The first time Law tipped backward out of a chair from rocking it backward - a little too much for his weight and gravity to bring him back down- he had hit his head on the edge of a wooden table and needed ten stitches to close the gash in his scalp. He was seven.

He can't see it since it's at the back of his head but if he runs his fingers through his scalp carefully enough, he can still find the scar that still feels faint and stiff like an old rubber band. Nobody would be able to see it now unless they were looking for it since his hair runs past the scar tissue - never regrowing over it. He doesn't consciously look for it but when he shampoos his hair at times, he would pause in the shower just gently running her fingers over the old scar which reminded him of how painful it was to get stitches on the head.

He was seven but he doesn't remember much of that day, only the gasp that left his throat when his head made contact with the table, the throbbing pain, as well as Giolla's snide comments of him being careless and getting himself into trouble again when he woke up from her concussion - these, were the days where Giolla hadn't warmed up to him yet and treated him like a parasite. Everything was much of a blur but he did remember her being very disappointed - not because of the hassle of taking him to the emergency room for treatment nor the stained wooden table from his blood - "He could have saved us the trouble by not waking up from it." Her raspy voice vibrating through his ears as she complained to Trebol.

This was under Doflamingo's 'charity organisation' for children. He had set up an orphanage for children with nowhere to go - a promise to provide for their food, shelter and drink in exchange for a lifetime of loyalty. It was a pledge to drug traffic for Doflamingo for the rest of one's life. Typically, those who entered the organisation never ever got out and more often than not, the children trafficking the drugs would end up consuming them as well. The children were put through school as Doflamingo thought an education was important to every child - though the truth was that he couldn't stand having stupid underlings; furthermore, being in school meant that the children had a wider outreach of potential drug users so there was no loss on his part in providing an education.

Inevitably, Law became one of the ones who abused those substances.

Doflamingo wasn't stupid, he would let the children grow up happily from ages 0 to 15. Naively. The moment one entered high school, they would be sat down with the man himself, asking the now full-fledged teenager where their loyalties laid. If they were even a smidge grateful for whatever he had done for them, they would help to trade the substances he produced. If not, then they would be out of the family (a family they were pushed into by fate) after high school. He says, but there was never really a choice.

It was all a psychological game, really. The way Doffy raised his 'children', how could they not be grateful to him? In a life where everything had fallen apart when they were barely a decade old, Doflamingo had given them some sort of normalcy. And if that wasn't enough for them to say yes as they turned into young adults, then the fear of starting out on your own without any support from him while he ruled a fair bit of the underworld was daunting enough. You would say yes anyway.

Law finds the lump of scar easily this time, without even feeling around his head for long and the memories of that moment come back to him acutely. He rubs his thumb over the scar and within moments, he comes out of the shower and into the dormitory room that he shared with Bepo.

The moment between the tip and the impact, though, that heady, breathless in-between that straddled the anatomical dead space where he knew there was no other way this could possibly end - it's the only part he remembers with punishing clarity. That moment only lasted for a split second, perhaps even a little less but that moment stands out like a neon sign in the darkness of that night.

Law doesn't know how he got to his shared bathroom again. He knows but at the same time he does not. After his shower, the day had gone by with him pouring over his notes from the Cardio-Thoracic lectures. Same old, same old. Even when he was going through his notes, where his mind should have been buzzing to connect all the information, it was empty and had felt like a big black hole. If he touched his scalp again like he did earlier with the scar, he was afraid his hand would fall through - just a pit of nothingness.

That's the problem isn't it? Law feels nothing. He doesn't feel anything and that emptiness should scare him. His empty mind knows that he should be sacred; he wants to be, but he is not. Fear itself is never scary; he learned that in his first year of medical school that it was just a response. Fear means that your body wants you to be alive. So, what happens when you have an absence of terror?

That's what they get mistaken about all the time: all the advertisements, the little cards left over all the dining halls at University about a hotline to call when something in your life goes wrong. They were always purple in colour for some sort of reason with the large white font "Talk to someone if you are feeling down." Sometimes they would be orange, basically anything bright to get your attention so you would read it. Good publicity but their content? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Law has never thought about it in a way where he plans his lectures and hospital placements for University, he doesn't leave out a gap in his timetable thinking - maybe I'll die today. He's never been to any of those counselling rooms with their bright and cheery walls, a cheery personnel ready to listen to you with coasters neatly placed over the coffee table, inviting you to chill and chat as seen on television. But he has rung the hotline once from the little business cards from the dining hall, just to hear what it's all about. Someone was already on the line so he was on hold, a soft happy music playing in the background and not long after, a recorded voice that said "Speak up if you feel down. Did you know? After drug abuse and car accidents, the leading cause of death in males aged 18 and to 30 is-" He hung up.

Nobody sits down in their chair and tips out of it because they want to. Rocking back and forth? Maybe. But never with the full intention of falling out of the chair and hitting your head. Once it does, you can't stop. Your head will hit the table, and it will bleed. If you are lucky, someone will hear you and they will find you. But there's the difference - it's not that Law wants to die. He just doesn't want to live.

He hears the wardrobe shut outside the bathroom. "Law, I'm going to go for my pediatric tutorial meet-up now," says Bepo. They are both in the same year of medical school but currently doing their respective specialisations. Bepo's tutorial group was made up of kindhearted and like-minded medical students who all got along well. Being a pediatrician was hardcore but the people who were tended to be some of the most wonderful beings. They would meet every Thursday night to go through all the lectures together. "Yeah." Law replied as he stares in the medicine cupboard of the bathroom. Melatonin would suffice in knocking him out.

Cora-san
Hey Law! I invited Luffy over for dinner Sunday night. Should I cook or shall we get some takeout? Also! Look at this flower, it sprouted that day! *picture*

Oh, Law wouldn't trust Cora-san to cook a steady dinner.

Law
Takeout sounds spend so much effort on our plants, of course they're blooming.

Cora-san
You could sound more excited! It's food, Law! *sticker*
What are you doing -

Law shut his phone. There was no way he could text his dad while carrying out what he was about to do. Luffy was currently at soccer practice so he wouldn't be looking for Law at this time of the day as well. Now was right.

The melatonin he had been prescribed for his sleeping problems didn't need to be taken with water. They would just dissolve on his tongue - like a mint or candy - and the effects would kick in within ten minutes. He poured out a whole month's worth of supply - 30 pills to be exact - and piled it all in his mouth. Just to be safe, he grabbed a cup of vodka that Shachi had snuck to his room so that whenever he came over he could have a drink. Bepo didn't enjoy vodka that much and neither did Law so the bottle had remained fairly untouched except for when Shachi came over. He looked at the drink with distaste but took a gulp of it, recoiling from the burning sensation in his throat and then going all the way after.

His face was getting hot from the alcohol and Law decided that if he was going to die, he wouldn't want to die from being too hot. So he sits in the shower cubicle and turns on the shower head, letting the water run down his face, cooling him off. He decides he's going to let the water run - at least if the pills didn't finish him off, he could just drown in the water that would run through his nostrils once he was knocked out completely.

He starts feeling a little drowsy but nothing is happening yet. He pours another cup of Shachi's vodka, burning his throat in the process once again. The alcohol buzzes against his belly and he feels the burn travel down all the way to his gut. Law isn't sure if it's because he was feeling hot before but now he's starting to shiver. He turns the water off and leans against the cubical wall. He grabs a towel and wraps it around himself. How lame, that he would want to die warm, surely whoever that was going to clean this mess up would have to wash the towel he was using.

Even in death, he was such a pain to other people.

His eyes start to get heavy and he can feel the deep slumber coming. There was no panic and there are no regrets. He wonders how tomorrow is going to be like. He's only been alive 24 years but he already knows that this is how it works: life moves on, with or without you. Even if he died here tonight, all he would be is a major inconvenience. His eyes are closing and his heartbeat is racing, beating erratically against his now heavy chest. "Life is precious because one day it ends. So we put in every ounce of effort we have to save the lives in front of us." All the procedures Law thought he would carry out if someone was coding in front of him starting going through his head.

This was his end.

It was dark when Shachi opened the door to Bepo and Law's dormitory room. He had gotten the key from Bepo when he ran into them studying in the hallway. Penguin wanted to study late that night and the only thing that could keep Shachi going was alcohol which he had run out. Now, it was too late to run out to buy some more and he remembered he had some stocked in Law and Bepo's room because they went over to study so much. Seriously it felt like this degree was ending his life more than him saving other people's life.

Their room was bigger than his and Penguin's. It was too dark to see anything and too early for Law to be asleep so he flicked on the switch where he remembers it to be. Neat and tidy, unlike his dorm which was constantly a mess. He wondered where Law went - Luffy was with Penguin at soccer practice tonight, perhaps he went back to see Cora-san?

He had looked in the original spot but he couldn't find his alcohol. What was unusual about the room other than the darkness that looked over it when he first entered was the trail of water that led to their bathroom. "If you spill something, wipe it off. What? Are you going to expect someone to clean up after your life as well?" Law would always chide them. So in a place that would always be kempt and steady, Shachi reached out and wiped the floor gently with a cloth he had found.

Shachi
Your room is a mess.
What, someone's going to clean up after your life?
Also, where's my alcohol!

Bepo
Law, didn't you clean the room the other day?
You're just being whiny because Law nagged you and Penguin last week about your rooms.
The alcohol's in the usual.
Unless you mean those for first aid. Then it's in the bathroom.

Drip, drip, drip.

Annoyed once again that something was out of place in this seemingly sterile room, Shachi headed to the bathroom, with plans to switch the tap off. He was already bothered that he couldn't find his alcohol. He didn't want to spend tonight cleaning this holy ground. Where on earth was -

Shachi and Penguin loved watching horror and gore movies. The kind which would make the kindest of people squeal in disgust. They thought it would be a good idea to build up their tolerance so that when they started their surgical rotations they wouldn't be weak in their stomachs. And true enough, while a handful of people puked their guts from things seen from their general surgery rotation, the duo was not one of those people.

But no moment of his life could have prepared him for this.

"Law!" His voice escaped his lips first and after registering the shock of the scene, Shachi moved. His degree in medical science might have been finishing his life but it was not going to prevent him from saving one of his best friends. Shachi checked for his pulse, just as they were taught to do on cadavers. It was really slow and unsteady but it was definitely there. "If there is a pulse, roll them on to the side." Damn it! The space in the bathroom was so cramped. He carefully moved Law towards the wall and rolled him so the body was resting against the wall. Fuck, what did you take Law? Shachi steadied his own breathing and rang Sabaody Unviersity Hospital. He knew a lot about medical science but he didn't know enough to handle Law on his own. He didn't even have the equipment needed. Come on, pick up, pick up! He scanned the bathroom, unable to find an opened bottle or any sign of what Law could have taken.

The smell of bile and vomit starts to hit him and Shachi knows he has to stay calm but he cannot. Shachi thinks he's screaming but he does not know, all he can hear is the ringing in his ear from the mobile phone attached to him and the internal ringing that has been present since he entered the bathroom. This is probably why they were always taught that they could not treat someone they had personal relations with because their feelings will cloud their judgments. They forgot to say that their feelings would wreck their nerves, rendering you unmovable during the crisis itself.

Tell me what to do, Law. He was always the responsible one. Law always knew what to do. When he and Penguin were struggling to decide what they wanted to specialise in, Law just told them what he thought their strengths were and suddenly they knew that General Surgery was for him and Obstetrics was for Penguin. Law was the anchor of the group, he kept them steady on their feet, making sure they weren't doing anything they would regret.

What was hurting you so much that there was no other way but to die?

"Hello, Sabaody Hospital. What is your emergency?" He recognised the voice of the nurse on the phone. She was the nice one who would greet all the housemen and not treat them like babies in the field of medicine.

Shachi wants Law to be by his side telling him what to do in this situation. He would be so calm, he wouldn't be shaking and he would be kno what to do. Penguin would just be yelling out profanities as he would be. Bepo would be in shock but he would still know what to do in a crisis. Help.

"Help me! I think my best friend just overdosed."

They had answered the phone on the end but the ringing just wouldn't stop in his ears.

Bepo ran through the hallways and toward the hospital. Shachi had called him shortly after the ambulance had arrived to take Law. His voice was shaky, filled with uncertainty like it usually goes when he's taking an exam. Shachi was the most explosive in feelings out of the four of them and he would get anxious and chills right before the paper – unsure if he would make it out of the exam alive.

"I'm not sure if he will make it. His pulse was really weak when the guys came to get him."

Medically speaking, if he's got a pulse then Law wasn't dead. If they had been the ones delivering the news to their patients who've come out of surgery, they would have said that the patient was alive. So, why did the fact that Law having a pulse bring no joy whatsoever to him?

He zoomed past the front desk of the hospital, knowing the layout all too well. They probably weren't going to be allowed in the operating room and definitely not in the observation room either. Shachi was sat on the chair, his hands clutching the sides of his head – processing everything that had gone on that evening. Bepo couldn't imagine how it must have been like to have found Law's body in their dormitory, if he had been the one to discover the body, he would never be the same.

If Law survived this, he would never be the same as well.

"I went to get the alcohol. Law was in the bathroom. His melatonin bottle was next to him, along with the vodka I was looking for."

Shachi's voice was filled with so much terror, this was the most scared Bepo thought he's been and they've known each other for years. They were all medical students and yet the words "he killed himself" were too difficult to say to one another. Even saying that Law had OD-ed over melatonin would be too ugly because then the following question of ''did he succeed?'' would be too agonising to think about.

Bepo sat himself down next to Shachi, his arm on his friend's shoulder – Shachi was still shaking from it all. Bepo didn't say anything. There was nothing to be said. There was just shame and guilt that were rapidly building up in his chest. What useless friends they were, no even knowing that one of their favourite people was in such great pain, he needed to end his life.

The phone vibrates again, he had ignored it as he made his way down to the Hospital.

Penguin
Have you got the alcohol or have you finished it without me? *laughing emoji*
I'll be back from practice in an hour, we're just cooling off now.

What were they going to tell Penguin? And more importantly, how were they going to break this to Luffy?

Luffy. He was the ray of sunshine that everyone didn't know they needed. Bepo remembered Law hating Luffy to start of with – they were completely different people – but they were similar in their suffering or understanding of what suffering was at the very least. Luffy truly adored Law for his calmness and though Law struggled to keep up with Luffy's eccentric antics, he would look on at Luffy with fondness. Law started living his life with more vigor ever since Luffy came into his and made a mess of it.

And yet-

"I rang Cora-san after I spoke to you. He was crying on the phone but he said he needed to do something at your place first before coming over and that we should keep him posted if there are any updates." Shachi finally spoke up.

If Law survives. Or, if he didn't make it.

''We need to reply Penguin.''

A silence loomed over the two, both unwilling to offer to make the call or send the text. Whoever had to tell Penguin inevitably would have to speak to Luffy as well and while all of them got on with Luffy, neither was pleased with the idea of telling him that his boyfriend was now in hospital. That he could be dying.

''Who's treating Law?'' Bepo aksed. Not that it mattered. If Law tried to kill himself and didn't succeed, would he be happy or sad? Was there ever a right or wrong in trying to interfere with something like that? "Marco." Shachi replied, still shaking from before. The chills wouldn't stop for a long time.

Bepo takes out his phone and unlocks it. Shachi had to ring Cora-san and that must have been a difficult conversation to have. He definitely wouldn't have wanted to be the one to inform Cora-san that his precious son just committed suicide. The screen whooshes into his home page and he sees the wallpaper – a picture of the four of them on the day of their White Coat Ceremony. Law was not someone who smiled a lot but on that day he had a wide grin – so did Cora-san but Cora-san was always grinning – Bepo thought he had to put it as his wallpaper. It was a reminder of what they have achieved so far and would be achieving. They were going to have a bright future. Or maybe had.

Bepo
Penguin, are you done with soccer practice?

Penguin
Yeah, just heading back now.

Bepo
Are you with Luffy?

Penguin
Shachi's not replying, he must be drunk AF huh! *laughing emoji*
Luffy's just done showering, we were thinking of getting some food on the way back.
Do you guys want-

The phone rings and Penguin is surprised. Bepo usually never rings first. He hated answering phone calls and would get one of them to ring others if he had a problem. A lump forms in his throat, he's not sure he wants to take this call. If something had happened to Shachi he would regret saying that in the group chat. Oh god.

"Hello? You guys okay?" He manages.

Bepo doesn't respond and Penguin's heart beat starts to rise. He is panicking because he can hear the background noise of the A&E – he recognises it because they just had a shift there yesterday. "Bepo? Are you there? I was just going to call and ask if you wanted some food." He can hear Bepo swallowing his own lump in his throat and Penguin's panic starts to rise even further. "What are you doing in A&E?"

"Penguin, it's Law."

Luffy steps out of the shower cubicle, his towel draping over his head and he nods towards Penguin, signaling that he would be ready in a bit to go get supper.

Penguin almost drops his phone. Hknows what's coming next and he isn't sure he wants to have this conversation with Bepo anymore. "What's happened?" He answers, even though he really doesn't want to. Luffy shoots him a curious look, pointing to his phone and asking who was on the line.

"He finished a month's supply of melatonin and probably a quarter of the vodka we had in the room."

"Hey, is that Torao? He hasn't replied my text since before practice!" Luffy hops over-enthusiastically, still half-dressed and barefoot from the shower. Before Penguin can stop him, Luffy grabs the phone away and happily greets Bepo – thinking it was Law on the other line. "Torao! We've just finished soccer practice. You didn't answer my texts, I was worried! Do you want-"

Bepo cut him off this time, just like how he did when Penguin was texting them about the food. Penguin held his breath, still registering Bepo's words. He didn't know if Bepo had planned to speak to Luffy on the line but he secretly felt relieved that he didn't have to be the one to break it to Luffy.

"Oh, it's Bepo? Sorry, I thought you were Torao! I'll hand you back to Penguin now."

"Luffy, wait."

"Hmm? What's wrong? You guys want something to eat too? I just need to put on a shirt and my shoes and we're going."

Penguin packs his things, preempting that they would need to leave quickly once Bepo told Luffy what was going on. How ironic that they were in the shower room as they were being told the news – the same kind of room Law was in when he tried to take his life. The shower room they were in was suffocating because a ton of the soccer members just took a shower and it was wafting in hot mist, making it difficult to breathe. Did Law feel suffocated as well when he attempted-

Luffy drops Penguin's phone and Penguin does not blame him. He had the exact same reaction and both of them are still in disbelief. Penguin is not the calmest person on the planet but he knows how to keep going in a crisis – Law was the one who told him that – which led him to believe that being an obstetrician would be the right thing because there was always a crisis. So he tosses Luffy the clean shirt from his bag and slippers which he did not pack in Luffy's duffel bag.

If Luffy had to describe himself, he would say that he was an athlete and he never struggled with anything sport-related ever. He aced all his fitness tests and would constantly be picked first for teams in every class he was in. He was the golden boy for any athletic festival or competition. Despite his grandfather's protests, he had joined both the soccer club and the baseball club while doing a degree in Sociology & Sports Science; Luffy had reasoned that the club activities would be able to keep him busy all week and since he was nocturnal anyway, he would have time to do all his things like coursework after club. Sabo and Ace had warned him that University was not going to be a breeze like high school – having both done Sociology as well for their bachelors but Luffy didn't care. So far, University had been a ton of fun – he met a bunch of friends right of the bat and they fit well into his little group that went to the same high school as he did. He wasn't breezing through his course but he was definitely enjoying soccer and baseball day in and out. The soccer club adored him because he was one of the fastest and flexible players they've seen.

And yet now when it mattered, his limbs couldn't find the strength for each stride. He felt like everything was happening in slow motion as Penguin dragged him to Sabaody Hospital. He recognised faces on the way to the hospital, some even said hello to him but Luffy couldn't register anything else other than the fact that Trafalgar D. Water Law had attempted suicide. It was a good thing that Penguin was there to drag him on because if it was just him and the news alone, Luffy didn't think he would be able to make it to the hospital without smashing a few things on the way. Even though Penguin was quite just as hot-headed as he could be, Penguin looked really calm, as though the news had little effect on him. But inside, Luffy knew that couldn't be true. The calm that Penguin was exhibiting was probably the same sort of calmness all doctors needed to have in face of making medical decisions. Things shouldn't surprise them so much and even if they did, doctors needed to keep the facade running. Law had told him that.

So maybe the past few months Law had been keeping up with that facade.

Luffy tried to shrug off his feelings but before he could decide what emotions to wear on his sleeve, they had arrived at the waiting area where Cora-san was.

Oh god, Cora-san.

"Luffy, how are you?"