Adam stands in front of the door, his face and body still aching from the hits he received.
It's just after eleven pm now, and it's not even close to the latest time he's come home before, but he's not home, he's here, and suddenly the time feels ever so late, suffocatingly late.
Questions, doubts, of whether he should, whether he can, just turn up here plagued his mind the whole journey, and he had hoped that when he gets here, when he stands in front of this door, like is he now, like he did months before, feeling similarly anxious, that when he got here those doubts would be gone, the questions would be answered. That he would know if he should be here, if this is something he should do, or if he should just turn away and go home like everything thinks he would be doing tonight.
Adam looks down at the key in his hand, wondering if he should use it. Kim had given it to him a month or so ago, at the same time he had given her a key to his place. They had decided it was best, considering one of them usually gets off work before the other and it makes it easier to go to the other's place if they have the key.
Since then, Adam has used this key a number of times. Albeit less than she's used his, his apartment being their usual choice to be, and it being a rarity that she gets off work later than he does. Most of the time Adam's used this key in the morning, when he's at her apartment grabbing some clean clothes for her as she wakes up at his, so that she could spend more time calmly waking up instead of having to rush.
But he's never used it like this. He's used it at night before—actually, he thinks he may have used it more at these sort of times than earlier in the evening—but not like this, not unexpected, unplanned. Always when they've agreed to spend the night together, always when she's expecting him.
The case today, what happened, what he had to do, it was a busy day. A busy couple of days. It was one of those cases, and then there was the uncover aspect, something they had to do then, no time to spare. Adam barely had time to tell Kim what was happening—in fact he didn't even tell her himself. Kev did, because Kev can. Kev could ask for a few minutes to get Kim, to fill her in, to ask for her to sort things for Jordan and Vinessa. Adam couldn't, because as far as everyone's concerned him and Kim are just co workers, friends, nothing more. And he doesn't have any dependents that she knows well, no reason to need to have a few minutes with her before walking into the lion's mouth.
These are the times Adam hates the most about needing to keep their relationship secret. It can be a strain having to be around her and not being able to kiss her senseless, to not being able to let everyone know she's his and he's hers, but there's still a thrill in it, an excitement of sneaking kisses, of discreetly giving her hand quick squeezes, of catching her eye and pouring all his affection and lust for her into it while looking unaffected, like he's not looking at the girl he so yearns for every time they're apart.
But there's no thrill about these times. There's no thrill about having to walk into a dangerous situation, knowing that you didn't even get to give your girl a kiss before doing so. Knowing that you hadn't got to look into her wide, beautiful eyes that day, that you hadn't had your heart warmed by the look of care and affection she gives you. That you hadn't kissed her soft lips, hadn't hand her smile at you so beautifully. Knowing that anything could happen, and that he didn't get to see her one more time, see how she looks at him with faith, faith and belief he's never quite had from anyone else before, didn't get to experience the confidence it helps to ignite in him because he knows he can do anything if Kim Burgess believes in him. Knowing that you might die and the last time you kissed her, stroked her face, wrapped your arm around her was more than twenty-four hours before.
Kevin got a three minute long conversation, and probably a quick hug. Adam had to start preparing to leave, preparing to get into an orange jumpsuit and pretend he was a criminal, all while pretending he didn't want to go straight to Kim, that he didn't want her in his arms one more time, no matter how brief, and that he wasn't feeling a weird sort of jealousy that Kevin gets to see her before they leave, and all Adam gets is a quick text from her saying be safe x.
The fact that she texted him straight after Kevin left her warmed his heart, making it twist in a way that up until he met her, Adam had never felt before. She didn't have much time herself as her shift had begun, but she still immediately texted him, still needing to have some sort of communication with him as much as he needed with her.
Adam had only time to fire a quick text back—as if he could ever put into words how he was feeling in a message anyway. It was a confident, normal reply, a simple always am, darling. A message that when Kim reads it she'll picture his smirk, the one that always makes her roll her eyes with the undercurrent of affection, imagining the cockiness, the confidence he sent it with, because doing this stuff, doing this dangerous stuff is just what he does. That's what he wanted her to picture, knowing that if he can't flirt with her he wants her to picture him, knowing she'll read the message, smile and blush a little at it, biting down on her lip as to not look like she just got a text from her secret boyfriend.
He didn't want her to picture him like how he was, full of nerves because this wasn't just walking into gunfire, and because he's not just him, he's hers. Her boyfriend, her man, the one she's chosen for god knows what reason to let into that part of her life. She's someone he needs to think about, that his life isn't just his own, it's hers. This is something that's always on his mind every time he goes into dangerous situations, more and more frequently now—never happened with Wendy, but this is Kim, and Kim isn't Wendy, she's Kim—but this felt more restricting, more present and on his mind than usual. And Adam didn't even have the time to consider all the implications and meanings behind this feeling.
He does now. He's been thinking about everything he's felt today, the need to be with her, the thought that everything will feel okay as soon as he sees her, sees her looking at him, see her smiling at him. Adam thought about it when in prison, he thought about it when he was getting stitched up and treated, he thought about on the whole journey here.
They're barely months into this relationship, yet the way he feels about her, the way she's in his thoughts, the way he can't bare the thought of ever leaving her without him, because he's her man and he wants to be her everything one day. The safe arms she runs to when scared, the source of her laughter when she's happy, the first person she sees when she wakes up and the last person she sees when she falls asleep. He wants to be it all, and he wants her to be his everything. She is his everything, and it's been such a short time, but she is and he knows it.
And it scares Adam, the thought that it's still such an early relationship, still in it's infancy, that normally at this stage he doesn't miss his girl like this, doesn't feel this deep with her and yet with Kim, with Kim he does. That Adam realised because of all this that she's the girl he could fall deep in love with and never be able to fall out from, and that he doesn't want to. He wants to fall head over heels for her, he wants to fall for no other woman, that he wants to keep going down this path, no matter how fast it all feels, no matter how much that scares him.
That knowledge doesn't help him now, in fact instead of chasing away his fear, the knowledge that he wants to feel all this returns it tenfold to him. Adam stands here, in front of her apartment door, holding the key she gave him in his hand, a bundle of nerves and questions going around and round in his head.
They've never discussed if they're allowed to just turn up, not this late, not just letting themselves in. They've always had plans, they've always texted and arranged before, and if they ever just turn it it's been the evening at the latest, and they've announced their presence with a knock.
Adam considers knocking now, but it's eleven at night, getting closer and closer to midnight the longer he stands here debating what to do. Kim's had a long shift, and he knows that the likelihood of her being awake, especially awake and not in bed, is slim and the thought of waking her up hurts his heart to even take the option seriously.
To use the key, to enter her home, or not to use the key, to not enter her home. That is the question, going over and over in Adam's mind, all the answers feeling wrong and none feeling right.
It feels wrong to be here, to be so obvious in his neediness, in his need for her, to be with her. It feels wrong, because of his uncertainty of undisclosed rules, of if he's allowed to use her house key like this. Every day at work they face people who's had home invasions, he knows just how precious home safety can feel. And just because she gave him this key, just because she's given him permission to use it, they've never clarified like this. Turning up at night, out the blue, with no call ahead. There's a part of his mind that is telling him Kim won't mind, that he's her man, he had implicit permission. But Adam respects her so, so much, that the murkiness of boundaries undiscussed hurts his brain. The thought of him betraying her trust, her safety, her boundaries is a painful one, one that aches his heart and makes him oh so protective of her. Kim, Kim is fast becoming his everything, and Adam doesn't ever want her to hurt, least of all because of him.
And yet, it feels wrong, so wrong, too wrong to even think about walking away from this door. From walking away from her, and turning around to go home. The last twenty four hours have been tough, have been stressful, and all he wants is to be in her bed, to have her in his arms, the smell of her shampoo and body wash all around him.
There's no right answers here, yet one thing rings clear, prominent through all his muddled thoughts. And that's he doesn't think he can rest, can relax, can sleep and put the day's events behind him if he doesn't see her, doesn't hear her, doesn't feel her, hug her, kiss her.
With that in his mind, Adam takes a deep breath and unlocks her door. He quietly opens it, and shuts it just as quietly, placing his keys in the bowl by the door. The apartment is dark, quiet, and Adam feels like he doesn't belong. It's quiet, peaceful, delicate. And Adam feels too big, too loud and clumsy, like his mere presence is disturbing everything, that he's an intruder, breaking the tranquillity.
Adam slips off his shoes, Kim's voice echoing in his mind of all the times she's told him to before. There's a thought present in his mind that he's being presumptuous, premature in his actions, that just because he's crossed her threshold doesn't mean she'll let him stay.
It's a stupid thought, he knows, based only in irrationality and insecurity. They're dating, he's her boyfriend, she's not going to turn him away just because he's uninvited. Especially when he's just came here to sleep, not to disturb her night plans or ask her to do something with him. But he feels so vulnerable, because he needs her, and it's scary just how much he does, so his insecurities run wild, ruling his mind, filling it with doubts and what-ifs.
Her bedroom is just there, beyond the curtain divide, and Adam swallows, feeling all nervous and anxious, not unalike a schoolboy going on his first date. He shouldn't feel like this. He's a man, he's been here before, she's his girl, and yet, yet he can't stop feeling nervous, scared. Scared that she'll not understand just how much he needs her and push him aside. Scare that she will understand, will see through him in that expert way she does, and that she won't like what she sees and she'll reject him. For not being strong, for not being a man.
As quietly as possible, Adam walks to her bedroom, pushing aside the curtain as he does so. Kim's lying there, in her bed, her hair spread out across the pillow, cocooned in her sheets. He can barely see her face, or any of her, so shielded by the covers and darkness but Adam's taken back by her. He knows her beauty, he knows how stunningly gorgeous she always looks, how peaceful she looks as she slumbers, but that's not why he's taken back. He's taken back by the sudden ache in his heart at the sight of her, the twist of affection, the softness he feels towards her and how it surges as soon as he lays his eyes on her.
She is his world, that much Adam can no longer deny. He doesn't know yet if he's in love, if what he's feeling is going to evolve into that all-consuming deep love that everyone talks about yet he's never felt, if the way he feels about her is going to last, to just keep getting deeper and stronger as the days go on like he thinks, feels, wants. But he knows that as far as he's concerned, for now, and hopefully forever, his world is lit up by her, is warmed by her, is her.
Adam must've made a sound as he approaches her bed, taking off his coat, as Kim sleepily turns to face him. She blinks a few times as she focuses on him, looking briefly confused as she's pulled out of her sleep.
"Adam?" Her voice is a little rough. She's looking sleepy, but not that sleepy, not like she was in the middle of a deep slumber, and Adam feels gratefulness at that, that he hasn't disturbed her too much, and warmth at how he can so easily tell because he knows her.
"Hey, baby." Adam greets her softly. Kim smiles at him, at his words, at his presence and it makes his heart beat that little bit quicker.
"No, no, don't sit up, darlin'," Adam then quickly says as Kim goes to move, goes to prop herself more up. "I'm coming to join you." He quickly takes off his shirt and trousers, before kneeling on her bed, and slipping under the covers himself.
Her warmth immediately welcomes him, and before he can even make the motion to pulling her into his arms, she's moving towards him, sinking her body into his, nuzzling her head into his chest, into the dip of his neck, breathing him in.
"I missed you," she mumbles against him. Adam wraps his arms around her body, cuddling her into him, stroking her hair softly before kissing the top of her head.
"I missed you, too," he whispers back to her. They stay like that for a few minutes, only the soft, calm sounds of their breathing to be heard in the silence, and Adam thinks that he could stay like this forever.
Kim then pulls back, and Adam immediately misses her, his arms feeling too empty, too cold without her. She goes to say something, but then she looks at him, able to see his face properly now they're closer, and her mouth drops slightly as she takes him in, takes in his bruises. Gently, she rises a hand to his face, to his hurt skin, softly running her fingers against the wounds.
"Adam, baby, what happened?" She asks, her eyes looking down him, her other hand pulling down the covers to take a look at his equally bruised body. Adam gives her a dry smile, trying his hardest to look unaffected.
"Some of that is Kev—we had to stage a fight, and man, he can throw a punch, remind me never to get on the wrong side of him. And some of it is from prison guards." Adam tells her. He knows she doesn't know much about their case, only that he and Kevin had to go undercover in prison, but he wishes she knew it all right now, so they could skip to her comforting him knowing all the facts.
Kim gives him a careful eye, looking him up and down again. "From the fight?" she asks, sitting herself up slightly. Adam half nods, half shrugs his shoulders, yet again trying to look unaffected.
"Because of the fight they had to put me in solitary. Right after I found out Kev had been outed as a cop, I told the guards I needed to speak to Antonio—who was undercover as a guard—to warn Kev, but they didn't listen to me and instead beat the shit out of me," Adam tells her, watching as Kim's expression turns horrified.
"Oh baby," she says, immediately cuddling back in close to him, pulling him into her arms. This, accepting her comfort, being grateful for her care and love, goes against everything his Pops ever taught him about dealing with being a cop, but Adam knows that his dad is wrong, because this feels so right.
"It's Kev. He could've," Adam breaks off, burying his head into Kim instead. She strokes his hair, his neck, his back.
"I know, baby, I know," she says and Adam knows that she does. That Kim instantly got all that he's felt today, all that he's feeling, because she always does, because she's his girl, the one person he can be him, and that she can always see through him.
"I'm sorry for coming here unannounced," he says a little bit later, after he's cuddled into her, and felt the worst of the days tensions melt around him. "I just needed to see you," he tells her.
"Adam." Kim pulls away from him then, and he panics, a fierce, strong panic gripping his heart as he worries that he's said too much, that she's going to push him away. She holds his face softly in her hands.
"You never have to apologise for that. Come here, come to me, whenever you like and need." And just like that, all Adam's anxieties fade away, leaving just the thought that of course she'd respond like that because Kim is amazing, Kim is his world, Kim understands him better than anyone ever has.
"And I was missing you so much. I always do. And if I knew you were hurt, I'd have told you to come straight here because I need to see you whenever you're hurting," She adds on and Adam's heart constricts and he almost blurts out I love you, surprising him. He's never had that urge before knowing, before it's clear exactly how he feels, and it's almost scary how important she is to him already.
Adam bites back the words, not wanting to say them. Not when his feelings still feel so big and scary, not when the relationship is still oh so new. Instead, he settles for giving her a kiss, infusing it with all that he's feeling.
He pulls back and Kim is smiling at him, and it's such a beautiful smile, and Adam doesn't let his mind wonder dangerous paths that much, but the thought that maybe, just maybe, she's feeling exactly the same about him is one that he can't help thinking.
"C'mon, let's get some sleep," Kim says, lying back down, pulling him with her before nestling into his arms.
And with Kim in his arms, his heart as warm as her soft breath against his chest, Adam knows that what he thought earlier, about not being home, was wrong because here, with her, with Kim, he is home, because she is his home, his heart, his world.
And it's still so new, and so, so scary, but he feels so loved, so cared for, so warm and welcome, that he knows he wouldn't have it be any other way.