Hi there. Um, I don't know if anyone really remembers this story, but I stumbled upon it today and I realized that I had a whole chapter sitting there ready for publishing. Which I didn't before, perhaps I was not happy with how it was written but well, this story has already taken years to complete and I'm still working on it, so just bear with it and try to enjoy the next part of this.

I'm not making any promises how soon I will update again but I'm still writing on it.

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Tony was quiet the whole drive towards Gibbs house. It didn't surprise Gibbs but somehow now he was the one that just had to fill the silence.

"So the whole time?" he wanted to confirm once more what Tony already had said before. Mostly because he couldn't believe it.

"Since Afghanistan. But it became worse with time..." Tony answered slowly. Like he was still afraid that something would happen to him when talking about it. It was disturbing.

Gibbs shuddered.

"Cannot believe that you could hide something like that the whole time. Was that why you told me it was about Ziva?"

"I had to find a plausible reason." Tony tried to defend himself, not understanding the reason for the question.

Gibbs reached out and squeezed his neck trying to calm him down.

"Easy, DiNozzo. I get that you couldn't tell me. You did good keeping it from all off us so long. Don't want to think about what would've happened if you didn't."

Great, now he did think about it. His years in law enforcement and especially with NCIS left little to his imagination as he thought about Tony getting killed with multiple shocks that eventually stopped his heart. He got angry again thinking about it.

"They could've killed you." He roared, making Tony flinch.

"Maybe that was the reason behind it..."

Gibbs stepped on the brakes way too sudden for Tonys liking.

"Do not believe you are expandable, DiNozzo."

Tony sighed.

"I know I am a good agent boss, but all of it just screams personal, even though it's supposedly not. That doesn't really help me though. What they did..." he stopped, couldn't take it anymore.

Gibbs squeezed his neck once again and resumed driving towards his home. He expected to be joined soon with the rest of the team, but at least Abby and McGee. They were so worried about Tony. Abby will try to cheer Tony up but he guessed that this time a little party will not cut it.

This went deeper than any suspect apprehending gone wrong, even deeper than the awful undercover missions DiNozzo survived in the past. This was plague-level wrong.

Tony didn't say anything more, just lost in his thoughts sat next to Gibbs until they arrived in front of the nondescript two-story house.

At home, Gibbs gestured to Tony that he should sit in his couch and moved towards the kitchen, making coffee.

He sat down, having nothing else to do and tried to stop his hands from shaking. His phone vibrated and it took everything in him to not jump. It was ridiculous.

"Get a grip DiNozzo" he scolded himself.

"You are a seasoned special Agent and this is just your phone, someone sending you a message. No big deal."

Gibbs came back into the living room with two cups of coffee while Tony convinced himself to check his phone.

When Tony didn't react to the cup standing in front of him and Gibbs looking at him intently, he was worried. Then the phone fell from DiNozzos hand.

"I bet you jumped right now. Don't forget us." The device taunted.

"It's not over. I knew it wouldn't ever be..." Tony mumbled with wide eyes. He wasn't seeing anything right now, just sitting there awaiting another shock.

"These bastards!" Gibbs roared and crushed the offending phone under his boots. He would buy DiNozzo a new one later. Right now, he hoped to minimize the damage already done.

Tony flinched. He couldn't stay here. He needed to go. He tried to stand up but Gibbs held him down at his shoulders.

"You will not run Tony. They try to mess with you. Do not give in to them." Gibbs chose short and to the point sentences to get through to Tonys shock right now.

Tony hiccuped. He couldn't calm down but crying in front of his boss, mentor and sometimes even father-figure was so humilitating. The whole thing was. He was a special agent and shouldn't loose it just because somebody sent him mean texts.

"Hey, it's okay... should I call Ducky, he can give you something to calm down..." Gibbs was at a loss. Never had he seen Tony so deranged, so desolated. Well, not never but not very often. He had one or two very emotional moments in front of him before but he was never so scared. Not even when they all thought he was dying from the plague. Then he tried to conceal it with jokes. Even while hanging from a high level in a parking garage very close to plummeting into his death had McGee not rescued him he was still trying to lighten the mood. Not this time however. In fact, every trace of Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo was absent. Sitting in front of him was just a man in his forties that was deeply traumatized. A victim. So he thought it would be best if they could help him, even with meds. Normally not an option for DiNozzo, he reacted quite strongly to even harmless meds and giving him some good stuff would have him even more off kilter but it seemed to be the better way right now.

"No offense boss, but I rather keep my wits with me right now. Not much left anyway, but..." he trailed off, it hurt to even think about his situation.

"Why me boss?"

Gibbs sighed, he had no answer for that either.

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"My Jethro, you could've warned me that you would pick today to lock your damn door." Ducky said an hour later when he smacked himself right into the sturdy wooden door that wouldn't open like it always had before.

"Sorry Duck." Gibbs apologized, not feeling very sorry.

"Thought it would calm him down." He explained while pointing towards the couch with his head.

Tony was still sitting there, just staring into space. When the conversation with his boos earlier did nothing to feel any better and even getting a clue why it was always him when something went wrong he resumed to just look at nothing in particular and lost himself in his thoughts. With his insecurities stemming from his youth this was no safe place either but he wasn't surprised that they would rear their ugly head right now. Deemed expandable and just a pawn in a bigger game of your own government didn't help any to believe one was worth something.

At least the team, Gibbs and even Vance didn't know. At least he hoped so. He didn't trust Vance but his reaction before seemed genuine. But he couldn't be sure.

"Anthony, my dear boy, how are you feeling?" Ducky inquired softly, while Gibbs went into the kitchen again, this time under the guise of fixing Ducky some tea.

Tony looked up and tried to gauge if Ducky could have known about this, maybe even condoned it. After a while he seemed satisfied that he was innocent.

"I feel like crap. My arm feels like it's on fire, I think I pulled some muscle and the shoulder is throbbing. Otherwise I'm good. As long as there's no phone getting a message."

Ducky gulped, he heard the depreciating tone in Tonys voice.

He was surprised that the younger agent didn't even try to deny the pain he felt even though he tried to hide it behind some snark.

"You must not believe that this is in any way your fault, Anthony." He began. "This was a horrible ordeal that you were put through. If you want to talk about it..." at this Tony stopped him.

"Talk about what? That somebody used me as a pawn? Again? That somebody found it funny, finds it still funny to play me by searcing for a none-existing bomb, by forcing me to interact with Gibbs, him nearly finding everything out and me lying for my life because hey, no biggie, just shock me to death? Well, I suppose talking helps. Tell me Ducky, how does talk help me while being unemployed?" Now he was nearly screaming and Gibbs heard every word. He came back and was tempted to slap DiNozzo silly.

"You gonna quit?" he attacked him instead. He wouldn't let him if that were the case, he didn't do anything wrong but Tony often believed to be at fault when something he couldn't possibly control happened.

Tony looked towards Gibbs.

"No, but there's no way I'm gonna pass the requirements."

Ducky tried to sooth him.

"Your shoulder will cause you problems but I'm sure with time it..." but Tony stopped him.

"Don't you get it? I'm not talking about the shoulder, I'm..." he stopped, looking towards the floor. He was crying again. This just proved his case, dammit.

"Tony, you can get through this. You didn't give up after the damn plague and the docs all said that you won't pass the physical for field status. You also didn't quit after I took back the team and demoted you without any explanation and you didn't when Vance made you agent afloat, a position you have positively hated. You always pulled through and came back, even after Jeanne and the port-to-port-killer. You could've resigned when Parsons used you all as a scapegoat but you didn't.

"Maybe it would have been better as it seems that my employer just sees me as a tool, ready to be used and thrown away when it's no longer useful."

Tony retorted, having enough.

"Gibbs, it's not like I don't want to continue work... but I can't." It was uncharacteristic for him to be so open about everything but it seemed that being underestimated for so long wasn't the smartest course of action he could have taken. Part of him wanted to show whoever thought up this fucked up operation with him in the starring role what he was made of, that he was sought after by the whole alphabet soup and he could have a new job tomorrow if NCIS decided that it didn't want him any more.

"Secnav could have asked me to resign..." he replied bitterly.

Gibbs and Ducky didn't know what to say after that. They let him be and resumed their talk in the kitchen. Gibbs contemplated if he should call Abby and tell her off for now.

Ducky seemed to sense his line of thought.

"Maybe Abygail and Timothy are right now what he needs."

Gibbs grunted.

"Was if he's right? I still cannot believe that something like that's condoned by our government. That is torture and nothing less." That he contributed to it actively by pressing Tony to write that goddamn note that day he couldn't forget. Also the visits to his basement after work where Tony didn't really want to talk about anything but still showed made more sense. It seemed that the messages also directed him to do certain things that appeared normal. As he reached that conclusion he wanted to throw up.

"Duck... they used him. He let slip once that he had no choice to come here after hours and I just gave him grief about not talking. What else was staged all these weeks? And how did he manage to still do his job?"

Gibbs was puzzled, amazed and deeply disturbed. He knew that his second was very good at undercover gigs but that he fooled them for six weeks while basically being controlled and monitored each second of the day. He thought back to every little incident where Tony behaved weird the past weeks. He realized that every little slump he showed in front of him, every small excuse he made and every awkward comment that sometimes earned him a headslap was just covering up being shocked for saying something incriminating or maybe not even that. He had to task McGee and Abby with finding out how that was possible even without having the chip.

Ducky didn't say anything while Gibbs had his inner monologue but now he spoke up having realized something himself.

"How did he alert Trent Kort of all people to this? It's not like they're friends or even aqqainted"

Gibbs smiled slightly besides the situation nothing to smile off.

"But Kort is also another operative with knowlegde of most grayish operations happening here. Also, he is nobody that Tony would try to protect. Not like the team."

He realized that Tony didn't tell them only for his sake but that he was afraid that there would be repercussions for them too. McGee did mention once that Tony would rescue everyone in the world but if it's just him being in danger then he would risk everything. After all these years DiNozzo still believed to be worth less than his teammates or even innocent bystanders. After this ordeal this thinking would be more present than ever before Gibbs feared. Being told you were just a guinea pig that wasn't really supposed to survive or reach the goal didn't help.

He wanted to explain to Ducky in more detail but some thuds against his door captured his attention.

"Did he lock the door?" Abbys loud voice asked from outside.

"I will let them in" Ducky said. "You return to Anthony. I suppose you should tell him he will have company. It would not do to frighten the lad even further."

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Well, that's it for now. Did you like it? Leave some comment if you did and if you didn't, leave one too.

Night