REMUS

Eyes down, don't you gaze on others,

Pay no mind to hopeful lovers,

Promise to be faithful when you

Go, go, go, go.

Man of the Year – Dance Gavin Dance

I'll never forget the first day she walked into my life – Nymphadora Tonks.

Stumbled really, but it's all the same.

She'd been all bright violet curls, bright eyes, bright smile – everything about her, so brilliantly bright and alive. Her voice was like velvet as she introduced herself, her handshake firm, her sense of purpose and worth still blissfully intact. She wore all black, and looked like she belonged more at a rock concert than she did an Order meeting.

She, so small and bright, was an Auror of all things, and a damn good one Alastor had proudly proclaimed. Nymphadora was his protégé, the pride of his career, though we were sworn to never let her know he said so. She didn't look like much of an Auror, not then at least – observant, curious, and a little tired as Auror's often were, but not so much otherwise.

Three months to the day – that was how long I knew Nymphadora before the first twinge of…something splintered its way through my carefully crafted walls. It was a slow realization of course, as things of that nature always seemed to be for me. More often than not, the realization would happen for me when it was far too late to act on it.

I almost wish that was how it'd happened this time too.

Usually I'd keep someone like her, so young and innocent, at a distance, for her protection and mine. I'd managed it for a short while, but then we were assigned missions together, more and more as the weeks passed, until we were spending hours together every few days. At first it was just work, just another war and just another mission, but…

It was so easy to be with her, to be comfortable around her, to really relax and enjoy her company despite the situation we found ourselves in. There was so much I liked about her – how witty, and warm, and intelligent, and all around brilliant she was. I clung to the light her presence brought my droll world, basked in it any time she was around.

It was the happiest I'd been since James and Lilly died.

So, I thought, what's the harm in being friends, especially if we were going to be spending so much time together anyway? We worked well with one another, the whole Order thought so, and it was hard to ignore how much I just genuinely wanted to be near her. More than that, she seemed to want to be near me too, even despite my condition.

Surprisingly, she never treated me like…well, like a werewolf.

She knew of course, not only because it was common knowledge in the Order, but also because she'd interviewed me some time ago, after Sirius broke out of Azkaban. There's a werewolf registry, which I'm sure she was aware of at the interview. Regardless, she never asked about it, just offered me tea or chocolate when I looked worse for wear, and left it at that.

She was always like that, so kind, always ready to help me, to help anyone in the Order really – even Mundungus. It had been a bitter pill to swallow when she finally opened up a bit about her career to myself and Sirius. She'd seen things in her four years as an Auror, things I had a hard time comprehending someone like her enduring.

They were the sorts of things she would only talk about with myself and Sirius, and only when she was thoroughly drunk.

She wanted no pity, she just seemed to want us to know she wasn't the inexperienced kid others in the Order tried to make her out to be. She shared stories that painted a clear picture – she belonged here, she's a fighter too. She reminded me very much of a young Sirius, and I couldn't help but be reminded of how much of our young years we'd lost to war and desperation.

Years that had turned her cousin into shell of his former self – years she would lose too.

With that thought in mind, I took it upon myself to protect any amount of her humanity I could manage, for as long as this war would last. I began reminding her each time we were together how much she mattered to the Order. I made it a point to praise her, no matter the outcome of the mission, to ensure there was some kind of light for her to hang on to.

It was almost like being a teacher again – innocent, encouraging, patient, fun even.

One day though, one day everything changed.

I came to a stark realization.

I was falling in love with her.

Me, an old, good for nothing werewolf with absolutely nothing to offer, was falling in love with Nymphadora Tonks.

I remember the exact moment I came to understand what I was feeling. It was before an early morning surveillance mission, while sipping tea in her kitchen as I listened to the sound of clothes rustling over her skin. I was politely facing the other way so she could have privacy, but when the thought hit me, I suddenly felt like I was the one exposed.

It was only a few days after a full moon, one I hadn't had Wolfsbane for, and my senses were still very much heightened. It was the first time I'd been to her flat, and being there, surrounded by her – her scent, her comfort items – it was invigorating, intoxicating. Terror and wonder had ripped through me at the same time, mudding things up in my head.

I could hardly stand to be more than an arm's length from her the rest of the day, and I knew that was no good.

I thought for a long time about what I would do, what I would say, how I would approach the situation – if I would. The longer I thought through it, the more I realized how stupid I was, on multiple accounts. Someone like her could never have feelings for me, and even if, God forbid, she did…well I'm no one to bring home to mum and dad.

No, I wouldn't ruin her life.

I would keep my heart to myself.

I would protect her, from everything, myself included.