A/N: I project w characters, Yuri is one of them.

...its probably a one-shot in the same universe of screaming and kicking.

TW: eating disorder and depression

The hummus was too good.

Tantalizing, tangy, goodness.

The creamy dip was feeding his mental state into a bigger frenzy. The hummus signified that he was breaking, bending, and snapping.

"Hmhg-" He licked his lips, shoving more into his mouth.

It hurt; the hummus hurt.

It was just food though. He tries to remind himself that as he shoved the paste again and again into his mouth with chip crumbs spraying everywhere in the frigerated light.

The shadows felt dark, swirling around him. Yuri kept his eyes on the paste that tasted good, gave his hands something to do and his mouth to chew.

The action repeated himself.

Dip, chew, dip, chew, dip-

Chew faster. Faster still he chewed. It felt like he couldn't get it in fast enough. He needed more of the paste but it was hummas. It was hummas. It was just food.

...And huumas was just food.

But it was good!

It was all just food in the end.

But it was so so good!

In the end it was more than that.

Shoving the food into his mouth and at the same time trying to get himself to stop.

Stopping was impossible because he was already a failure.

He already failed for the day.

Yuri slowed eating, a chip stuck in the hummas for a second, then a second longer.

No he couldn't stop. He plopped the chip into his mouth.

He couldn't stop because...he was a failure.

Food was his sin and his biggest failure was not controlling how much food he ate. Even thinking this brought him internal pain from his anxiety. It was the same pain that brought him to the fridge, cupboards, and an extra fast food meal.

Yuri didn't need to eat in excess. He had enough to eat, a roof under his head, and even a lover.

He was not shoving handfuls of it (the fucking food) into his mouth at about four o' clock in the morning.

The reality of his life though was that he was doing exactly that.

And he hated himself for it.

Earlier in the afternoon he was drawn to the fridge, a urge caused by boredom. It was not like he was himself, his body moved to the fridge, hands moved to open the door then his eyes landing on the hummas.

"No." He firmly told himself.

Yuri shook his head hard, like he was trying to get the thought out of his head.

"No." He shut the door.

So he went back to the adjoining living room where Victor was watching a YouTube video on impressive ice skating tricks.

"What were you saying in there?" Viktor asked, head cocking to the side.

"Oh." Yuri's cheeks burned, "It was just me talking to myself, don't mind me."

Viktor laughed lightly.

"Ok, if that's all it was."

He went back to the video.

Yuri stared blank eyed at Viktor for a second too long. Yuri started watching the video with Viktor.

But it wasn't...if only Viktor knew...it wasn't all there was to it.

If he knew.

Fast forward to the nighttime, the solace of darkness concealing Yuri's actions.

It seemed that Yuri could not get enough of it. He just started to shove the dip and chips into his mouth. Flavor exploded on his tongue.

The dip felt like all there was in the world.

But he also had people he cared about too.

And they cared about him.

Earlier in the day, later than when he first saw the hummas, he was reminded of the god damn hummas because of a food commercial.

At the mere thought of it made his mouth water thinking about it.

He needed it now.

No he didn't.

But he got up.

"Be right back." Yuri patted Viktor's leg once and Viktor smiled up at Yuri in turn.

"Ok love." He nodded.

Yuri went to the kitchen slowly, it was only eight pm. So with a firm foot he decided to have a spoonful then back to the couch with Viktor. He did that. The flavor was...

He concentrated on it but he couldn't because of the intense guilt he felt.

'Ok," Yuri thought, "That's all." he snapped the container shut.

But the guilt was still there.

He went back to the couch.

Later in the night he got up to go pee.

He was going to go back to bed.

But he didn't and the bathroom passed the kitchen to the bedroom.

He was supposed to go back to bed.

It was like he blinked and the next moment he was shoving it all in his mouth.

The hummas.

The guilt.

Because it was there; because it made him weak so therefore he was weak.

Yuri kept scooping it into his mouth with the fridge light open, darkness surrounding him, kitchen clock glowing a sinister '4:16'.

This disorder was sad and greedy. It stole the moments that he was supposed to be sleeping with his love or even snuggling closer to him, an arm slung around him as a crack of light came in from the street lights down below.

He wanted to stop, he really did. He could not though. Yuri started to lick the container.

The chips were gone so he needed the stupid hummas to be gone too.

But he was here, holding the empty hummus container that was blurry in his hand since he left his glasses in the bedroom. His hands started pulsing, shaking.

Shameful.

Was all he could think.

This horrible disease made him eat everything if he was hungry or not. If he was bored or even the tiny bit hungry it could all get out of control. It was like another thing was riding in his brain; making him reach for more and more.

This time, even alone he just shoved the container into the bottom of the trash.

He made his journey back to the bedroom in shame.

To face another morning.

Another day.

.

The next morning after running about five miles with Viktor he finally began feeling better. Finally. Now they were both walking back home to their shared apartment.

At first Yuri woke up to feeling full and bloated. So he opted for black coffee for breakfast, something that was becoming more normal since his binge habits were kicking back up again. Just because of the stress of training more. Or was it because he binged at night? He wasn't sure these days. It sucked but somehow he made it work.

Somehow; it all worked in the end.

But the stress was starting to take a toll. Yuri could only eat so many things in under two minutes and skip so many meals. It all balanced out barely with the scale slowly ticking up because he couldn't get it all out in the end. It made him so mad because he couldn't do anything. It was ok. It was fine. He had it (barely) under control.

Deep down inside it really wasn't ok.

But his denial got to choose what he thought so he was fine for it right about now.

He kept up his life like none of his internal struggles caused him physical pain.

Like with the hummus container, Viktor did not say anything. Yuri was too anxious to mention it. It was ok. His significant other did care but he probably didn't say anything for lack of words. Or because Viktor thought that Yuri was a pig...a big pig.

Yuri stole a glance to Viktor now, snapping out of his own thinking.

The older man looked deep in thought.

The silence was weird; it felt more like it was stretching than the usual quaintness that came with the couples' silence.

Yuri could not help but ask, "What are you thinking about?"

"Oh!" Viktor smiled warmly down to Yuri, "Hi. Yes. I am thinking about more off-season things to do. You sure pushed the pace for this old man."

"No no. I felt you going faster, admit it." Yuri smiled and poked Viktor's side.

Viktor laughed in response but did not fess up.

Yuri only shook his head at this and they walked home.

The binges had been making Yuri feel slower with his running. He didn't want to say.

So many things unsaid are the loudest truths.

.

It was the evening of the very same day and they both just had dinner.

Yuri was on his phone reading an e-book and Viktor was taking a shower. Yuri's thoughts kept on drifting to getting the fruit bowl from the fridge and just devouring the entire thing.

He really wanted to, Yuri really wanted to eat more food.

But what did they have?

A lot of food but the fruit bowl and...yeah...packets of ramen from the cabinet were calling for him.

The buzzing deep inside him felt painful.

The buzz was for his body to move and his mind wanting to follow through. The binge urges felt stronger, a buzzing turned to a NEED to move, to get the food. It was like another body fell into his; like it wasn't his own.

When he binge ate a monster took over him, moved his body and made him eat all those calories.

Calories can help and calories can hurt.

With binging, they always hurt because in the amounts he ate, it was just way too much.

He felt like a pig

He wish he could discern why he kept on going back to food.

But it was a mystery for now.

Yuri sighed, getting up to go to the kitchen.

It seemed to always win.

.