a deep breath.
Right, she had to do this.
"Jake! God, you should have gone with Addie, it feels so surreal having her here and you guys should have—"
"Amelia. Yeah, we should have…" It felt horrible cutting the woman off, as Jake sensed how genuinely happy she was. Constant video calls here and there certainly wasn't enough, and as much as he shares the same sentiments with his younger honorary sister…
"Listen… I called yesterday night and, Addie's just not doing okay. She said she was going to stay for a couple more days… Could you check up on her? Make sure she's, well… fine?"
When there was silence on the phone, his worries just heightened.
"Amelia?"
"Jake… I—she's not there yet?"
"No. I just told you she said she won't be home for—"
"I brought her to the airport last night. She's not here…" He didn't know how to make sense of what Amelia was telling him. It's one of the things Jake dislikes about Addison, how she can just go about her actions without minding the people caring for her. While he knows it has everything to do with her upbringing…
"I'll look around, maybe she went back to her hotel. Alright, Jake? Hang tight." He barely smiled, appreciative of the fact that Amelia knows how much his speechlessness says a lot.
"I'll… I'll do that too. Thanks, Amelia."
Addison paced in front of the house, not entirely decided whether to go up and open the door.
She stared at the walk path, thinking about the years they spent walking on those alone and together. The whole place was marred with their happy and bitter memories, and she can already feel once again the prickling in her eyes.
She never planned on doing this. She could have went on with her life without drowning in her sorrows, opening up the box she once again built to cage her grief over her ex-husband's death.
What makes everything worse, his death came unexpectedly, while she was just starting to rebuild her happy ending.
With Jake and Henry, she managed to look and feel okay, thoughts of the overwhelming pain pushed at the back of her mind.
Like Bizzy all over again.
Except, she shared thousands of beautiful memories with Derek… and what could she do when someone who used to be her rock slipped away from her grasp forever?
She finally opened the Brownstone, determined to face what she had been holding off for years.